Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
Take a deep breath.
From my earliest memories to now.
I was brought up in a Barnados childrens home from birth as my father was an in house social worker. We lived in a flat above the home. As a young child of 5 I used to associate with some of the kids there who were a lot older than me, mostly teenagers, but who would take me under their wing and watch out for me while my mother was at work and my father was busy with the more needy. There was a large wooded area at the back of the home where we use to play and build dens. It was one of these teenagers that was entrusted to take care of me who took me to the woods to play but who had other ideas. I was taken to a specific tree in the woods where we were not visible by anyone and was sexually abused for the first time. At the time due to my age I was not aware of what was happening to me. This went on, on a regular basis (once or twice a week), for the next two years until I was seven years old, when we eventually moved home due to my father being moved to a different home.
After moving home another twice due to my fathers work I was now ten. We moved to Leeds from Scarbrough and into the house of a friend of my mothers as our home was not ready to move into. My mothers friend had 3 sons and a daughter all older than me by 2 to 7 years. After a couple of weeks the eldest came to my room and forced himself upon me. By now I knew the right and wrongs of what was happening but was to scared to do anything about it. A couple of days later he came back in with his younger brother and they both abused me at the same time.
I have since found out that he abused all three of his siblings for years and was imprisoned for abusing mentaly ill patients in his care while he was working as a nurse in a mental hospital.
Four years later I was visiting my grandparents and my sister had met their new neighbours. A family of four girls, and one of which was really cute and my age. So I could see more of her I would go round to help her father build his shed in the garden. All was going great till the shed was done and we were moving things into it when he grabbed my hand and presssed it against his crotch. All I could think was 'not again', 'why me'. I ran out of the shed and straight back to my grandparents. My family couldn't understand why I would not go back round after spending all week there.
I spent almost all my teenage years as a recluse locking myself in my room playing computer games or going out on my bike for solitude. I was the butt of everyones jokes at school, even to the point of having my school bag nailed to the desk in woodwork class. I was a runt of a kid, scrawny.
When I left school I bombed on my exams so my parents wouldn't support me through college. I tried all sorts of jobs, mainly manual labor due to lack of qualifications.
I was encouraged to join the army which didn't appeal to me at first. The first few years were ok. The rules and discipline were good for me. Everything had order, which now makes sense to me as to why things were ok having OCD. One particular incident though threw me into a pit of despair.
I was in Bosnia in 1999 doing peacekeeping and I had to go to an autopsy of a mass grave to make sure the doctors weren't doing anything wrong like stealing jewelry or personal items from the bodies. While I was there they brought in a woman in her late twenties/early thirties and her daughter of about 8 years old. The daughters hands had been bound to her mothers hands around the wrist. The doctors estimated that the daughter had been shot through the head 2 weeks before the mother had finaly been shot throught the head. They had been there that long that their hands and finger bones had fused together. After this I took a post as a radio operator so I didn't have to go back out or speak to anyone face to face.
The whole episode is what has made me doubt humanity.
Since leaving the army I tried to take a few jobs but struggled to hold any down. I met my wife through my little brother who was best friends with her son. Now our son. He has Cystic Fibrosis and Diabetes Type 1. Due to this my wife has been severley depressed since he was born. She suffers with SA and has axiety and panic attacks. After our daughter was born I left work to become a home carer for my wife. Which threw up a host of new problems like living in each others pockets. She noticed how I was behaving with my need to control things with my compulsions and suggested I seek help. I was to scared to face up to things before then. I was diagnosed OCD 18 weeks ago and last week during a therapy session I learned I was prone to thoughts of Exestential Nihilism.:
: I googled it and that is what brought me here.
From my earliest memories to now.
I was brought up in a Barnados childrens home from birth as my father was an in house social worker. We lived in a flat above the home. As a young child of 5 I used to associate with some of the kids there who were a lot older than me, mostly teenagers, but who would take me under their wing and watch out for me while my mother was at work and my father was busy with the more needy. There was a large wooded area at the back of the home where we use to play and build dens. It was one of these teenagers that was entrusted to take care of me who took me to the woods to play but who had other ideas. I was taken to a specific tree in the woods where we were not visible by anyone and was sexually abused for the first time. At the time due to my age I was not aware of what was happening to me. This went on, on a regular basis (once or twice a week), for the next two years until I was seven years old, when we eventually moved home due to my father being moved to a different home.
After moving home another twice due to my fathers work I was now ten. We moved to Leeds from Scarbrough and into the house of a friend of my mothers as our home was not ready to move into. My mothers friend had 3 sons and a daughter all older than me by 2 to 7 years. After a couple of weeks the eldest came to my room and forced himself upon me. By now I knew the right and wrongs of what was happening but was to scared to do anything about it. A couple of days later he came back in with his younger brother and they both abused me at the same time.
I have since found out that he abused all three of his siblings for years and was imprisoned for abusing mentaly ill patients in his care while he was working as a nurse in a mental hospital.
Four years later I was visiting my grandparents and my sister had met their new neighbours. A family of four girls, and one of which was really cute and my age. So I could see more of her I would go round to help her father build his shed in the garden. All was going great till the shed was done and we were moving things into it when he grabbed my hand and presssed it against his crotch. All I could think was 'not again', 'why me'. I ran out of the shed and straight back to my grandparents. My family couldn't understand why I would not go back round after spending all week there.
I spent almost all my teenage years as a recluse locking myself in my room playing computer games or going out on my bike for solitude. I was the butt of everyones jokes at school, even to the point of having my school bag nailed to the desk in woodwork class. I was a runt of a kid, scrawny.
When I left school I bombed on my exams so my parents wouldn't support me through college. I tried all sorts of jobs, mainly manual labor due to lack of qualifications.
I was encouraged to join the army which didn't appeal to me at first. The first few years were ok. The rules and discipline were good for me. Everything had order, which now makes sense to me as to why things were ok having OCD. One particular incident though threw me into a pit of despair.
I was in Bosnia in 1999 doing peacekeeping and I had to go to an autopsy of a mass grave to make sure the doctors weren't doing anything wrong like stealing jewelry or personal items from the bodies. While I was there they brought in a woman in her late twenties/early thirties and her daughter of about 8 years old. The daughters hands had been bound to her mothers hands around the wrist. The doctors estimated that the daughter had been shot through the head 2 weeks before the mother had finaly been shot throught the head. They had been there that long that their hands and finger bones had fused together. After this I took a post as a radio operator so I didn't have to go back out or speak to anyone face to face.
The whole episode is what has made me doubt humanity.
Since leaving the army I tried to take a few jobs but struggled to hold any down. I met my wife through my little brother who was best friends with her son. Now our son. He has Cystic Fibrosis and Diabetes Type 1. Due to this my wife has been severley depressed since he was born. She suffers with SA and has axiety and panic attacks. After our daughter was born I left work to become a home carer for my wife. Which threw up a host of new problems like living in each others pockets. She noticed how I was behaving with my need to control things with my compulsions and suggested I seek help. I was to scared to face up to things before then. I was diagnosed OCD 18 weeks ago and last week during a therapy session I learned I was prone to thoughts of Exestential Nihilism.:
: I googled it and that is what brought me here.
