not knowing what the problem is

Earthcircle

Well-known member
I am 49, have had many years of therapy -- although not recently -- and have had a ton of meds. I have also read a stack of self-help books. Despite all that, I'm not even sure what my problem is. I tend to be remarkably non-social, a fact which used to make me really miserable although now I'm less sure how to feel about it. I am also very uncertain how to address the problem, if it is a problem. My analyst -- yes, I actually had an analyst once -- told me that my core problem is depression. I am not social because depression is not social. So should I be correcting my depression somehow? Am I depressed? I'm not even sure. I hate the fact that I'm not in a relationship, and it amazes me when people who identify as having social phobia will start talking about their partner, spouse, children, etc.

I was also told a number of times in the late 80s and early 90s that I needed to get in touch with my feelings, a remark which I find very confusing. I don't know if I ever got in touch with them or not. I hope people don't think I'm trying to be funny. I know that on discussion threads, people sometimes think I am trolling. I am not. This is serious. I honestly don't know what "getting in touch with feelings" is supposed to mean, and I don't know what my problem is or even if I have a problem. But if anyone says "All that matters is whether you are happy," I will have to reply that I don't think I'm happy. I am too isolated, and something seems wrong.
 
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Earthcircle

Well-known member
For years, I forced myself to be social. I'm sure I have had more social experience than people significantly younger than I am -- but they are usually more social! Some of the books did not really offer any advice, such as the books by Claudia Black about getting in touch with feelings and a book about forgiveness (all books recommended by therapists). It's odd that practice doesn't seem to make any difference. I dont' seem to learn anything from the practice. Well, the one thing I have learned is that people think I am awkward and behave inappropriately. I'm not aware of this until I get feedback, and the feedback can be very cruel.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
Why do you talk about books that didn't offer any advice?
Talk about the ones who did..
Younger/ older is a forever going topic. We are all human being.
I have seen college lads sitting in their rooms 24/7 and older men rocking it and enjoy life at the fullest.
What are the exercises have you done?

There were some exercises where I had to list my feelings through the day, the intensity of each feeling, the nature of each feeling, the cause of each feeling. It was driving me crazy. I don't think it's natural to be monitoring oneself that much.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
I have seen college lads sitting in their rooms 24/7 and older men rocking it and enjoy life at the fullest.

My point was that there are people with less social experience than I have who, nonetheless, have a much better social sense. On the face of it, one would expect older people to be more social because they've had more experience and develop a better sense of how to be social. But with me it just doesn't seem to stick. Socialization is supposed to change something, but in my case nothing changed.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
Have you ever tried CBT and Exposure Therapy?

I read a CBT book for OCD, "Stop Obsessing," which helped a lot. It was the only really clear success story in my history of treatment. And it worked quickly. There was no process.

As for CBT therapists, I had at least three who claimed to be CBT, but their methods struck me as remarkably weak. One spoke vaguely of forgiveness, which was like gibberish to me. Another one told me to think three happy thoughts daily and write them down. I actually did that for a couple weeks, then it began to strike me as very silly and I quit doing it. CBT was a big disappointment overall, but I can't forget how effective that one book was. However, the OCD book had no discernible effect on my social life. As for exposure therapy, no. No one ever tried that on me. I had lots of psychodynamic therapy. One therapist had me coming in three times a week. Another had me on a couch. I had many years of that.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
Maybe you have autism? You can maybe get tested and see. I have autism and had no idea why I was so different till I got tested and found out. It's just a thought but maybe you can look into it more.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
Maybe you have autism? You can maybe get tested and see. I have autism and had no idea why I was so different till I got tested and found out. It's just a thought but maybe you can look into it more.

I have taken Baron-Cohen's Aspie test again and again and again. I always score in the Aspie range, sometimes very high in it. But I mentioned this to a psychiatrist who burst out laughing saying that there is no way I could have Asperger syndrome. I've gotten a long list of other diagnoses, some of which -- no pun intended -- are really crazy. The odd thing is, in a way, I'm very successful. I'm a published author, live in a large apartment, blah blah. But socially, I am strangely incompetent.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
I have taken Baron-Cohen's Aspie test again and again and again. I always score in the Aspie range, sometimes very high in it. But I mentioned this to a psychiatrist who burst out laughing saying that there is no way I could have Asperger syndrome. I've gotten a long list of other diagnoses, some of which -- no pun intended -- are really crazy. The odd thing is, in a way, I'm very successful. I'm a published author, live in a large apartment, blah blah. But socially, I am strangely incompetent.

That is common with autism to not be good socially but excel in something you really enjoy.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
I used to hang out in Wrong Planet, but I was then identified as a troll so I left never to return. It's ironic that that would be the problem, because unintentionally offending people is an Aspie trait.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
I used to hang out in Wrong Planet, but I was then identified as a troll so I left never to return. It's ironic that that would be the problem, because unintentionally offending people is an Aspie trait.

I think you should look into it more and get tested by a professional who knows what autism is. Good luck!!!
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
I think you should look into it more and get tested by a professional who knows what autism is. Good luck!!!

I saw a clinical psychologist who specializes in Asperger syndrome a few years ago. She thought that I have it. But when she began to have me read pictures of facial expressions, I did remarkably well. In fact, my ability to read emotions in faces is above average.

The last time I saw a psychiatrist, which was 2.5 years ago, he said that I have "social anxiety, some degree of dysthymia, and that's about it." That's a remarkably mild diagnosis, given the severe diagnoses I've gotten earlier. And it's not like I have improved since any of them.
 

MotherWolff

Banned
The fact that you choose to think negatively is the root of your problems.

No event, person, or thing can make you think, feel, or act a certain away....unless maybe they got a gun cocked at your head.
 

BlueGenie

New member
Thinking negatively doesn't explain lack of social skills still. Plenty of people think very negative yet have no problem in social domain with family friends etc
 

Sammie_Kay

Well-known member
Hey Earthciricle,

Doesnt really sound like you have much of a "problem" to me. Looks like you just need to look inside yourself and find out what you really want in this life.

Sounds like you are looking for some social interaction.
Which for many of us is super hard to do. But with babysteps can be done before you know it. You could always start by saying hello to everyone you see at the grocery store.

If you want to be in a relationship, then search out and date around to see if you can connect to someone.

Getting in touch with your feelings/ emotions for people are often hard.
Think about all the things (movies,books,songs) that you enjoy or that you hate or that make you cry. Those things invoke feelings and that is a start.

I hope something I said will help. I hope are having a wonderful day!
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
Getting in touch with your feelings/ emotions for people are often hard.
Think about all the things (movies,books,songs) that you enjoy or that you hate or that make you cry. Those things invoke feelings and that is a start.

Thank you. Well, I've always loved emotional books and emotional movies and emotional music. That's one reason why the advice "Get in touch with your feelings" mystified me. In 1986, a psychologist informed me that I don't have the normal range of emotions. Or maybe she said that my emotions are shallow. I was really taken aback. I said "They don't seem shallow." She replied "Just because they don't seem shallow doesn't mean that they're not." To this day, I have no idea what she meant. But she wasn't the only one to say it. A number of mental health spe******ts made more or less the same remark to me.

(I don't know why part of the above was censored.)
 

Sammie_Kay

Well-known member
Thank you. Well, I've always loved emotional books and emotional movies and emotional music. That's one reason why the advice "Get in touch with your feelings" mystified me. In 1986, a psychologist informed me that I don't have the normal range of emotions. Or maybe she said that my emotions are shallow. I was really taken aback. I said "They don't seem shallow." She replied "Just because they don't seem shallow doesn't mean that they're not." To this day, I have no idea what she meant. But she wasn't the only one to say it. A number of mental health spe******ts made more or less the same remark to me.

(I don't know why part of the above was censored.)

Lol I am glad you made the comment about the censored word. Some times in posts I see words being censored and not sure why either. Guess the website has a mind of its own.
 

Earthcircle

Well-known member
I turn 50 next month, and I'm dreading it. No one ever celebrates my birthday, and I just wish that people didn't even know about it. If no one knew, then I could explain the lack of interest by saying that no one knows. But ...
 
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