RoomBound
Well-known member
Greetings,
I wrote what's below to post on a avoidance personality disorder site but, ironically, the web masters seem to be avoiding their own site. It's locked. What's below is within reason for that site, but it's really long for this site. Still, it's a thorough intro so I'll just stick it here.
I like SocialPhobiaWorld for seeing that we're not alone. Others go through similar things. Some complain that they don't get good advice here, but in my limited time lurking, there's some value in seeing that you're not the only oddball in the world. Okay, here goes...
I think it's funny how grammatically-correct all these posts are. No doubt a direct result of all the books we read, using them as our safe, reliable companions. As for me, I'm a natural introvert, which seems to be a disadvantage in life. “Fortune favors the bold.” My siblings are all extroverts. They're younger yet have houses and spouses. I have neither. Some of you are quite functional, attaining career success and/or a marriage in spite of your APD. I'm practically paralyzed by it. I have 3 college degrees but choose menial jobs (janitor, newspaper deliverer) to avoid people. I could afford at least an apartment but live with my 84 year old father on 40 acres in the country; both to help him and for a low-stress hideout. I'm 45, and some people have retired by that age. I feel I haven't even started my career yet. The one thing I can halfway do is write, and I'm working on some manuscripts and songs. If they don't gain traction, I'm in trouble. I recorded a demo CD of 16 of my songs and have been trying to get some local musicians to form a band and promote my stuff, but they all want to join an already successful group and not build one from scratch. But don't all bands have to start from nothing? Hmph.
I got a bachelors in psychology with the hope of counseling, since I do empathize with people and I'm a good listener. Then I learned you need a Masters to do that. I'm horrendous at math and worried about the grad level statistics. Plus the professorial feedback I got is that my responses to (mock) patients was kind of clinical and bland. So there's a four year degree wasted. I went back and got another bachelors in media/public relations and did a TV internship, but the station wouldn't let me do anything but observe. I won some regional awards for columns I'd written in the college newspaper, yet I don't think I even applied to a single media outlet after graduating, figuring I wouldn't be hired or I couldn't do the work if I did get a job. I'm still paying 200 a month over a decade later for that second degree. (Plus I picked up an Associates in the process.) I get discouraged easily and talk myself out of even trying things. Or if I make a halting effort at something, the slightest setback and I'm like, "Yep, I knew it. Forget it." In a sense, I know what one of my problems is--not taking enough chances. I need to force myself to take more risks. Some might work out if I push past the arrows I absorb in the process. Maybe I'll try that eventually, or maybe I won't. LOL
But backing up, when in public as a teen, sometimes strangers would feel free to share their opinion to me that I was ugly. That always amazed me. Who would do something like that? It's probably only happened maybe six times in my life, but it's something that's hard to shake. Funny how we shrug off compliments but insults are fused into our long-term memories.
I was mean to my siblings, as the oldest, because I was frustrated at my looks and my shyness and they didn't have the same problems I had. I'm nice to them now that things have leveled off and we're all peers as adults.
My father was aloof when I was growing up, not teaching me the basics like how to shave or change the oil in my car but taking great delight in ridiculing me for doing something wrong when he should've taught me to do it right. He was a teacher yet if I went to him for homework help, he would so clearly be annoyed by the request, not wanting to be bothered, that I'd have to walk away. My mother was an acid-tongued, domineering criticizer who would casually say the most insulting things to us and never seemed to realize how much it'd hurt. She once breezily suggested to me that if I ever wanted to run away, I should go to New York City because it'd be so easy to get lost in the crowd there. ("Good tip. Thanks Mom!" *chuckling*)
I was quiet in school but had some friends and was usually the best player on the sports teams. I was invisible to most girls, but if I talked a bit they liked my self-deprecating humor (there certainly was plenty of material I could mine). Yet if I dated some of them, other classmates would call the girls sluts because they were so pretty and I was so unattractive. Needless to say, that put a damper on things.
In adulthood, I've had several multi-year romantic relationships but they were the ones who almost always broke it off. I suspect it was a pragmatic financial decision on their part, since I didn't have much money. But I didn't press for their thinking, because it would of course be negatives about me. Others I've broken it off with, since it just didn't seem to be a close enough match to form a lifelong partnership around. I don't understand how some people seem to find/have their perfect mate and for others it's just not in the cards.
For many years now I've looked into the woods and just wanted to walk in there and never come out. I didn't want to disappoint my family by killing myself and I don't want to meet God on those terms, so I thought of an alternative strategy. If I were ever in a solo accident, I could just wait and not seek help and bleed out. That's technically not suicide, right?
I have only two friends, both online senior citizen pen pals. Since I don't go out much, I don't really have many opportunities to meet others and 99 % of the time I'm okay with that.
What gets me is decisions that don't seem to have some possible positives to them. Should I confront this scoffer for snickering at something I said? He'll realize he has no good explanation for his behavior and just turn it around and look at me like I'm crazy as a defense. Should I choose between loneliness or stinging rejection? Should I explode in anger at this person who laughed at me without cause, or just absorb it? Great choices, huh?
APD is similar to the Melancholy in the four temperaments theory. That's what I am, and I suspect many of you are (the third one over from the left). There's a reason they call it Melancholy. See the positive and negative traits below:
___Animated........___Adventurous.....___Analytical......___Adaptable
___Playful............___Persuasive........___Persistent.......___Peaceful
___Sociable.........___Strong willed.....___Self-sacrificing..___Submissive
___Convincing.....___Competitive.......___Considerate....___Controlled
___Refreshing.....___Resourceful...___Respectful........___Reserved
___Spirited..........___Self-reliant.....___Sensitive........___Satisfied
___Promoter........___Positive.........___Planner............___Patient
___Optimistic.......___Outspoken.....___Scheduled.......___Shy
___Spontaneous..___Sure..............___Orderly............___Obliging
___Funny.............___Forceful.........___Faithful............___Friendly
___Delightful.........___Daring...........___Detailed...........___Diplomatic
___Cheerful..........___Confident.......___Cultured...........___Consistent
___Inspiring..........___Independent....___Idealist............___Inoffensive
___Demonstrative.___Decisive..........___Deep...............___Dry Humor
___Mixes Easily.....___Mover.............___Musical............___Mediator
___Talker..............___Tenacious......___Thoughtful........___Tolerant
___Lively...............___Leader............___Loyal................___Listener
___Cute.................___Chief..............___Chart-maker......___Contented
___Popular............___Productive......___Perfectionist......___Permissive
___Bouncy.............___Bold................___Behaved............___Balanced
P E R S O N A L I T Y......P L U S......T E S T.... (PART 2)
--------------W E A K N E S S E S -------------------
___Brassy............___Bossy................___Bashful............___Blank
___Undisciplined..___Unsympathetic..___Unforgiving.....___Unenthusiastic
___Repetitious.....___Resistant........___Resentful............___Reticent
___Forgetful........___Frank...............___Fussy.................___Fearful
___Interrupts.......___Impatient..........___Insecure.............___Indecisive
___Unpredictable.___Unaffectionate.___Unpopular..........___Uninvolved
___Haphazard......___Headstrong......___Hard to Please....___Hesitant
___Permissive.......___Proud..............___Pessimistic..........___Plain
___Angered Easily.___Argumentative.___Alienated............___Aimless
___Naive................___Nervy...............___Negative Attitude.___Nonchalant
___Wants Credit.....___Workaholic......___Withdrawn...........___Worrier
___Talkative............___Tactless.........___Too Sensitive.......___Timid
___Disorganized......___Domineering...___Depressed...........___Doubtful
___Inconsistent........___Intolerant........___Introvert...............___Indifferent
___Messy.................___Manipulative...___Moody.................___Mumbles
___Show-Off.............___Stubborn........___Skeptical..............___Slow
___Loud....................___Lord Over Others.___Loner.............___Lazy
___Scatterbrained.....___Short-tempered....___Suspicious......___Sluggish
___Restless...............___Rash....................___Revengeful......___Reluctant
___Changeable..........___Crafty..................___Critical..............___Compromising
Florence Littauer, Personality Plus[/B]
I was so happy when I found out about the four temperaments theory. It's very accurate and helps us to understand ourselves and others.
Well, there you have it. Thanks for reading my intro,
Bill
I wrote what's below to post on a avoidance personality disorder site but, ironically, the web masters seem to be avoiding their own site. It's locked. What's below is within reason for that site, but it's really long for this site. Still, it's a thorough intro so I'll just stick it here.
I like SocialPhobiaWorld for seeing that we're not alone. Others go through similar things. Some complain that they don't get good advice here, but in my limited time lurking, there's some value in seeing that you're not the only oddball in the world. Okay, here goes...
I think it's funny how grammatically-correct all these posts are. No doubt a direct result of all the books we read, using them as our safe, reliable companions. As for me, I'm a natural introvert, which seems to be a disadvantage in life. “Fortune favors the bold.” My siblings are all extroverts. They're younger yet have houses and spouses. I have neither. Some of you are quite functional, attaining career success and/or a marriage in spite of your APD. I'm practically paralyzed by it. I have 3 college degrees but choose menial jobs (janitor, newspaper deliverer) to avoid people. I could afford at least an apartment but live with my 84 year old father on 40 acres in the country; both to help him and for a low-stress hideout. I'm 45, and some people have retired by that age. I feel I haven't even started my career yet. The one thing I can halfway do is write, and I'm working on some manuscripts and songs. If they don't gain traction, I'm in trouble. I recorded a demo CD of 16 of my songs and have been trying to get some local musicians to form a band and promote my stuff, but they all want to join an already successful group and not build one from scratch. But don't all bands have to start from nothing? Hmph.
I got a bachelors in psychology with the hope of counseling, since I do empathize with people and I'm a good listener. Then I learned you need a Masters to do that. I'm horrendous at math and worried about the grad level statistics. Plus the professorial feedback I got is that my responses to (mock) patients was kind of clinical and bland. So there's a four year degree wasted. I went back and got another bachelors in media/public relations and did a TV internship, but the station wouldn't let me do anything but observe. I won some regional awards for columns I'd written in the college newspaper, yet I don't think I even applied to a single media outlet after graduating, figuring I wouldn't be hired or I couldn't do the work if I did get a job. I'm still paying 200 a month over a decade later for that second degree. (Plus I picked up an Associates in the process.) I get discouraged easily and talk myself out of even trying things. Or if I make a halting effort at something, the slightest setback and I'm like, "Yep, I knew it. Forget it." In a sense, I know what one of my problems is--not taking enough chances. I need to force myself to take more risks. Some might work out if I push past the arrows I absorb in the process. Maybe I'll try that eventually, or maybe I won't. LOL
But backing up, when in public as a teen, sometimes strangers would feel free to share their opinion to me that I was ugly. That always amazed me. Who would do something like that? It's probably only happened maybe six times in my life, but it's something that's hard to shake. Funny how we shrug off compliments but insults are fused into our long-term memories.
I was mean to my siblings, as the oldest, because I was frustrated at my looks and my shyness and they didn't have the same problems I had. I'm nice to them now that things have leveled off and we're all peers as adults.
My father was aloof when I was growing up, not teaching me the basics like how to shave or change the oil in my car but taking great delight in ridiculing me for doing something wrong when he should've taught me to do it right. He was a teacher yet if I went to him for homework help, he would so clearly be annoyed by the request, not wanting to be bothered, that I'd have to walk away. My mother was an acid-tongued, domineering criticizer who would casually say the most insulting things to us and never seemed to realize how much it'd hurt. She once breezily suggested to me that if I ever wanted to run away, I should go to New York City because it'd be so easy to get lost in the crowd there. ("Good tip. Thanks Mom!" *chuckling*)
I was quiet in school but had some friends and was usually the best player on the sports teams. I was invisible to most girls, but if I talked a bit they liked my self-deprecating humor (there certainly was plenty of material I could mine). Yet if I dated some of them, other classmates would call the girls sluts because they were so pretty and I was so unattractive. Needless to say, that put a damper on things.
In adulthood, I've had several multi-year romantic relationships but they were the ones who almost always broke it off. I suspect it was a pragmatic financial decision on their part, since I didn't have much money. But I didn't press for their thinking, because it would of course be negatives about me. Others I've broken it off with, since it just didn't seem to be a close enough match to form a lifelong partnership around. I don't understand how some people seem to find/have their perfect mate and for others it's just not in the cards.
For many years now I've looked into the woods and just wanted to walk in there and never come out. I didn't want to disappoint my family by killing myself and I don't want to meet God on those terms, so I thought of an alternative strategy. If I were ever in a solo accident, I could just wait and not seek help and bleed out. That's technically not suicide, right?
I have only two friends, both online senior citizen pen pals. Since I don't go out much, I don't really have many opportunities to meet others and 99 % of the time I'm okay with that.
What gets me is decisions that don't seem to have some possible positives to them. Should I confront this scoffer for snickering at something I said? He'll realize he has no good explanation for his behavior and just turn it around and look at me like I'm crazy as a defense. Should I choose between loneliness or stinging rejection? Should I explode in anger at this person who laughed at me without cause, or just absorb it? Great choices, huh?
APD is similar to the Melancholy in the four temperaments theory. That's what I am, and I suspect many of you are (the third one over from the left). There's a reason they call it Melancholy. See the positive and negative traits below:
___Animated........___Adventurous.....___Analytical......___Adaptable
___Playful............___Persuasive........___Persistent.......___Peaceful
___Sociable.........___Strong willed.....___Self-sacrificing..___Submissive
___Convincing.....___Competitive.......___Considerate....___Controlled
___Refreshing.....___Resourceful...___Respectful........___Reserved
___Spirited..........___Self-reliant.....___Sensitive........___Satisfied
___Promoter........___Positive.........___Planner............___Patient
___Optimistic.......___Outspoken.....___Scheduled.......___Shy
___Spontaneous..___Sure..............___Orderly............___Obliging
___Funny.............___Forceful.........___Faithful............___Friendly
___Delightful.........___Daring...........___Detailed...........___Diplomatic
___Cheerful..........___Confident.......___Cultured...........___Consistent
___Inspiring..........___Independent....___Idealist............___Inoffensive
___Demonstrative.___Decisive..........___Deep...............___Dry Humor
___Mixes Easily.....___Mover.............___Musical............___Mediator
___Talker..............___Tenacious......___Thoughtful........___Tolerant
___Lively...............___Leader............___Loyal................___Listener
___Cute.................___Chief..............___Chart-maker......___Contented
___Popular............___Productive......___Perfectionist......___Permissive
___Bouncy.............___Bold................___Behaved............___Balanced
P E R S O N A L I T Y......P L U S......T E S T.... (PART 2)
--------------W E A K N E S S E S -------------------
___Brassy............___Bossy................___Bashful............___Blank
___Undisciplined..___Unsympathetic..___Unforgiving.....___Unenthusiastic
___Repetitious.....___Resistant........___Resentful............___Reticent
___Forgetful........___Frank...............___Fussy.................___Fearful
___Interrupts.......___Impatient..........___Insecure.............___Indecisive
___Unpredictable.___Unaffectionate.___Unpopular..........___Uninvolved
___Haphazard......___Headstrong......___Hard to Please....___Hesitant
___Permissive.......___Proud..............___Pessimistic..........___Plain
___Angered Easily.___Argumentative.___Alienated............___Aimless
___Naive................___Nervy...............___Negative Attitude.___Nonchalant
___Wants Credit.....___Workaholic......___Withdrawn...........___Worrier
___Talkative............___Tactless.........___Too Sensitive.......___Timid
___Disorganized......___Domineering...___Depressed...........___Doubtful
___Inconsistent........___Intolerant........___Introvert...............___Indifferent
___Messy.................___Manipulative...___Moody.................___Mumbles
___Show-Off.............___Stubborn........___Skeptical..............___Slow
___Loud....................___Lord Over Others.___Loner.............___Lazy
___Scatterbrained.....___Short-tempered....___Suspicious......___Sluggish
___Restless...............___Rash....................___Revengeful......___Reluctant
___Changeable..........___Crafty..................___Critical..............___Compromising
Florence Littauer, Personality Plus[/B]
I was so happy when I found out about the four temperaments theory. It's very accurate and helps us to understand ourselves and others.
Well, there you have it. Thanks for reading my intro,
Bill
