PLEASE HELP, should i stay friends with this woman?

[aidan]

Hello members, im in a bit of a dilemma here my head is wrecked and i really don't know what to do!!!

this will be a very long post so im sorry, if you care to read and give me advice, Great. i would really appreciate it as im really heartbroken right now and got nobody to help me or talk to.

OK, i should explain my background a little and you'll know who i am...
im a 27 year old guy, i live in co. Laois, i am living with my parents at home, 1 brother but he is married living up in Dublin. im from the countryside, (near towns tho so im not isolated in anyway.) id consider myself to be fairly good looking or decent anyways. im VERY quiet, very shy. i guess sensitive somewhat. i suffered depression a few times up and down in my life since secondary school. i am currently working full time in a warehouse so at least week days keep my mind occupied somewhat off things. i also suffer from a condition called social anxiety disorder (SAD). basically i don't go out ever, i have no social life whatsoever, no friends to hang out with, nobody to talk to in real life. i have no outlet or way to vent my problems. shyness and social anxiety has wrecked my life.
i have little or no friends, a few on facebook, they live way down in cork tho.

i decided a few months ago (roughly september 2010) to join a dating website and eventually this girl contacted me on it. we became friends. she is from a town near me and the same town i work in, and to make it even better... she works right around the corner from me, her birthday is 3 days before mine were the same age too, its quite ironic. were very alike in ways. but we dont bump into each other at all as our jobs are in an industrial estate not in the middle of a town or street. i have reached out to 2 other girls before and i got burned pretty badly with em both. anyways when we met, i backed off from her... i panicked as i have never had a girlfriend or been on a date.
i told her i wasn't ready to date and meet up with her but we could be friends online and text, i explained my social anxiety and my past never having a actual girlfriend and my shyness and she understood my situation and accepted this., we got to know each other alot more as the weeks passed and almost texted each other everyday. in the mean time i started to open up to her, my confidence was growing and i felt like getting out of the house alot more, i started to exercise a little, i was feeling good because she was making me feel good about myself, i decided i wanted to arrange meeting up with her, i didnt say anything to her but one day she texted me to say her and her ex BF of almost 5 years, were thinking of getting back, that he was really trying to get back, she didnt know what to do. a few weeks passed and nothing happened with them, but we countinued to text and chat alot, the one day again she texted me said her and her ex had a chat for a few hours again and was really trying to get back with her. she still hadn't decided to get back with him or anything. i was starting to have feelings for her for quite a while and they were coming to the forefront at this stage i decided to FINALLY come clean and decided to tell her, that i fancied her a lot and explained the whole story, she said she thought she felt the same way about me but it was all bad timing with her ex and everything. (this is the part i should have not have done, i SHOULD have kept my mouth shut and not said anything about how i felt)
anyways after a week she texted me again saying her and her ex had a fight and she told him where to go and she felt good about it. i decided to ask her if we could meet up in person and hang out over a few drinks and chat. which we did at the following weekend we got on fine and it was great. everything was going good, she told me she really liked me and that if things were to happen that it'd have to be very slow and no long term commitment of anything set in stone, just take things slow and see how they go, i was feeling the same as i never had a relationship or dated. so we were both on the same page with each other. i asked her one night on facebook chat if she'd like to go on a date and she said yes, she really gave me impression she was excited and happy about it, i was too of course, i finally got myself out of my shell and was feeling confident and ready to face my fears and anxiety's and i felt like a juggernaut ready to take on the world, i was feeling high, just so happy, i hadn't felt that happy in years, literally. we were due to meet on a Wednesday last week, but come Sunday night her ex was passing by and dropped into her and they had a chat for a few hours and he really wants to get back with her, the following Monday morning while i was in work, i got a text from her saying basically she thinks she may still love and/or have feelings for her ex and was really sorry didn't know what to do, she told me the whole story and that he was passing her house and decided to drop in and chat etc... i told her the date was canceled due to it not begin fair i couldn't go on a date if she still had feelings of her ex and may not be over him. i was absolutely gutted and my confidence was smashed to pieces. im really devastated, my life felt great and its been turned upside down 2 days before my first date. im still kinda shocked, i don't have anybody to talk to about it, usually any guy that gets his heart broken or hurt can pick himself up and dust himself off and go again, but its REALLY EXTREMELY hard for me to do this, i have no guy mates to hang with or help me thru it. im stuck sitting at the 4 walls of my bedroom with all the things festering in my head i keep going over stuff over and over and over. im trapped in my own hell i made. im full of apathy right now, i cant eat, i cant sleep too well, i have no interest in anything.
she wanted to meet up to talk about it but i just couldn't face her. so i sent a long message on facebook saying i was trying to deal with it. i am. i just can't face her. i like her so much it hurts. i cant be around her if she wants another man, she made me believe she wanted me. it hurts. because i am so very lonely and sad all the time, just when i find a girl, this happens, yet again, 3rd time to reach out, 3rd time to get burned before anything materializes, as i said its easy to get back up when you got mates and people around you, i go home everyday after work to my bedroom i got nobody or no way to vent. everything gets bottled up inside.
to make matters worse, just last night we were talking on facebook, (im trying to stay friends with her) BECAUSE if i lose her i lose any contact with the outside world, if i tried stay friends maybe i can get over her and met up, maybe get out of the house more, start trying to go out maybe at weekends, i don't know anybody much to go out drinking with.
anyways she tells me on facebook chat she got really drunk Friday night and had to get an emergency contraception thing as she was really stupid, she slept with some guy (not her ex) and she isn't going to tell him as he would be upset. she felt so bad about it and she felt bad like as if she had cheated on 2 guys even tho she didn't have a boyfriend. this was like another knife to my heart. i just don't know what to do anymore. i feel like giving up. forever alone... that me.. literally. laugh at it if you like. i feel such a loser.

my problem NOW is... do i stay friends with her?? she really is a nice girl, she just got caught up in this with her feelings and she didn't realize she still had feelings for her ex, i mean 5 years with someone is a long time.
i dont know what to do. she want to stay friends and say we can still hang out and go do things together but HOW can i??? i feel foir her and besides how can i be around her if she has a BF? id feel sick and betrayed. i had all these thoughts of us going places together, becoming best friends. i was facing my fears and felt like i could do anything. my confidence and fears were getting less and i was feeling so so happy for once. i just dont know what toi do. if i cut her out of my life i fear im on my own again, all the last couple of months have been for nothing. lost and gone. but if i stay friends will this torture me? WILL i get over her?? i just don't know whats best, im afraid to lose her tho. i don't get out at all... like EVER. as regards the pub scene so i don't meet people my age, i don't like those situations as im very quiet i am bad with conversational skills. so i avoid uncomfortable situations due to the SA. im in a very bad place right now, my heart is hurting, my soul feels dead inside. i feel empty and so very very alone.
i need to talk to someone professionally before i sink into a depression, but IF you have read as far as here GREAT!
maybe you could give me advise! i dunno, im using this to vent my frustration.
i really feel im going to be on my own forever, depressed and alone. i feel like hanging myself sometimes.


she did say to me tho that had we been more established, maybe gone on a date or 2 already i guess that's what she meant!! that she would have been able to turn down her ex.

 

[inconspicuous name]

read the whole thing, you're actually in a pretty common situation that most guys will go through at some point probably a few times.

if you try and stay friends with her it's pretty unlikely you'll ever fully get over her, you might be able to become good friends eventually but it'll still sting a little every time you see her with a boyfriend/she talks about it ect

you could try and make something more of it, but she's clearly not over her ex.

good luck anyway man

 

[schist]

No.

Having said that, if she really wants you, she'll go to any measure to try and win you back into her life.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

you probably should see a doctor or therapist or someone who you could talk to, it would really help just to get a lot of this off your mind, ya know? trust me, you'd feel much better having someone to talk to who could give you professional advice and something to work towards

anyway.. sounds like the girl is just complicated at this time.. like she said 'bad timing', which is horrible to say... but if she's got an ex still coming around randomly, you don't want to have anything to do with her. you're right, five years is a long time, and it's really hard to let go of that and get into something new. honestly, i would advise you to distance yourself from her right now.. maybe in the future you could be friends. but right now, you don't need her venting to you about other guys or telling you that you could have had her, etc etc.. especially if you're so hurt by the situation, ya know? she seems nice and all, but what she's doing to you is inconsiderate and selfish, she just wants to have her cake and eat it, too.. =/

you have plenty to look forward to, don't give up! see a therapist or someone to talk to, to help you work through your SA.. in the meantime, work on making yourself happy.. keep up the exercise, learn to love yourself.. i know it's a cliche, but you can't truly love anyone else until you love yourself. you can't give anyone else your all, until you have your all to give and right now you're just going through a hard time and you're broken... you'll get through it though, no doubt, we all do best wishes to you!

 

[deleted user 1]

She is emotionally immature. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, there are many girls out there, many of whom who will treat you far better than this. Why not join some form of social group to get you out of the house more? Something that is not so emotionally draining. But whatever you choose to do, just remember that no individual is the be all end all of your life, if she cannot sort herself out, then that's too bad for her. I just think that it's unfair that you should allow youself to be dangled on the end of a string for her convenience. Now get out there and enjoy your life, what you were feeling when you felt great was real! That came from within YOU! Don't lose your mojo over this

 

[Fighter86]

I agree with Aristocrat, don't put all your eggs in one basket, try to get to know other girls as well, since she seems to be looking around as well. Good luck.


I wish I can offer more advise but I'm not too good with relationships myself.

 

[aidan]

yeah i do feel used a little and i was so stupidly gullible with my emotions, i cant help im kinda sensitive guy and any affection or anything im shown i just latch onto it too much, its not exactly often i meet a girl, maybe every 3 or 4 year i make an attempt, its always through online sites!! in this case a dating site.
i have decided to go see a doctor this week or maybe get referred to a psychologist or therapist to try help me out of this dark slump im in.
i know she is dragging me down, but its gonna be so incredibly hard for me to let her go to push her away and tell her we cant be friends anymore, because im all on my own again then, and she works right around the corner so i will be thinking of her alot. its though but i know its probably the best option. im just so fond of her right now and i feel so bad. but thanks everyone for putting me on the right track and helping me with advise, i appreciate the help here

 

[Aussie_Lad]

So is she seeing her ex again, or is she just thinking about it? If they are just thinking about getting back together, then you haven't lost her until you stop trying or they are actually back together.

 

[maiato]

you have plenty to look forward to, don't give up! see a therapist or someone to talk to, to help you work through your SA.. in the meantime, work on making yourself happy.. keep up the exercise, learn to love yourself.. i know it's a cliche, but you can't truly love anyone else until you love yourself. you can't give anyone else your all, until you have your all to give and right now you're just going through a hard time and you're broken... you'll get through it though, no doubt, we all do best wishes to you!

First of all sory for my english (not my native language)!!

I just quote agoraphobickatie cause i think she just made a really nice resume in some words....most important of all "you can't truly love anyone else until you love yourself"...it's a really cliche but is for sure one of the most truth things on life. U wont be able to love know one until u become independent on yourself. If that doesnt happen u will be turning up side own when something shakes a bit...

So go towards that goal. Start loving yourself more How can u do it? Still dont have the right answer...but it starts to become more "selfish" (in a good away)...think what do u really want to achieve for yourself that dont depends from others, that makes u happier, proud....that will brings u the self esteem and confident u talk about!!! And get much more assertive too! that will help u managing some situations whith your friend!

Going directly to your answer..."should i stay friends with this woman?". I would tell u that the right answer is YES! NO DOUBT! Why? For the some question Why not? But first of all get clear what u want from no on. U should protect yourself from hurting and at the same time manage the relationship with her. Get some time from her. Get some distance. Keep moving your life....and somedays from now try to evaluate the situation again. Dont be extreme! U will always have more to loose.

U might loose a girlfriend but might win a friend. And for me, the time as teach me.....that first come and go and the last may stay forever

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I think you should remain friends with her instead of demolishing all contact. It could make you stronger because some people change their feelings all the time, and it's a way to accept this. She's not reliable in a romantic way. Give it time, try again elsewhere. Hopefully you won't run into this again. Heartbreak is annoying but mostly unavoidable in relationships. Enjoy the good moments, and hope you find someone you really love and of coarse take care of yourself

 

[deleted user 1]

I think you should remain friends with her instead of demolishing all contact. It could make you stronger because some people change their feelings all the time, and it's a way to accept this. She's not reliable in a romantic way. Give it time, try again elsewhere. Hopefully you won't run into this again. Heartbreak is annoying but mostly unavoidable in relationships. Enjoy the good moments, and hope you find someone you really love and of coarse take care of yourself

I agree with this, and would also like to reiterate that I was not trying to infer that breaking all contact was the best thing to do at this point, lol.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

you probably should see a doctor or therapist or someone who you could talk to, it would really help just to get a lot of this off your mind, ya know? trust me, you'd feel much better having someone to talk to who could give you professional advice and something to work towards

anyway.. sounds like the girl is just complicated at this time.. like she said 'bad timing', which is horrible to say... but if she's got an ex still coming around randomly, you don't want to have anything to do with her. you're right, five years is a long time, and it's really hard to let go of that and get into something new. honestly, i would advise you to distance yourself from her right now.. maybe in the future you could be friends. but right now, you don't need her venting to you about other guys or telling you that you could have had her, etc etc.. especially if you're so hurt by the situation, ya know? she seems nice and all, but what she's doing to you is inconsiderate and selfish, she just wants to have her cake and eat it, too.. =/

you have plenty to look forward to, don't give up! see a therapist or someone to talk to, to help you work through your SA.. in the meantime, work on making yourself happy.. keep up the exercise, learn to love yourself.. i know it's a cliche, but you can't truly love anyone else until you love yourself. you can't give anyone else your all, until you have your all to give and right now you're just going through a hard time and you're broken... you'll get through it though, no doubt, we all do best wishes to you!

Most well balanced and reasoned answer. You can be friends LATER - right now yes she would and is causing you torture. Torture is not good. And some stuff she said to you doesn't sound like a friend... despite everything she went through - she put you through a lot - not so easy to now just be friends and as Katie said, have her cake and eat it too.

Distance is good. For both of you. The pain wont go away right away then - but if you're constantly reminded of it with her etc. it'll never go away. You may find someone who really does want to be with you... =) Once you're healed, friendship can maybe be mended and mutual. Atm - it seems pretty one sided.

 

[BleedTheFreak]

I've been where you are before, where you make a connection with someone and you start thinking about the future and the things you want to do together. It motivates you and kinda gives you a reason to wake up in the morning, but when it goes wrong it's devastating. I spent a long time after it was over just being a drone, an absolute slug with no motivation. I'd be in bed for days with my mind constantly running, thinking of a way to salvage what happened. Then I'd get up to do something and after 5 minutes I'd say to myself, "Nope, nevermind" and just go back to bed...it was debilitating, but I definitely learned alot from it.

A few people have already said what I was going to say, which was that you shouldn't depend on this person for happiness. She sounds like she's not being very responsible, so some time apart would probably be the best thing, especially for you.

 

[DarkPhoenix]

The fact that she was willing to go out on a date with you whilst still having unresolved feelings for her ex tells me she is really only thinking of herself. You need to concentrate on dealing with your issues through therapy, having contact with her will only make it that much more difficult to dig your way out of the hole you are in right now. Who knows, you might find someone else in the process? Dont be her backup plan, you deserve better than that.

 

[aidan]

i SHOULD just walk away, i texted her yesterday and told her not to contact me for the time being, that i needed my space etc. it felt great, like i was in power, i need my space because i have decided to attack my SA full on.. again. this week im going to go to a psychiatrist, just to talk and see how things work out. i think SA is the root of all my problems, causing the loneliness, sadness, emptiness, feeling very alone, feeling depressed, even leading to depression etc.
yes, she hurt me bad, but also at the same time, we were never anything more than friends to begin with, as someone said, i invested too much emotions into her. im gonna stay clear of her until i can start to figure out what i want to do and what way im feeling about it in a few weeks or whenever it takes me to decide. i really really appreciate everyone's input. i have read everyone's reply's more than once, and have been thinking a lot about it all. im feeling ever so slightly better about myself and am not gonna let this woman make me give up. I'll struggle on. its hard to keep the head up high and fight on but the alternative is much worse. im gonna start to worry about making myself feel happy and good again. maybe this therapist can help.

 

[AGR]

Nope she is the tipical person who leaves all doors open,shoots at all sides,unlikely she will ever change,as long as you are around her and like her, drama like this will happen,worst thing a guy can do is enter a relationship with this kind of girl,I have seen time and time again.

 

[cola junky]

hey....
like everybody else here i 2 think u should stop talking to this girl but i think the main reason u got hurt was because u r alone & u dont have an alternative. i think that u r doing the right thing by deciding to cope with your sa. once u will meet other girls u r lightly to get hurt less and less.
by the way i think that u r very brave for telling a woman u just met about your sa: it took me alot of time to confess about this problem to my best & closest friends so confessing about this to a stranger....wow!
anyway i want to wish u best of luck and i hope u will find the right girl....

 

[RolloTomasi]

Dude, no. Just no. Cut her out of your life as you would any cancerous growth. Ok, that's a little harsh. But I've been there far too often and it's always the same result. I agree with a previous poster who suggested seeing a councilor or therapist to talk through this.

There's a serious danger for people with anxiety, SA, depression etc to form co-dependent relationships. Even reading the topic, your language was pointing that direction. She MADE you feel better about yourself. She was GIVING you confidence... and on and on. Not a good thing. Confidence and self-esteem are things you have to give yourself. When you rely on other people for those things...ta-da, co-dependency. And when they pull something like she did, you end up feeling as you did.

You can't give someone that much power of your emotions. Especially when you're vulnerable. I don't mean to play the cynic, but there are a lot of people who are users. They think nothing of stepping on other people or using others as a convenience. When you aren't comfortable enough with yourself, it's easy to allow yourself to be used just so you can get a little attention or another little boost to your self-esteem. That's a very slippery slope. Don't go there.

/rant