Offending others and being judged

[findingbeauty]

So, someone on Facebook posted a question yesterday on how to get an incessant talker to shut up without being rude. I replied, a little concerned in the back of my mind that a family member/relative of mine who knows I have trouble with the amount of talking they do, may or may not see my reply, and I thought "oh, well, if they do, maybe it won't be so bad if they understand how I feel. I stayed with this person for 10 days at the end of last month when visiting out-of-state family. I made gentle whiny complaints a couple times, that I couldn't listen anymore or my ear would fall off, when I felt trapped and was talked at for hours (literally).

I wrote: The only solution I have is to limit my time with them. If stuck, either tune out half of it, or butt in and talk (if you're not talking they will be). Funny thing is how *we* worry about being rude...isn't it rude to incessantly talk someone's ear off? I find it very taxing. Even if I love the person to pieces!

The next day I saw something she posted on her own wall: So happy to be me. Someone who is lively, excited and talkative with lots of interests and friends. Not someone who is isolated, lonely and completely self-serving. Thats a very sad lonely life. So thankful God made me who I am.

I obviously have thoughts and feelings about this, but before I say more, I'd like to hear your unbiased opinion. What do you think/feel about this scenario? I am open to correction to if you think I did something wrong. And how do you think I should/shouldn't respond to the situation?

 

[Nanita]

I don´t think you did anything bad/wrong. People who talk way too much, usually have no sense of other peoples boundaries. They make me feel trapped like you said, and I feel that they are stepping over my natural limits. If they can´t handle anybody expressing their opinion, they shouldn´t talk our ears off.
I don´t think it´s necessary to make any further responds? I sometimes have the urge to respond to things like that, but after I respond, I just feel that it creates too much drama and doesn´t bring any more understanding or harmony.

 

[Opaline]

Their post doesn't mean much, I think people that are actually content with who they are don't need to broadcast it. They're either trying to convince everyone else or themselves, or maybe both. In fact someone talking about how great or superior they are with a total lack of irony indicates a major lack of self-awareness, in my opinion. I see it too much on the internet, it's so transparent.

Oh goodness, yes. There was one person in particular online who was always talking about how wonderful she was. And she revealed that she was not the most confident person herself - she had body image issues among other things I learned about her from her friend.

I have some of those issues myself, but I'm not trying to convince others I have it all together and I certainly don't think I'm superior than everyone else I come into contact with.

What was that quote by George Carlin - that those who talk the most about how little they care, care the most?

Also, if you are constantly criticizing others and then building yourself up and talking about how much better you are than this person and that person - it's not much of a leap for someone to conclude that you have some serious issues with yourself.

To the OP - she sounds rather pathetic and obnoxious. Talking about how wonderful you are and all your wonderful traits is incredibly narcissistic. And narcissists often suffer from low self-esteem, so it's probably just an act.

 

[surewhynot]

You should probably just try to forget it. I mean, her post was very rude and narcissist, and if you retaliate you'll just end up taking the bait. I know from experience, taking the high road and ignoring such comments is always the best answer.

Also I don't see anything wrong with what you said. You actually made an excellent point, and you said it in a very gentle way.

Good luck

 

[findingbeauty]

Hey, thanks for the quick replies!

So, it sounds like no one sees fault in my post. I did wonder if I opened the door for this by broadcasting my opinion on a sensitive topic (for those that do talk a lot). I do feel good when I speak my mind though (on issues and behaviors though I do not ever try and condemn a person), I feel like it helps me define who I am and gets me out of the timid closet I've lived in much of my life.

Here's the problem with her reply though. I do care about this person (though I do know that she is very judgmental and likes to run everyone down), she is one of the few family members who have welcomed me home (out-of-state) and offered me a place to stay. Her statement about being isolated, lonely and self-serving is directed toward me! I feel that while I made a complaint about a behavior she went and judged my character and LIFE. I either need to address this with her directly, indirectly let her know how I feel, or write her off and likely never return to see relatives. This is too big of an offense to me to continue to be close to her without it somehow being addressed.

There is a lot of meanness in my family, but since that is the only family I have, I'm trying to make it work. I like being "isolated" to some extent, but I do want to have connections in my life. Boy, this really makes me feel like I need to create a whole new world of friends and "family"...if only it were that easy!

If you wanted to keep the relationship, how would you approach it?

 

[MollyBeGood]

As much as I don't want to seem like I am standing up for her, maybe your comment about your ear falling off and the tone might have really hurt her? I am trying to think of it if it were a situation I was in and I didn't talk at all and someone said something like "What? Are you a mute??" I would be hurt and want to stand up for myself somehow.
I don't want to defend her actions on FB but it could be possible you hurt her feelings? Maybe she likes you and was just excited and that's why she couldn't limit herself verbally?

But, you says she's judgmental and runs everyone down-doesn't seem worth the effort to try to repair something with her tbh with that description.

You don't choose your family...Mine is the same.

 

[findingbeauty]

I don't think I said it in a rude way. I put my head on her shoulder and said it in a whimpery kid kind of way. The next day when we were walking, she said that if she's talking too much just to tell her "shut up" (honestly, if I asked her to stop talking, she would go nuts and it would be VERY awkward). I told her I'm just used to pauses and breaks in conversation and am used to people pausing to let the other person speak. I said it's probably just a mid-west thing that you have to really jump in to speak (making an excuse so she didn't feel it was personal). I also told her that I enjoy silence, too, and taking in the scenery and just enjoying being together. Anyway, it was a civil conversation and there was laughter, too. She never did take hint though, so I had to just tune her out a lot to keep my sanity and interrupt her to change subjects. She got mad once when I asked her something that made it apparent I hadn't been giving her my undivided attention. Toward the end of the 10-day stay, you could probably see some drain and frustration on my face, too, when she'd begin her rants and stories. I think she's just taken a general offense to the fact that I don't have a positive experience with that part of her behavior and when she read my open opinion about it online, it went right to the heart for her.

My complaint is that she talks WAY too much and likes to judge and run others down. On the positive side (which has not come up because it is not the point of my post) she is family, she took initiative to reach out to me in another state when other relatives had not, we're the same age, she is funny, tells great stories, she's active and dynamic, involved in many lines of work, is smart and witty. And I have told her many of these things that I admire about her.

She is type A and high energy though and I am more introverted, reflective, and mellow. I can be social, funny, and lively, but only in doses.

I don't want to kiss her @*s after she's run me down, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to just ignore it. I suppose I could be friendly and corgial (sp?) if I see her in the future, but couldn't stay with her or call her to chat like we used to if this isn't confronted and addressed. Ugh..

 

[OceanMist]

To break this down, she asked for an opinion on herself with an indirect question that was targeted at her personality: outgoing. She wanted to know if she was annoying because she talks a lot.

Just the fact that she was asking this question in the first place means she is insecure because she feels like talks too much. Who knows, maybe she does talk too much. Idk cuz I really don't know her.

Anyway, her question was asking for a response that was going to be negative. There wasn't a real way to respond to her question without being rude if you ask me. She set up herself for disaster.

Looking back at it, you shouldn't have answered at all, but still, I don't really blame you for answering a question in the way you did, because all you did was answer a question in a manner that was somewhat reasonable.

The person who is a jerk here is the girl who posted the question and then decided to put not just you down, but all shy introverted people down in the process.

She basically said this, and no, these aren't her words, but this is what she was implying:

She was trying to say: "Shy people hardly have any friends and their lives suck because they don't have many friends or are friendless. They are all lonely and depressed."

Again, those weren't her exact words, but that was a blunt way of putting what she was trying to tell you.

She is obviously bothered by what you posted on her wall and felt the need to retaliate by trying to make you feel inferior about your life. What you said wasn't nearly as mean as what she said.

As someone stated before, the fact that she needed to tell the world that she hates shy people's lives means she must be having some problems herself with her own happiness or lack thereof.

 

[OceanMist]

I don't think I said it in a rude way. I put my head on her shoulder and said it in a whimpery kid kind of way. The next day when we were walking, she said that if she's talking too much just to tell her "shut up" (honestly, if I asked her to stop talking, she would go nuts and it would be VERY awkward). I told her I'm just used to pauses and breaks in conversation and am used to people pausing to let the other person speak. I said it's probably just a mid-west thing that you have to really jump in to speak (making an excuse so she didn't feel it was personal). I also told her that I enjoy silence, too, and taking in the scenery and just enjoying being together. Anyway, it was a civil conversation and there was laughter, too. She never did take hint though, so I had to just tune her out a lot to keep my sanity and interrupt her to change subjects. She got mad once when I asked her something that made it apparent I hadn't been giving her my undivided attention. Toward the end of the 10-day stay, you could probably see some drain and frustration on my face, too, when she'd begin her rants and stories. I think she's just taken a general offense to the fact that I don't have a positive experience with that part of her behavior and when she read my open opinion about it online, it went right to the heart for her.

My complaint is that she talks WAY too much and likes to judge and run others down. On the positive side (which has not come up because it is not the point of my post) she is family, she took initiative to reach out to me in another state when other relatives had not, we're the same age, she is funny, tells great stories, she's active and dynamic, involved in many lines of work, is smart and witty. And I have told her many of these things that I admire about her.

She is type A and high energy though and I am more introverted, reflective, and mellow. I can be social, funny, and lively, but only in doses.

I don't want to kiss her @*s after she's run me down, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to just ignore it. I suppose I could be friendly and corgial (sp?) if I see her in the future, but couldn't stay with her or call her to chat like we used to if this isn't confronted and addressed. Ugh..

Wow, after reading this you should just stop talking to her and maybe look for another friend.

You two are too different. Your personalities just don't go together. No friend should "drain" you and make you lose sanity. Just my opinion.

 

[findingbeauty]

Wow, I'm really having a lot of anxiety over this. I feel like my relationship with her is over and feel even more hopeless of having healthy family and friend relationships. Very discouraged and triggered.

 

[surewhynot]

Wow, I'm really having a lot of anxiety over this. I feel like my relationship with her is over and feel even more hopeless of having healthy family and friend relationships. Very discouraged and triggered.

Considering this new information, you should definitely go with your guts and engage her in a conversation. If you make it clear that you didn't mean to offend her, that you're just not as extroverted as her, she should be understanding and apologize. That way you can all move forward, which would be the best solution.

Family feuds happen, you just have to be able to forgive and forget. If she does not wish to apologize, then there's nothing left that you can do.. But she does seem to care about you.

Good luck.. ^^

 

[findingbeauty]

This morning (Friday) when I got to work I texted her (I could not call at work) and said that I was sorry if what I wrote offended her, it wasn't intended for her to read and was not directed at her. She wrote back a lengthy explosive response continuing to be nasty and degrading. I made one more attempt in order to try and clear up her misconceptions. She basically said that it's all about "you" and said I'm self-centered and then said "this conversation is over". Honestly, after putting myself out there after she already had begun to degrade me, I feel so much anger, I wish I could beat her head in (just venting - don't worry!!!). And I really want to tell her F U, Byotch. Part of me really wants to do the latter...maybe it would actually be healthy for those who've had a history of sucking it up and being nice all the time. In one way or another, I really do want to make my voice be known in this situation. She just took a big S*@t on me.

Feelings - angry, scared, sad, triggered, trauma, shame, humiliation

Physical - my body feels hot, I feel heat or adrenalin coursing the left side of my neck, my breath is shallow, I feel "frozen" - state of "freeze", my neck is tense and sore

Mental - I'm having flashbacks of being rejected, picked on, and betrayed from my past. I believe I've been betrayed, unjustly villainized, demoralized. It seems like I've been tricked/fooled.

 

[findingbeauty]

If anyone else is experiencing a similar circumstance and feelings right now, I really would like to work together with others to work through these issues and heal. Let me know if you want to support one another in this.

 

[findingbeauty]

Also, if anyone has any suggestions on how I can process the anger and betrayal, I'd like to hear. I'm considering removing her from my facebook for one, but not sure if I should do anything else first. Then of course I need to figure out how to process the majority of it in ways that don't involve her. Thanks.

 

[findingbeauty]

Ahh, I feel empowered now! This is what I decided to do... I wrote out my "voice" on the issue, posted it to my wall on facebook, and then defriended my relative. This is what I wrote:

Dear Friends,

Please listen up! We all have opinions/likes/dislikes, you all know I do - ! But there is a BIG difference in disapproving of specific issues and behaviors versus judging, hating on and demoralizing individuals themselves and running them down to others. If any of you are this way and I have just not discovered it yet, please remove me from your friend list if it’s not something you are trying to change. Ie. Judging people for not being as good as you, as outgoing as you, as smart as you, as “right” as you, etc, etc. or the converse of tearing down people who are better in some way. Everyone has a different experience coming into this world and we may not all feel comfortable working together in the same room, but we can respectfully remove ourselves rather than trying to be hurtful. Just because you do not feel or see things the same way as another person, does not make them bad or wrong, nor yourself for that matter. If someone is truly “bad” or wrong, meeting them with hostility is probably only going to make it worse and we have no idea where this person has come from or been through. I vote for more kindness and compassion in this world! I do not support the energy or behavior of nastiness and meanness. Let’s speak our voice, help others the best we can, and live our lives in a way that is true to our own values, rather than the expectations of others!

It doesn't solve the conflict and the loss, but it's helped me channel some of this energy! Thanks for reading!

 

[Lea]

The next day I saw something she posted on her own wall: So happy to be me. Someone who is lively, excited and talkative with lots of interests and friends. Not someone who is isolated, lonely and completely self-serving. Thats a very sad lonely life. So thankful God made me who I am.

How could she have said this, what a bitch. So terribly stupid and narcissistic. It might have been a revenge on what you said, but still even so.

I have some friends whom when I meet, I know I can expect an incessant monologue on their part. So I learned not to expect them to listen to me, instead when I know I´m going to meet them, I switch into the listening mode and hope to survive it somehow. Not everyone who talks too much is nasty though, some people are nice but they´re just like that. I sometimes talk a lot myself, but I think I am considerate enough to let others speak too and make an effort to listen to what they´re saying. I think it´s best when in conversation both parties are equal on their share of talking and listening, and consequently nobody gets annoyed or bored.

 

[Raichel]

Ahh, I feel empowered now! This is what I decided to do... I wrote out my "voice" on the issue, posted it to my wall on facebook, and then defriended my relative. This is what I wrote:

Dear Friends,

Please listen up! We all have opinions/likes/dislikes, you all know I do - ! But there is a BIG difference in disapproving of specific issues and behaviors versus judging, hating on and demoralizing individuals themselves and running them down to others. If any of you are this way and I have just not discovered it yet, please remove me from your friend list if it’s not something you are trying to change. Ie. Judging people for not being as good as you, as outgoing as you, as smart as you, as “right” as you, etc, etc. or the converse of tearing down people who are better in some way. Everyone has a different experience coming into this world and we may not all feel comfortable working together in the same room, but we can respectfully remove ourselves rather than trying to be hurtful. Just because you do not feel or see things the same way as another person, does not make them bad or wrong, nor yourself for that matter. If someone is truly “bad” or wrong, meeting them with hostility is probably only going to make it worse and we have no idea where this person has come from or been through. I vote for more kindness and compassion in this world! I do not support the energy or behavior of nastiness and meanness. Let’s speak our voice, help others the best we can, and live our lives in a way that is true to our own values, rather than the expectations of others!

It doesn't solve the conflict and the loss, but it's helped me channel some of this energy! Thanks for reading!

I'm sorry, I don't feel I can give you advice on the situation you're in, I've never really experienced something similar and I don't know the person in question. However, I think you did the right thing by voicing your opinion on the matter in a mature and constructive way. If I were your friend I would have apologized and forgiven you, especially after reading the last bit of your post. Maybe in the future she will come to her senses and she can respect people for who they are? Maybe then you can be friends again? I don't know, but you did the best you could do. I wish I was able to voice my opinions in such a clear and respecting way as you just did.

 

[mikebird]

I can relate to an exercise while I was in hospital rehab recovering from my epileptic seizure last year.

Phone practice in a room. Therapy. I can't knock it. I had to spend far to long on 4 different type of brain therapy before allowed to go home. Fair. I could have benefitted from much more challenge

I was told to phone my therapist's secretary. I called and said are you xxx's PA? She said "wow! I suppose so!? I asked what it's like working for here? I'm in a session with her now. She burbled on saying it's really special and I love what I'm doing for ages...

My objective was to cut off the person talking, in a pleasant manner. The therapist was listening to us, and made the finger-across-the-throat gesture to shut her up. OK. Simple. But a good exercise for someone regaining my real-world ability, after seizure shock...

I like all your comments. There is balance in anything. Overtalking is just not a crime. Are there people in the world who see everything as B&W... too much or too little? Maybe bipolar? It's important to vent emotion - fear, or being quiet

 

[OceanMist]

Wow, I'm really having a lot of anxiety over this. I feel like my relationship with her is over and feel even more hopeless of having healthy family and friend relationships. Very discouraged and triggered.

See that's the problem with that girl. Friends shouldn't make you anxious and discouraged. I would know this because my former "friends," many of them were not much of friends. They would leave me feeling like a loser. They actually were making me feel worse about myself for a while.....

Our peers have a giant influence on us. When our friends can't be trusted or can't be gotten along with, it can be impossible to avoid becoming similar to them in certain ways.

Who we surround ourself with has a big impact on how we feel and in turn, act.

 

[BlueDays]

Dear Friends,

Please listen up! We all have opinions/likes/dislikes, you all know I do - ! But there is a BIG difference in disapproving of specific issues and behaviors versus judging, hating on and demoralizing individuals themselves and running them down to others. If any of you are this way and I have just not discovered it yet, please remove me from your friend list if it’s not something you are trying to change. Ie. Judging people for not being as good as you, as outgoing as you, as smart as you, as “right” as you, etc, etc. or the converse of tearing down people who are better in some way. Everyone has a different experience coming into this world and we may not all feel comfortable working together in the same room, but we can respectfully remove ourselves rather than trying to be hurtful. Just because you do not feel or see things the same way as another person, does not make them bad or wrong, nor yourself for that matter. If someone is truly “bad” or wrong, meeting them with hostility is probably only going to make it worse and we have no idea where this person has come from or been through. I vote for more kindness and compassion in this world! I do not support the energy or behavior of nastiness and meanness. Let’s speak our voice, help others the best we can, and live our lives in a way that is true to our own values, rather than the expectations of others!

^Love this!
I admire how clearly you can express yourself.