Over-protective parents, I need difference.

[Falkor]

Hello there,

I'm 19 years old, and my parents still threat me like a 13 year old girl.
I mean, because I used to be isolated for 3 years due to social anxiety.
Doesn't mean that I didn't develop myself, or haven't become mature?
I actually changed a lot in three years, I learnt alot, especially how to get through a tough time, and it teached me a lot, and I've seen a lot of people.
Even though I used to be isolated, I still been around and see faces, but I haven't been outside, like in the presence, so I spent indeed, a lot of time being alone, but I have been in clinic for a couple of months, and I have been singing in a band, for god sakes, but I quit, cuz of sa.

My mom, send people on social networking site's, a lot about my disorder, she has a networking site on autism (i deal with autism), and she writes about a lot of embarassing topic's, like that i need structure, and she writes ''stupid lists'' for me in the morning to not forget anything. Isn't that a human thing? Everybody would forget if they'd have to do like a multiple things.

Okay I do have autism-characterisms, but still.. I don't want to be threaten different(Only that they will listen and be there for me, but no controlling plz!), I want to be like every other 19 year old, please no over-protective controlling.. It is driving me insane...

I mean, there's nothing wrong with love.. okay? I know they do this out of love, but.. I'd rather go alone, to events.. and not let them control me.
Or my parents telling me, that it is a fact that i have a handicap (for god sakes, social anxiety/autism isn't a handicap) and that I cannot take care of myself and i'm not an adult, because I haven't been out for 3 years.
That is so breaking me! I do not deserve that....

Because i have a disorder, isn't another reason that I can't take care of myself, I'm an open-minded person, with a lot of dreams and I am wise.
I mean, I'm not an arrogant person, but I do know that I'm intelligent enough to know what is right and wrong, and I know how to take care of my money, I know how to keep household, I am very serious about making homework, I always make my homework, it is so important to me. So I'm not a little kid anymore.

So .. I just wanted to share... Thanks for reading.

 

[missjesss]

hey saskia...

I'm curious to know about your autism characteristics and how did a specialist pick them out??

Also maybe you should have a mature discussion with your parents about this (without arguing) and see if yous can come to some sort of arrangement

 

[doubleM]

my parents were really strict on me growing up. with parents like that sometimes you have to tell them to back off, and just by doing that it shows you are an independent adult. i had to do it with mine several years ago and it worked. it might hurt their feelings a little though.

 

[Feathers]

Can you move away?

Saskia, I don't know what to say, I'm 30+ and my parents still treat me as a 12-year-old sometimes (or 6yo, if Im not lucky!!)

It comes with living with your parents.... Can you go live away from them as you planned? (That was quite inspiring to hear, what happened of it?) I had the time of my live living away from them at the dorm when I was studying!! I still had them in my head internalized so I wasn't PARTYING or doing silly things as much as I'd like to, but it was still WAY more freeing!!

As I said before, I know a 60+ successful enterpreneur, single mum, who was still getting annoyed by her mum/parents cause she lived with them in the same house, even if they had separate households!! (Her mum would come to her home office and would request to be taken to shop immediately and such, and wreak havoc with her schedule due to unpredictable plans...)

Are you still going to the support group etc?
What do they mean that you weren't 'out' in 3 years? You went to all these things: to visit Gran, to your gf and see friends, to the support group etc...? Did they mean like 'going out' to party or what?? Or to shops and such?

Often, parents have own issues and may 'take it out' on kids...
They may also feel under a lot of stress and it may be good that they have a support system too, I can imagine it's just freakin' annoying if it's all public on a forum like you're saying??

My mum has ranted about us to people at a church group etc and it was really annoying too... And dad has ranted even to neighbours, yikes... So in a way maybe it's even better if it's a support forum with strangers... (Maybe it would be better with no real names though... Can't your mum be anonymous online??)

Sorry to hear the band thing didn't work out... What happened?
It's great that you even tried being in a band!!

You might have some Asperger's (I don't think you have 'full-blown' autism, there is a spectrum though, and many people can have at least some characteristics...) and there are support forums for that...

Just curious, does your mum have any other interests and hobbies? Sometimes parents may obsess about children too much if they don't have other interesting interests or social network outside of kids...
My mum was new to the town we're in and didn't know almost anyone at first... She just had job, garden, and us kids... And she obsessed about us and our health etc way too much too.. I think she also may have had GAD to at least some degree, over-worrying etc. (And Grandma too..) She got better when she joined a charity/volunteering and gym class and got to know more people, though she became a bit overly-religious and sometimes too over-occupied with the charity stuff etc.

When kids become of age to 'fly away', this can be quite scary for some parents... they may feel like their life would be meaningless now etc. They need to find new hobbies and interests etc.

Anyway, I recommend that you move on your own as soon as you can, if it's financially possible... And ideally get some job/way of making money too... Don't depend on parents' money though, try to be independent...

 

[carecrab]

i can relate to this.

with my parents, they don't allow me to do stuff because they don't trust me, so maybe what you need to do is show your parents that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

may sound a bit harsh but you have the right to an individual life and as a 19 year old you are considered a grownup in society. And if they don't want to give you that you've got to take it, for example by saying im going to a skateboard meeting together with one of my friends in amsterdam. And if they say no, you tell them that you are going to do it anyway.


PS: i believe there is an actual skating meeting. gotta brush up my skating skills

 

[Falkor]

hey saskia...

I'm curious to know about your autism characteristics and how did a specialist pick them out??

Also maybe you should have a mature discussion with your parents about this (without arguing) and see if yous can come to some sort of arrangement

hey jess, thanks for your answer. A professor/Specialist diagnosed me, with Autism when I was 5 years old. My symptoms are, not understanding jokes very easily, take things literally a lot, obsessed about certain stuff too fast, mood swings, anxiety, of the heel on the branch jump (mixing conversations, talking about a lot of stuff at the same time), hard time making friends and socialise and so on... It's a rare diagnose, mcdd. multiple complex development disorder. although I would rather say I'm an assburger, lol. I think I can relate a lot to asperger's syndrome. And I see a lot of SA's have asperger's as well. but,, I dunno, I can also relate to McDD, but it's not an ''official diagnose'' since it's not an official psychological disorder in the book of psychology, but it is breaking through now...though

 

[Falkor]

i can relate to this.

with my parents, they don't allow me to do stuff because they don't trust me, so maybe what you need to do is show your parents that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

may sound a bit harsh but you have the right to an individual life and as a 19 year old you are considered a grownup in society. And if they don't want to give you that you've got to take it, for example by saying im going to a skateboard meeting together with one of my friends in amsterdam. And if they say no, you tell them that you are going to do it anyway.


PS: i believe there is an actual skating meeting. gotta brush up my skating skills

Thanks CareCrab. So, you are going to a skate meeting? Wow, cool.
You know it is funny, I just wanted to meet an online skate friend last week.. he wants to practice tricks together and he doesn't live too far away..
Sadly my parents don't want me to meet him now, because it's a guy.. blabla.
It sucks... but of course i should be careful of dangers, but maybe I should go to a skate meeting as well, more people, so I'm not alone with just 1 person.
When is it? Btw.. It's nice to meet a fellow skate-lover, how long have you been skating? Have you ever been to an indoor skatepark, I wanna visit sometime. Is it nice to skate in Amsterdam?

 

[Falkor]

my parents were really strict on me growing up. with parents like that sometimes you have to tell them to back off, and just by doing that it shows you are an independent adult. i had to do it with mine several years ago and it worked. it might hurt their feelings a little though.

I'm so glad it worked for you, thanks for the advice. I will try to do the same, still it's hard to hurt feelings, but I cannot say Yes to everything, and let them control my life,,, forever.

 

[Rot]

I understand how you feel and why they do it.

I'm sure you've spoken many times with them about it, but why don't you have a serious and sincere talk with them? Telling them how you feel about this over-protection, telling them that you are not a kid anymore and you can take care of yourself.

Maybe you have already tried, but your message seemed so emotional and it seems it's affecting you. I think if you tell them the same, with the same emotion, they'll change their aptitude. But not just a comentary, I mean making a reunion and exposing everything to them, showing them how you feel.

It has worked for me with my parents. Sometimes they believe things are the way they think and until you don't show your emotions and how that's affecting you, they won't be conscious and they'll keep thinking the same.

You look a conscious person, I hope they change their behavior

 

[Falkor]

Re: Can you move away?

Saskia, I don't know what to say, I'm 30+ and my parents still treat me as a 12-year-old sometimes (or 6yo, if Im not lucky!!)

It comes with living with your parents.... Can you go live away from them as you planned? (That was quite inspiring to hear, what happened of it?) I had the time of my live living away from them at the dorm when I was studying!! I still had them in my head internalized so I wasn't PARTYING or doing silly things as much as I'd like to, but it was still WAY more freeing!!

As I said before, I know a 60+ successful enterpreneur, single mum, who was still getting annoyed by her mum/parents cause she lived with them in the same house, even if they had separate households!! (Her mum would come to her home office and would request to be taken to shop immediately and such, and wreak havoc with her schedule due to unpredictable plans...)

Are you still going to the support group etc?
What do they mean that you weren't 'out' in 3 years? You went to all these things: to visit Gran, to your gf and see friends, to the support group etc...? Did they mean like 'going out' to party or what?? Or to shops and such?

Often, parents have own issues and may 'take it out' on kids...
They may also feel under a lot of stress and it may be good that they have a support system too, I can imagine it's just freakin' annoying if it's all public on a forum like you're saying??

My mum has ranted about us to people at a church group etc and it was really annoying too... And dad has ranted even to neighbours, yikes... So in a way maybe it's even better if it's a support forum with strangers... (Maybe it would be better with no real names though... Can't your mum be anonymous online??)

Sorry to hear the band thing didn't work out... What happened?
It's great that you even tried being in a band!!

You might have some Asperger's (I don't think you have 'full-blown' autism, there is a spectrum though, and many people can have at least some characteristics...) and there are support forums for that...

Just curious, does your mum have any other interests and hobbies? Sometimes parents may obsess about children too much if they don't have other interesting interests or social network outside of kids...
My mum was new to the town we're in and didn't know almost anyone at first... She just had job, garden, and us kids... And she obsessed about us and our health etc way too much too.. I think she also may have had GAD to at least some degree, over-worrying etc. (And Grandma too..) She got better when she joined a charity/volunteering and gym class and got to know more people, though she became a bit overly-religious and sometimes too over-occupied with the charity stuff etc.

When kids become of age to 'fly away', this can be quite scary for some parents... they may feel like their life would be meaningless now etc. They need to find new hobbies and interests etc.

Anyway, I recommend that you move on your own as soon as you can, if it's financially possible... And ideally get some job/way of making money too... Don't depend on parents' money though, try to be independent...

Thanks for your reply!! I love your suggestions


It comes with living with your parents.... Can you go live away from them as you planned? (That was quite inspiring to hear, what happened of it?)
I wanted to move out, but found out that the apartment, i was going to live.. Is not really my kind of thing. It's a long story. also I don't like to have guidance over me all the time, I'd rather have my own space, and 1 week conversation, just about financial stuff and sometimes a convo about personal issues. I just like to have freedom, if I'll leave this place. If I won't, it's still bothering me, you know? I just like to be very independent and on my own. People would never expect this, by a frightened person who is shy and used to be so afraid, But... i'm fact I'm so different.. They just don't see it.

But maybe I should look at another apartment... also, my parents thought about building a garden-house, so i have my own space. (we have a very big garden)

Are you still going to the support group etc?
What do they mean that you weren't 'out' in 3 years?
Yes, still going to my support-group, 2 times a week.
I'm also going to drink somewhere with the other girls of the group, they are both dealing with the same aspects, so i think we could become a very close group.

My parents mean, that I have been fighting against sa for 3 years.
i have been out indeed, but it was such a hard time.. so that is on mind of them.

Sorry to hear the band thing didn't work out... What happened?
It's great that you even tried being in a band!!

It was around 2009... I tried yup. I even performed on stage, but I was so freaking nervous while being at the performance that I gave up. I told them a day after performing live, I couldn't go on with the band anymore, I was even afraid to see them at the jam-sessions:/ my anxiety was REAL severe.
I was crying if I needed to rehearsal, canceled a lot of times.
I'm glad I can handle this better now.


You might have some Asperger's (I don't think you have 'full-blown' autism)
Well, it would not suprise me.

When kids become of age to 'fly away', this can be quite scary for some parents...
I know that I should not take this literally, you mean just getting on your own and be capable to do things on your own, But I just told my parents I want to travel the world, go on holiday with my gf in Canada, like 4 days,a week or such.. and they didn't allow me, so that made me really pissed off, because I really want to get somewhere, without them, they tell me'' You cannot handle that now'', well I can, because I love travelling, what is wrong about it?

Thanks for teh advice, Feathers

 

[Feathers]

Re: Can you move away?

You're welcome!

I wanted to move out, but found out that the apartment, i was going to live.. Is not really my kind of thing. It's a long story. also I don't like to have guidance over me all the time, I'd rather have my own space, and 1 week conversation, just about financial stuff and sometimes a convo about personal issues. I just like to have freedom, if I'll leave this place. If I won't, it's still bothering me, you know? I just like to be very independent and on my own. People would never expect this, by a frightened person who is shy and used to be so afraid, But... i'm fact I'm so different.. They just don't see it.

Ah, okay, I understand... It was some kind of 'supported living' and too structured?
I'd probably have a hard time in something like that too... Some structure is nice, but I need my alone time and freedom too...

But maybe I should look at another apartment... also, my parents thought about building a garden-house, so i have my own space. (we have a very big garden)

Yeah, I think this would be a good idea, to look at other appartments or rooms... Depends on your finances I guess...
Even if you have your own 'mini house' you won't be 'totally free', they will come and interfere if they're anything like my parents lol, so if you could get your own finances/money somehow and be somewhere completely independent (or with more understanding friends/relatives), this would be better...

Yes, still going to my support-group, 2 times a week.
I'm also going to drink somewhere with the other girls of the group, they are both dealing with the same aspects, so i think we could become a very close group.

Well, this is great!! Keep on doing the good work!

My parents mean, that I have been fighting against sa for 3 years.
i have been out indeed, but it was such a hard time.. so that is on mind of them.

hmm, they're probably HSP (highly sensitive) too, so this may be hard for them, harder than for you even... You may say something like, 'even if it's hard for me, it's also great - the feeling of accomplishment afterwards etc.' Maybe they don't realize that even if it's hard it's also very rewarding for you...

You have been making quite big steps, your parents may not see it yet!! Or may not be ready for even 'bigger' steps!
(Honestly I think they're pretty understanding that you have a gf and all, my dad is anti-gay so they'd flip if I brought home a gf or announced one! lol!)

It was around 2009... I tried yup. I even performed on stage, but I was so freaking nervous while being at the performance that I gave up. I told them a day after performing live, I couldn't go on with the band anymore, I was even afraid to see them at the jam-sessions:/ my anxiety was REAL severe.
I was crying if I needed to rehearsal, canceled a lot of times.
I'm glad I can handle this better now.

WOW, you were BRAVE indeed!!
Well, I went on stage and performed a few times too... I actually don't mind performing that much, a bit scared of musicians and recording though lol! So you're way BRAVER than me!!
We talked about jamming or maybe putting a band together with some people, it never really kinda happened... I mean, there was interest on both sides, I guess I was just shy and the circumstances (or maybe the people included) weren't just 'right' you know?

So hoping you manage to find nice people who will be understanding and that the circumstances would go well too!!

I know that I should not take this literally, you mean just getting on your own and be capable to do things on your own, But I just told my parents I want to travel the world, go on holiday with my gf in Canada, like 4 days,a week or such.. and they didn't allow me, so that made me really pissed off, because I really want to get somewhere, without them, they tell me'' You cannot handle that now'', well I can, because I love travelling, what is wrong about it?

Well, maybe going from 'nowhere' or 'just around town' to 'Canada' was a big shock for your parents lol!! Canada is quite far and the travel could be a bit expensive too...

What about if you'd go to something 'closer' in Europe - like maybe Germany or another country near you? (So that you're at least on the same continent and parents can have easier access to you if something happens? And you could get home more easily too?)

Or maybe go for 'mini-trips' in the same country first? Just to a city near-by, maybe stay in a hostel with gf?

Flying all the way to Canada for just 4 days or a week seems pretty expensive to me... I don't know if you're rich or something (or your parents or gf's parents...?) If you're not so rich, it may be better to save money for Canada and/or for independent living, and go to 'mini trips' closer to where you live... Europe is very beautiful too...

What do you want to see in Canada? Could similar things/events be found in Europe too? Or even in your own country?

After you've made some mini trips and all went well, parents would find it easier to trust you to go for longer trips more far away...

And you know, even good friends or couples can quarrel on a trip, so maybe it's good to spend some time together not-so-far-away, so you see if you're compatible in your travel habits etc. Would you be okay with walking around a foreign country alone by yourself too? I quarrelled with my friend/s sometimes and we spent a day apart or so... Once we even returned home separately lol... (Sometimes all went well, but sometimes things can happen too...) Or some people got documents/money stolen, or luggage sent to Africa, could you deal with paperwork and circumstances etc? (Of course you probably could, it's good to research and know what to do though...)

And it would be good to research if there are any relatives or a support sytem (like what you have in Netherlands) in that country - again it may be easier to travel then... (eg day center that you can go to and any psychological help if needed, relatives or friends you could visit or stay with etc)

 

[findnemo10]

I can relate. I'm almost 30 and married now. My parents are a little better now then when I lived with them, but they are still overprotective. I'm still shy and get anxious around others, but I was sheltered a lot growing up too. I can understand your frustrations with your parents treating you like a young teenager, but you have learned a lot and are growing and your parents need to see that.

 

[Social_Monstrosity]

Well I live with my mother and aunt. Mom's not particularly overprotective but my aunt is. I decided to get out of the house today and she called me 20 minutes later and asked where I was. She also tells me to go to sleep no later than 1 in the morning.

It doesn't help that I'm nearly 21. I feel like I'm regressing or something...