No Boyfriend Because of OCD :(

[K86]

I have had OCD sinse i was 8 years old. I am on medication (lexapro) to keep it under control. I still have a thing with germs and making sure things are clean but what really bothers me is that I am 24 years old and never had a boyfriend. I am still a virgin and only ever kissed one boy. I have known this guy for about 6 years and a while ago he asked me out but i was so scared and said we were better as friends, i said no. Now what im scared of is anything sexual. Touching,sensations etc. Any sexual behaviour besides kissing that i am JUST okay with now i freak out and get a huge panic attack and have to talk to my mum. It's like a huge guilt thing that its wrong even though i know its completely normal. I know that my mum and I are really close but anything that goes wrong especially feeling bad about anything sexual i have to tell her to feel okay again...which is stupid because im 24! This guy who is my friend now has a gf and im so upset because i know it could have been me. I let this chance go because of my OCD and i don't know what to do. I cry over the fact i have never had a boyfriend and feel like such a loser. I kind of think relationship means kissing, touching and going further the longer you are with them and I try to avoid these situations because of how they make me feel. Is there anyone like this out there? or know how to help me? Is this even OCD? My doctor doesn't help he just says you will know when the time comes and i don't

 

[Feathers]

Well, I can relate to some of this, not all though..

If you are with someone who really makes you feel special you can sort of forget about these things, at least that was my experience..
Some people also may get a little bit drunk or such..

You may also 'negotiate' things with a bf into what you feel comfortable with.. And if you take things slowly it may be okay.. If you find someone understanding and tolerant it can help too...
Some people also wait until they're married, would something like that be helpful for you?

Were you brought up in a religious way?

 

[ilmatross]

I can't speak about the OCD (I don't have it)

but I know the chance will come again and you will find someone whos right for you who is patient and understanding

You aren't a loser because of how you feel. You can't control how you feel, only recognize it and try to change it.

I wish you the best of luck

 

[Dronee]

Yeah dating or having any type of relationship when you are dealing with OCD is damn near impossible. I have been single for quite sometime now, but it is my decision to be because of my OCD.

I was wondering about this... I mean the idea to stay single due to our problems... but lots of my friends are married, have kids or at least happily attached. And I just wonder how long can one remain single? Isn't it lonely?

 

[Waybuloo]

I feel for you, I've been in a similar situation to you. I don't have OCD with germs and sexual things, but I can't have people look at me up close because I don't want to disgust people, so that ruled out practically anything, even friendship. Seeing that you've been on medication since 8, has it worked at all for you? Maybe taking therapy, e.g. CBT is a better option? Sorry if this isn't the right way, I don't know much about OCD and its treatments. I use my fantasy world to cure most of my ills. If most of what we experience comes down to our interpretation anyways then what's the harm in imagining having a boyfriend in your head?

You should'n't feel like a failure in yourself, name and shame the OCD as the demon, ostracise it from your person. Because after all it's the disorder that's the cultprit, not you.

 

[K86]

Feathers and ilmatross Thanks for your help i get what you mean. Feathers,No not religious just my mother doesn't believe in pre marital sex and im very close to her so if she doesn't approve of something i feel bad if i do it. I want to be more of my own person and have my own beliefs but i find it very hard.
Dronee: Yes i do get very lonely and frustrated that i can't be 'normal' I worry that no one will ever love me, ill never get married or have children. It's even worse when your friends all have had boyfriends and your the only one that hasn't.
Waybuloo: I was thinking of CBT but i don't know how i could use it in this instant? if you get what i mean? lol
Barry you seem quite content living with your OCD? Don't you want to get rid of it ? I always think im missing out on so much because of it.

 

[Feathers]

K86, there's an online dating site for Catholics where no premarital sex is sort of almost a requirement You do have to be Catholic though.. It was still very inspiring to read it. It's called Ave Maria singles if I remember right, try to google it and read some stories. It was very reassuring for me.

With people who are not religious or 'not so religious', I think it's perhaps not so easy to find people who might be understanding and tolerant enough, though if they are very much in love with you they will be understanding.

My parents have been against premarital sex too, very Catholic Though you will find that as you get older and their wishes for grandkids increase, their views may change somewhat!!

Most parents prefer their teenagers to wait, when you're in mid-twenties or older, especially if you finished education and/or have a job, they may wish you to get married and give'em grandkids, and how will you do that if you have dating phobia?? So, your Mom's views may change too..
Maybe she just didn't want you to be a single mom or teenage mom or something like that..
And even if you want to be your own person, it's good to know your parents' views will also be part of you. But their views can change!!

There is a lot of stuff you can do before even coming close to sex though.. Like holding hands, going for a walk together, going for a drink and just talking.. Getting to know each other... If you find deal-breakers you can always end it.. Some people even know how to end it nicely and remain friends with exes..

You can also have a boyfriend and be just platonic.. Though not sure who or how many would go for that.. Probably best to talk about it with the person first, though this may require some skills in diplomacy...

Some people are also 'asexual' and just prefer no physical contact.. There are online forums and articles for this..

Lots of options out there..

 

[Dronee]

@Barry: You beat me man... I've been single since forever lol...

@OP: You really don't need to have sexual relations even if you're in a relationship. Relationships do not mean kissing, sex... etc. It's about just connecting to one another, having someone who'll support you emotionally and be there for you just as you're there for him.

I actually believe in sex only after marriage, but either way, kissing, sex and all that are just expressions of love, trust and support of the relationship. The love itself is the core of the relationship.

 

[3lefts]

Hey, you're not alone. That's for sure, I'm turning 19 and I've prty much avoided any relationship situation that was ever even possible.. and I don't think I'm going to get there anytime soon so I might match your 24. Haha.
Not that it's a laughing matter. At least you managed a friendship with a guy, of course I've been friends with guys but not so close and it was all on their initiative. Whenever they got too close I blushed. I think it was obvious..
My anxiety around anything sexual is the exact same but not for the same reasons, it's not about guilt... it's just something else. But I get really scared too. I intentionally avoid it because I think I'd breakdown and cry or something. I can barely let my best friend touch me and she's a girl. but it just bugs me. So how in hell I'd ever be capable of a relationship is beyond me right now... me me me Enough about me!
Maybe try taking it really slow with someone. You're alright with kissing so just do that until you're comfortable with something just slightly further. Slowly let yourself get comfortable a bit at a time.
That's seems to work with everything. I've started to let my friend practice her reflexology lessons on my hands and it's slowly becoming easier for me to feel ohk with it. So hope that helps. It's all I've got. It's what I'm going to try to do at least.

 

[Felgen]

I have had OCD sinse i was 8 years old. I am on medication (lexapro) to keep it under control. I still have a thing with germs and making sure things are clean but what really bothers me is that I am 24 years old and never had a boyfriend. I am still a virgin and only ever kissed one boy. I have known this guy for about 6 years and a while ago he asked me out but i was so scared and said we were better as friends, i said no. Now what im scared of is anything sexual. Touching,sensations etc. Any sexual behaviour besides kissing that i am JUST okay with now i freak out and get a huge panic attack and have to talk to my mum. It's like a huge guilt thing that its wrong even though i know its completely normal. I know that my mum and I are really close but anything that goes wrong especially feeling bad about anything sexual i have to tell her to feel okay again...which is stupid because im 24! This guy who is my friend now has a gf and im so upset because i know it could have been me. I let this chance go because of my OCD and i don't know what to do. I cry over the fact i have never had a boyfriend and feel like such a loser. I kind of think relationship means kissing, touching and going further the longer you are with them and I try to avoid these situations because of how they make me feel. Is there anyone like this out there? or know how to help me? Is this even OCD? My doctor doesn't help he just says you will know when the time comes and i don't

You're 24, not 54--so there's still plenty of time left to get what you want. Work on the worst parts of your anxiety before you start dating, because there are some guys who prey on insecure girls. Don't feel bad for being a virgin; a lot of guys dream of taking a girl's virginity, but never get the chance to do so.

 

[socialphobiamale]

You say you take Lexapro.
But is Lexapro working to your satisfaction?
I take Lexapro also, and have for years. I have had lifelong severe Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and lifelong severe Depression.
But my physician just recently told me that Lexapro wasn't working for me. I can tell that he's correct.

So now I'm also on Geodon.

But I'm not trying to give you health care advice, just telling you what my recent experience with my meds has been.

 

[just wanna b normal]

i know how to help you its all in your head stop having negative thoughts like oh maybe he wont like or he might hurt me you have to think positive love yourself & accept yourself for who you are!