Not knowing what you look like.(bdd)

[YellowBird]

I can't create a mental picture of myself. I have no idea how I actually look. I look at myself in one mirror, then I look in another mirror and I look completely different. I don't allow others to take pictures of me anymore; I only take my own picture and again, I look completely different in every single one. There are pictures where I look like an orc and some that I actually like, but how do I know which one is true?

 

[MrJones]

As far as I've seen, you look nothing like an orc.

I don't really understand BDD since I don't have it myself, but if it doesn't allow you to see how you really are I assume people with BDD are better looking than they think they are, and maybe your case is the same.

 

[pop-princess]

I can relate to this feeling, YellowBird.

I had an "ugly-day" and decided to draw a picture of myself. I tried to make all my features as I see them - big nose, messy hair, big hips, small eyes, ugly eyebrows, and so on. I showed it to my mum, and she started laughing and said it looked nothing like me. That made me think that, yes, maybe I have a really distorted image of how I look.

 

[ikbenrifi]

I don't understand this myself! sometimes i see myself very attractive, some times i see myself ugly !

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Taking photos is tricky-- especially if you don't have a symmetrical or photogenic face (like myself); taking from a different angle will make you look like a totally different creature; taking with different lighting or with a different expression, or next to other people will also do the trick.

The 'real' face, I would think... is the one you see infront of you when you look into a mirror.

My therapist did an exercise with me one day out of curiosity.
She asked me to draw a picture of my face.
I said; 'I don't know what I look like, though.'
And drew myself-- then looked into a mirror and compared it to see that it didn't even vaguely resemble what was in the mirror.
Either way, my face is hideous to me.
I don't connect with what I see in a mirror-- I often scare myself by catching my reflection and thinking there's a stranger coming up behind me or something.

 

[Gaucho]

Hey,

I always wonder how others perceive me. I feel like they see me as a little kid. My mind is very disturbed.

 

[YellowBird]

BDD is in the OCD spectrum. It's what I want to talk about most, but I hesitate because I sound so superficial (maybe I am, who knows). But the point of it is being obsessed with a thought. Sometimes that thought makes no sense, and others will look at you like an alien if you try to express it. In this case, you are obsessed with something concerning your body/face. Sometimes, I think it's the "natural" sequence after over-analyzing everything in that confined space that is your brain with trying to understand the whole world and beyond it. You move on to your physical appearance.

I've thought about it a lot lately (analyzing my over-analyzing) and observed another feeling that comes along with it - feeling old inside. I might not be able to express myself clearly at all, but I'll give it a shot. I feel like I'm very close to death (no ****! Everyone is!), meaning the feeling of decay and morbidity lurks in my presence. The general feeling of anxiety that makes you helpless, feeling that you can be ridiculed and not being able to defend yourself, feeling that you don't have the ego to "promote" yourself and get a job that will put food on your table. Anyway, this feeling that you depend on others to take care of your most basic needs makes me feel as if I'm in a hospice waiting for my last breath. I feel old, I feel ugly, and I can't conceal it like other people do.

 

[dyingtolive]

I believe BDD is often thought of as an imaginary illusion about oneself. I have seen people on Oprah with BDD or we've all seen anorexics, but I don't believe that people with BDD have illusory delusions about how they look. I believe they really see what they see. It's easy for something to look imperfect, whether it's proportions, shapes, different angles, or anything else. Lighting, in particular, is a significant factor, and you never look the same because lighting conditions are always different. Our appearance relies heavily on external factors. Anorexics, for example, are preoccupied with one body part that never looks good no matter how much weight they lose, but they neglect other body parts. I don't think it's as much in the head as others believe it to be. I think it stems from a real imperfection. Well, this is just my theory.

I do not know if I suffer from it or not because I know my flaws are real. So, whether it's a completely different disorder or not, I know I have OCD, and it's from the inability to accept myself. You've seen yourself one way, and ego creates an image. 'I like how this looks. I want to look like this. This is me. I identify with this.' And then you see yourself with different lighting, different angles, different posture, different movement, and then you think 'that was not me. Who is that hideous thing?'

I believe it's a problem of the mind, but not a completely delusional problem.