Pretending to be what I wish I could be

EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
Ok here it goes.

First of all, refer to my signature.

I'm sick of the life I have given myself. I can't live life in this fishbowl anymore. I feel like the life I am currently living is as far as I want my rock bottom to go. So here's what I'm going to do, simply pretend to be the person I so badly wish I could be. I'm just going to live life as if i'm at my optimal everything, even in the small ways, because I have to pretend to love myself i'm going to take care of myself, because that's what I would do if I was 'older Sabrina'. This is going to take a lot of willpower that I'm only going to pretend to have, lol. I've discovered I'm only afraid of my own mind, but it is too easily influenced by others, thus this pretend thing..should mold me into a person I can love if I stick it out long enough.

I'm going to document my days, each day, because putting it out there and having other people expect something of me is the only way I can do something and stick to it. I'll start by documenting a day in the life I live at the moment.... ick. This is for means of CONTRAST! lol.

Wake up around 10, but try and sleep until around 1 in the afternoon even if i'm not tired. I usually go straight to the computer, to this site or just listen to music and skim other boards. Sometimes I play xbox 360 games, but usually I don't like to (I'm not a solo-gaming person, more a mmorpgs type person..anyways). I don't usually even take showers until I feel like it, which is around every 2-3 days. Yum. I pretty much flip from watching TV to using the computer all day, occasionally cleaning the house. I don't have meals, but simply eat whenever i'm bored, sometimes I overeat when i'm lonely. In the evening I play guitar, but I have neglected writing for awhile. During the evening I smoke pot until I fall asleep. I don't go to school, but am brought homework which I have no way of knowing how to do and thus don't do any of it. I consider myself now moderately depressed and constantly cold out of a deep longing for human interaction. This life SUCKS.

We all know now how pathetic my life is... and I for one understand that these types of decisions, such as changing one's life, have to be followed through with IMMEDIATELY or it becomes procrastination... I just took a freezing ass cold shower just to prove to myself that I would do things I really don't want to do. So starting right now i'm starting this experiment. Tomorrow is going to look a lot different.
 
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vj288

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
Good for you! :) You're so right, we bring ourselves down. You say you're going to pretend to be the person you wish you could be, but you can't fake life and will learn you are one in the same.
 
IGotSeoul

IGotSeoul

Well-known member
very unorthodox but interesting concept. so instead of loving (i.e. embracing, accepting) yourself, you're going to project the image (internally and/or externally?) of another host so you can love yourself - thereby having the ability to improve your actual/real self? (assuming self-improvement proceeds the love of oneself)
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
^ Kind of. It doesn't sound very..healthy, to say i'm not accepting myself though. The person I want to be so desperately is very accepting, I've been that person before, I've lived life when it was going well and I was a completely different person with a different perspective. But yes in short
 
IGotSeoul

IGotSeoul

Well-known member
very unique. in actuality, we pretty much instinctively borrow and copy perspective and thoughts from everything and everybody around us (i.e. people of power, books, media, peers), so it's not necessarily a super bad thing to do. it's a subconscious mechanism usually while seeking stability.

you mentioned you play MMOs. there's always that cookie-cutter class/build that top pros will use. other players will copy or borrow these ideas while seeking stability (i.e. consistency, reliability, not incorrect) in their own character.
 
kihira

kihira

1
:) This sounds like a good plan! Success will come with small steps and persistence. Anticipate failures, so keep getting back on the horse until your new ways become habits.
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
^Thanks =] all.

So far, despite it being the evening, I showered, got dressed (which is actually rare of me haha) and I managed to do some homework. I'm not going to go extreme with this, or it'll spark my perfectionism, which is not good either.
I'm going to enroll in the school in my new neighbourhood. It's only 10 minutes away from my old one, but it's a fresh start. I'm scared that i'm going to wake up, look in the mirror, and hide in the house skipping school like last year, but I know alone that I can't graduate because of my procrastination. Scary stuff, highschool is... this one is also more known for fights, expressive people and drugs. Wooooo... Some kid also got beat up for being gay at this new school last year. At least lesbians don't get beaten as often hey?

edit: oh I also signed up for a meetup on meetup.com. Silent spiritual hikes. PERFECT. There's no speaking involved during some of them! Talk about gradual exposure :D
 
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EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
Ok so I guess this is more gradual than I expected. Today I went on a run in the morning, took a shower, got dressed, even put a little bit of makeup on just because I figured it'd be something that would make me feel better about myself. I went to the grocery store, cleaned my messy room and applied for one job, and tomorrow I plan on applying for 2 more. Feeling less depressed, but not wonderful. One day in, I feel like I could have done more today, I still spent a lot of time inside on the computer when I could have done more homework. But this will be more gradual than I expected. Hopefully over time my improvement is noticeable, I am going to update this blog/journal type thing so that I can refer back to it when I see improvements and downfalls.
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
YAY, EA!! :) You can do this!!

I'm so impressed with your progress and decisions and all! Great to apply for jobs too! It can be frightening, no? but also completely exhilerating!

I wish I could motivate and inspire myself to go for a run in the morning too! (I could only do it when other people were involved, or I was living at the Uni dorm..)

I've been too much on the computer too, it's not very eco, is it? Better to use it as reward or time limited.. Do tell how it goes and if you come up with any tricks on how to do this! Maybe after a certain hour or something?
 
EasySkanking

EasySkanking

1
Good for you Escape, and definately keep us posted. This sounds like me when I was 19, when I finally decided to change. As you said, from personal experience, I have gathered that the progress indeed is gradual. Keep up with it though, it's better than "sitting on your ass" :D getting nothing done ;) I was a lot worse than you are (apparently) though, so I'm sure you'll make better progress faster than I did ;)
 
Dronee

Dronee

1
Well, my own experience is that it worked to a good degree for myself. When I was a conscript and in other difficult times, I seemingly copied entire personalities and just pretended to be someone else... But at one point though, after too long of just pretending too much, I'd forgotten who I was...

I doubt it'll happen to you though, since I pretended to be too many people and you seem to just want to be your ideal self... Go for it! :)
 
arsenalwa

arsenalwa

Well-known member
Dronee said:
Well, my own experience is that it worked to a good degree for myself. When I was a conscript and in other difficult times, I seemingly copied entire personalities and just pretended to be someone else... But at one point though, after too long of just pretending too much, I'd forgotten who I was...

I doubt it'll happen to you though, since I pretended to be too many people and you seem to just want to be your ideal self... Go for it! :)
Click to expand...

Same here. Good luck to you EA though. I think this is a fantastic idea cause we really are what we pretend to be. I also think you are pretty brave. Will be interesting to see how far you go.
 
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