Sure, go ahead I like long tragic stories.
"Darkness is just invisible light" Thats the best quote i heard in my life..lol. it doesn't seem to even try seeing despair and so no need for light to bring hope..! love it..
Anyway here is my stupid life....
As a kid in school i used to talk a lot in class, i was in detention most of the time or in india they actually beat you with a wooden scale and ask you to kneel outside class if you dont listen because i just loved talking to people sitting next to me..lol..They could never shut me up because class was so dam boring because my mom already had taught me the whole chapter the previous day at home and i didnt bother to listen.. Teachers hated me because i cant shut the hell up. In a way my mom helping me in my home work was the reason i did not like studies because she was monotonous and she used to beat me if i did not memories something correctly,so studies was drag for me from the beginning. I hated it because its so not life and just force feeding.
Here is s bit from an hindi movie that sort of resembles my childhood..the kid in the movie is dyslexic but i wasnt,either way i didnt pay attention,life is bit diffrent than in the US.
Dont worry it has english sub-titles .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKkLOp-4V8U
As a teenager i sort of blossomed well, i was confident,rebellious and had loads of attitude.I sort of had this puppy confidence of not knowing the consequence of anything in life. I used to party a lot and had loads of friends but my grades slipped and i started falling back, i lost an year in school but had no interest to study. It was just my academics i guess i kept dropping out and my dad kept forcing me back into it as i kept falling back i used to feel shy introducing myself to my peers becoz i just dropped an year in school!! So i started feeling very shy every time someone asked "what are you doing now".. They put me into professional tennis too so i had to give time for that as well, as the years went by no luck i didnt do well becoz i hated math but my dad wanted me to be an engineer and a tennis player at any cost but i was already breaking of from the mold and started being a rebellious teenager and not listening to anyone becoz i was frustrated, i finally finished school when i was 21yrs and i lost 4 years i guess and my dad and i eagerly joined engg in a different city in india and i joined hostel. It should have been obvious to me that i would not make it but i joined just to make my dad happy!! but i could not hang on and drooped out by the end of second semester and my dad was still forceing me to continue, thats when i realized my life was getting hijacked! So then i finally out grew my dads pestering obsession and i quite engg and took my own path and joined as an management student in another collage.. i loved the new course there was no math and i loved all the subjects which included behavioral science etc., which i like.. i even became a leader in a student union but by then i was already 23yrs and most kids in my class where 18yrs old and just out of school( i have little balding so i look older than i should) so i wasnt comfortable with them they used to keep making fun of me, calling me names like uncle and grandpa and i felt so humiliated, there was this time in stage when some one yelled out uncle and the whole auditorium laughed i guess my ego started cracking up finally.. i felt humiliated but laughed and got down. All the 3yrs i felt humiliated every day and no one wanted to be my friend and could not relate to anyone because i was older and i was bored of those silly parties and experimenting with alcohol because i had already found my adulthood.
I began feeling very nervous while talking because i felt i did not fit and eveyone saw me as an outsider who was not interested in what they did. As the signs of my anxiety started showing out people also started feeling it and i used to walk away feeling embraced.. It sort of started a vicious cycle of thinking about my anxiety all the time because i did not want to look so fragile out side. As my mind started building a new pattern of thinking about itself rather than life outside i began to get obsessed and self concerned.
By the end of collage i could not sit in class and some how managed to finish my final exams and returned back home. For some odd ****en reason i sat at home and tried to reason with my fear, i tried to stop it by askeing questions and diving within myself. I was soon obsessed with the fear and everything else became less important. I developed a new pattern of being concerned about the fear than listening outside to what people are saying.
Its partly because of the books i read, i thought the answers where in thought never realized that thought is like a spiders web the more you wiggle the more you get entangled in the same pattern. Now i cant find the way out, cant find it in me to concentrate with interest of what other people are saying without listening to my own doubts inside and freeking out.
I bet no one understood a word i said because my life is a bit diffrent from others, some of you hear have always had the fear and may be you cant relate to how my life is. Anyway thanks for reading if you did read.
