My "whatever" journal.

[Insanewoman389]

I'm just gonna rant:

Its late and I keep thinking about the future which is making me upset and anxious and I just....I wish I had gone to bed sooner. When its late and so quiet I get anxious I hate it! I'm so depressed and it just feels like the future is nothing but a big black hole of nothing! I'm sorry I just needed to get this out.

 

[Nathália]

I'm just gonna rant:

Its late and I keep thinking about the future which is making me upset and anxious and I just....I wish I had gone to bed sooner. When its late and so quiet I get anxious I hate it! I'm so depressed and it just feels like the future is nothing but a big black hole of nothing! I'm sorry I just needed to get this out.

Ah. It feels so much better when you get things out. Putting it out there and leaving it, is great. It is very hard to think in the present sometimes. That thought sneaks it way into my head even when I am busy but I worry about it less. I do things in the now that will have an impact on the future. I learn how to do new things so I can be proud for now and pull it out one day or a skill Ive learned look back on it. Life is stressful and depression, icky. A journal can have an impact because you can reflect on progress. Rant!

 

[Raijin]

i dont blame you its always good to take those thoughts out and put them on a table

 

[MikeyC]

Yay, Insanewoman's journal!

You'll be fine. It's a matter of changing your thinking patterns when you go to sleep. Sorry to hear you can't sleep, though. ::

 

[Insanewoman389]

Yay, Insanewoman's journal!

You'll be fine. It's a matter of changing your thinking patterns when you go to sleep. Sorry to hear you can't sleep, though. ::

I'm glad your so excited about my journal lol

I hope so cause this is just killing me. Its not your fault, besides having you to talk to me is helping

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad your so excited about my journal lol

I hope so cause this is just killing me. Its not your fault, besides having you to talk to me is helping

It wouldn't exactly be helping you, you poor girl. ::

I'm glad I can help any way I can.

 

[Insanewoman389]

i dont blame you its always good to take those thoughts out and put them on a table

Thanks I do feel better now that I've gotten it off my chest :]

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 11, 2011:

Well not much to put but I slept all day lol Probably put this on here a lot seeing as I do that a lot. I'm in a some what good mood though so that's good, but its probably just because its not 2 in the morning lol I'm looking forward to getting a Ipod case that I order cause it should be here tomorrow (monday 12th) so that's something good! And Christmas will be soon and I can open my gifts finally!! haha

Well that's all :]

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 11 2011:

Felt like adding this, I wish I hadn't slept all day cause that means I'll probably end up staying up late and that's when the anxiety and sadness starts :/

OH once upon a time the show is really good tonight lol

 

[MikeyC]

I know the feeling of sleeping too much, which is what has happened right now. I have 10 minutes before having to get ready for work. Ugh.

 

[Insanewoman389]

I know the feeling of sleeping too much, which is what has happened right now. I have 10 minutes before having to get ready for work. Ugh.

Oh well at least your well rested lol Sorry you gotta go to work though.

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 12 2011:

Well I just had a complete break down its so hard to explain, I can't stop thinking and the idea of having any kind of feelings and just the thought of the future scares me so much! I just balled and screamed, screamed for heaven's sake! I just can't wait till I die or I wish I couldn't feel anything. I'm sorry for posting again so soon but I just had to put this on here, get out so to speak.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry to hear that! You need something else to fill your thoughts rather than the future. You poor girl. I wish there was more I can do.

And no, you're not dying, because then I will lose a friend.

 

[Insanewoman389]

I'm sorry to hear that! You need something else to fill your thoughts rather than the future. You poor girl. I wish there was more I can do.

And no, you're not dying, because then I will lose a friend.

I'm trying but even that only last for so long :/ Trust me you do a lot

lol I didn't mean like killing myself I just meant I can't wait till I'm 80 and pretty much passing away.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm trying but even that only last for so long :/ Trust me you do a lot

lol I didn't mean like killing myself I just meant I can't wait till I'm 80 and pretty much passing away.

I don't know what I can tell you. It's certainly making you feel terrible by thinking of the future, and I wish I could help you overcome that. I don't like thinking of it, either, because I hate to see how little I've accomplished in 5 or 10 years, so I try to block those thoughts out. It's not a good thing.

That's just as bad! You're wishing your life away when you're so young and you have a real chance of overcoming your panic attacks. That's so sad. ::

 

[Insanewoman389]

I don't know what I can tell you. It's certainly making you feel terrible by thinking of the future, and I wish I could help you overcome that. I don't like thinking of it, either, because I hate to see how little I've accomplished in 5 or 10 years, so I try to block those thoughts out. It's not a good thing.

That's just as bad! You're wishing your life away when you're so young and you have a real chance of overcoming your panic attacks. That's so sad. ::

Don't worry! Like I said just talking to you helps ^_^ It's not so much the future its just the feelings I guess I mean... its hard to explain.

I'm not though I'm just I want the peace that's supposed to come with death that's all. I'm sorry I'm making you sad though.

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 12, 2011 1:15 Pm:

Well bad news for today. My mom called my doctor about my break down last night and how I wish I was just dead already and now I have to go in to the doctors and they're thinking about keeping me for three days :'( We convinced my doctor to let me go tomorrow though. God I'm so pissed right now though I hate when they blow stuff out of proportion its why I never let loose always having to worry about being carted away, I hate being away from home and I'm always embarrassed at the navy hospital its just I really hate this I don't wanna go and I sure as HELL don't wanna be there for three days

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 13, 2011 11:08 Pm:

Well just got back from the doctor *went to target after lol* and God it was awful!! They made me change in to one of those horrible hospital gowns and then one guy asked me questions about how I was feeling while another guy apparently was documenting the whole thing and there was a female nurse there just because I'm female. I hated having all those people in there and being in that gown. I choked up and couldn't talk so finally two of them left and it was just one guy left still couldn't talk so I ended up writing it down and then he left and told me that the REAL doctor therapist would be in soon *turned out to be an 1 or 2 later* and then she asked me some more questions and from my answers and how I upset I was she actually wanted to send me somewhere!!! I couldn't believe it! After that I had to get my blood drawn and keep in mind I'm still in that awful gown. Getting the blood done was okay but then they gave me something to calm me down which was pretty freaking good lol But then I had to wait an hour till the blood work was done till I could leave and finally get dressed and leave!! But I still have to go back tomorrow :/ I got some cool stuff at target though and I have a pretty white christmas tree in my room

 

[Insanewoman389]

December 13 2011, 11:20 PM:

On a somewhat good note I pretty much finally got diagnosed with Social anxiety and depression so hopefully that should help :]

 

[MikeyC]

You're female, so a female nurse had to be present? That doesn't make much sense. Anyway, sounds like the whole ordeal was horrible, but at least you got some results from it.