Really deep conversation with my co-worker: Wondering how alone you guys feel...

[Dark angel]

Ok. So those of you who have read my previous post know that I got a job a few months ago( 2 months to be exactly) and it was very hard to adjust at first. Now I feel a little bit more comfortable and I have a very nice relationship with the two girls that work with me. They are kind and funny. At first, I felt so out of place( I still do from time to time) but I feel a bit better now than before. I've noticed in my short time here, that one of them and I have really a lot of things in common. Sometimes we clash a bit because her personality is a lot harder than mine and she usually is quite cold when she is not on the mood of dealing with anyone. But I've notice that she has some traits typical of a person with SA. She doesn't like to eat in crowded places, every time she has to walk through a hall full of people she gets very reserved and quite and two weeks ago (on a Friday actually), we went together to a restaurant to catch a quick bite and we had an embarrassing but funny moment there. The waitress sat us down on a table but we couldn't fit at all on the chairs because the space was so damn small and she got soooo nervous afraid that others were probably looking at us. Her ears got all red and she started giggling uncontrollably...
Either way, today when the other girl went to her lunch break, I don't know why the conversation came up or how we ended up talking about this but I started telling her that a former friend of mine stopped talking to me at all because she got mad and also started complaining through Facebook messages that I never sent her a text or wrote on her wall or call her. I told my co-worker that I apologized to this former friend saying to her that I was real busy with my studies and had literally no time to establish a conversation with anyone, even with my closest friend(whom I've known my entire life) Anyways, she couldn't understand it and days later she erased me entirely from her Facebook. I don't know if she was expecting for me to write her back and kept apologizing for not keeping in contact. The thing is, I never did and I don't know anything about her almost a year now. If I say to you guys that I miss her, I'll be lying, I don't. It may sound harsh, mean, and cold but is the truth. The reason why I can say this is because, well, even when we were good friends and had a few thing in common I never felt her close. We only saw each other on special occasions, my birthdays( she came to all of them which I really appreciated and loved seeing her here) or weddings( I went to hers) or friend gatherings. Aside from that, our friendship was never of calling each other, so I didn't felt the OBLIGATION to do so. Thing is i'm not a person that is used to talk on the phone. I suck at it. Usually my friends do the talking and I do the answering. Generally the answers are yes or no or simply I nod or laugh to everything they say even if is not funny. I am NOT a good conversationalist. Either way, she couldn't understand this and our friendship ended like it never happened. I said this to my co-worker and I made the comment that basically I didn't understand why that former friend of mine erased me from Facebook and that if her intention was for me to write back in order for me to apologize even more well, then it totally back fire because I generally to bend my hands down. I felt like I apologize already for what I supposedly did wrong and moved on from it. I said to my co-worker that my style was not to follow people around.( I only do this with my best friend whom I practically grew up with, and I don't do it often or with my family) And she(my co-worker) apparently felt very identified with myself. She said to me that she sees an exact reflection of herself in me and that she used to be exactly like me when she was my age.( She is 37 years old now) Very patiently she gave me the advice to stop being like this: "Being so distant because eventually one day I was going to wake up, being 30 and with no friends because basically that is her case now and that I didn't want to be reflected in that mirror. She also mention our recent outing to the movies( we went last Saturday) and that she noticed how I left immediately after watching the film but that she wanted to kept on sharing with me. I explained to her that I don't do this on purpose; that usually being around people drains me A LOT. And I prefer being by myself mostly. She said, that she understands but that she felt a little bit bad after I left abruptly( I felt really guilty after she said that)
Then she repeated to me, "look at yourself in the mirror with me because one day you'll wake up feeling that your life went just right by you, you are in your 30's without really having accomplished none of your previous plans and all you've done is being by yourself in your room watching tv with no friends, and on the days you feel like going out, you'll have nobody to go with". Right then and there I went into a very pensive mode, because I've thought about that since I'm 22( Im in my mid 20's now) but it wasn't until today that somebody else understood and saw what I've been thinking about the last couple of years about my future. She basically voiced over, what I'm afraid of the most and I now that at this pace I'm heading towards that same path. I haven't really accomplished all I said once that I wanted. Sure, I got my bachelor's degree but without further studies that won't serve for much and everyday I keep postponing that up. I keep getting away from my friends. Im basically becoming her. I haven't being able to stop thinking about this and I needed to post it here. How do you guys thing, can this behavior be stopped? Is this part of having SA? Or are this typical traits of a person with Avoidant personality? Do you guys share the same experiences and do you feel there's no turning back? Please, share your thoughts on the subject. I want to hear.

 

[daisydaydreamz]

Hi Dark angel.
I have avoidant personality and SA. I am 44 years old and have no friends. I have had maybe a handful of ''true'' friends in my lifetime. I do have a co-worker I get on well with but it is a work-only relationship and we don't have ''deep'' revealing conversations like the one you've described in your post. I think you are fortunate to have made this connection with your co-worker and you should value it and try to maintain it. Honest open two way conversation is the way forward.

As for the other friendship with the one who was critical which ended. I wouldn't worry about it. To me, it didn't sound like a friendship worth trying to salvage.

Although your co-worker is insightful and has given you good advice which has made you think, don't let it worry you in regard to how the rest of your life will pan out. When you make a real friend, BE a real friend and work on the friendship, it will reap rewards for you both. If, however a friendship doesn't feel right and you are getting hurt or criticized it's ok to let them go.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Yes I can relate to this a lot. I never miss people, I never call my friends, I rarely email or text them, and I don't need to see them much. I tell myself that we know we are there for each other so we don't need to be in contact all the time, but I think I'm starting to realize that friendship needs a minimum of maintenance.

As for the other friendship with the one who was critical which ended. I wouldn't worry about it. To me, it didn't sound like a friendship worth trying to salvage.

I disagree... She does sound a bit demanding, but if she shows up at all of your birthdays and complain that you don't call her, it seems that she cares. If I was you I would ask her if she's mad at you or something. No need to apologize, I don't think you did anything wrong either, but maybe you could explain to her that even if you don't text her or call her, it doesn't mean you don't care.

 

[laure15]

I can relate to so much that was being written here.

The reason why I can say this is because, well, even when we were good friends and had a few thing in common I never felt her close. We only saw each other on special occasions, my birthdays( she came to all of them which I really appreciated and loved seeing her here) or weddings( I went to hers) or friend gatherings. Aside from that, our friendship was never of calling each other, so I didn't felt the OBLIGATION to do so

I used to have friends like this. They hung out with me when I asked them to, helped me out when I needed, etc did everything that a friend should do. But, I don't feel close to them for some reason. It's like we weren't able to deepen our friendship. This is probably because I didn't open up to them about my true feelings and thoughts. When friends ask me, "How are you doing?" I reply "I'm doing fine" because I don't want to put them off if I reply honestly. I put up a facade in front of my friends too.

I think the reason why you were able to deeply connect with your coworker is because you opened your heart out to her. You invited her to share your feelings and thoughts. You showed a vulnerable part of yourself. I wasn't able to do this with many of my friends.