Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

I really cant fathom, cannot take in, just how much a person can go downhill mentally fast like rugs has. And i know ive always talked over about him on here like 90 percent of the times ive written in here and the thing was i really didn't understand schizophrenia and drug addiction and how those two things in a person can truly make it impossible to get any real friendship to flow. I know I shouldnt talk about another person' personal life but it can get too much even as an outsider that i just need to vent.

Ive given so much of me to him, my constant thoughts, emotions, time, and effort, among the simplest of things. Sure, he is a friend and can be there somewhat, but its clouded now so so severely.

You find that your kicking yourself for years with passive aggressiveness and wasting time even thinking about that person. Just because a person is in your life and you have social phobia and are lonely, doesn't mean you should keep that person in your life if they are toxic and cannot give basic friendship needs back.

So ive scaled over years now, my friendship with rugs has been quite limited, and thats how it is. How it needs to be. I still talk with him nearly everyday on messenger, even if he cannot do conversation much and im just babbling on, at least i get some social in lol.

But seriously, I just really cannot even, like its a shock how much he has declined.

What I mean by decline is this,

So he is dependent on crystal meth.
(now drugs i have never done, and is far away from who i am but i have a heart to those who fall victim to it for what ever reason or truama).

He is dependent in a quite severe way because he cant function without it now at all. Him and his tight close sister that is. They are both very unwell.

They use all of the disability pensions together in order to pay for their habits, which is about $1000 a week and expect their mum to pay for thier living expenses like their cigarettes, food, etc.

Rugs and his sister had a slight crash and crashed their car because he was driving whilst on a drug crash, meaning he was so tired and didnt giveway on a road, but was driving to go get his drugs. It was a country back road with a fwd.

So his car ends up being fixed at the wreckers and his mum fits the bill of $800. But she ends up not being able to pay it yet because she finds out that rugs and his sister had been stealing most of her savings, about $8000. The savings she uses to live on and pay for rent and bills and constantly giving those two money and paying everything for them, always going out her way for them thinking sh can make them better in the mind by doing so.

She was devasted. She only works 1 day a week and in her mid 60s.

So they both steal most of her savings, but yet still expect her to pay for thier cigarettes or even ask for money so they can go out opp shopping or what ever. And the mother still has to pay for the car bill.

So the sister is getting her superannuation out so she can give money back to the mum, shes got $6000 and reckons $3000 is good enough amount to give back to the mum even though they stole $8000.

Did i mention they borrow her car all the time too? They use alot of petrol to go into another town and get their drugs. They take drug dealers in the car and deal in there and even drive under the influence as well as driving whilst in drug crash mode half asleep. This is the mothers car.

At the same time as doing all over that, they say nasty things about thier mum because she harbors passive aggressiveness towards them. The sister goes on facebook and writes crazy things about wanting to kill herself and weird paranoia stuff on there that doesnt make sense. Shes full of delusions and psychotic states.

She was in a mental hospital start of this year. Her and Rugs the past 2 years been admitted a few times. All because of drug-induced psychosis.

Rugs seem to quell his paranoia by indulging in it on social media. He has delusions about Instagram and facebook being just what he does on a mobile phone and that its not real what he does in real life but in reality, he is sitting and taking selfies of himself all day and night obsessively in a drug-induced delusional grandeur and being passive aggressive on there thinking that people will get jealous of him and his face. He has about 60 Instagram accounts or more and alot of them have 1000 - 3000 posts in them. Then there's the Instagram posts where he takes photos of his penis and videos of himself in the shower says crude things and even uploads pornography on there. In all of them, he basically has absolutely no normal inhibitions, he just says whatever he is thinking or doing with no regard to privacy or boundaries and even mentions people in his life on occasion in his posts. He also makes videos of himself smoking meth in his bedroom and in the car. If his mum saw all these she would prob die of a heart attack, so I often will know they r on there and report them to Instagram.

Ever since 2020, Rugs got his superannuation out and spent $20,000 in under 3 months on a lot of methamphetamines for him and his sister. I was traumatized by his psychosis - I had to help in in time of complete agitation and him not knowing what was real and what wasnt. It wasnt the first time, but it completely freaks you out. It gave me panic attacks. At that time too, I was volounteering and he enetered the shop because he used to work there too, he came to see me but was in full psychosis thinking he was an fbi person or something. It was socially embarressing because people where coming up to me asking if he was alright and i had to try to get him to go home and contact his mum. At that time, I didnt even know he was back on drugs, but he was in a big way. I had to tell everyone at work then, that the stress of his dads anniversary of his death made him become pyschotic. But then later on when he was better, he went in and told everyone he was sober now from the drugs. Which then made me feel self concious around the workers thinking they think im on drugs or something. He doesnt realise that he will never be allowed to work there again. Theres been so many times of truama for me when hes been in psychosis that many times. And how ive had to deal with it. Lucky its never been at me or directly with me, always been about other things and ive been the one to calm him and him trust me. But its been really really upsetting over the years to deal with that whilst unwell yourself. I wish he knew that. But he cant even much at all anymore.

Ever since then, he wear all black. Black jeans and shirt and sunglasses. He thinks he has to look a threat so people wont mess with him. His hygiene, wearing those same jeans for months straight in freeball and with all his smoking on them. You can imagine. He even saved some money somehow sometime ago and instead of paying me back for a concert we went to, he went out and got a tattoo of the night stalker on his arm - which is a serial killer bloke that raped kids and murdered alot of people.

He seems to of pretty much damaged his brain from all the meth drug intake, plus damage from psychosis over the years and also the effect of the heavy amount of anti-psychotic he has via depo.

All of his executive functions seem to of really declined. Yet he has to take his meth in order to function now as his own dopamine production has gone out the door. Hes either super high mood of happiness and ego or hes completely physically trashed and sleeping for days and nights. Or hes so anxious an moody craving getting his drug.

He actually talked to his GP which i encouraged him to do. I told him his gp could give him aderal to ward off the meth and he took that as a motivation, even tho i was lying. But his gp came back and said that a little bit of meth is okay. Like even after he said he cant function without it anymore.

I just know that when he is high and all happy and what ever, thats when he is able to talk somehat and we can laugh a bit and interact a little usually on messenger. And i know that he can fall seriously ill in a physical way at any time because of his lifestyle.

He hardly eats anything and when he does, its a great big packet of potato chips and chocolate and lollies. So he must be malnutritioned.

Well, thats got all that out then in a big vent about rugs once more. Now i dont have to think about it.

 

[grapevine]

So it's nearly the end of March 2023.

Back in Feb (or maybe it was January?) my dad's came driving up our block of land (I live with my folks) and his new car he only had for about 6 months (a Suzuki Ignis) just burst into flames. My mum and I had to run 100 metres back and forth with buckets of water to try to put it out.
That car was the newest car my dad ever bought in his life and the dearest. Hes not one to have a car loan and things like that, he does it the old way- pay upfront. And he was able to do that $15,000. It was a secondhand car but new. And then, the engine just burst into flames, luckily when he was home and not in traffic!

So my dad being him, had no insurance, had a warranty that was just a month out- so it didnt count. And basically left with a heap of burnt car on our property and no car to drive in.

So that has meant for me:

I not only have to drive my mum around like usual (she cant drive), but also ive had to drive my dad around too.
My life now, has basically been driving those two around - dependent on me if ever they need to go out.
Which has left me utterly exhausted and more depressed and anxious.

This year I really wanted to concentrate on getting well with my social phobia and anxiety. I wanted to try to put myself first and slow down, recover with anxiety and then start to find my independence again by going out- finding a place to go socialize, etc.
But now, its just way too stressful for me to do that, because Im driving everyday taking mum and dad places and forgetting about myself.
Dad's got bowling and mums got her medical appointments and shopping and social life and Im the one going back and forth, plus I take my little dog with me, he always has to go out for a walk to do his job.

Its just endless. Imagine you get in your car to go somewhere and the next thing your parents are in there with you and everytime you go out, you have to include them and where ever they want to go.

Only a year ago when my car stopped working, i went an entire year without a car. I basically hardly went anywhere at all. If i did it was that i had to borrow dads car back then in order to take mum shopping and i thats when i would do my groceries. I had to save for the year because of my bad social phobia Im on a disability pension and so it took me that long to save up, an entire year and it did a bit of damage regarding my mental wellness but I did it and without a loan and got my lovely Suzuki Swift.

Now though, all my mileage is on taking my parents. Its never ending.
And its stressful because my dad is never one to plan or say anything, Ill plan where im taking mum with mum the night before and we will get into the car and the next minute my dads getting into the car and I have to deviate from our plans an take him and do his stuff which is usually way out of the way and im in between mum and dad's appointments and so on.

I dont blame my parents, its just bad circumstances and theres nothing like feeling sorry for them. Its a horrible feeling to have. Weve had a bit of bad luck. Its just that it takes its toll on me. And then my sister, and the rest of my family who liv in the city, seem to think i do nothing and get things done for me, which has never been the case. My mum has always been dependent on me- Ive always had to include her life into mine even when ive been independent. Shes deaf and has always relied on me but its not seen. But anyways.

Ive ended up with really bad anxiety when Im driving now and even when Im just walking in a carpark. I feel hyper-vigilent all the time and just dizzy and blurred. Im very jumpy and think people are going to drive into me all the time or something is going to happen an accident or something and just cant seem to rest and calm myself.

My dad a few times has made me drive to the hardware store and gone and bought large pieces of wood without asking and just loaded my nice car with it inside - making it hard to drive. Like he does things like that which are so unfair on me. All because the bowling club wanted him to make something even tho they know he doesnt have a car atm.

I feel like i basically have to give up, my independence, any social life, my car, my time.
I do a little bit of re-selling and everyday trying to go through my huge piles of unprocessed stock and I can never get to it because im always doing them and then im exausted and recovering from anxiety which leaves me utterly exausted and shallow breathing.

Id be okay if my dad could plan and if I could see a way out of this, but there is none.

Basically my dad put a huge amount of money into shares with a promising Lithium mine that is in a trading hault which seems like forever because of corruption and so are in and out of court cases over that and so dad cant get any of his money- its all locked in there.

Which means it might be a year or even more of me doing this. Driving him as well as mum. Its like a full time taxi. It just comes at a time when ive been so unwell with depression and anxiety and from years having to deal with my friend Rugs the schizophrenic drug addict whom today asked me desperately for money and I said no and he made me feel like a horrible person. It was just really nasty and Im faint hearted type that gets stuck being in codependencies and usually the person going out of my way and feeling for the other. But there was no way I was going to give him money knowing he cant pay it back and there had been a times in the past where it took years and years if he even did. So no.
But ive been left feeling like im this bad person and it hasnt been nice. Esp since im also so very lonely and really only have him as a friend that can sometimes be helpful to confide in out of my parents stuff.

But now im on my own again. But thats okay. I need a break. Its very very hard being a friend of someone who is a schizophrenic that doesnt help himself and is a drug addict.

So thats my life atm. I basically find the parts of my life that im not doing other people's things and try to build from there. To get my reselling sorted into a routine and to try to get my health in order and try to find some calm in the storm and look forward to getting my life back when I can.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on her in some time. Been really ill mental health wise. Anxiety gotten way out of control and depression. Dads car litterally went up in flames (he got out) and since then ive been the one driving my parents around (i usually drive my deaf mum) and its been exhausting and depressing.
Ive been giving up any of my time to take them everywhere from medical appointments to social things and i havent had any room for any of my own life and ive just been a wreck.
But now my dad has decided out of nowhere that he wants to sell our 5 acres of land we live on since the late 90s where all my pet chickens are and all the trees we planted are huge now, and is determined to move us out in 2 months because he wants to invest in silver bullion again. Hes all of a sudden without having any discussion has decided he likes this urban house that has no real backyard or garden that he wants us to move there. Its like out of all places, its like a really cruel thing for me and its like he doesnt even care. I do so much for them and dads just gone and decided this? Wants us to uproot all of a sudden?
The amount of servere anxiety attacks and terror ive had these past few days has been horrific. I cannot and havent been able to cope with dad pulling the rug from under us. I think hes on the spectrum because he just doesnt seem to care or be aware of others feelings on things- like he actually thought i would like that place when there is nothing there that is for me?

I am absolutely heartbroken and feeling suicidal with anxiety and depression at this point. My only option because its hard to speak to him is to write a list of my requirements in finding a place an also write what its like to have a anxiety disorder and how bad it can get. Had to have an emergency therapy session with a counselor which was $ and she told me not to go with the thoughts and imagery.

 

[lily]

So sorry to hear of your difficulties and that you're feeling anxiety and suicidal! I really hope you feel better soon. I think you're on the right track of what you said in the end that you will do. Take care!

 

[grapevine]

So sorry to hear of your difficulties and that you're feeling anxiety and suicidal! I really hope you feel better soon. I think you're on the right track of what you said in the end that you will do. Take care!

Im feeling the worst Ive ever felt in my life and feel like I need to find crisis help.

Ive lived on 5.5 acres of land with a nice veiw of the valley just out of town for 26 years of my life and Im now 40. In that time ive had boughts of agoraphobia and of course GAD and very bad social phobia.

My outlets have always been being out on the block of land my safe place with fresh air and my chickens and also recently feeding the cockatoos. All my familiarities in nature is what grounds me and support me to deal with my GAD and Social Phobia.

I live with my parents because my mental health has been so extreme all my adult life and Ive never gotten support or understanding by them. Just sort of lived around it.

My dad is dominant and a bit on the spectrum. He'll be quiet and then all of a sudden have these ultimatums that i have to go do with him, like drop what ever im doing so to speak. Ive always been a bit scared of him.

This time tho, he never said anything about anything and then brings a real estate person over to value the place and announces to him that we are selling and downsizing in a few months.

First I heard of it.

Then he tells me and mum that we have a medium budget to find a house within 2 months- he wants to hurry this so he can invest other money from the sale into some shares.

So my whole entire stability, the beauty of this place I live at is like a dream broken, its a nightmare and I am not coping at all.

All these houses we look at have no backyard just a tiny courtyard and fences for a view. I am not used to that at all and cannot cope with moving to that. My parents i get no understanding or support for my mental health.
I have severe fear in me and have not been coping at all and feel suicidal over it. I am absolutely terrified and depressed and everything around me is making it worse to cope.

Striking absolute anxiety attacks of terror and severe depression that I cannot function.

I will have to give up everything I know and my whole stability. My chickens, the wild birds i feed, gardening, being in nature etc. Those things are all me.

I was so rocked the other day by my dad wanting to view a house and I said that if I cant go I cant go and I meant that from a mental health perspective because I am riddled with dread and fear and severe anxiety that I cannot function. I got yelled at and told I had to come because otherwise theyll get something I wont like.

Um all of them I dont like because its nothing like here.

But that one I feel like my father has lost his mind.
Why would you want to live so close into town like that in a house that looked like a squat house and cold and so on. Like you would at least move into something not like that. It made me absolutely have even more distrust in my dad.

The fact that I have to give up my home and the environment I live in to downsize to a house with neighbors and so on and no backyard is extremely hard for me, like its caused me to be severely ill mentally. Cant eat, sleep, in constant fear anxiety, depression, grief,

I am not coping and my parents dont seem to even care. I dont know how they can just go and do this and think Ill be okay with it because im not at all. Im just left to scramble and decline rapidly in my mental health. Its the worst Ive ever been.

Whilst my parents are trying to get rid of things and fix things up in the house, it strikes absolute terror in me and wave of shocks and depression. Well never get back this place once its gone and I cannot see myself coping in an urban environment.

Its like there no compromise. I mean my dad plays lawn bowls, its like me saying we are moving away to where there is no lawn bowls so you cant play. And making him have to deal with it.

I get yelled at by my mum if I try to tell her how im feeling and how extreme my mental health is atm. Shes partly deaf with a cochlea and cant understand things much and gets impatient even if I have to try and explain things in the most simplest and short terms. Shel get angry with me and doesnt want to know. Thinks I am problematic etc.

I was doing not so good before this and now I am really really really unwell, my anxiety and depression is extreme and Im grasping for help and dont know where to turn.

I cant fathom leaving this place. Its like my security and my life and they just seem okay and happy to not care about me, I do so much for them. Dad having to all of a sudden say we got two months to move and look for a place- out of nowhere. There was no family discussion, there was no warning, he just decided to.

So what am I supposed to? How am I supposed to cope with this and prob get yelled at if I cant function. Im left to do all this work that is invovled in moving plus drive my parents everywhere (because dads car caught fire in feb). Why cant I get some understanding and sympathy and help from them? Because the only place I can get a little bit is if I spnd $70 at a counselor or get Rugs my friend who is a drug addict and schizophrenic and has been helping me but cant be sympathetic so much.

I feel so stressed, so terrified, so anxious and so so upset and depressed that I cant eat and hardly sleep and when I do have some sort of period (usually after a long anxiety attack) where Im somewhat functional - I then have a jolt of fear in me and all the emotions all over again and at the same time Im having to do all these things for my parents, like computer stuff and driving them and admin type of stuff and then eventually all the moving stuff when I just cannot even function and feel sucidal and awith anxiety attacks.

What am I supposed to do? I just need to get some kind of kind words of comfort because im not getting it anywhere. You know right now I got asked to go see my dad and they were taking my car to go to various places and dad is like keep an eye on that fire outside I lit whilst im out and also have to take photos of these old cars that dont work on our property to get rid of them and so all the paperwork. Im expected to function when I cant and expected to just deal with loosing my home and going along with thier wishes, giving up who I am in order to please them.

Two months is a short period of time to find a house. Its completely unreasonable. And he had no warning beforehand of selling this place.
I have to step up and try to look for a place for us to buy online but there is nothing for my needs at all and it all strikes me down into anxiety attacks and depression and so on. Its just all completely horrific. All this pressure, you feel like a homeless person trying to find stability.

What happens if we move and you know i have to step up and find something modern before dad finds something so horrible that I cant stand. If at least inside is okay then I can just have my stuff in my new room and just sleep off the depression and anxiety for a long time. Have my famalirities except my outdoors and coping with neighbors and urban stuff and no space outside for animals garden or even feeding the birds. It will just be me and my dog and my bedroom and depression and grieving trying to somehow cope idk.

I dont get how I can be this unwell and still have demands put on me and have no sympathy or compromise and basically kill who i am and not even realise that.

It hurts so much like a stab with a sword in the guts. And then I have to be the one with a anxiety disorder person when people come over in future, when they dont realise what my parents are like and how they contribute to me being like this all my life. I am not coping.

 

[grapevine]

Ive been thru 3 months of constant distress. Having to have to make the move of downsizing from 5 acres to an urban house is huge for me. Ive been living on acres for 26 years.

Everyday of these few months has been damaging to my mental health mainly because I have no one to confide in and reassurance and emotional help basically.

My dad has always been emotionally abusive non-intentionally. Hes a bit like the father on the Wonder Years dad on tv I guess, scarey and doesnt say much. But when he does its an ultimatum.

My mum is mostly deaf, born that way and i am always helping her. But she makes out she understands what anyone has said to her but actually doesn't at all. She has cognitive issues with dealing with stress and anxiety on top of her hearing stress and if i talk to her during those times like with anything, she gets irritable and aggressive and it becomes a huge effort to even bother because she doesn't want to listen. Not even a few sentences. You have to get her at the right time to talk to her. Its very frustrating. Shes got a cochlea implant on one ear and a hearing aid on the other. My parents are in their early 70s and still dominating my life.

Everything in my life atm is being taken away. I have no independence. Imagine your own car you saved a year for and then having to use that car for your parents all of the time. Getting burnt out driving them everywhere because their car literally caught fire and weren't insured. All of my mliage has pretty much been taking mum and dad everywhere for everything. And when my dad said 3 months ago out of the blue that he wanted us to look for a house to live in to move within 2 months (weve been here for 26 years) and I was in the middle of my ebay business at the time, the chaotic distress ensued.

I wont write much about those traumas the last few months as they have been the worst in my life so far tbh and Ive been thru things in my past I never thought would be worse.

But getting back to my car, at some point ive had to throw up my hands as already burnt out as I have been and now completely unfunctional but functioning with distress severe depression alot of pressure and stress..

Ive just had to let dad use my car now which is what i didnt want. The last thing of mine - my independence. And by doing that, my car has become the family car. I think whats the point with my depression ive given up on things.

Dads gone to the hardware shop many times and loaded my precious Suzuki swift with blanks of wood and pipes and so on. Everywhere they go is from my car my parents pretty much and I pay the petrol and hardly go anywhere except grocery shopping. I get Rugs my friend telling me off complaining that he cant have a relationship with me because Im always doing family things and gets angry at me.
I am always driving my parents, sitting in the car wating for them to pick them up all of that all of the time.

On top of that I get yelled at by my dad who says I have to pay half in removal fees now because of all my ebay shop of my tubs. Us doing this huge move was not something he planned responsibly, he didnt give mum and I notice, he thought on the fly it was the time to sell and made us scramble basically.

Ive got pets to get rid of all of a sudden in a few days which is heartbreaking for me on top of everything else. Weve got people coming to look at the house in two days as an inspection. Having to live in your house like you dont live in your house is hard. You have to have it basically empty.

All the emotions and trauma over these 3 months I feel like absolutely nothing. This is the worst year ever and I started it with Shingles and Covid.

And to top off atm, I thought once we move to this new place dad should get a car. But no, he announced at the table with family that he has put a deposit down for an electric bike so he can ride it to his bowls and back. Like he is early 70s yr old when was the last time he was even on a bike and the dangers of a lithium battery bike .. So that means that my car will still be the family car and I still wont be able to have my independence and respect.

Dad even said to the other week that we might as well get rid of my car and trade that in so that we can get a discount on an electric car. And of course when i kicked up about that he basically was nasty to me and said I cant have everything and that he shouldnt even be including me looking for a new house.

He has blurred the lines of what is mine and what isnt. Everytime I need to go out, say I have a doctors appointment or something like that- just as Im about to leave dad will jump on board and take over and say he needs to go here and there and so on, and pretty much ruin my plans and mums if she is with me. Depsite asking him the night before if he needed to go anywhere.

A whole year of not going out and saving for my car resulting in me getting my car and having to use it all for my parents and not be able to have a life of my own. Its almost as if Im not allowed to have a life.

I hate it when I see my cousins and family and my parents are interested in what they are doing with their lives and Im like the elephant in the room. But they dont realise that everytime I try to be independent I dont have the support from my family and in fact I have the opposite. I get stepped on and have to put myself last. Its like having social phobia and anxiety and depression your family thinks thats just who you are and take advantage of you.

Idk, I just want to be able to relax out of all this pressure of downsizing and moving and for dad to get a car because its not fair.

These last few months Ive had an incident where because I wasnt on board straight away with the moving thing after I was told and not carrying all my boxes of ebay books outside even though nobody told me to, I got thrown a sharp piece of wood at my face in the carport because I said I wasnt feeling well and was taking my time and felt sucidal. Which i did as it was a shock and dad just does that.

Then I was forced to look at places completely unsuitable for us. When you have anxiety and social phobia and your parents even as a adult force you to things your not feeling up to.

The only friend I have who can sometimes be supportive and helpful with a listening ear, when he is on his drugs and talk a million miles an hour. But most of the time will be rude, inappropriate, delusional, aggressive, pyschotic and then basically you dont hear from him for half the week as he sleeps off his meth high.

Its very stressful to have one friend you know is toxic but are needy for a friend who knows you. You go on social media and there he is saying he is the master of the universe and obsessed with serial killers and making videos dancind with a white mask on with a big knife in hand. Or getting so irrationally aggressive that he goes up the road to the gated community who live behind him and try to aggressively use the security intercom to open the gates. Hes been in hospital 7 times and its always in the back of your head that he might do something aggressive.

You cant just get rid of a friend whos a paranoid schizophrenic methamphetamine addict. They cant tolerate assertiveness from people so you just have to be passive all of the time and it eats away at you.