pleasehelpme2012
New member
I know this is going to be intimidating seeing the length of this, it has to be lengthy to fully express everything that is going on, I know once you start reading this you'l find it interesting. Please take the time and read EVERYTHING that is here, it's absalutely important. Your input may be the one that saves my life from any more misery and pain. I drastically need someone that is a expert on OCD, ADHD or SCHIZOPHRENIA to read this and help me and tell me which one I have. These symptoms have literally ruined my ENTIRE LIFE!
A SHORT AND NEEDED BACKGROUND STORY OF ME-
I have a ongoing problem that is consuming my life. First off, I'd like to say I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in first grade. I simply cannot focus, and I was very hyper (I believe it was due to medication, once I got off medication when I was 17 my hyperness went away). I had a father in prison my entire life, and my mother and I never shared any interests or really got along, also we never had any laughs or real conversations. My problem with focus has always been really really bad, therefor I come off as lazy and that I don't care. When this is the furthest from the truth, I try extremely hard to focus and do things correctly. When I try to focus I often fail at various tasks this caused people (my mom really bad) to judge me for my lack of focus which in turn would cause me to become riddled with anxiety . Anyways, my step dad always judged me critically as well, seriously, I think the judgement caused me a complex. No matter how riddled with fear and hard I would try at something my lack of focus would cause me to fail, people would judge me, and this caused more anxiety more fear, than the process would keep repeating itself. This would later give me slight panic attacks that would occur daily frequently. I remain sort of distant from my parents.. I am 23 years old as of today. I've always had peyronies disease which replaces the healthy skin in my penis with scar tissue. Making sex very difficult and if not impossible for me.. So I've always had anxiety towards women. I use to be in a relationship with a girl for three years, I finally got the courage to get in a relationship when I was 18 years old. She has autism that runs in her family. I always felt like she was going to cheat on me, later I grew an obsession over her ex boyfriends and her history with them, and came to the conclusion she was going to cheat on me. I started to obsess over this, and also the stress over moeny as money was always hard for me to earn because I always struggled with jobs. The stresses lead to us not having a good bonded relationship (she was young and not good with finances at all). Our relationship was no longer healthy so we decided to take a weekened off, our first weekened apart and over the weekened my worst fear came true. She cheated on me. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me, and it caused me to believe more of my obsessive thoughts. I mean they are practical and usually make complete sense. Then I did the dumbest thing ever and stayed with her while she cheated on me, then I eventually left, and she came back to me. I no longer trusted her, so I told her if she had a kid with me I would believe trust her again. I wanted a kid before the peyronies made sex completely impossible for me. We had a kid, and then our relationship eventually failed because I could not forgive her for what she did to me, and the money stress was very much the same. Then she told me that our kid would most likely be autistic. I've seen her autistic nease, and I know exactly what autism is and looks like. I firmly believe my child is autistic, but no one else sees it. But I definitely notice it. So as you can see I have had a lot of stress, I usually tend to be right about things I tend to obsess over. Also money ruining my life has always been a big thing, because I always struggled with jobs. I've been laid off numerious jobs, no matter how hard I tried at them, because to them I had what they called "selective hearing." As in they laid me off and fired me over my ADHD, adding insult to injury right? These times certainly didn't help me with my self esteem problem. I've always felt victimized and blamed myself not knowing it was my ADHD causing all my problems, until a year ago when I started to notice how ADHD affected my life and realized over the years I been really hard on myself. My mom is still completely convinced there is nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head and she still critizes me VERY heavily.
While I was in elementary school I was every ADHD type of drug available atleast once. Here is what the doctors have diagnosed me with, and I noticed doctors would diagnose people with just about anything without any real research. Makes me sort of skeptical of the medical community.
DOCTORS DIAGNOSIS:
ADHD (inattentive type)
OCD (Doctor basically asked me if I thought I was OCD, I told him yes, he diagnosed me with it..)
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Short Term Memory (Doctor basically asked me if I wanted to be diagnosed me with this. I obviously told them no. But since the doctor believes it's a possibility I suppose I have to list it.)
Depression
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Doctor basically asked me if I wanted to be diagnosed with it, I said no, but I am listing it as it may be a possibility)
MY EXPERIENCE WITH DOCTORS:
The problems I experience are multiple symptoms from various brain disorders (Inattentive ADHD, OCD, SCHIZOPHRENIA, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER, SHORT TERM MEMORY, ASPEGERS, HYPOGLYCEMIA, DEPRESSION.) And the biggest problem is doctors want to diagnose me with any/all of these! There is no way I can actually have all of these disorders. I only have certain symptoms from each disorder and I am seriously starting to believe that the medical community is clueless. I've never denied my doctors thoughts before, it's just I never could explain my symptoms correctly unless i had it written down, that's one of my problems! And I never did that. That's why I am doing this now. Honestly I am tired of being labeled with whatever I think I have by doctors, maybe I need to stop going into rants when I talk to them while telling them the similarities of what I THINK I might have. Cause I don't know, I am not a professional. They need to do some research. I want someone that will ask me some questions to diagnose me CORRECTLY and not just let me rant for five minutes while I'm trying to diagnose myself basing it off research I've done on the internet. I only had two diagnosis sessions, my mom claims I've had more, but I don't remember this. I got diagnosed once at a young age with inattattentive ADHD, OCD, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER, DEPRESSION and MEMORY PROBLEMS (I personally think it may be paying attention problems and not memory problems}. And then my second and last diagnosis session was later last year, as I grew up and entered the real world as an adult I found it easier to explain my symptoms and I found that maybe something wasn't wrong with my brain, maybe it was just my adhd the whole time. So I believed it was just my ADHD so I got a therapist and he re-diagnosed me with ADHD but now I feel I should go back and bring up a little more about my obsessive thoughts and if I have the possibility of having schizophrenia, because I'm noticing more and more that my obsessive thoughts are more of a problem then I first thought. So let me tell you what I experience, and please someone help diagnosis me correctly.
THE SYMPTOMS I EXPERIENCE:
I can't stay focused. Sounds like no big deal right? You don't understand what I am saying.. I cannot stay focused long enough to complete most thoughts, I can't stay focused enough to even understand simple instructions, or pay attention when someone is talking directly to me. I can't even stay focused long enough to express my thoughts and feelings. Now I know these are just words to the you, but try to understand what I am telling you here. I have a very hard time explaining the way I feel, I cannot express myself. Imagine what this does to your life, also this makes getting diagnosed really difficult as I can't explain my symptoms because I can't focus! Even if I know the information very very well, it's hard to pull it out of my mind in order if that makes sense, and everytime I open my mouth to talk I forget what I am talking about. If there is a subject that I want to talk about I lose my point within moments of talkings about it, and I go off talking about something completely different, sometimes without even noticing it, and when I do notice it I can't remember what I am talking about. To counter this, I seem to over simplify things and repeat myself over and over. Obviously, you can never get your point across like this. Also when I try to express myself I find myself writing my thoughts and feelings down on paper or text messages, that way I can reference the subject so I can't lose track of what I am talking about, and showing that completed thought to the person I am trying to have a conversation with. I spend every waking moment of my life in anxiety and extreme stress. Why? Because I can't keep focused for a damn minute, my mind is like train of thoughts where each individual thought distracts me, and my thoughts keep leading in different directions. One thing I want to talk about is it feels like I completely lack the ability to multitask. For example, if I am in thought (which I am always in obessive thought) I lack the ability to pay attention to my surroundings. In turn, If I am focusing on my surroundings my mind will eventually latch on to one of my thoughts not triggered by my surrounding and that thought will be hard to break free from, meanwhile I am lacking the ability to pay attention to my surroundings once more.
The way I describe the feeling of this, is that it feels like I am always in auto-pilot. The majority of the time I spend in deep obessive thought while I do everything in the outside world in repition with vague memory of it. The vague memory is the reason doctors keep trying to diagnose me with short term memory. When I come out of deep thought in the middle of a conversation or when someones in the middle of trying to explain somethings to me it can be very unsetteling, it's like your starting a movie in the middle and your trying to figure out whats going on with just vague memory. In these moments I feel like I am going to be critisized for my lack of focus because the truth is they all tend to judge me personally and not my ADHD. So I try to fake paying attention, this could be misleading to people but I am absalutely terrified of critism. The way I feel is reality is too slow, too boring, and because of my problems of focus and fear of judgement, I tend to ignore it and hide in my obsessive thoughts. Each critiscm seems to make my obsessive thoughts more invasive and frequent. The way I like to think of it is my obsessive thoughts are my safe haven, when reality gets too scary or too real I will hide in them, like I said, I lack the ability to multitask, once I am in my obsessive thoughts it's like I am no longer there. It's like I am in auto pilot. I am noticing emotional flattening, I can't focus on anything, how am I supposed to enjoy life? I really don't have any joy in my life, the only thing I enjoy is obessing.
That's all I do, is obsess, obsess, obsess. That's all I do and that's all I am. That's sad. And it's not particularly fun, it's actually quit stressful. And that really sums up my personality too, STRESSED, OBSESSED, and EXTREMELY DISORGANIZED. Obsession is particularly the only thing I can do, it's almost like it's my only personality. I always seem out of it, or that I don't care, when I am just having difficulty paying attention, this especially happens when people are talking to me and I have trouble paying attention. People also always feel like I am ignoring them. I always come off rude or uninterested when I don't mean to. I can't notice the outside world and whats going around in it, it's like being in prison inside of your mind. Ever heard of what happens to people in solitary confinement. That is seriously happening to me. If you do not know, look it up. Most people in solitary confinement will become schizophrenic, plus other symptoms I am experiencing. Now the thing I don't understand is how I am diagnosed with OCD, I just have obsessive thoughts, I don't have any obsessive compulsive behaviors like washing my hands repeatedly or anything similar to that, so one of my questions is, is what I am describing OCD at all? I am far too unfocused on my enviroment enough to learn a habit like washing hands repeatedly or any repeated actions for that matter. I think because I have the inability to focus on my enviroment and whats going on my mind naturally wonders.
Now why those thoughts become obsessive, well I have a theory for that too, I think my thoughts become obsessive to compensate for my lack of focus. Think about it this way, I cant focus on my enviroment at all and I cant keep my thoughts focused, so I use obsession/stress/anxiety as compensation for a lack of focus. If I obsess over deadlines and other various things 24/7, there is no way I can forget them can I? But this leaves me extremely stressed and unhappy. I also have a hard time understanding and comprehending things even when I am concentrating with my fullest ability. I am also very concious of my lack of abilities to communicate, so when I talk to someone I over stress things I don't want them to think is true when there actually not. For example I am talking to someone and for some reason my obsessive mind thinks the conversation I am having is going to lead them into thinking I am a pyro (even though it's in my head), I will come off as a dangerious killer pyro in the conversation by inappropriately over stressing the fact that I'm not. People always say they can tell when I'm lying because I come off obvious when I'm trying to hide something. I just obsess and I have very low confidence and I don't want people thinking things that are not true, because people always get the wrong idea of me anyways so I obsess to the point where they believe exactly what I don't want them to think. After every conversation I will have them convinced of whatever I don't want them to think. I also come off rude when I don't mean to, I think it's because I am so insecure and I over stress my points to the point it makes other people feel like I am personally attacking them. I do this all the time and I never mean to. I am no fun, I am obsessive, disorganized, and stressed. I spend the majority of my day walking in circles trying to remember what I was doing.
I am so insecure and obsessive I literally destroyed every close relationship I have ever had. I always get an obsessive thought in my mind, and I believe it's true so much it actually begins to become true. For example I was so obsessed over thinking my girlfriend is going to cheat on me that it ruined our relationship and she cheated on me. My obsessive thoughts made me feel like my cousin never liked me, when it wasn't true. I felt like everything he did was proof he never liked me and never cared about and I was so defensive and emotionally hurtful to him he actually attacked me. Another obsessive thought that became true. I obsess so much anything I don't want to happen, will happen to me, so how am I supposed to stop obsessing when my the things I obsess about always come true. I been saying somethings with my brain so long the possibility of something not being wrong with my brain is almost impossible, right? I mean, who obsesses this much, and for this long? I am so obsessed with thinking/knowing somethings wrong with me it affects my thoughts every second of the day, I just keep noticing things are abnormal, and it's been like this since I was in first grade. I even collected so much surrounding data that somethings literally wrong me it actually seemed like everyone was making sure I never knew and was keeping it a secret from me. Now that may sound crazy, but it made complete sense by the information I gathered, I mean the idea became so fleshed out it was the only thing that made sense anymore. I had enough information I could write a book how it was true, and the book would of made complete sense, it would of had more then enough evidence. The thought made more sense than reality.
But it wasn't the truth and everyone in my family swore it wasn't. I asked everybody in my family if they thought something was wrong with me, nobody seems to think so, they think I am extremely obsessive and I feel like everybodys out to get me. A lot of people believe I am just under a lot of stress and I feel like everybody is out to get me because I struggle with disabilities that I am very self concious about. I think when I notice things I keep all possibilities of what it could mean open, and things can fall in to the right place where they seem true when there really not. But you have to remember these thoughts make sense, it's believable, I have convinced people of some of my accusations. They may be really complex and hard to explain, especially for me, but when I do explain them, people see exactly how I got that conclusion. All my obsessive thoughts revolve around me thinking/knowing somethings wrong with me. I been complaing about all these symptoms since I was in seventh grade. I been wanting to get evaluated by a competent doctor since I was in late seventh grade. My mom said I been complaining about these problems my entire life, I don't remember this at all, but maybe I have, who knows. But if I have been complaining about these problems that long, who would make that up? I remember me complaining about these problems once I got off my adhd medications in seventh grade and started having sleeping problems (staying up to late?) and then the other problems developed shortly after. Another thing I notice I do a lot is I use words with loose association within my sentences. Also I always confuse similar sounding words when I talk or write, for example "something" with "nothing". You should of seen how this article looked when I was done with it, I had to fix so many mistakes from words sounding similar.
Also I'm confused if whats going on is effecting my working memory or if I am just having trouble paying attention in the first place. Working memory is the kind of memory you use to keep things in your head for active processing, like the digits of a phone number you’re about to dial. Another symptom to schizophrenia that I have is the lack of executive control, which also allows us to suppress our response to distractions in order to get something done. I am also very bad with dates, and times, I vaguely remember the things I did the day before. I couldn't tell you the exact date something happened, and I am usually wrong when I guess. Maybe this is because I don't spend much time paying attention? It's wierd every day I know what day it is or atleast I have a rough idea, but a week later I can remember the things I did vaguely but I wont know what day they occured. Maybe this is normal, maybe not. Maybe I need to get better thought organization and remember to compare the questioned activity to things I had to do certain days of the week. One last random symptom I experience is when I try to make a sentence or explain something I always leave a gap, a huge vital piece of information missing from the sentence. That's one of the reasons I have a hard time communicating and getting diagnosed, like I said before, the reason I wrote this.
Also as you can tell these problems make me not socialize, I am a now a complete recluse with no friends and I am completely afraid to socialize. I remember getting off the ADHD medications, I am affected by caffiene with sugar and stimulants weirdly, I am completely addicted to stimulants (maybe why I obsess so much, is that a stimulant?) Anyways when I have energy drink or a lot of soda I will get really shaky and I feel like I have to eat that second or I am going to die, and I start to have a full anxiety attack. Sometimes this causes me to go blind temporarily and I feel like I am passing out. Sometimes thinking I am going to have a anxiety attack causes me to have a this problem to occur more frequently. Is this a stimulant thing? Or a withdrawal thing from caffiene and sugar? I remember thinking it was hypoglycemia for the longest time but now I just don't know. Maybe it's because I don't eat as often as I should. People always say to me, they know a lot of people with ADHD and none of them have as many problems as I claim I have. And that always stuck, why is that? Is it the combination of OCD-ADHD that creates these horrible symptoms or is am I actually becoming schizophrenic?
DRUGS: *IMPORTANT SYMPTOM INSIDE*
Now another thing I noticed is these obsessive evasive thoughts get aggravated and become much much worse after using drugs such as Marijuana, Shrooms and Exctsasy. And I don't need a lot of any of them to feel immobilizing effects. As soon I take any of these drugs, I instantly think something is wrong with me, extremely bad. I feel extremely sad, like a crushing depressive mood, I can't pay attention or focus AT ALL and I notice it EXTREMELY well, I literally have an instant anxiety attack the entire time I am on a drug, and I notice everything wrong me like a hundred times clearer, and I feel like everybody knows. Plus my paranoid thoughts become worse and I feel like everybodys hiding my mental illness from me. No matter how many times people tell me nothings wrong with me I don't believe them. The worst part is I take this anxiety and it stays with me even when I become sober! So as you can tell, I don't take these drugs anymore. It's the scariest feeling I have ever had! And it never use to be like this! I did some research on the internet and it says this is proof of the onset of schizophrenia. It's like my obsessions get 1,000x worse when I am on a drug. Also when I talk when I am on it, I can't remember what I said as soon as words fall out of my mouth, it's a very scary feeling, and I end up giving into my obsessive evasive thoughts that something is wrong with me, and I end up freaking out and asking the same paranoid questions over and over "Whats wrong with me?" "Whats wrong?" "Are you mad at me?" The crazy part is one hit of marijuana can cause all this.
END (YOU MADE IT! See it wasn't that tough, was it?):
So I I'm imbetween thinking I either have ADHD, OCD and having EXTREME low self-esteem (by being victimized by my ADHD) or do you think I am developing schizophrenia. I mean could this be OCD, can OCD be just extreme obsessive thoughts 24/7 and my ADHD makes the thoughts random?
A SHORT AND NEEDED BACKGROUND STORY OF ME-
I have a ongoing problem that is consuming my life. First off, I'd like to say I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in first grade. I simply cannot focus, and I was very hyper (I believe it was due to medication, once I got off medication when I was 17 my hyperness went away). I had a father in prison my entire life, and my mother and I never shared any interests or really got along, also we never had any laughs or real conversations. My problem with focus has always been really really bad, therefor I come off as lazy and that I don't care. When this is the furthest from the truth, I try extremely hard to focus and do things correctly. When I try to focus I often fail at various tasks this caused people (my mom really bad) to judge me for my lack of focus which in turn would cause me to become riddled with anxiety . Anyways, my step dad always judged me critically as well, seriously, I think the judgement caused me a complex. No matter how riddled with fear and hard I would try at something my lack of focus would cause me to fail, people would judge me, and this caused more anxiety more fear, than the process would keep repeating itself. This would later give me slight panic attacks that would occur daily frequently. I remain sort of distant from my parents.. I am 23 years old as of today. I've always had peyronies disease which replaces the healthy skin in my penis with scar tissue. Making sex very difficult and if not impossible for me.. So I've always had anxiety towards women. I use to be in a relationship with a girl for three years, I finally got the courage to get in a relationship when I was 18 years old. She has autism that runs in her family. I always felt like she was going to cheat on me, later I grew an obsession over her ex boyfriends and her history with them, and came to the conclusion she was going to cheat on me. I started to obsess over this, and also the stress over moeny as money was always hard for me to earn because I always struggled with jobs. The stresses lead to us not having a good bonded relationship (she was young and not good with finances at all). Our relationship was no longer healthy so we decided to take a weekened off, our first weekened apart and over the weekened my worst fear came true. She cheated on me. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me, and it caused me to believe more of my obsessive thoughts. I mean they are practical and usually make complete sense. Then I did the dumbest thing ever and stayed with her while she cheated on me, then I eventually left, and she came back to me. I no longer trusted her, so I told her if she had a kid with me I would believe trust her again. I wanted a kid before the peyronies made sex completely impossible for me. We had a kid, and then our relationship eventually failed because I could not forgive her for what she did to me, and the money stress was very much the same. Then she told me that our kid would most likely be autistic. I've seen her autistic nease, and I know exactly what autism is and looks like. I firmly believe my child is autistic, but no one else sees it. But I definitely notice it. So as you can see I have had a lot of stress, I usually tend to be right about things I tend to obsess over. Also money ruining my life has always been a big thing, because I always struggled with jobs. I've been laid off numerious jobs, no matter how hard I tried at them, because to them I had what they called "selective hearing." As in they laid me off and fired me over my ADHD, adding insult to injury right? These times certainly didn't help me with my self esteem problem. I've always felt victimized and blamed myself not knowing it was my ADHD causing all my problems, until a year ago when I started to notice how ADHD affected my life and realized over the years I been really hard on myself. My mom is still completely convinced there is nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head and she still critizes me VERY heavily.
While I was in elementary school I was every ADHD type of drug available atleast once. Here is what the doctors have diagnosed me with, and I noticed doctors would diagnose people with just about anything without any real research. Makes me sort of skeptical of the medical community.
DOCTORS DIAGNOSIS:
ADHD (inattentive type)
OCD (Doctor basically asked me if I thought I was OCD, I told him yes, he diagnosed me with it..)
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Short Term Memory (Doctor basically asked me if I wanted to be diagnosed me with this. I obviously told them no. But since the doctor believes it's a possibility I suppose I have to list it.)
Depression
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Doctor basically asked me if I wanted to be diagnosed with it, I said no, but I am listing it as it may be a possibility)
MY EXPERIENCE WITH DOCTORS:
The problems I experience are multiple symptoms from various brain disorders (Inattentive ADHD, OCD, SCHIZOPHRENIA, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER, SHORT TERM MEMORY, ASPEGERS, HYPOGLYCEMIA, DEPRESSION.) And the biggest problem is doctors want to diagnose me with any/all of these! There is no way I can actually have all of these disorders. I only have certain symptoms from each disorder and I am seriously starting to believe that the medical community is clueless. I've never denied my doctors thoughts before, it's just I never could explain my symptoms correctly unless i had it written down, that's one of my problems! And I never did that. That's why I am doing this now. Honestly I am tired of being labeled with whatever I think I have by doctors, maybe I need to stop going into rants when I talk to them while telling them the similarities of what I THINK I might have. Cause I don't know, I am not a professional. They need to do some research. I want someone that will ask me some questions to diagnose me CORRECTLY and not just let me rant for five minutes while I'm trying to diagnose myself basing it off research I've done on the internet. I only had two diagnosis sessions, my mom claims I've had more, but I don't remember this. I got diagnosed once at a young age with inattattentive ADHD, OCD, OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANCE DISORDER, DEPRESSION and MEMORY PROBLEMS (I personally think it may be paying attention problems and not memory problems}. And then my second and last diagnosis session was later last year, as I grew up and entered the real world as an adult I found it easier to explain my symptoms and I found that maybe something wasn't wrong with my brain, maybe it was just my adhd the whole time. So I believed it was just my ADHD so I got a therapist and he re-diagnosed me with ADHD but now I feel I should go back and bring up a little more about my obsessive thoughts and if I have the possibility of having schizophrenia, because I'm noticing more and more that my obsessive thoughts are more of a problem then I first thought. So let me tell you what I experience, and please someone help diagnosis me correctly.
THE SYMPTOMS I EXPERIENCE:
I can't stay focused. Sounds like no big deal right? You don't understand what I am saying.. I cannot stay focused long enough to complete most thoughts, I can't stay focused enough to even understand simple instructions, or pay attention when someone is talking directly to me. I can't even stay focused long enough to express my thoughts and feelings. Now I know these are just words to the you, but try to understand what I am telling you here. I have a very hard time explaining the way I feel, I cannot express myself. Imagine what this does to your life, also this makes getting diagnosed really difficult as I can't explain my symptoms because I can't focus! Even if I know the information very very well, it's hard to pull it out of my mind in order if that makes sense, and everytime I open my mouth to talk I forget what I am talking about. If there is a subject that I want to talk about I lose my point within moments of talkings about it, and I go off talking about something completely different, sometimes without even noticing it, and when I do notice it I can't remember what I am talking about. To counter this, I seem to over simplify things and repeat myself over and over. Obviously, you can never get your point across like this. Also when I try to express myself I find myself writing my thoughts and feelings down on paper or text messages, that way I can reference the subject so I can't lose track of what I am talking about, and showing that completed thought to the person I am trying to have a conversation with. I spend every waking moment of my life in anxiety and extreme stress. Why? Because I can't keep focused for a damn minute, my mind is like train of thoughts where each individual thought distracts me, and my thoughts keep leading in different directions. One thing I want to talk about is it feels like I completely lack the ability to multitask. For example, if I am in thought (which I am always in obessive thought) I lack the ability to pay attention to my surroundings. In turn, If I am focusing on my surroundings my mind will eventually latch on to one of my thoughts not triggered by my surrounding and that thought will be hard to break free from, meanwhile I am lacking the ability to pay attention to my surroundings once more.
The way I describe the feeling of this, is that it feels like I am always in auto-pilot. The majority of the time I spend in deep obessive thought while I do everything in the outside world in repition with vague memory of it. The vague memory is the reason doctors keep trying to diagnose me with short term memory. When I come out of deep thought in the middle of a conversation or when someones in the middle of trying to explain somethings to me it can be very unsetteling, it's like your starting a movie in the middle and your trying to figure out whats going on with just vague memory. In these moments I feel like I am going to be critisized for my lack of focus because the truth is they all tend to judge me personally and not my ADHD. So I try to fake paying attention, this could be misleading to people but I am absalutely terrified of critism. The way I feel is reality is too slow, too boring, and because of my problems of focus and fear of judgement, I tend to ignore it and hide in my obsessive thoughts. Each critiscm seems to make my obsessive thoughts more invasive and frequent. The way I like to think of it is my obsessive thoughts are my safe haven, when reality gets too scary or too real I will hide in them, like I said, I lack the ability to multitask, once I am in my obsessive thoughts it's like I am no longer there. It's like I am in auto pilot. I am noticing emotional flattening, I can't focus on anything, how am I supposed to enjoy life? I really don't have any joy in my life, the only thing I enjoy is obessing.
That's all I do, is obsess, obsess, obsess. That's all I do and that's all I am. That's sad. And it's not particularly fun, it's actually quit stressful. And that really sums up my personality too, STRESSED, OBSESSED, and EXTREMELY DISORGANIZED. Obsession is particularly the only thing I can do, it's almost like it's my only personality. I always seem out of it, or that I don't care, when I am just having difficulty paying attention, this especially happens when people are talking to me and I have trouble paying attention. People also always feel like I am ignoring them. I always come off rude or uninterested when I don't mean to. I can't notice the outside world and whats going around in it, it's like being in prison inside of your mind. Ever heard of what happens to people in solitary confinement. That is seriously happening to me. If you do not know, look it up. Most people in solitary confinement will become schizophrenic, plus other symptoms I am experiencing. Now the thing I don't understand is how I am diagnosed with OCD, I just have obsessive thoughts, I don't have any obsessive compulsive behaviors like washing my hands repeatedly or anything similar to that, so one of my questions is, is what I am describing OCD at all? I am far too unfocused on my enviroment enough to learn a habit like washing hands repeatedly or any repeated actions for that matter. I think because I have the inability to focus on my enviroment and whats going on my mind naturally wonders.
Now why those thoughts become obsessive, well I have a theory for that too, I think my thoughts become obsessive to compensate for my lack of focus. Think about it this way, I cant focus on my enviroment at all and I cant keep my thoughts focused, so I use obsession/stress/anxiety as compensation for a lack of focus. If I obsess over deadlines and other various things 24/7, there is no way I can forget them can I? But this leaves me extremely stressed and unhappy. I also have a hard time understanding and comprehending things even when I am concentrating with my fullest ability. I am also very concious of my lack of abilities to communicate, so when I talk to someone I over stress things I don't want them to think is true when there actually not. For example I am talking to someone and for some reason my obsessive mind thinks the conversation I am having is going to lead them into thinking I am a pyro (even though it's in my head), I will come off as a dangerious killer pyro in the conversation by inappropriately over stressing the fact that I'm not. People always say they can tell when I'm lying because I come off obvious when I'm trying to hide something. I just obsess and I have very low confidence and I don't want people thinking things that are not true, because people always get the wrong idea of me anyways so I obsess to the point where they believe exactly what I don't want them to think. After every conversation I will have them convinced of whatever I don't want them to think. I also come off rude when I don't mean to, I think it's because I am so insecure and I over stress my points to the point it makes other people feel like I am personally attacking them. I do this all the time and I never mean to. I am no fun, I am obsessive, disorganized, and stressed. I spend the majority of my day walking in circles trying to remember what I was doing.
I am so insecure and obsessive I literally destroyed every close relationship I have ever had. I always get an obsessive thought in my mind, and I believe it's true so much it actually begins to become true. For example I was so obsessed over thinking my girlfriend is going to cheat on me that it ruined our relationship and she cheated on me. My obsessive thoughts made me feel like my cousin never liked me, when it wasn't true. I felt like everything he did was proof he never liked me and never cared about and I was so defensive and emotionally hurtful to him he actually attacked me. Another obsessive thought that became true. I obsess so much anything I don't want to happen, will happen to me, so how am I supposed to stop obsessing when my the things I obsess about always come true. I been saying somethings with my brain so long the possibility of something not being wrong with my brain is almost impossible, right? I mean, who obsesses this much, and for this long? I am so obsessed with thinking/knowing somethings wrong with me it affects my thoughts every second of the day, I just keep noticing things are abnormal, and it's been like this since I was in first grade. I even collected so much surrounding data that somethings literally wrong me it actually seemed like everyone was making sure I never knew and was keeping it a secret from me. Now that may sound crazy, but it made complete sense by the information I gathered, I mean the idea became so fleshed out it was the only thing that made sense anymore. I had enough information I could write a book how it was true, and the book would of made complete sense, it would of had more then enough evidence. The thought made more sense than reality.
But it wasn't the truth and everyone in my family swore it wasn't. I asked everybody in my family if they thought something was wrong with me, nobody seems to think so, they think I am extremely obsessive and I feel like everybodys out to get me. A lot of people believe I am just under a lot of stress and I feel like everybody is out to get me because I struggle with disabilities that I am very self concious about. I think when I notice things I keep all possibilities of what it could mean open, and things can fall in to the right place where they seem true when there really not. But you have to remember these thoughts make sense, it's believable, I have convinced people of some of my accusations. They may be really complex and hard to explain, especially for me, but when I do explain them, people see exactly how I got that conclusion. All my obsessive thoughts revolve around me thinking/knowing somethings wrong with me. I been complaing about all these symptoms since I was in seventh grade. I been wanting to get evaluated by a competent doctor since I was in late seventh grade. My mom said I been complaining about these problems my entire life, I don't remember this at all, but maybe I have, who knows. But if I have been complaining about these problems that long, who would make that up? I remember me complaining about these problems once I got off my adhd medications in seventh grade and started having sleeping problems (staying up to late?) and then the other problems developed shortly after. Another thing I notice I do a lot is I use words with loose association within my sentences. Also I always confuse similar sounding words when I talk or write, for example "something" with "nothing". You should of seen how this article looked when I was done with it, I had to fix so many mistakes from words sounding similar.
Also I'm confused if whats going on is effecting my working memory or if I am just having trouble paying attention in the first place. Working memory is the kind of memory you use to keep things in your head for active processing, like the digits of a phone number you’re about to dial. Another symptom to schizophrenia that I have is the lack of executive control, which also allows us to suppress our response to distractions in order to get something done. I am also very bad with dates, and times, I vaguely remember the things I did the day before. I couldn't tell you the exact date something happened, and I am usually wrong when I guess. Maybe this is because I don't spend much time paying attention? It's wierd every day I know what day it is or atleast I have a rough idea, but a week later I can remember the things I did vaguely but I wont know what day they occured. Maybe this is normal, maybe not. Maybe I need to get better thought organization and remember to compare the questioned activity to things I had to do certain days of the week. One last random symptom I experience is when I try to make a sentence or explain something I always leave a gap, a huge vital piece of information missing from the sentence. That's one of the reasons I have a hard time communicating and getting diagnosed, like I said before, the reason I wrote this.
Also as you can tell these problems make me not socialize, I am a now a complete recluse with no friends and I am completely afraid to socialize. I remember getting off the ADHD medications, I am affected by caffiene with sugar and stimulants weirdly, I am completely addicted to stimulants (maybe why I obsess so much, is that a stimulant?) Anyways when I have energy drink or a lot of soda I will get really shaky and I feel like I have to eat that second or I am going to die, and I start to have a full anxiety attack. Sometimes this causes me to go blind temporarily and I feel like I am passing out. Sometimes thinking I am going to have a anxiety attack causes me to have a this problem to occur more frequently. Is this a stimulant thing? Or a withdrawal thing from caffiene and sugar? I remember thinking it was hypoglycemia for the longest time but now I just don't know. Maybe it's because I don't eat as often as I should. People always say to me, they know a lot of people with ADHD and none of them have as many problems as I claim I have. And that always stuck, why is that? Is it the combination of OCD-ADHD that creates these horrible symptoms or is am I actually becoming schizophrenic?
DRUGS: *IMPORTANT SYMPTOM INSIDE*
Now another thing I noticed is these obsessive evasive thoughts get aggravated and become much much worse after using drugs such as Marijuana, Shrooms and Exctsasy. And I don't need a lot of any of them to feel immobilizing effects. As soon I take any of these drugs, I instantly think something is wrong with me, extremely bad. I feel extremely sad, like a crushing depressive mood, I can't pay attention or focus AT ALL and I notice it EXTREMELY well, I literally have an instant anxiety attack the entire time I am on a drug, and I notice everything wrong me like a hundred times clearer, and I feel like everybody knows. Plus my paranoid thoughts become worse and I feel like everybodys hiding my mental illness from me. No matter how many times people tell me nothings wrong with me I don't believe them. The worst part is I take this anxiety and it stays with me even when I become sober! So as you can tell, I don't take these drugs anymore. It's the scariest feeling I have ever had! And it never use to be like this! I did some research on the internet and it says this is proof of the onset of schizophrenia. It's like my obsessions get 1,000x worse when I am on a drug. Also when I talk when I am on it, I can't remember what I said as soon as words fall out of my mouth, it's a very scary feeling, and I end up giving into my obsessive evasive thoughts that something is wrong with me, and I end up freaking out and asking the same paranoid questions over and over "Whats wrong with me?" "Whats wrong?" "Are you mad at me?" The crazy part is one hit of marijuana can cause all this.
END (YOU MADE IT! See it wasn't that tough, was it?):
So I I'm imbetween thinking I either have ADHD, OCD and having EXTREME low self-esteem (by being victimized by my ADHD) or do you think I am developing schizophrenia. I mean could this be OCD, can OCD be just extreme obsessive thoughts 24/7 and my ADHD makes the thoughts random?
