my therapist totally blew my effing mind today...

[agoraphobickatie]

so here goes...

i'll start with my basic biography in as few words as possible
i grew up with the normal home life.. my parents were married, i had a sister five years older than me, we did the church thing every sunday, my parents worked full time jobs, mom came home and made dinner, we ate at the table together every day, etc etc... (that's where i think i get a lot of my basic ideals/views/morals on/about life from, but that's irrelevant, haha).. my parents divorced when i was around 10-11 years old, and it was a piece of cake to me.. i wasn't bothered by it at all, i was raised to know that my parents loved me no matter what, if they were together or not, whether or not i became a screw up, whatever.. after a while of the 'joint custody' thing, i basically decided i was getting to my teenage years and i wanted to live with my mom... apparently before/during/after the divorce, my mom became a raging alcoholic. so beginning around 11-12 i was the 'parent/adult' in the house with just me and my mom (older sister was away at college).. at LEAST 5-6 nights a week, from the age of 11-12 to 18, my mom would drink for hours into the wee hours of the morning and end up passing out asleep totally shwasted.. while i still managed school, boyfriends, social activities, sports, etc, i was coming home in the evening to a drunk depressed mother and worrying if she would fall and hurt herself, kill herself or just not wake up the next morning; and sometimes i was wrestling pills/knives/whatever out of her hands to keep her from suicide... SO the summer i turned 18 she gave up and went to rehab and i lived in our apartment alone (great summer! haha).. we've had a few ups and downs since then but i've learned that that's my mom's problem, i can't take responsibility for it or let my want to keep her alive make me deal with such terrible conditions... basically, that whole experience gave me a tough skin, i've never been one to worry over petty shit, i don't ask "why me?" and i don't worry myself over other peoples problems or wonder if other peoples issues are my fault... if i had lived those years with my mother thinking i had done something wrong to make her be drunk all the time, i'd REALLY be fukked up, haha.... this isn't very few words is it? basically, i wish i could really explain to you the person i am, but i've become one tough cookie. there are simply a lot of things in life that i just don't tolerate, and i'm fine with that..

getting to the point (i hope!), i put the past behind me, i've never gotten an apology from my mom, but i've never expected one, and i've never felt that i needed one.. i learned many life lessons during that time that most 21 year olds couldn't even grasp.. when it's all said and done, i honestly can't say "wahhh, i wish that would have never happened to me! "... my mom is still my best friend (and she always was, no matter how much she worried/hurt me), and she's one of my number 1 supports (along with my dad, i know, i'm blessed with loving, understanding parents, i know i'm fortunate)...

my problem is agoraphobia.. i still haven't chalked it up to any definite reason.. when i leave my house to go anywhere where there may be other people, i get anxiety, panic attacks and i think i'll puke, and i'm totally afraid of the thought of puking when i'm not at home alone in my 'safe zone'... since i was a kid i've had anxiety, but i've lived normally.. i went to school, had relationships, went to clubs, bonfires, parties, worked in a pharmacy, pool bar, gift shop, car dealership, etc... suddenly in may of this year, this agoraphobia shit came straight out of left field... i went to wal-mart one day and and freaked out, had a panic attack, became nauseous in the store and decided i wanted to get home as soon as possible! i haven't been anywhere alone since that day in the beginning of may...

so anyway, i was talking with my therapist today and she comes up with this idea that i have pushed the pain/hurt/anxiety/panic from that time in my life (11-18, living with my drunken mom) away, and it has resurfaced at a whole different time/point in my life after i've been living normally and uninterrupted for years... she has this idea that "you can't bury emotions alive, because they will always come back to haunt you." ...and it's really sinking in and making me wonder, ya know? i've put that past behind me and have been pretty adamant in saying/believing that those years of my life have nothing to do with my current anxiety, because i've moved on from it, and i just don't see the connection.... thing is, i guess there doesn't always have to be a connection?

anyway, i guess i'm writing this just to see what you guys think? i've been working to try and find the 'cause' of this sudden spike of anxiety/agoraphobia, and maybe this could be a breakthrough? maybe i'm writing this for other people to read and maybe get some ideas about their own issues? i'm not totally sure, but for once, i decided i'll write up a post (even if it is a mile long! sorry!) and actually post it... if you've read this far, i really appreciate your time hopefully you have 2 cents to throw into the mix... thanks you guys for reading... ::

 

[agoraphobickatie]

But on the same token my sister is totally normal and she remembers more than me. so who really knows?!!!!?!

haha, further proof that we are ALL different... EVERYONE sees, feels, thinks, projects, believes, hears, eeeeverything differently! haha

 

[BlackKids]

Been open is certainly the way forwards. My father enjoys a drink and has sometimes kicked off alarmingly. I can't imagine how difficult it would be living with that for 7 years and its only natural to want an apology. My father has always regretted the stupid things hes done under the influence and I guess its the main reason I'm not really fond of drink anymore.

It used to really upset me but I came to realise that you can't reason with somebody under the influence. So I stopped getting upset .

Not really sure thats helpful, your waffling must be contiguous . I do know that to get over/accept your anxiety you'll have to put yourself way outside your comfort zone.

Good Luck and when you have days when you think you can't take all this anxiety crap thats when you need to step it up a gear. Somedays when I feel like crap Id go do something Id hate. always makes me feel better after

 

[agoraphobickatie]

Not really sure thats helpful, your waffling must be contiguous . I do know that to get over/accept your anxiety you'll have to put yourself way outside your comfort zone.

Good Luck and when you have days when you think you can't take all this anxiety crap thats when you need to step it up a gear. Somedays when I feel like crap Id go do something Id hate. always makes me feel better after

that actually is pretty great advice, i haven't heard it put like that thanks so much for reading and replying! i appreciate it ::

 

[releaseme]

this may not be what you want to hear but, your therapist said exactly what i thought, before i read where you explained what she said...and i agree.

yes, you can be so busy in your life, that you subconsciously suppress emotional damage. suppressed or denied emotions create behaviors that we sometimes dont see and when our life slows down, they blindside us.

not knowing you, but reading what you wrote about your childhood, yes, i would say seeing a therapist would be a good idea. it may take months for you to see her logic but your agoraphobic behavior is rooted in something and seeing your therapist may help you get to that root.

what sucks about seeing a therapist is, its usually only once a week or two, and visits can get expensive and it may take awhile.

eta...when i go to a place like wal-mart or the grocery store...i feel like i'm in a beehive, rush around trying to get the things i need, get home and realize i forgot things...it sucks

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i have a dirty mind. i haven't read your post btw

haha, unison! ...thanks for letting us know about your dirty mind? lolol

 

[Meggerz88]

I think that is exactly the problem. I know from experience that you can't just push hurtful memories aside. There are things that happen when you are a child that you can't fully understand and so can push them away for awhile, but eventually a subconscious part of you is triggered by something in the past and it can completely blindside you. I think it is great that you are seeing a therapist about it too!

I know because I have had a very similar experience recently. I was molested over a period of many of my childhood years. I repressed a lot of the memories and just sort of forgot about it through my teen years... like it never happened. My current boyfriend is the first one I've been physical with and that has completely opened pandora's box, so to speak. I started having panic attacks, heightened anxiety, anger issues, and obsessive tendencies since we were first intimate. Things just spiraled out of control.... I had no idea what had happened, but I have since pieced a lot of it together and figured out a lot of my patterns. I know that I need to come up with a way of dealing with all my repressed emotions. I was too young at the time to really understand how it affected me...

 

[agoraphobickatie]

this may not be what you want to hear but, your therapist said exactly what i thought, before i read where you explained what she said...and i agree.

yes, you can be so busy in your life, that you subconsciously suppress emotional damage. suppressed or denied emotions create behaviors that we sometimes dont see and when our life slows down, they blindside us.

not knowing you, but reading what you wrote about your childhood, yes, i would say seeing a therapist would be a good idea. it may take months for you to see her logic but your agoraphobic behavior is rooted in something and seeing your therapist may help you get to that root.

what sucks about seeing a therapist is, its usually only once a week or two, and visits can get expensive and it may take awhile.

eta...when i go to a place like wal-mart or the grocery store...i feel like i'm in a beehive, rush around trying to get the things i need, get home and realize i forgot things...it sucks

no no, that's exactly what i DO want to hear, haha... i've been searching for an explanation, for a reason or a cause.. i'm just excited to go this route and let out a lot of things with my therapist and maybe feel a little better about it all...

and i actually really freakin' love my therapist! she's not a MD or psychologist/psychiatrist, so she doesn't TELL me my problems, she's working WITH me to explore them and solve them.. and she works non-profit, so it isn't much of a donation to see her weekly... i've been going to her since june and i've truly learned a lot and am extremely grateful for that woman! lol... thanks for your response, i guess i'm just eager to explore this side of my issues and i'm wanting more ideas/thoughts to bring up during our next meeting, haha... thanks, bud!

 

[Phobologist]

...getting to the point (i hope!), i put the past behind me...

my problem is agoraphobia.. i still haven't chalked it up to any definite reason.. i went to wal-mart one day and and freaked out, had a panic attack, became nauseous in the store and decided i wanted to get home as soon as possible! i haven't been anywhere alone since that day in the beginning of may...

so anyway, i was talking with my therapist today and she comes up with this idea that i have pushed the pain/hurt/anxiety/panic from that time in my life (11-18, living with my drunken mom) away, and it has resurfaced at a whole different time/point in my life after i've been living normally and uninterrupted for years... she has this idea that "you can't bury emotions alive, because they will always come back to haunt you."

Hi Katie,

Well that's how it started for many of us::. One day you were living your life normally, and the next BAM...GAD, SAD, Panic, OCD compulsions, the works. You go from being a normal fun-loving kid to a house-bound social pariah. So much for the illusion of always being a "normal" person. No matter how hard you tried, how long you held on for, one day, the stress gets to you.

That was how my panic started. First I had GAD all of the sudden when I was 11 brought about by my mother's cancer. Then after a few years of famous denial, I snapped and had a massive panic attack / nervous break-down that left me ****ed out of my head for about two weeks. But was that the end? NO. I suffered recurrent dissociative panic attacks for about 1.5 years after that, coinciding with the development of my Social Anxiety Disorder immediately after the 8th grade. The ironic thing is, my SAD started right as I was finally managing to get my life back together.

So, now I have been in prison for 9 years. That's how these things are. They come suddenly like a meteor from the cluster**** system, and they leave you smashed and spewing clouds of toxic volcanic ash for years to come. Hopefully your Agoraphobia can be solved quickly, say within a year. It certainly sounds like you made a break-through and I think your therapist is dead on.

Best of luck. ::

 

[cosmosis]

Hi Katie,

Like the others, I think you are definately on to something with the therapist. My wife has panic attacks and it came about seemingly out of nowwhere - similar to how you described it. And with her, we have come to the conclusion that panic is a result of certain emotions there were never properly dealt with. She has trouble emotionally letting go and accepting certain things that are difficult. Panic is like the minds attempt to force those emotions out all at once. Good luck and hopefully soon you will be able to start enjoying some of those things you used to be able to do

 

[agoraphobickatie]

meggerz88 - thanks so much for sharing that little bit with me! i feel your pain, girl! lol.. i guess now is when we have to be strong and do our best to overcome the bullshit, haha...

phobologist - i appreciate your input! and your very vivid explanations, are you a writer? haha... thanks for wishing me luck, best wishes to you as well!

cosmosis - thank you so much for your reply! when my therapist expressed that idea to me, at first i was just kind of like "what the hell? nahhhhh" and i really couldn't grasp it all.. but it makes so much more sense to me now seeing all of y'alls own stories and examples.. and fukk me, i thought i knew it all?! haha.. thanks again, and i hope i an get out and start living again in the future, too!!

thanks you guys

 

[scissorhands]

Your therapist is definitely right that you can't bury emotions, and that they'll always resurface. I found that out the hard way too. I had a rough time in my teens with a big group of people harassing me all around my hometown and it was very emotionally damaging to me and caused me alot of depression. Anyway I decided to not let it bother me and move on and moved to another city for one reason to get away from all that. I thought I'd start fresh and forget it all, and tried to live as though I never dealt with those things and never had depression or social anxiety before. I tried to start with a clean slate. But it doesn't really work that way. I still deal every day with the pain those years caused me. It's something that won't ever go away and is unfortunately a part of who I am now. I just try to do something positive with it. Right now I make a published webcomic about the type of emotions alot of us here face.

 

[DillJenkins]

My dad was/is gambling addict/alcoholic/prescription pill addict. Its alot of shit I guess.

My therapist says that my dads gambling and alcohol abuse probably made me feel abandoned and not safe. This is likely where anxiety started.

He used to go and gamble for hours while leaving me in the car and I would have panic attacks and shit. This is what f*cked me up the most I think.

My therapist made a good analogy that the car was my "safe zone" like my room is my safe zone now.

I suppose living with an alcoholic probably made you feel unsafe. A person can only repress emotions for so long. Either they feel the emotions sorta of all at once or your like me and disconnect yourself from reality so as not to deal with the emotion of it.

 

[Justas]

Yes it can hit you from nowhere. My grandmothers sister was found sitting under the table when she was ~82 years old. She lived lonely all her life and no such things happend before. After that she started drinking...
Be strong and work on your problems, they won't work out on their own.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

Your therapist is definitely right that you can't bury emotions, and that they'll always resurface. I found that out the hard way too. I had a rough time in my teens with a big group of people harassing me all around my hometown and it was very emotionally damaging to me and caused me alot of depression. Anyway I decided to not let it bother me and move on and moved to another city for one reason to get away from all that. I thought I'd start fresh and forget it all, and tried to live as though I never dealt with those things and never had depression or social anxiety before. I tried to start with a clean slate. But it doesn't really work that way. I still deal every day with the pain those years caused me. It's something that won't ever go away and is unfortunately a part of who I am now. I just try to do something positive with it. Right now I make a published webcomic about the type of emotions alot of us here face.

thanks for replying
now i'm just kind of like 'wtf?!' haha, because i really thought i was past all of the shit with my mom, i'm just not one to worry over things in the past or well, most things i choose not to be bothered about (other than anxiety, ugh.. it doesn't care if i want it or not! haha) ..i guess i need to talk a lot about all the bullshit with my therapist and she'll have further suggestions... i guess i never heard the 'you can't bury you emotions alive' thing, i thought i could just put it in the past and move the hell on, haha..

 

[Phobologist]

When my mother was sick with cancer the first time when I was 7, I insisted to my therapist that I didn't have any feelings over it. Yea right. There is no such thing as escaping feelings, they are like bulletwounds. If you get shot, youre bleeding a lot more on the inside then the outside.