My parents don't want me to grow up

Falkor

Falkor

1
Hi,

My parents literally don't want me to grow up. I feel unhappy about it.
I told my parents that I wanted to move out a few weeks ago, my mom said directly:
''No, you can't stand on your own feet yet'' Now they have this idea of building a gardening home, so I can live in the garden.
The conclusion is, I don't have to pay the rent, so I can save money.
Yea that is a very nice point, but I don't want to live here, all my life.

My parents are very concerned, mostly because of my social anxiety.
I stayed at home for 3 years, and yup.. I was a very dependent person who was calling them if I was having a panic attack and I was very unstable when it comes to emotions, but that was a hard time. I mean, I got bullied, have been through trauma, and everything. What to expect?
I needed to heal my pain, and it also caused my severe social anxiety.

I love my parents don't get me wrong, we have a lot of amazing quality times and I know they have been supporting me for such a long time and they helped me a lot, but this is really getting a problem.

It really hurts when people tell me ''You can't do this yet''
Mostly it's linked to my Social anxiety and Borderline.
I never asked for this.

My dad thinks i'm not financially independent, he pays all my student bills and he orders everything when it comes to paying things online.
I said to him many times ''I can pay the bills myself, I like being an adult now''
He said, you're not an adult yet, It will be fine. (when he does it)

I just have very high emotions :(

Not every borderliner is a crazy outgiving money freak, I am carefully with money.



Also, my girlfriend and I want to be going on holiday to Canada.
Last summer I told my parents, they said 'Noway you're going there'
I got really sad. I really don't want them to decide my life anymore.

I go to group therapy each week and CBT individually.
This is a great help.

I know I'm still an emotional person, but I have to become an independent person.It will be the hardest task, but that's what I want to be going for now. I love my parents, but I know this is standing in the way,
I really need your advice...
 
Last edited:
kihira

kihira

1
Moving out of home is great way to grow as a person and learn independence. Parents would be reluctant to see children go out of the modern day fear of 'everything' as well as a sense of loss, the emptying nest thing.

ps. I moved out when I was 17 or 18
 
Nanita

Nanita

Well-known member
It´s important to break free. Parents have to accept that. I think it´s too much when your parents directly tell you that you are not ready to do stuff on your own. I hate when parents do that.
When I was 18 I moved out, actually I moved away from my hometown to the capital. I was there for 6 months, and then I went back to live with my mom for a while. It was just like that, back and forth, the first couple of years when I first tried to stand on my own feet. And then it became a lot easier living alone and I didn´t have to get help from my parents any longer.
My advice is.. go try some of the things you want to do on your own, wether it´s moving out, travelling or smaller stuff. If some things go wrong, well so what, everybody fails, and I believe you are able to handle that.
If you move out and it´s not going perfectly, you might be able to go back home?
I think the trip to Cananda sounds just great, I hope you will do that.
 
kilojoule

kilojoule

1
Aw your parents dound amazing :)

I think if you feel you're ready to take a big step then it's time to take the plunge.

It certainly sounds like you've thought it out. I think they just need to see your thought process.

So heres my advice to you:

I think it might be a good idea to discuss benefit v risk with them. You stand to gain so much by making this brave move +I salute you for it!!! You know the benefits but their worry is the risk so you must talk with them about their worries. What risk are you taking? That's their concern. I think its important for their sake that you address their concern, to see you have weighed it out. There are risks of course there are. It sounds like you have thought them through. Ultimately their biggest fear is your veing in trouble and alone. So reassure them you have prepared for this possibility. You have support and if something goes wrong you can pick up the phone and ask for their help. Make sure they know you arent afraid to return to them if it doesnt work out.

You know your reasons for wanting this. This can be resolved with good communication. Addresss their concerns :) Dont dismiss them just acknowledge them. Go through what troubles them one by one and list the good things, the bad things and talk to them about how you plan to deal with a bad thing if it happens. Dont say oooh nothing bad will happen I know what Im doing, just say, ok if somwthing bad happens then this is my plan of action to deal with it. Show them you have thought it through on both sides and been thorough in your decision process.Once they understand that the benefit to you outweighs the risk, they only want whats best for you so I see no reason theyd object.

Remind your parents that you can always come home if you need to but it's good to try and take the next step. You know that you have their full support and they only want whats best for you. Honestly they
sound so lovely :) and you clearly do love and appreciate them. Its so nice to see! :)


ps sorry for typos and if i repeat something. Im replying by text on phone its a bit tricky
 
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miss_amy

miss_amy

Well-known member
It's really nice that you have parents that are trying to help you. If you feel you can and want to do these things though you should. It's nice to know you have a supportive family to come back to should you need to.

If someone tells me I can't , it makes me all the more determined to show them I can.
 
v_coccotti

v_coccotti

Well-known member
Saskia said:
Hi,

My parents literally don't want me to grow up. I feel unhappy about it.
I told my parents that I wanted to move out a few weeks ago, my mom said directly:
''No, you can't stand on your own feet yet'' Now they have this idea of building a gardening home, so I can live in the garden.
The conclusion is, I don't have to pay the rent, so I can save money.
Yea that is a very nice point, but I don't want to live here, all my life.

My parents are very concerned, mostly because of my social anxiety.
I stayed at home for 3 years, and yup.. I was a very dependent person who was calling them if I was having a panic attack and I was very unstable when it comes to emotions, but that was a hard time. I mean, I got bullied, have been through trauma, and everything. What to expect?
I needed to heal my pain, and it also caused my severe social anxiety.

I love my parents don't get me wrong, we have a lot of amazing quality times and I know they have been supporting me for such a long time and they helped me a lot, but this is really getting a problem.

It really hurts when people tell me ''You can't do this yet''
Mostly it's linked to my Social anxiety and Borderline.
I never asked for this.

My dad thinks i'm not financially independent, he pays all my student bills and he orders everything when it comes to paying things online.
I said to him many times ''I can pay the bills myself, I like being an adult now''
He said, you're not an adult yet, It will be fine. (when he does it)

I just have very high emotions :(

Not every borderliner is a crazy outgiving money freak, I am carefully with money.



Also, my girlfriend and I want to be going on holiday to Canada.
Last summer I told my parents, they said 'Noway you're going there'
I got really sad. I really don't want them to decide my life anymore.

I go to group therapy each week and CBT individually.
This is a great help.

I know I'm still an emotional person, but I have to become an independent person.It will be the hardest task, but that's what I want to be going for now. I love my parents, but I know this is standing in the way,
I really need your advice...
Click to expand...

If you want to move out, just do it.
 
F

FriendlessGirl

1
I can relate to you so much. Whenever we talk about moving out my parents always say that they can't let me stay by myself cos they don't think I can do it. They even don't want me to move out for college. I know I'll have a rough time living by myself but still I want to do it anyway. I think if you feel that you can manage to live by yourself, you should firmly tell them you are ready and you can do this.
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
@ Nanita :
Thanks for the tips. - It is not fun to hear 'you cannot do this yet' so yep. it is directly. That's why i hate living here sometimes but I knjow from my heart it's all about my parents being concerned about my difficult stuff. They just want me to grow stronger and not fall again, I have been isolated and depressed for 3 years, and I just got out of it and am not isolated anymore, so they wish so much that it will keep this way and I still have heavy mood swings like being depressed for no reasons and super happy, but still controlling by concern... I guess it's just the way I come across, I'm very emotional so people think I'm not independent, it's the way people look at things. It's a mix of care, fear and love by my parents, I know that. But I know when I'll keep this way up, they will think differently, but it's so hard.. I have a lot of problems.

I know that I can actually live on my own, and feel good. I know it may be hard, a big step... To do all things on my own. I like challenges, and I like freedom.
I love the thought of having my own space, no control over me.

Travelling is a nice thing. My girlfriend and I are going to check out holiday trips in January, we will see about where in Canada we'll be staying. and of course gonna prepare myself to say, 'hey.. I'm going on holiday... This year I hope you won't stop me.. It is important for me.'


@ jewel :
Yeah, I thought it through. And yes my parents are good folks. They are also really happy things are going better lately.

@phocas: oh young age, brave you!
 
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mikebird

mikebird

Banned
An inbuilt nature of looking after children and protecting them from evil with cottonwool is a disturbing attitude. Apparently, it's natural. "My baby! My baby!" It all seems that a child is an asset, equal to a gleaming mobile phone, a cigarette, a top-down sports car to flaunt to your peers... "I had a baby..!!!"

That's alongside a firm lifelong decision to never work, living in squalor, using children as toys... I know these people.

I suffered from this. Not allowed to play contact sport, or have a military career. I was out, as soon as I was 17.

This is why I'm not a parent. I had a 3rd finger attitude to parents & family. I like v_coccotti's attutude. It's important to rebel toward society in a local and public scope.

My schoolmate on my assumed £60k salary, or more, as a CTO with his company for 8 years, is never without his parents, and vice-versa, any longer than a week... and is single
 
Last edited:
Lea

Lea

Banned
This situation is really offpissing, I know it well too. But the truth is that it's my parents who are not OK, I hate with vengeance parents telling their children they are too incapable to do something!! Because this way they're throwing sticks under their feet, make them into what they think of them. Everyone is capable living out, and you will see it's even easier than it was at home because you will not feel that suffocated. When I wanted to leave abroad at 19, my parents were making a scandal out of it, my mother threatened suicide, opened and hide my letters, took away my passport.. :( It was TERRIBLE. It's not easy to leave even if you have support, let alone if they fight against it this way.. I don't even know how I managed to get away eventually, I went to England where I spent 2 years, there were times I had nowhere to stay and no income but I somehow managed not to return home because of how difficult it was to get away and I didn't want back into all that..
 
D

da_illest101

Well-known member
Saskia said:
Hi,

My parents literally don't want me to grow up. I feel unhappy about it.
I told my parents that I wanted to move out a few weeks ago, my mom said directly:
''No, you can't stand on your own feet yet'' Now they have this idea of building a gardening home, so I can live in the garden.
The conclusion is, I don't have to pay the rent, so I can save money.
Yea that is a very nice point, but I don't want to live here, all my life.

My parents are very concerned, mostly because of my social anxiety.
I stayed at home for 3 years, and yup.. I was a very dependent person who was calling them if I was having a panic attack and I was very unstable when it comes to emotions, but that was a hard time. I mean, I got bullied, have been through trauma, and everything. What to expect?
I needed to heal my pain, and it also caused my severe social anxiety.

I love my parents don't get me wrong, we have a lot of amazing quality times and I know they have been supporting me for such a long time and they helped me a lot, but this is really getting a problem.

It really hurts when people tell me ''You can't do this yet''
Mostly it's linked to my Social anxiety and Borderline.
I never asked for this.

My dad thinks i'm not financially independent, he pays all my student bills and he orders everything when it comes to paying things online.
I said to him many times ''I can pay the bills myself, I like being an adult now''
He said, you're not an adult yet, It will be fine. (when he does it)

I just have very high emotions :(

Not every borderliner is a crazy outgiving money freak, I am carefully with money.



Also, my girlfriend and I want to be going on holiday to Canada.
Last summer I told my parents, they said 'Noway you're going there'
I got really sad. I really don't want them to decide my life anymore.

I go to group therapy each week and CBT individually.
This is a great help.

I know I'm still an emotional person, but I have to become an independent person.It will be the hardest task, but that's what I want to be going for now. I love my parents, but I know this is standing in the way,
I really need your advice...
Click to expand...

I know that's not what you want but to me you are lucky, I don't want to grow up or move out but my parents simply cannot wait for me to become an adult :(
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
Saskia, how much money do you have and could you live independently?

Have you looked at the rents and living costs? Check what kind of budget you'd need monthly? (rent + costs + food + other costs, eg transport, clothes etc)
Do you get that much monthly or do you have savings for *at least* 3-6 months (with more money coming in during that time), ideally for a year or so?

I'm all for living independently if you can make it.

If not, check out what other options you might have. eg Maybe don't order things online if you don't have the money for it, or maybe you could talk to a friend so she can order for you if you don't want your dad to pay? (she orders with her card, you give her cash?)

Do you have enough money to live on your own and pay students costs? (And travel to Canada?)

My parents have been overprotective too, and insisted on paying for some things in the past (eg when I was a student) but it also brought with it expectations of my life after that. So it's good to try to not have 'debts' if you can.
Or write things down and try to return the money later when you will have more money?

If you don't want to live in a 'garden hut' maybe explore and discuss other options, with your group, therapist, other relatives and friends, and then with your parents too... maybe they'd be okay if you'd go live together with a relative (eg grandma, aunt or cousin?) or friend or gf? Or could you live in a students dorm or such?

As I said before, Canada is far.. It would be good to make some smaller trips first maybe, and show them you CAN do okay there and in day-to-day living... Also, can you pay for travelling to Canada with your own money? (And still have $$ left over to live from next year?)
 
F

Fighter86

Well-known member
I agree with Nanita and find Les's story inspiring. I think you should do it if you really feel up to it, after all, your parents will not always be around forever and sooner or later, you'll have to be independent. I am in the a similar situation as you, except I'm Asian and moving out before marriage is generally seen as a bad thing in our culture, in anycase I have been considering for some time this move due to various reasons, but am keeping it on hold as moving out would mean too lonely for me since I have no friends. But if I had someone, I would probably make the move. In anycase, good luck and stay strong. Think carefully about all your options like above poster mentioned, as they are real issues you'll have to face, and if you still have strong conviction you can make it, go for it!
 
F

findnemo10

Member
I really hear you. I hope you're able to move out. I had/still have that problem with my controlling, overprotective parents. I'm married now, with a baby, but even now, my parents not only are overprotective of me, but of my baby boy now. They tell me how to parent him, so sometimes it just never ends. Anyway, good luck, I hope you've been able to get the means to move out and create your own life, even if it isn't easy.
 
MotherWolff

MotherWolff

Banned
Falkor said:
Hi,

My parents literally don't want me to grow up. I feel unhappy about it.
I told my parents that I wanted to move out a few weeks ago, my mom said directly:
''No, you can't stand on your own feet yet'' Now they have this idea of building a gardening home, so I can live in the garden.
The conclusion is, I don't have to pay the rent, so I can save money.
Yea that is a very nice point, but I don't want to live here, all my life.

My parents are very concerned, mostly because of my social anxiety.
I stayed at home for 3 years, and yup.. I was a very dependent person who was calling them if I was having a panic attack and I was very unstable when it comes to emotions, but that was a hard time. I mean, I got bullied, have been through trauma, and everything. What to expect?
I needed to heal my pain, and it also caused my severe social anxiety.

I love my parents don't get me wrong, we have a lot of amazing quality times and I know they have been supporting me for such a long time and they helped me a lot, but this is really getting a problem.

It really hurts when people tell me ''You can't do this yet''
Mostly it's linked to my Social anxiety and Borderline.
I never asked for this.

My dad thinks i'm not financially independent, he pays all my student bills and he orders everything when it comes to paying things online.
I said to him many times ''I can pay the bills myself, I like being an adult now''
He said, you're not an adult yet, It will be fine. (when he does it)

I just have very high emotions :(

Not every borderliner is a crazy outgiving money freak, I am carefully with money.



Also, my girlfriend and I want to be going on holiday to Canada.
Last summer I told my parents, they said 'Noway you're going there'
I got really sad. I really don't want them to decide my life anymore.

I go to group therapy each week and CBT individually.
This is a great help.

I know I'm still an emotional person, but I have to become an independent person.It will be the hardest task, but that's what I want to be going for now. I love my parents, but I know this is standing in the way,
I really need your advice...
Click to expand...

That sounds like my mama. Its up to you to move out and disregard their thoughts on this matter.
 
AtTheGates

AtTheGates

Banned
its not as bad as you think. its better to have parents that want you to stay at home rather than parents that force you to move out before you're financially capable, IMO.
 
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