Relapse

[chev]

So I wrote a post months ago about wanting to commit suicide. I was doing better for a while (Not that the suicidal thoughts went completely away, but just that I got busier with school and so I almost got too worn out by other stresses to concentrate quite as much on my depression). I had a bad episode of depression about a couple of months ago, which forced me to talk to my parents about my former coping method..cutting myself. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to talk about in my life, but I forced myself to tell them because I was feeling very weak and vulnerable. I had gone a while before then without cutting myself, but when I hit that really low point again, I really just wanted to destroy myself. I battled with myself about telling them, and finally decided I needed to otherwise I would cut myself for sure. Now that I've graduated and I'm about to have to move on from my current job, I feel completely and utterly worthless. Each time I try to create my resume or look for jobs, I begin to hate myself a million times more, realizing that I have no potential and no employer would ever want to hire me. I'm just so extremely dumb, have no social skills, and no talent. These past couple of weeks have been really rough for me again, as my self-confidence has found a way to plummet further, which I did not think was even possible. This relapse has been bringing back the suicidal dreams, the desire to cut myself, and what makes it worse this time is that I have lost the courage to talk about the cutting to my parents now. Now that I had already talked to them once about it, I just don't want to cause them the pain they had to go through when I talked about it before. They thought I was doing better, so now I don't want to let them know I've come extremely close to bringing the knife back to my skin. Since I feel that my depression will never truly go away, I keep thinking, kind of hoping that it will just heighten to the point of my complete exhaustion..that my heart could just no longer handle it and stop beating.

 

[Froggy246]

Sorry that you're having a rough time at the moment Chev, it does usually help to talk things through, no one would want you to feel that you're alone with this so use these forums to offload, and if you can find the courage, I'm pretty sure your parents would rather you talk to them than you suffering by yourself, did it make you feel a bit better when you told them last time?
A lot of things you wrote there proves that you are intelligent and have something to offer, so try not to let the untrue intrusive thoughts fuel the emotions, deal with each aspect apart from one another I mean, just feel the emotions but don't pin them on anything so there's more chance of them dying down eventually, that's what I try and do anyway, but every ones different I guess.
I hope you start feeling better soon

 

[chev]

Sorry that you're having a rough time at the moment Chev, it does usually help to talk things through, no one would want you to feel that you're alone with this so use these forums to offload, and if you can find the courage, I'm pretty sure your parents would rather you talk to them than you suffering by yourself, did it make you feel a bit better when you told them last time?
A lot of things you wrote there proves that you are intelligent and have something to offer, so try not to let the untrue intrusive thoughts fuel the emotions, deal with each aspect apart from one another I mean, just feel the emotions but don't pin them on anything so there's more chance of them dying down eventually, that's what I try and do anyway, but every ones different I guess.
I hope you start feeling better soon

Thanks for your response. I know I probably should talk things through, which is why I brought it up on here.

I felt a small amount of relief but a lot of pain at the same time, when talking to my parents before. That same day, after I had talked to them, I felt guilty for dumping that on them. I'm at my parents' house now..I have just spent the past hour crying/having a panic attack episode, and I just fell weak..I just ended up using my nails to scratch my sides. I know that's bad still, and of course, that wasn't enough to satisfy me. I just hate myself so much and can't deal with the way that I am another minute. During my panic attack just a little bit ago, I was feeling a tight, pinching pain in my heart. I just wanted so badly for it to force my heart to stop. This is just all too much for me to handle anymore.

 

[Froggy246]

Thanks for your response. I know I probably should talk things through, which is why I brought it up on here.

I felt a small amount of relief but a lot of pain at the same time, when talking to my parents before. That same day, after I had talked to them, I felt guilty for dumping that on them. I'm at my parents' house now..I have just spent the past hour crying/having a panic attack episode, and I just fell weak..I just ended up using my nails to scratch my sides. I know that's bad still, and of course, that wasn't enough to satisfy me. I just hate myself so much and can't deal with the way that I am another minute. During my panic attack just a little bit ago, I was feeling a tight, pinching pain in my heart. I just wanted so badly for it to force my heart to stop. This is just all too much for me to handle anymore.

I know this is probably a dumb question, but have you explored meds as a temporary releif, to take the edge off? And then perhaps see if your doctor can refer you for some therapy?

 

[chev]

I know this is probably a dumb question, but have you explored meds as a temporary releif, to take the edge off? And then perhaps see if your doctor can refer you for some therapy?

No, I haven't. But I did end up talking to my mom again about the cutting. I'm trying to take baby steps by talking about it again, but it's really difficult.

 

[mismeek]

You should really think about getting a prescription for something. Meds aren't a cure-all but they are a great stepping stone towards getting better. Therapy is a HUGE help also. it may take a while to find the perfect match in terms of therapists, but being able to have someone to talk and vent/unload on feels really good.

 

[Froggy246]

No, I haven't. But I did end up talking to my mom again about the cutting. I'm trying to take baby steps by talking about it again, but it's really difficult.

It is really hard so well done!

 

[chev]

It is really hard so well done!

Thanks for your support

 

[MikeyC]

How did your parents react when you told them about your self-harming? I would imagine they were shocked, but if they're supportive parents, they would help you through and try to be as supportive as they can. Telling them a second time will reinforce to them that you need extra help and they are the ones that can help you along to that.

Mismeek is right that meds are probably a good idea. They're a Band-Aid cure, especially for a case as extreme as yours, but they might do enough for you to seek help and be more confident in how you approach things like your job hunting.

You did really good once before, so I know you can get back to that again.

 

[jaim38]

I battled with myself about telling them, and finally decided I needed to otherwise I would cut myself for sure. Now that I've graduated and I'm about to have to move on from my current job, I feel completely and utterly worthless. Each time I try to create my resume or look for jobs, I begin to hate myself a million times more, realizing that I have no potential and no employer would ever want to hire me. I'm just so extremely dumb, have no social skills, and no talent.

Labeling people as "smart" or "dumb" implies a black and white view. What we have in our brains is neuroplasticity where the brain changes and adjusts itself constantly to different situations and scenarios. IQ scores don't mean anything. There was a research which suggests that CEOs are actually people with average intelligences but with hig EQs.

You mentioned having no social skills or talent. I suggest volunteering to hone new skills or talents. Volunteering has worked very well for me - I've learned things I never thought I would.

 

[chev]

You should really think about getting a prescription for something. Meds aren't a cure-all but they are a great stepping stone towards getting better. Therapy is a HUGE help also. it may take a while to find the perfect match in terms of therapists, but being able to have someone to talk and vent/unload on feels really good.

I've considered it at different times, but I'm always wary about meds. I'm trying to eat healthier and exercise more to be able to sleep better. It hasn't helped my sleeping a whole lot, but my mood is at least a little better. If things don't get better, I might consider meds as a last resort. I think I'd be too scared to go to a therapist.

 

[chev]

How did your parents react when you told them about your self-harming? I would imagine they were shocked, but if they're supportive parents, they would help you through and try to be as supportive as they can. Telling them a second time will reinforce to them that you need extra help and they are the ones that can help you along to that.

Mismeek is right that meds are probably a good idea. They're a Band-Aid cure, especially for a case as extreme as yours, but they might do enough for you to seek help and be more confident in how you approach things like your job hunting.

You did really good once before, so I know you can get back to that again.

They were shocked, and yes, they are supportive parents. My mom cried and both of them were sad to find out that news, but they did tell me that I should talk to them anytime I felt like that. After the first post I made in this thread, I did talk to my mom about it again. I'm trying to be more open about talking to them about it, as I know it's bad to bottle things up. I've always been open to them about everything else..it's just that issue that I could never bring up to them until this year.

 

[chev]

Labeling people as "smart" or "dumb" implies a black and white view. What we have in our brains is neuroplasticity where the brain changes and adjusts itself constantly to different situations and scenarios. IQ scores don't mean anything. There was a research which suggests that CEOs are actually people with average intelligences but with hig EQs.

You mentioned having no social skills or talent. I suggest volunteering to hone new skills or talents. Volunteering has worked very well for me - I've learned things I never thought I would.

Thanks for your suggestions. I've thought about volunteering, and I'm also going to try to urge myself to do some other activities in my spare time. There are things I used to love doing that I haven't done as much lately..from lack of interest, not as much time, or just the fact that I feel like I'm not good enough at them (which I know, is no reason to stop doing something).