OCD....obviously since I'm "here"

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tvang

Member
Hi.

I've been an OCD sufferer since 15/16 (the cleaning OCD). I logged on to this site to see if there are others out there just like me. I don't use medication. Been to thereapy, one on one, and group therapy. I haven't met anyone like me yet and would appreciate it if anyone here might own up to it. Even in group therapy with a large number of participants I was the only one with "cleaning issues".

Let me elaborate on the cleaning issues a little further as most people think it's about germs. It may be about germs for some but not all, in other words: not me (well, not entirely).

I have to keep things clean but not due to fear of germs. I have to clean things due to a "feeling" inside of me that something isn't clean. Visibly an object can be clean but if I feel that it isn't I get anxiety. Let me illustrate.

My friend wants to give me a book but it drops on the ground just before I recieve it. She picks it up and wipes it. All visible dirt is off it. However, even though I take it off her I feel an urge to clean it when I get home. It's not fear of germs killing me, but in my head it is now unclean. I place it away from all my other belongings, sort of like quarantine, and I can't read it. The feeling of it being unclean and in my house gets so "big" that I end up throwing it away. (Yes, I throw away new book, and other things I can't wash with soap and water)

Anyone else knows how that is? Feedback appreciated.
 
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mr.germs

Member
I know exactly what you are talking about. I backtrack things a lot and by that I mean if someone early in the morning didn't wash their hands good enough or at all, 12 hours later, I still feel the need to clean something that they would have touched because it has been deemed "unclean". I've washed so many things with soap and water too and have actually thrown things out that I couldn't wash. The worst was a wallet that I dropped on a bathroom floor. I cleaned all the cards, but unfortunately, I threw away the wallet with 10 dollars in it. I'm not afraid of getting sick either, but I feel sick to my stomach if I don't wash. I've also gone to cognitive behavioral therapy, but that didn't seem to help at all. I recently told my doctor that I have been feeling anxious and he prescribed me the smallest dose of fluvoxamine, which is strictly for ocd/anxious thoughts, and it has helped me a lot. I still get anxious, but a lot of things have been easier to let go. I also feel like no one else has this type of ocd, but so many people do. It's nice to talk to someone with the same symptoms, but it's also a curse because you and I know how difficult it can be to deal with it.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope with your ocd?

Good luck!
 
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tvang

Member
Thank you for a warm welcome all.

As for how I cope mr.germs? I don't know. I have good periods, some real good periods, bad periods and some really bad periods. The therapy helped a bit. I had to do the things I found difficult and see how high my anxiety levels got. The more I did things I was avoiding the quicker I'd get better.

Right now I'm really depressed.
 
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tvang

Member
You are not the only one washing cards. I wash the money too. Not the coins but the actual notes. I did come to think of one thing. A holiday can sometimes stress me down but sometimes going on holidays is bad in itself as I hate using hotels and staying with people I am not sure of. bthat I mean their cleaning rituals.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
Welcome to the forum, tvang!

You would make the perfect roommate for me.

You could keep the house spic n' span,

And I would eat all the food that fell on the floor.
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
Hi and welcome, Tvang!

lol Coyote!!! (I was wondering if you had OCD too?? Seems not likely? :D)

Tvang, for me it's mostly about the germs/parasites/iffy stuff or chemicals. It only started about a year or two ago, when I started thinking more about these things... But I don't know if I have full OCD, just some OCD-ish periods... Usually it's worse when under stress or when around yucky things or iffy chemicals or such too.. I do put some things into 'quarantine' though too.. (like if it was in contact with neighbours' doggie or other animals or chemicals..) I had periods of having to re-check the door at times before that... Is it possible that these things switch? Probably.. Do you know anyone who switched from doors to contamination and such too? And how did it go for them? - I've never used meds either. Found some CBT stuff on other ocd forums helpful..

About the book - how about giving/donating/selling it to someone? I feel really bad about throwing good things away.. If you're like me you probably don't want to 'infect/toxicize' other people either, but still, it's a good book or wallet-?? You could give it to a homeless person maybe? (Some people dumpster dive and still stay healthy? Maybe that floor was washed too..?)
I think washing the banknotes can destroy them quicker. Can you just wash hands after handling money?

I wish I had the wash-everything OCD sometimes, usually I just don't want to touch it if it's dirty or just had to wash my hands.. (And could stop that too when they got red..) Sometimes it's enough to just rinse hands with water and dry with towel - it's not logical, yeah.. In fact, I have a problem with cleaning, lol.. Don't see the need to clean if it's clean, and if it's not, well...?? (afraid of chemicals OR germs!)

In fact, I was afraid to wash the dishes in order to not infect anyone in my family. So I did the CBT suggestion from the other forum, 'Yeah, we're all gonna die. Kill'em all.' /Tongue in cheek, so you can see how ludicrous these thoughts are, at least mine./ My family would prefer to have the dishes done than to be alive anyway. I know it sounds ludicrous, but it helped me do the dishes lol. Is that how you did the CBT too?

Have you tried omega3 or tweaking nutrition or such? (I find tuna can help with thoughts, lol.)
 
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tvang

Member
Coyote...I doubt you and me would be good room mates. I'd probably kill you if you tried to lick the plates at my place....lol.

As for feathers....I know a few people that have switched from cleaning to checking doors and I switched to cleaning from something else (a weird ritual where if I touched something with my left palm, then I had to touch it with my right palm and the back of both my hands).

I don't eat processed food/junk all too often (I had a pepsi when I was 17 and the next one when I was 23) I try to eat fish/white meat and fresh food. Nothing has helped.

You also hit the nail on the head regarding contaminating other people. It's just that I don't think it will kill them or that they get infected with germs, just "unclean". Which means that if and when I become normal I won't be able to keep in contact with my loved ones as they'll be unclean forever (I know it sounds weird as if I get normal then I wouldn't care whom I infeceted..but then again OCD is not "logic").

Has anyone here had a relationship or knows someone with ocd that has had/has a normal relationship with a normal person? Or does it always fall apart when people get too close to you?
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
Thanks for the info!

Yeah, I know a girl who has had a big checking doors problem (she called to the dorm for example, for her roommates to check if she locked the door, twice at a time) and she's been in a loving long-term relationship for ages. (She just had a really stressful life, with her family etc.)

I really don't know that many people with OCD, except on forums here and elsewhere.

I do wonder if some forms of OCD are more difficult, like cleaning/contamination stuff and such. It probably depends who you live with though. If they are okay with your requirements or if they purposely or inadvertantly (sp?) mess things up and do the opposite. My family drive me crazy sometimes, I didn't know these things before so I didn't care, now I have 'home office' downstairs I see how they put things on 'unclean' areas (eg a dish on the floor, or glass jars or lids on a shelf where garden chemicals have been) and it drives me crazy!!

Maybe I don't even have OCD and my family are just that unhygienic??
I don't know what Dad does with some of the worse chemicals and am afraid to find out!! (No wonder I'm all for eco gardening and such..!!)

Maybe a friend has had a bit of OCD too, she likes to clean a lot. She's had relationships and has been married for a while, is divorced now and says she likes it better that way (?)

If you find someone who likes to clean a lot, I think it could work.
I'd have to find someone who's into natural/eco things and doesn't get too freaked out by not cleaning and doesn't make too much mess or noise either, and is willing to do some of the cleaning, ideally 50:50 (or hire a cleaning lady) but it must be done in a right way. Messed up, I know. lol

I think you just need to find someone who accepts you for who you are. On the other forums, there are men who sleep with a knife by the bed because they have 'Pure O' (obsessive thoughts) that they might kill their wife. One wrote his wife of many years actually encourages him and asks stuff like 'How will you kill me today?' in the morning. I think cleaning is way more 'normal' than that lol.

Tuna has helped me. What kind of fish did you eat? (Some have omega3, some not.) I don't like white meat. Not sure you get much zinc or magnesium with that, hm. Have you ever tracked nutrition on fitday.com or Cronometer? I would be interested if you had any deficiencies of vitamins/minerals and which ones?
 
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tvang

Member
I don't have any vitamin deficiencies but have been told that maybe my serotonin levels might be a bit abnormal.
 
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kevlar20

Member
yes, i have pretty bad OCD... the content of it varies, but sometimes i get involved in cleaning... one time my mom wanted to trade cell-phone covers with me... i gave it to her, then remembered that one day i had masturbated and talked on the phone after without washing my hands, so i stole her phone and cleaned the cover obsessively for over an hour... i kept feeling like i was missing a spot. I threw away a perfectly good baseball cap because it had a little bit of hair gel on it... Thats dissapointing that you threw away a book someone gave you. There is probably a certain degree of guilt that comes with that, and that guilt just adds to the anxiety that fuels you to repeat the behavior again... viscious cycle.
 
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IamThisOne

Well-known member
I don't know if I have OCD, but I wash my hands a lot. When I drive my truck I wear vinyl or latex gloves because the steering wheel gets this oily stuff on it, I don't know what it's from. At a public place I wash my hands and use a paper towel to open the door. I also wash my hands after doing an activity even if they are not dirty. I just like my hands to not be sticky or dirty and I like them to smell like soap.

I also think I know what you mean by "feeling" dirty. Sometimes I feel contaminated and have to wash my hands. I don't know if it is OCD though.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
If I threw away everything with a spot, a stain, or was sticky - I'd have nothing left to wear.
 
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