Not even a real person anymore

[TailsAlone]

I'm at my lowest point ever because of AVPD and depression. A few weeks ago, I quit my first reliable full-time job. I worked third shift at a WalMart but I couldn't stand to be there anymore. I was so desperate to get out that I didn't get a new job beforehand, and before long I was broke and on the hook for rent I couldn't pay. I had to leave my apartment and move in with my brother until I can get back on my feet.

At this point I don't know if I ever will. I've got a new part-time job, and when I'm there I'm happy, confident and full of energy. When I come back to my brother's house I'm a different person--no person at all, really. I'm an emotionally exhausted shell and I wonder why I even bother going on. Everything has fallen apart. I can't be around people unless I'm getting paid, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to leave here.

That's the short story of how it all came to this. The long version is a mystery to me. How can I get by in a world I don't want to be a part of? How long can I keep escaping into fantasies and TV shows? I'm half of a healthy and functional person, at best, in a society that expects me to pretend I'm whole. And now I can't afford to be anything less.

I need help but I'm scared to ask for it. What should I do?

 

[kihira]

I'm half of a healthy and functional person, at best, in a society that expects me to pretend I'm whole. And now I can't afford to be anything less.

I'm feeling pretty much the same. I'm trying to find where in this awful modern society I can best fit in without it corroding me

 

[neohorizon]

At some point you`ll have to make the choice of face your fears and anxiety, as long you run away you are only delaying your problems!

And things only get worse and worse, for example, i`m a 22 yo virgin, i had my chances to have sex when i was younger, but i freaked out and avoided the opportunities. Now i`m almost an adult and i still a virgin and its even harder cause in my age the judgment is higher and in my first time i`ll be even more anxious, i dont have any experience!

I could give so many examples of how skipping, avoiding and quitting things are horrible to our lives, i bet you know it too... but you keep doing! WHY?????

What everybody that is running in circles or with the life frozen need is leave the comfort zone and struggle! This is what a REAL PERSON do!

How do you expect to change your life if still being coward and weak! I`m at this point now, struggling... my first job, doing martial arts and trying to get out more and more.... i`m pretty fine, i tired of daydreaming and lose time, now i prefer feel bad doing things in public but getting out, than stay at home doing nothing, i still feeling bad, but its better than dont move forward!

Maybe you need some enthusiasm, find a reason to fight for, last year i did many things for a girl i was in love, trying to get better for her... (she was my BF) Unfortuanally my struggle wasnt enough and i couldnt date her, but it made i start moving forward (leave the comfort zone)! i`m working now because i started looking for a job to impress her

Now i`m doing for myself, i want to be normal, have a girl friend, a car, be a champion kung fu fighter... so many things


idk man, just trying to help! Bye good luck

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Why do you feel like no person at all when you are at your brother's place? Is it that you have no privacy? Is it an overall bad environment? When I am home, I don't feel well either. The good thing is that you actually have a job, one that you enjoy at that. That is a great thing. Hang onto that. If you get along with your coworkers there maybe you can arrange to see them after work. Many people make their friends at work. It could be a start.

 

[Scrobes]

I'm half of a healthy and functional person, at best, in a society that expects me to pretend I'm whole. And now I can't afford to be anything less.

Wow, I could have written that word for word. :<

I've been so close to posting something like this on my fb: "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that I can be a part of society." or alternatively.. "I can't keep deluding myself that society wants me to be a part of itself." ;o

Anyway.. not sure what to suggest. The crux of the issue, and something I think we all face here, is finding the reason to be. But it's like, if your self-perception methodology process is flawed in the first place, how can this ever truly come to a normal resolution. What I mean is, if you only ever see everything in shades of blue for example, how can you truly operate on a level that is the same as everyone else around you who *does* see the full range of "accepted" colours. But then, at the same time, what you find to be a natural resolution for something is perhaps never going to flawlessly align with another person's resolution of the same issue. So maybe it doesn't even matter as long as you're content with where you end up being? Don't mind me, just thinking out loud.

Ultimately I am struggling to work all of this out too, so I'm sorry for not being much use. And I do *just* the same thing. I watch tv/film/play games, I am a massive escapist. I keep watching Supernatural because I love the camaraderie between the two brothers, and how they always try to save each other, despite some fallouts occasionally. I even have three brothers myself, but it's Sam and Dean's dysfunctionality that eventually becomes union/unison that is so nice to watch. I guess we project our desires/hopes onto the fictional media we watch. I should think that in the end, it is something to do with self-responsibility. Maybe you look at life from a viewpoint of functionality - and when you see no real purpose/service from your current environment your enthusiasm diminishes massively. ;o Not sure. Do you not have a good relationship with the brother you're staying with? ;x

 

[kilojoule]

This post brings me back.

I guess my advice to you is throw yourself into your work, get more hours if you can. If you are happy and confident at work, maybe its because it's an environment you are comfortable in. It gives you a purpose, an identity and a sense of security and accomplishment. That's a good environment to be in. It's good for your confidence and self esteem. It's building you up. If going back to your brothers has the opposite effect, it may be worth thinking about why that is.

Try to keep yourself in positive environments that are encouraging for you.


Keep us updated...pls

 

[Ithior]

At some point you`ll have to make the choice of face your fears and anxiety, as long you run away you are only delaying your problems!

And things only get worse and worse, for example, i`m a 22 yo virgin, i had my chances to have sex when i was younger, but i freaked out and avoided the opportunities. Now i`m almost an adult and i still a virgin and its even harder cause in my age the judgment is higher and in my first time i`ll be even more anxious, i dont have any experience!

I could give so many examples of how skipping, avoiding and quitting things are horrible to our lives, i bet you know it too... but you keep doing! WHY?????

What everybody that is running in circles or with the life frozen need is leave the comfort zone and struggle! This is what a REAL PERSON do!

How do you expect to change your life if still being coward and weak! I`m at this point now, struggling... my first job, doing martial arts and trying to get out more and more.... i`m pretty fine, i tired of daydreaming and lose time, now i prefer feel bad doing things in public but getting out, than stay at home doing nothing, i still feeling bad, but its better than dont move forward!

Maybe you need some enthusiasm, find a reason to fight for, last year i did many things for a girl i was in love, trying to get better for her... (she was my BF) Unfortuanally my struggle wasnt enough and i couldnt date her, but it made i start moving forward (leave the comfort zone)! i`m working now because i started looking for a job to impress her

Now i`m doing for myself, i want to be normal, have a girl friend, a car, be a champion kung fu fighter... so many things


idk man, just trying to help! Bye good luck

Thanks for your post, in the past days I realised that there was no point in finding out why I had these fears, what I should be doing is facing them to overcome them. I'm in a situation similar to yours, your post gives me motivation to actually start facing my fears and get out of my comfort zone.

 

[Valhalla]

At some point you`ll have to make the choice of face your fears and anxiety, as long you run away you are only delaying your problems!

And things only get worse and worse, for example, i`m a 22 yo virgin, i had my chances to have sex when i was younger, but i freaked out and avoided the opportunities. Now i`m almost an adult and i still a virgin and its even harder cause in my age the judgment is higher and in my first time i`ll be even more anxious, i dont have any experience!

I could give so many examples of how skipping, avoiding and quitting things are horrible to our lives, i bet you know it too... but you keep doing! WHY?????

What everybody that is running in circles or with the life frozen need is leave the comfort zone and struggle! This is what a REAL PERSON do!

How do you expect to change your life if still being coward and weak! I`m at this point now, struggling... my first job, doing martial arts and trying to get out more and more.... i`m pretty fine, i tired of daydreaming and lose time, now i prefer feel bad doing things in public but getting out, than stay at home doing nothing, i still feeling bad, but its better than dont move forward!

Maybe you need some enthusiasm, find a reason to fight for, last year i did many things for a girl i was in love, trying to get better for her... (she was my BF) Unfortuanally my struggle wasnt enough and i couldnt date her, but it made i start moving forward (leave the comfort zone)! i`m working now because i started looking for a job to impress her

Now i`m doing for myself, i want to be normal, have a girl friend, a car, be a champion kung fu fighter... so many things

idk man, just trying to help! Bye good luck

Do you realize you're on a social anxiety and depression support forum and you say people are cowardly and weak? Not to mention you instruct how a "real person" is supposedly going to deal with being stuck in a rut?

 

[neohorizon]

Do you realize you're on a social anxiety and depression support forum and you say people are cowardly and weak?

Support isnt only saying happy things and praising, sometimes people need hard words to move on!

and people here cant be coward? I know everything is much harder for us, but sorry, if you accept your fears and dont even look for help... your are weak and coward!

i lost at least 2 years of my life being coward, didnt work neither had a social life! If someone alerted me how it would be self destructive for me...

I'm working now and i really regret that i didnt start before, it isnt the monster i thought it was. Its hard, but better than staying at home doing nothing and without money.

I could be MUCH better now, maybe with a girl friend, driving, more happy!
Time wont come back ;(

Again, i'm just trying to help

 

[Olly]

Support isnt only saying happy things and praising, sometimes people need hard words to move on!

and people here cant be coward? I know everything is much harder for us, but sorry, if you accept your fears and dont even look for help... your are weak and coward!

i lost at least 2 years of my life being coward, didnt work neither had a social life! If someone alerted me how it would be self destructive for me...

I'm working now and i really regret that i didnt start before, it isnt the monster i thought it was. Its hard, but better than staying at home doing nothing and without money.

I could be MUCH better now, maybe with a girl friend, driving, more happy!
Time wont come back ;(

Again, i'm just trying to help

Your intentions are good I can see that and you're right to say that support doesn't have to be praising and happy words all the time, its just the words 'coward' and 'weak' aren't the right words to use on this forum and some may find them insulting.

The definition of 'coward' that is 'A person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things' suggests its the right word to use, but its generally considered to be an insulting term in the English language and 'weak' could also be insulting and in my opinion not true when talking about someone with social phobia or AvPD as we have to go through a lot of crap in our lifetimes, just putting up with it all to me shows we're not weak at all.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Why do you feel like no person at all when you are at your brother's place? Is it that you have no privacy? Is it an overall bad environment? When I am home, I don't feel well either. The good thing is that you actually have a job, one that you enjoy at that. That is a great thing. Hang onto that. If you get along with your coworkers there maybe you can arrange to see them after work. Many people make their friends at work. It could be a start.

I know how you feel. Razzle Dazzle Rose has good advice though.

 

[Ashiene]

Just pray (to an imaginary god) that life is like a roleplaying video game on hardcore mode and when you die, you re-roll a character and hope it's better than the last. I do not believe in reincarnation, but I want to, because at least it will let me have another try at life (no matter what creature I may be reborn as).

 

[neohorizon]

Just pray (to an imaginary god) that life is like a roleplaying video game on hardcore mode and when you die, you re-roll a character and hope it's better than the last. I do not believe in reincarnation, but I want to, because at least it will let me have another try at life (no matter what creature I may be reborn as).

I also like to think that life is a MMORPG!!! i'm the character and the player, this gives me enthusiasm to move on!

As a MMORPG EVERYBODY begin with nothing and as we grow up (play) we gain experience and get better and stronger, each struggle and courage act has a positive reward!

As we constant repeat doing something we get better on it, learn new skills and get stronger, smarter, healthier...

I agree that we werent lucky with this character we got, but i accept this as a challenge, how far can i get on this game playing with this character!

Which quests i'll succeed, achievements i'll get, people and places i'll meet, things i'll buy or get ("itens", clothes, ...), how better my character can look (appearance)...

Dont give up with this life... At least try!

 

[jaim38]

Just pray (to an imaginary god) that life is like a roleplaying video game on hardcore mode and when you die, you re-roll a character and hope it's better than the last. I do not believe in reincarnation, but I want to, because at least it will let me have another try at life (no matter what creature I may be reborn as).

I like the immortality that comes with mmorpgs. Everytime you die, you are reborn again. But I wish we could retain memories from all our past lives so that we gain more wisdom every time we go through life. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes again and again out of ignorance.