Need advice! - boyfriend talking about breaking up due to his depression...

[Saraswati]

I suffer from social anxiety and depression... I had social anxiety since I was little and I have been depressed for about a year and a half now but I think I have been prone to getting depressed for a long time before. I started taking medication (Zoloft) about 2 months ago.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now (yes, the timing was really bad). He is the sweetest thing ever when he is not in one of his moods. He takes care of me, listens to me, always makes time for me, wants me to get along well with his parents and just simply adores me. He also suffers from depression but it's difficult for me to understand because he doesn't talk us much about it as I do.... But when he gets like this it is a whole different story. He gets angry, everything irritates him and he starts talking about what he hates about me and what annoys him, he takes everything as an insult and starts defending himself and attacking etc. We have had a few bumps along the road - mainly because of our depression. Every time he was feeling really down he would come to me with a proposal to break up. He always said that he cares for me and that he does not want to break up really but that it would be the best for me. I always refused and said that I want to be there for him.
(It would be probably good to mention that he is not very social and the only serious realtionship he got in ended up with him being dumped. He took it really hard and now he is afraid of destroying the walls he has built because is afraid of being hurt again - those are his words.)

Yesterday this happened again. But it sounded a bit more serious.
Some of the things he said were: "I don't want to drag you down.", "If we break up you will found someone better soon enough. And me.... it doesn't matter if I suffer.", "I am always living in the past", "I always make the wrong decision and end up hurting you...", "I know that I will regret breaking up with you" and some pretty hurtful statements like: "I feel like I don't cherish you....I feel like I am the only person on this planet and everything and everyone around me are just objects (including me)....", "When I go out I have a strong desire to walk up to a hot girl and be with her", "I feel like there is one perfect person for everyone and that you are not that person for me" etc. :sad:

I don't know what to think... I am so confused right now....
I started thinking about whether everything until now was just a lie.... Did he ever had feelings for me? Does he have feelings for me and this is just his depression talking??!!
I heard that depression is not the same for men and women...When I am really depressed I start thinking about how I am dragging him down but I never propose that we should break up. And it really hurts when he says things like that to me.

Even so.... I don't want to leave him. I love him so much and all I want is for him to be happy. I want to be there for him like he is always there for me. I want us to break free from depression and start living the life that are human being is supposed to live - a happy one.

So.... I need your opinions.
Do you think that this is just his depression talking? What do you think I should do?

 

[LoyalXenite]

I think you should talk to him and explain to him how hurtful some of the things he says are, explain that you want a happy life with him and try to find some medium for you both to achieve that.

If that doesnt work, as horrible as it is, you may be better off without him. The hurtful things he is saying will make it harder for you to deal with your own depression. You deserve to have someone who treats you kindly and if he isnt willing to do that he isnt the right person for you.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Is your boyfriend in therapy? If not, he needs to go in therapy. As much as you love each other, statements like those (in addition to your and his depression) will eventually tear you apart. He needs to learn better coping strategies.

If he doesn't go into therapy then I think you should consider parting ways. Also, if you guys plan on getting married, I would recommend couples therapy as well.

 

[jc972]

I'm sorry the both of you are going through this. I have had times of depression that lasted for months and during those times I said a lot of hurtful things to my wife. Later when I realized what I'd done I couldn't apologize enough. The thought that I was hurtful to her was depressing in itself. Maybe he says things like that as a way of venting frustration? Have you told him that it hurts your feelings when he does that? I believe that at one time or another every couple talks of breakup/divorce. Some years ago my wife threatened divorce if I didn't talk to a therapist. I went. Then she begged and pleaded until I stopped drinking. When I got depressed and started drinking I'd often say hurtful things that I didn't realize I was doing until she told me. I'm going the long way around the barn to say that maybe he don't realize what it's doing to you. If he knows and does it anyway, try being apart and see how it works but if he cares as much as you say, he will apologize profusely and try not to do those things any more. I really really hope things work out for y'all cause it sounds like a great relationship other than that.

 

[Saraswati]

He is currently not in therapy. He either thinks that it won't help him or that he should be able to deal with this on his own....
I agree with you that he should go. I will try!

I don't know about parting ways just because of this. The way I see it we should help and support each other. Breaking up with someone just because he suffers for depression seems wrong to me... I would much rather work this out.
It would be different if he would never treat me kindly - I would consider it then.... But he does.

It is just when he is at his worst.... It's not screaming or anything like that. I also see that he suffers while he says those things... Maybe even more than I do when I hear them. I think he is very confused.

jc972 - thank you for your comment! It gave me hope. I think it is possible that he is just venting frustrations as you have said. I think he knows but can't help himself and that's why he wants to break up with me so he won't hurt me like this.
I really hope your relationship is doing better now. Keep on fighting!
And yes, other than that it is great. If it wouldn't be I wouldn't even write here ^^

If I knew for a fact that this is just his depression talking I want to fight. I could see past the hurtful words and see the pain behind them. I want to do that for him.
I don't think this will make my depression worse if this is the case. It would make it worse if I would give up and lose such an important person in my life.

 

[Hellhound]

Let him know that you're getting even more hurt when he says that. He doesn't have to break up, he can just try therapy, for his sake and yours. Tell him that you're willing to help, and pushing everyone away isn't going to make things any better. He needs support.

 

[jc972]

jc972 - thank you for your comment! It gave me hope. I think it is possible that he is just venting frustrations as you have said. I think he knows but can't help himself and that's why he wants to break up with me so he won't hurt me like this.
I really hope your relationship is doing better now. Keep on fighting!
And yes, other than that it is great. If it wouldn't be I wouldn't even write here ^^

It's doing much better now. This was years ago. I went through the same thing with not wanting to talk to a therapist. I really think it would help but if he can work through it by himself or with you thats great too

 

[Saraswati]

Hellhound - I think he knows it's hurting me, that's why he wants to break up. And I think that the reason he is telling me everything that crosses his mind is because I really hate lying and said to him I rather see people tell me the truth even though it hurts.
I agree with him needing therapy and support. I am trying to achieve that he gets both.

jc972 - That is really good to hear! I hope you guys can keep it up and make things even better :thumbup:

 

[xfactishappy]

He should get medical intervention, I am pretty well sure that this is his depression talking, he loves you and he just does not you to be part of his darkness, like many of us sometimes feel. Just convince him to get therapy, I had this irrational logic that if my mind is 'controlled' by medicine, i would no longer be me... pretty stupid right?

I think you two are good for eachother, you can understand each other better and walk up together to the better days.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

In my opinion, your boyfriend seems to be careless of the choice of words he uses around you. Saying these things to you will not make the problem better if that's what he thinks. This is why I do not want relationships with guys who are unwilling to accept what is. You may get your boyfriend to understand your problems are not easy and he needs to also realize to be more encouraging rather than degrading you to make you feel worthless. Although, breaking up was the first thing to come to mind, but I'd say give it a second chance to see if it gets any better. I'm sorry you're going through this sweetheart.

 

[Saraswati]

Thank you xfactishappy! I hope you are right!
And I think he thinks so too (about the medicine).... :bigsmile:

I love lions - I don't think he's being careless. More like following my wish that he always tells me the truth. And if he's feeling like crap and everything around him seems awful to him.... that's what he tells me. At least I have come to believe this.

I must say that he has been back to his usual self for the last two days. And he has been great. Very loving and supporting.
I guess telling him that I am here for him no matter what does help in getting him normalized.