Need help; mother's boyfriend

[Etbow23]

Okay, this is long but please read, I really need help right now..

My mother has had her boyfriend living in our house for some time now..maybe over a year (not sure exactly). When he moved in, my mother did not consult me, but rather told me a couple days before he moved in that he was moving in. The odd thing is that he has sons who live in his house about an hour away, who she has met maybe once or twice, no more (during this entire year + of their relationship). I find it strange that he has moved in and they have remained rent-free in his house (one is my age) without even seeing her ever. I find that a bit unfair that I am yet again subjected to change, and anxiety about having an unknown man (who is very tall and large) living in my house (I have had bad experiences). A couple months before that she had a boyfriend who passed from lung cancer (who i was very close to) and shortly before that (and during) she was married to my ex-stepfather, who was very abusive (he was my stepfather all through my childhood). I haven't spoken to him since I called the police on him the night before he left (he threw beer in my mother's eyes) but he has made my mother's life hell in the divorce process and continues to do so with the house they jointly own that I live in (long story). So there has been many changes.

The reason I'm posting this in social anxiety is because I believe my experiences with my stepfather and my mother's relationships has contributed to my development of social anxiety.

Today I was very upset with something that happened and I need help. I don't know whether I was overreacting, but I feel as if my mother and him haven't been respecting my feelings in regards to him staying here. Her boyfriend can be nice, but sometimes he repulses me and annoys me so much. She was not home this morning, and I heard him in the kitchen being really rude to a customer service rep on the phone, saying stuff like "you don't know how to do your job!" and "I hope you understand how I feel" blah blah blah.

I was upset by this because I've seen him mistreat people like this before, which bothers me because I work in customer service so I feel as if he doesn't respect that that could be me. I've seen him do this to cashiers, all types of people. So I texted my mom saying this really bothered me and how he repulsed me. I hear her call him downstairs (his voice carries far) and he's denying everything, saying that he was being "very polite" and that I "was out of line for calling" my mother. She gets home a few minutes later and demands a meeting between us. I complain because I'm having a lot of anxiety and I'm in my bathrobe, and I didn't appreciate her telling him what I said.

Then in the hall he DENIES that he ever said "you don't know how to do your job" and accused me of falsely accusing him of things by saying "I'm not the one falsely accusing anyone". Before that, my mother was saying that basically if I can't live here in harmony, then I should find someplace to live, because "she doesn't have time for this". At that point I became very upset, slammed by door and yelled that I was leaving tonight and she'd have to choose between me and him. Then I hear him say I falsely accused him, and I called him a fck*ing as*hole, and I don't appreciate being accused of lying because my ex stepfather used to deny that he was abusive and say I was a liar and all types of things, and make me sound like a crazy liar. I started crying and my mother forced her way in my door & tried to further work things out, and her boyfriend was saying i'm sorry though a minute ago he was saying "I'm sorry she feels that way"-basically lying and being a jerk.

I don't know if I can tolerate this. He's been nice to me sometimes, giving me money here and there when I really need, and he filled my gas tank a couple weeks ago...but his behavior sometimes is downright rude. Sometimes he has cut me off mid sentence, that type of thing . He is very brash. I often have anxiety talking to him because of his mannerisms. I can't move out. My boyfriend lives here too (he was at work when this happened).

I'd be living in my car, poor as hell if i did that because I don't make enough money and where I live cost of living is sky-high.

I need advice. Was I being ridiculous in this situation??? I feel as if they haven't been sensitive to my past experiences with my ex stepfather.

And sorry for the long post, thanks for reading if you did.

 

[mmmm]

Wow. This guy sounds exactly like one of my dad's girlfriends from when I was little. I fought back in my own way and some of my offensives actually worked although they ended up breaking up on their own. (She actually showed up at his funeral with a photo of him that she still carried around although they couldn't have seen each other in the last three years of his life.

Anyway. Enough of my rubbish. This is what I would do in your shoes.

First of all, you won't gain the upper hand in this situation if you're trying to force your stepdad issues on them. Harsh words but I wish somebody had said them to me. I know how badly you need to deal with this. Believe me I KNOW. But what you need to aim for right now is credibility, which is difficult if you're starting conversations that place you in the role of the hurt child.

My first active steps would be to try to increase my own importance in my mother's life. In layman's terms: you need to suck up to your mother a little. Nothing over the top. Just be a sympathetic ear. When the world is revolting to her, well, at least she has her wonderful daughter. When her boyfriend is flying off the handle, no problem, you are calm and supportive. After a few days of this, who do you think she will believe the next time you and the man have an argument.

As for dealing with the man himself, I would practice a facial expression of contented idiocy for when you are alone with him. Try to keep it up when he is going on at you. It will make you seem untouchable, which is a turn-off for his type. Responding to him in anger will only feed his need. I myself would try to take tiny little revenges whenever he is in one of his moods. Small harmless things like hiding his car keys in a place where he might have accidentally put them himself, a piece of raw seafood in his pants pocket before he puts them on for the day... That kind of thing.

 

[Etbow23]

As for dealing with the man himself, I would practice a facial expression of contented idiocy for when you are alone with him. Try to keep it up when he is going on at you. It will make you seem untouchable, which is a turn-off for his type. Responding to him in anger will only feed his need. I myself would try to take tiny little revenges whenever he is in one of his moods. Small harmless things like hiding his car keys in a place where he might have accidentally put them himself, a piece of raw seafood in his pants pocket before he puts them on for the day... That kind of thing.

Lmao..."his type". I'm afraid to take silent revenges though...lol. Good point about the "untouchable-ness". He doesn't often go directly at me, though. It's his mannerisms towards me I dislike.

 

[MikeyC]

Because you have anxiety from your mother's past relationships, anything bad he does is going to be exacerbated in your mind, but from what you've told us about his lying and stuff, it doesn't sound like he's going to be the most pleasant person to be living with.

Obviously your living space is now invaded by a new person and that's going to take some adjusting. Your mother suddenly springing this on you a few days prior hasn't given you enough time to be resilient. This is all one big concoction of bad.

If possible, you need to talk to your mum. I can sense you will eventually lose your wits if it remains this way. You might even have a breakdown of some kind.

Good luck.

 

[Silatuyok]

I don't know what to tell you, except that I once was in a similar situation, living with my mom while our respective boyfriends both lived with us, in a rather small 2-bedroom house. It was a nightmare. I can feel your pain.

 

[Etbow23]

Sucks; because of my mother's actions now i can feel his hostility whenever we are in the same room, like a minute ago. fml
what pisses me off is that this has been my home for...12 years? And now I have to feel uncomfortable in my own house because this joker is here for what , a year? makes me so mad.
also he smelled really bad which makes me irritated. lol

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

My mother's behavior when my elder sister was a teenager- is the entire reason she resents mom and treats her like garbage whenever she comes to visit on holidays.
Can't say I really blame her... I'm not one to hold grudges. (were I, though- I wouldn't be living with her now and putting up with her silly habits.)
Mom has been in 'relationship' after 'relationship' with some of the worst scumbag guys you can imagine- guys who would beat her and treat her like crap, and she would take it... and then cheat on them.
Never a single healthy relationship.
And that is what I put up with as a child and still don't understand about her.

My suggestion for you is to talk with her about how her decisions are effecting you- her CHILD her BLOOD.
You will have that connection with her forever; and some dude she's dating will not.
If she wants you to have any respect for her, she should take your opinion and feelings into consideration and speak with you like an adult. Figure out a solution.
If you can't talk with her face to face about it seriously without her exploding; then try writing a letter.

 

[Etbow23]

But I can't help but wonder... given that he does favours for you sometimes... maybe it's just that he feels a little awkward around you... maybe because you're not his child he's unsure of how to speak/treat you sometimes. I think a lot of times such signs of rage can be the result of an inner anxiety/insecurity and maybe that's why he acts like such a jerk sometimes.

True--I do think that underneath his demeanor he is insecure and also pretty sensitive to what i say or how i act.

If you can't talk with her face to face about it seriously without her exploding; then try writing a letter.

I may try the letter; she makes it very difficult to talk to her. However, even the letter would be difficult. She usually appears to disregard these things. Or maybe she doesn't she just doesn't know how to react to me.


Good news is that I don't feel like he's mad at me anymore. But the situation is still awkward.