agoraphobickatie
Well-known member
so here goes...
i'll start with my basic biography in as few words as possible
i grew up with the normal home life.. my parents were married, i had a sister five years older than me, we did the church thing every sunday, my parents worked full time jobs, mom came home and made dinner, we ate at the table together every day, etc etc... (that's where i think i get a lot of my basic ideals/views/morals on/about life from, but that's irrelevant, haha).. my parents divorced when i was around 10-11 years old, and it was a piece of cake to me.. i wasn't bothered by it at all, i was raised to know that my parents loved me no matter what, if they were together or not, whether or not i became a screw up, whatever.. after a while of the 'joint custody' thing, i basically decided i was getting to my teenage years and i wanted to live with my mom... apparently before/during/after the divorce, my mom became a raging alcoholic. so beginning around 11-12 i was the 'parent/adult' in the house with just me and my mom (older sister was away at college).. at LEAST 5-6 nights a week, from the age of 11-12 to 18, my mom would drink for hours into the wee hours of the morning and end up passing out asleep totally shwasted.. while i still managed school, boyfriends, social activities, sports, etc, i was coming home in the evening to a drunk depressed mother and worrying if she would fall and hurt herself, kill herself or just not wake up the next morning; and sometimes i was wrestling pills/knives/whatever out of her hands to keep her from suicide... SO the summer i turned 18 she gave up and went to rehab and i lived in our apartment alone (great summer! haha).. we've had a few ups and downs since then but i've learned that that's my mom's problem, i can't take responsibility for it or let my want to keep her alive make me deal with such terrible conditions... basically, that whole experience gave me a tough skin, i've never been one to worry over petty shit, i don't ask "why me?" and i don't worry myself over other peoples problems or wonder if other peoples issues are my fault... if i had lived those years with my mother thinking i had done something wrong to make her be drunk all the time, i'd REALLY be fukked up, haha.... this isn't very few words is it? basically, i wish i could really explain to you the person i am, but i've become one tough cookie. there are simply a lot of things in life that i just don't tolerate, and i'm fine with that..
getting to the point (i hope!), i put the past behind me, i've never gotten an apology from my mom, but i've never expected one, and i've never felt that i needed one.. i learned many life lessons during that time that most 21 year olds couldn't even grasp.. when it's all said and done, i honestly can't say "wahhh, i wish that would have never happened to me! "... my mom is still my best friend (and she always was, no matter how much she worried/hurt me), and she's one of my number 1 supports (along with my dad, i know, i'm blessed with loving, understanding parents, i know i'm fortunate)...
my problem is agoraphobia.. i still haven't chalked it up to any definite reason.. when i leave my house to go anywhere where there may be other people, i get anxiety, panic attacks and i think i'll puke, and i'm totally afraid of the thought of puking when i'm not at home alone in my 'safe zone'... since i was a kid i've had anxiety, but i've lived normally.. i went to school, had relationships, went to clubs, bonfires, parties, worked in a pharmacy, pool bar, gift shop, car dealership, etc... suddenly in may of this year, this agoraphobia shit came straight out of left field... i went to wal-mart one day and and freaked out, had a panic attack, became nauseous in the store and decided i wanted to get home as soon as possible! i haven't been anywhere alone since that day in the beginning of may...
so anyway, i was talking with my therapist today and she comes up with this idea that i have pushed the pain/hurt/anxiety/panic from that time in my life (11-18, living with my drunken mom) away, and it has resurfaced at a whole different time/point in my life after i've been living normally and uninterrupted for years... she has this idea that "you can't bury emotions alive, because they will always come back to haunt you." ...and it's really sinking in and making me wonder, ya know? i've put that past behind me and have been pretty adamant in saying/believing that those years of my life have nothing to do with my current anxiety, because i've moved on from it, and i just don't see the connection.... thing is, i guess there doesn't always have to be a connection?
anyway, i guess i'm writing this just to see what you guys think? i've been working to try and find the 'cause' of this sudden spike of anxiety/agoraphobia, and maybe this could be a breakthrough? maybe i'm writing this for other people to read and maybe get some ideas about their own issues? i'm not totally sure, but for once, i decided i'll write up a post (even if it is a mile long! sorry!) and actually post it... if you've read this far, i really appreciate your time hopefully you have 2 cents to throw into the mix... thanks you guys for reading... ::
i'll start with my basic biography in as few words as possible
i grew up with the normal home life.. my parents were married, i had a sister five years older than me, we did the church thing every sunday, my parents worked full time jobs, mom came home and made dinner, we ate at the table together every day, etc etc... (that's where i think i get a lot of my basic ideals/views/morals on/about life from, but that's irrelevant, haha).. my parents divorced when i was around 10-11 years old, and it was a piece of cake to me.. i wasn't bothered by it at all, i was raised to know that my parents loved me no matter what, if they were together or not, whether or not i became a screw up, whatever.. after a while of the 'joint custody' thing, i basically decided i was getting to my teenage years and i wanted to live with my mom... apparently before/during/after the divorce, my mom became a raging alcoholic. so beginning around 11-12 i was the 'parent/adult' in the house with just me and my mom (older sister was away at college).. at LEAST 5-6 nights a week, from the age of 11-12 to 18, my mom would drink for hours into the wee hours of the morning and end up passing out asleep totally shwasted.. while i still managed school, boyfriends, social activities, sports, etc, i was coming home in the evening to a drunk depressed mother and worrying if she would fall and hurt herself, kill herself or just not wake up the next morning; and sometimes i was wrestling pills/knives/whatever out of her hands to keep her from suicide... SO the summer i turned 18 she gave up and went to rehab and i lived in our apartment alone (great summer! haha).. we've had a few ups and downs since then but i've learned that that's my mom's problem, i can't take responsibility for it or let my want to keep her alive make me deal with such terrible conditions... basically, that whole experience gave me a tough skin, i've never been one to worry over petty shit, i don't ask "why me?" and i don't worry myself over other peoples problems or wonder if other peoples issues are my fault... if i had lived those years with my mother thinking i had done something wrong to make her be drunk all the time, i'd REALLY be fukked up, haha.... this isn't very few words is it? basically, i wish i could really explain to you the person i am, but i've become one tough cookie. there are simply a lot of things in life that i just don't tolerate, and i'm fine with that..
getting to the point (i hope!), i put the past behind me, i've never gotten an apology from my mom, but i've never expected one, and i've never felt that i needed one.. i learned many life lessons during that time that most 21 year olds couldn't even grasp.. when it's all said and done, i honestly can't say "wahhh, i wish that would have never happened to me! "... my mom is still my best friend (and she always was, no matter how much she worried/hurt me), and she's one of my number 1 supports (along with my dad, i know, i'm blessed with loving, understanding parents, i know i'm fortunate)...
my problem is agoraphobia.. i still haven't chalked it up to any definite reason.. when i leave my house to go anywhere where there may be other people, i get anxiety, panic attacks and i think i'll puke, and i'm totally afraid of the thought of puking when i'm not at home alone in my 'safe zone'... since i was a kid i've had anxiety, but i've lived normally.. i went to school, had relationships, went to clubs, bonfires, parties, worked in a pharmacy, pool bar, gift shop, car dealership, etc... suddenly in may of this year, this agoraphobia shit came straight out of left field... i went to wal-mart one day and and freaked out, had a panic attack, became nauseous in the store and decided i wanted to get home as soon as possible! i haven't been anywhere alone since that day in the beginning of may...
so anyway, i was talking with my therapist today and she comes up with this idea that i have pushed the pain/hurt/anxiety/panic from that time in my life (11-18, living with my drunken mom) away, and it has resurfaced at a whole different time/point in my life after i've been living normally and uninterrupted for years... she has this idea that "you can't bury emotions alive, because they will always come back to haunt you." ...and it's really sinking in and making me wonder, ya know? i've put that past behind me and have been pretty adamant in saying/believing that those years of my life have nothing to do with my current anxiety, because i've moved on from it, and i just don't see the connection.... thing is, i guess there doesn't always have to be a connection?
anyway, i guess i'm writing this just to see what you guys think? i've been working to try and find the 'cause' of this sudden spike of anxiety/agoraphobia, and maybe this could be a breakthrough? maybe i'm writing this for other people to read and maybe get some ideas about their own issues? i'm not totally sure, but for once, i decided i'll write up a post (even if it is a mile long! sorry!) and actually post it... if you've read this far, i really appreciate your time hopefully you have 2 cents to throw into the mix... thanks you guys for reading... ::