One thing I've noticed is that I can talk easier when I am one-on-one with someone but with a group, I tend to just shut my mouth--this can be difficult with a class because everyone just ends up thinking that I'm quiet and boring, form false opinions on me and leave it at that. When I was younger, it was a lot worse...I was researching selective mutism and some people suggested that it could've been that when I was younger? I'm not so sure about that...all I knew was that I always wished I could speak in groups but my body wouldn't allow me to...my body would clamp up and it always felt like my voice was locked up. I was wondering if anyone else has this similar problem with groups? How do you guys cope?
Quiet in Groups?
- Thread starter Curls
- Start date
limetree
Well-known member
I can relate, it does feel like a natural physiological response where my throat locks up and my mind goes blank- not always out of overwhelming anxiety, although shyness is still there.. it's more like a habit energy of inhibition.
I occasionally try to throw in a comment here and there in groups but people look at me as if I shouldn't be speaking, as if I just said "want to see my third ear?" It's probably just paranoia but I really don't like to make a random impression.. I wish I was comfortable in a pattern of belonging where I knew my input was securely valued. We distract ourselves from keeping up with the moment when focusing on hypotheticals of what the person could be judging us for when they're the ones trying to reach out and learn about those around them (often the ones we're interested in but are too shy to approach). This focus sometimes feels as numb as an ingrained "comfort zone." I'm not always thinking about those insecurities, but they've translated into instinctual reactions.
My main fear in this context is opening my mouth and proving that I'm boring rather than remaining mysterious. How's it working for me? Not well. People can't *conclude* that you are dull and boring but they might feel insecure that you aren't talking because you don't like them. Studies show we tend to respond more positively to those who express that they like us.
I cope by standing on the periphery of groups, looking preoccupied to feel less humiliated/rejected, sticking to one on one situations, scanning for smaller groups with people I'm selectively more comfortable with. :S I can't offer any magical cure/insight but you're not alone!
I occasionally try to throw in a comment here and there in groups but people look at me as if I shouldn't be speaking, as if I just said "want to see my third ear?" It's probably just paranoia but I really don't like to make a random impression.. I wish I was comfortable in a pattern of belonging where I knew my input was securely valued. We distract ourselves from keeping up with the moment when focusing on hypotheticals of what the person could be judging us for when they're the ones trying to reach out and learn about those around them (often the ones we're interested in but are too shy to approach). This focus sometimes feels as numb as an ingrained "comfort zone." I'm not always thinking about those insecurities, but they've translated into instinctual reactions.
My main fear in this context is opening my mouth and proving that I'm boring rather than remaining mysterious. How's it working for me? Not well. People can't *conclude* that you are dull and boring but they might feel insecure that you aren't talking because you don't like them. Studies show we tend to respond more positively to those who express that they like us.
I cope by standing on the periphery of groups, looking preoccupied to feel less humiliated/rejected, sticking to one on one situations, scanning for smaller groups with people I'm selectively more comfortable with. :S I can't offer any magical cure/insight but you're not alone!
Perfidion
Well-known member
I can relate. I'm witty and interesting in one-on-one situations, and I can talk the arse off an elephant, but take me to a party and I just die. That part of me that's talkative and funny just shuts down and I end up standing in a corner like Johnny-No-Mates.
Suffice to say, I don't make a habit of going to parties.
Suffice to say, I don't make a habit of going to parties.
Last edited:
lyricalliaisons
Well-known member
I have the problem with anyone, whether in groups or one on one. Though it a little easier one on one.
gsmax5
Well-known member
I was actually going to make a post about this, but you beat me to it.
Group conversations really suck because no one cares about what I have to say, I think it's my voice. I'll start to say something and then some loudmouth jerk will just interrupt me. I'm usually the only one who never "gets" to say anything in group conversations.
antipop621
Well-known member
I can sure relate to this. Make the group bigger than 4 people and I might as well not even be there.
Sloth
Active member
I find it much easier one on one. I find it much easier one on one if there is no one else within earshot as well, so I don't have to worry about others overhearing.
I've often been in group of strangers where everyone has been too scared to initiate a conversation. I find the silence so uncomfortable that I'll be first to pipe up. Once everyone gets going, I'll be too afraid to get a word in.
I've often been in group of strangers where everyone has been too scared to initiate a conversation. I find the silence so uncomfortable that I'll be first to pipe up. Once everyone gets going, I'll be too afraid to get a word in.
Last edited:
SAME!! It's so annoying because if I even get the courage to begin to say something, I would get cut off...it's embarrassing sometimes because I'm not assertive enough...
I can never seem to find a way to jump into group conversations- I keep waiting for a time when I won't be "interrupting" someone else, and the requisite pause never happens, or if it does, what I have to say is no longer relevant to the conversation. I also have trouble in larger groups, because I have a hard time keeping up with a conversation if there is a lot of background noise or more than one person talking at the same time. I can't focus on the person speaking, and then I'm afraid of speaking up because I haven't heard everything that was said, and don't want to say something irrelevant and/or repetitive. Arrrggghhh.
gsmax5
Well-known member
Riptor
1
I've been there exactly. I can be bold for about 2 seconds in those situations, but after that I'm spent. And the longer I wait before speaking again the harder it gets, until I just resign completely. If I force myself back into the conversation past a certain point I feel like an outsider.
I've found that three is my magic number. It can be extremely awkward with one other person, and I'm invisible in a group, but that one extra person keeps it from being too awkward while still giving me room to breathe. I've had friends that I absolutely could not hit it off with with just the two of us, but with a third friend who I was comfortable with present I could talk to them fine.
3's my magic number too. I avoid being alone with one other person but can talk normally with them when it's the 3 of us. I can't really talk in groups because I'm not assertive enough.
skatterkat
Member
I don't speak much in groups, I prefer to listen. I don't like uneven numbers though, I get bored and wander off! 
this_portrait
Well-known member
Of course I'm quiet in groups. Never can figure out what to say.
As for one-on-one, it all depends on who I'm talking to, though I usually do better with it.
As for one-on-one, it all depends on who I'm talking to, though I usually do better with it.
whos_that_girl
Active member
Exact same thing here, i'm actually a very interesting conversationalist when only one on one, but put me in a group and it's like an alien came and kidnapped my voice or something! It was hell in school, and now jobs too. When will I get my voice back?! But my new thing is that I force myself to say something,anything, even if it's just commenting on someone's shirt, cause that's better than nothing, to me anyways. The magic word here is FORCE!
kevinvincent86
Member
All of these comments ring lots of familiar bells.
Sometimes I'll try to jump in, and once in a blue moon they actually stop and give me their attention. I'm so shocked that I forget what I was going to say, and for that moment I wish they'd go back to ignoring me, just to take off the pressure.
I think one problem is that group conversation is fundamentally different from intimate conversation in so many ways. Pack instincts and dynamics are more important than individual personalities, subject matter, etc. Everybody behaves differently. What you say or do in a group setting will be different and interpreted differently than what you say or do with one or two individuals. For a person with social anxiety or awkwardness, it just adds more complexity, confusion, and obstacles when you're already falling behind.
Sometimes I'll try to jump in, and once in a blue moon they actually stop and give me their attention. I'm so shocked that I forget what I was going to say, and for that moment I wish they'd go back to ignoring me, just to take off the pressure.
I think one problem is that group conversation is fundamentally different from intimate conversation in so many ways. Pack instincts and dynamics are more important than individual personalities, subject matter, etc. Everybody behaves differently. What you say or do in a group setting will be different and interpreted differently than what you say or do with one or two individuals. For a person with social anxiety or awkwardness, it just adds more complexity, confusion, and obstacles when you're already falling behind.
Haus
Member
I'm the same way. I went to the beach about a week ago and met up with a bunch of other people that were there. I was aquainted with most of the people, but I couldn't realy keep up with many of the conversations that they were having. I just stood by and listened. It felt like my brain went into lock-down and most of my thoughts just sort of faded, making it much harder to come up with somethin to say. I was a little dissapointed when I seen some other guy my age just jump into the group's conversation out of nowhere like it was nothing.
Later on, I deffinately loosened up as the number of people swarming around died down though.
Later on, I deffinately loosened up as the number of people swarming around died down though.
faithnomore
Banned
Its easy to get ignored in a group. They just seem to carry on talking about what they are up to etc. Its like i'm cast to one side.
I dont need to worry about that until i go outside properly. I stay home all the time.
Avoidance doesn't help, but at least i feel lonely instead of completely ignored.
I dont need to worry about that until i go outside properly. I stay home all the time.
Avoidance doesn't help, but at least i feel lonely instead of completely ignored.
robin_hood
Member
I too have problems in groups. When in a discussion theres always someone who responds quicker to questions or topics discussed.
I feel like I'm stupid and don't know anything about anything because I don't know what to say about the topics talked about...
I feel like I'm stupid and don't know anything about anything because I don't know what to say about the topics talked about...