Over estimating how much we're being judged?

[Jim_Bergerac]

Keep going with that belief Jim; in my opinion it will definitely give you a better experience of life. Social Phobics tend to be too Outer World focused, and are kind of waiting to see how other people react and will then let themselves be affected by what they think they see. In my view, and this has been working for me, we need to completely cut that out and just go Direct. When I say go Direct, I just mean live from who you know you are deep within; and the more you practice this (and Lord it takes practice and patience) the less you will be looking for Outer World Validation and feedback.
If you observe very confident and together people you will notice they pay little heed to others views of them; they just know that All is Well and they stick with that.

Excellent points Alan. This cutting out waiting to see how people react is so important and instead just living life directly is what is needed. I am sure a lot of people can relate that so often we get ourselves in such a state just in anticipation of a situation - worrying about what people will think of us, fearing the worst case scenario, and so come the situation we're so anxious and crippled by nerves that we just cannot perform and cope.

On friday I had to go into another office and ask for some papers from this girl. I got myself into such a state. I was fearing that she will judge me as ugly and negatively for how I look. I was so self conscious of her attention on me which made me so anxious, and then just asking for the papers was such an ordeal, I couldn't just be calm and myself and say it nicely, I probably came across as a bit nervous and weird.
The root of the anxiety is me living my life believing I am going to be judged as ugly and negatively whenever I am looked at - I hate living my life like this, like I am always being critically analysed and judged as horrible and inadequate, its not right or fair. These beliefs that I developed in my teenage years when a number of people always were putting me down and calling me ugly and calling me names it brainwashed me into believing that is what people think and see when they look at me. Its just so destructive. I have changed so much from how I looked back then and they were immature kids who were insensitive and cruel. I am living my life with beliefs that I am always being judged negatively just because of those kids. Whereas how can it be true when I've had some really nice positive comments in recent times about how I look.

I see a lot of this same thing in others. I know someone who fears being judged as stupid/dumb because her mother always said she was stupid and saying such dumb things as a child for years and years. She hates asking questions out loud or people seeing her work or attention on what she says because she absolutely 100% believes that people are going to judge her as stupid. And the reality is that she won't be judged as stupid and people aren't judging her as stupid, but she is so stuck in the old beliefs that whenever she says something she is in danger of being judged as stupid because that is what happened so many times.
But in reality adults are not judging others in this way at all. Prolonged negative judgements in the past really do seem to make you believe that is how everyone sees you but it is flawed. I mean if I was nasty enough to say something nasty out loud to someone, it does not mean that is how everyone else thinks about that person.

 

[Krista]

There's no real point in saying this, I'm sure it's what we all wish for but could God spare me one damn moment where things don't always feel like they're going to be a struggle. I know realistically people aren't thinking about me as much as I assume they do, that they aren't saying all these horrible things in their heads about me like I feel they are but trying to convince myself of this just doesn't seem to work. Psyching myself up before I go somewhere is useless because the moment I step in a room, the overwhelming need to get out takes over. I know that it's my problem, I don't like myself enough and sometimes..most times I feel like I never will. I just want one hour where I know what it feels like to not care and just be alright with things. Wasted effort.

 

[Pink_Paula]

There's no real point in saying this, I'm sure it's what we all wish for but could God spare me one damn moment where things don't always feel like they're going to be a struggle. I know realistically people aren't thinking about me as much as I assume they do, that they aren't saying all these horrible things in their heads about me like I feel they are but trying to convince myself of this just doesn't seem to work. Psyching myself up before I go somewhere is useless because the moment I step in a room, the overwhelming need to get out takes over. I know that it's my problem, I don't like myself enough and sometimes..most times I feel like I never will. I just want one hour where I know what it feels like to not care and just be alright with things. Wasted effort.

Reading that, that's exactly how i am too. I try to tell myself that people really aren't looking at me or judging me in the way i think they are, i'm just not that important, but i just don't believe it and my irrational side takes over and go into hiding

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

Reading that, that's exactly how i am too. I try to tell myself that people really aren't looking at me or judging me in the way i think they are, i'm just not that important, but i just don't believe it and my irrational side takes over and go into hiding

You say that you don't believe it, so its no wonder you slip into the negative thinking that people are judging you. Maybe you should work more on understanding and realising how people really are thinking. Looking at how others are judging others, how people would judge someone very similar to you, how you judge others, etc - and maybe look at why you believe people are judging you and try and see how its wrong.

 

[Krista]

You all make great points, Paula, I understand exactly what you're talking about. The part I get lost at? I don't care or like myself enough, yes. The first step in being alright with life is being alright with myself.

I just don't know how to do that anymore.

I have talked with my family, friends, therapists. No accomplishment I create for myself makes me feel any better about me, to the point where I don't even understand why anyone really wants to be around me.

 

[Jim_Bergerac]

You all make great points, Paula, I understand exactly what you're talking about. The part I get lost at? I don't care or like myself enough, yes. The first step in being alright with life is being alright with myself.

I just don't know how to do that anymore.

I have talked with my family, friends, therapists. No accomplishment I create for myself makes me feel any better about me, to the point where I don't even understand why anyone really wants to be around me.

What is it you don't like about yourself? I am at a point where I love the person I am and I feel ok about how I look but I haven't always thought that way about myself.
In terms of personality there were parts of my personality I didn't like, I was a bit moody and sarcastic at times and I hated that part of me and I just decided to cut it all out, I wouldn't be like that any more and it was incredibly easy to achieve. As for how I look, I just aim to look my best and make the most of myself and I really feel very positive about myself now.
If you don't like yourself right now, why not aim to be the person you want to be. Its very possible.

 

[alanj]

Changing beliefs takes practice and patience and one has to be prepared to do it in many small steps; and if there are setbacks where you feel you are back at square one, then you must not beat yourself up, but instead realise that overall you have made progress.
I think it's a good idea to first tackle the anxiety provoking situations at the bottom of the hierarchy of anxiety provoking situations with an improved mental outlook(or belief), and then keep strenghtening the belief and eventually move up the ladder of seemingly anxious situations all the while strenghtening the new(more truthful) inner belief.
Generally speaking Social phobics think way too much I reckon. I have found Meditation to be very useful because you can practice being calm and not thinking and just let your thoughts drift by one by one and not be controlled by your mind so much.

 

[Brokenx]

You all make great points, Paula, I understand exactly what you're talking about. The part I get lost at? I don't care or like myself enough, yes. The first step in being alright with life is being alright with myself.

I just don't know how to do that anymore.

I have talked with my family, friends, therapists. No accomplishment I create for myself makes me feel any better about me, to the point where I don't even understand why anyone really wants to be around me.

From all the posts i have seen of yours i CAN understand many reasons people would want to be around you, you come across as a very caring, understanding, helpful human being, just to mention a few!

 

[Krista]

What is it you don't like about yourself? I am at a point where I love the person I am and I feel ok about how I look but I haven't always thought that way about myself.
In terms of personality there were parts of my personality I didn't like, I was a bit moody and sarcastic at times and I hated that part of me and I just decided to cut it all out, I wouldn't be like that any more and it was incredibly easy to achieve. As for how I look, I just aim to look my best and make the most of myself and I really feel very positive about myself now.
If you don't like yourself right now, why not aim to be the person you want to be. Its very possible.

What do I not like about myself? I've come to terms with how I look, I could say I'm not ugly but that doesn't mean I consider myself pretty or attractive in any way, I couldn't really tell you a certain thing. I try so hard to help people, I love helping everyone on here but nothing I do makes me feel like a good person anymore. I'm not saying I'm a bad one, I just disgust myself. With my weakness, my lack of security in myself. I've accomplished a lot, certainly enough to be proud of myself but nothing makes me feel alright with myself. It's like I'm just lost around here. For the ten minutes it takes me to feel good and respond to you guys on here about something, it takes five seconds to feeling like the lowest person again.

From all the posts i have seen of yours i CAN understand many reasons people would want to be around you, you come across as a very caring, understanding, helpful human being, just to mention a few!

But thank you, that actually means a lot to me dear. You're simply sweet, I do enjoy reading what you post as well

 

[Pink_Paula]

You all make great points, Paula, I understand exactly what you're talking about. The part I get lost at? I don't care or like myself enough, yes. The first step in being alright with life is being alright with myself.

I just don't know how to do that anymore.

I have talked with my family, friends, therapists. No accomplishment I create for myself makes me feel any better about me, to the point where I don't even understand why anyone really wants to be around me.

You should like who you are, from reading your posts on here, you seem to be such a lovely caring person and that's something to be proud of, there's not many people like that out there anymore.

But i do know what you mean you really do have to like yourself first, and that's hard almost impossible when all you see when you look in the mirror is a failure, i'm trying to like myself more and it's hard, i've disliked who i am for so long and things keep on happening to cement in my mind that i am useless, but i want to change and be better, and only i can do that!

 

[Kat]

I know it’s hard to balance those negative and positive judgemnets that are always there to make us aware of our sorroundings. It’s what they do with those judgemnets that SHOULD really matter.

I have glimpses where I think well this is nothing new, people have been *******s to me before what’s new? It’s not like I haven’t been through this before so why should I let it bring me down and for a small moment, I develop a bit of a thick skin to it, by not valuing their opinion.

Maybe you should talk to people who are able not to care so much what others think and take a leaf out of their book.::

Schools a bit different because you are forced to interact on a daily basis with those people. If you can get through that, then you know you can survive physically at least these judgements.

I am not sure what to tell you, just to hang in there or maybe you could try being hypnotized.

 

[Krista]

You should like who you are, from reading your posts on here, you seem to be such a lovely caring person and that's something to be proud of, there's not many people like that out there anymore.

But i do know what you mean you really do have to like yourself first, and that's hard almost impossible when all you see when you look in the mirror is a failure, i'm trying to like myself more and it's hard, i've disliked who i am for so long and things keep on happening to cement in my mind that i am useless, but i want to change and be better, and only i can do that!

Thank you so much. It hurts me to hear stuff like you not liking yourself! I can't imagine meeting a more likable and beautiful person! You're really very gracious and caring as well, it gives me faith to help others the way you do.

I'm going to try extra hard to understand the kind of person I am, to feel more better about myself and to believe in the good things that people tell me. I think after berating, downing and feeling useless with yourself after so long, it's extremely hard to quit that mind set. But we both deserve to try because we're truly lovely people. We just have to remember it more often.

 

[Krista]

I know it’s hard to balance those negative and positive judgemnets that are always there to make us aware of our sorroundings. It’s what they do with those judgemnets that SHOULD really matter.

I have glimpse where I think well this is nothing new, people have been *******s to me before what’s new? It’s not like I haven’t been through this before so why should I let it bring me down and for a small moment, I develop a bit of a thick skin to it, by not valuing their opinion.

Maybe you should talk to people who are able not to care so much what others think and take a leaf out of their book.::

Schools a bit different because you are forced to interact on a daily basis with those people. If you can get through that, then you know you can survive physically at least these judgements.

I am not sure what to tell you, just to hang in there or maybe you could try being hypnotized.

You and Paula are the best

 

[Pink_Paula]

Thank you so much. It hurts me to hear stuff like you not liking yourself! I can't imagine meeting a more likable and beautiful person! You're really very gracious and caring as well, it gives me faith to help others the way you do.

I'm going to try extra hard to understand the kind of person I am, to feel more better about myself and to believe in the good things that people tell me. I think after berating, downing and feeling useless with yourself after so long, it's extremely hard to quit that mind set. But we both deserve to try because we're truly lovely people. We just have to remember it more often.

Awww thank you so much, you've made me smile from ear to ear, i've been doubting i was a nice person recently, things have happened to make me believe that i was just a horrible person so it feel so good to hear that i am quite nice lol

I think you should try as hard as you can to begin to like yourself, because you truly are lovely and inspiring. I know how hard it will be to believe that because you're like me i've always been down on myself so to change that will take a lot of hard work, but you deserve to like yourself and we can do it together if you want

 

[Kat]

You and Paula are the best

Well, we definitely need more people with great hearts like this in our everyday life.

 

[hoddesdon]

You are absolutely right.

 

[206Raider]

Whenever I'm hanging out with people I feel good usually anywhere between 5 minutes and a half hour til it gets quiet and then I start thinking that I'm messing this up and start thinking how boring I am or if they don't like me or think I'm ugly or something like that. I start questioning everything I do and then it's an uphill battle to get feeling comfortable when I get like that.

 

[IhateHH]

now that i think about it, i agree with you. I keep remembering faces and certain "signs" that really brought me down, and everytime i go out and see a stranger make certain signs i automatically think there judging me or something. I tend to overthink and make it a bigger issue then it really easy, it kinda makes me feel self centered cuz that stranger might not even be paying any attention to me. It's something i gotta work on, by either ignoring it or conjuring enough self esteem to go up to the person and say, "hey did you just say something about me?" Doubt itle happen though..