My life is messed up and I think about suicide alot recently

[Anonymous]

I'm trying not to be critical about everything but one thing that concerns me. Do you think it was stupid for me to cry openly like that? I just couldn't help it.

Absolutely NOT stupid at all! And did it make you weak, or a cry baby? Absolutley NOT! It was a perfectly normal reaction, in fact, it proved that you have a heart, that you are REAL, and that you are not vindictive and that you CARE. If you had been missing all those emotions, unfortunately, you might be much worse off than you might be now, so don't second guess it, take comfort in the fact that you did! :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all comments and support once again everyone.

Corny:

You've been a really great help for me through this, so I just want to say a big thanks so far.

It's such great news that I'll be having some money coming in soon to help me by. I am going to give most of this to my mum because she's really put up with my problems for so long. She is over-protective of me and that's understandable (Even though it possibly made my situation worse, I still hold anything against her. It's a mothers instint to protect their children if they can't fend for themselves yet)

She's been through a hard time as well and I would like to openly say here that if it was not for her mainly, I would not be doing this. She's definantly NUMBER 1! She put me in contact to the right people and got the thing moving for me and without her support I would be sitting here doing what I always have done. I think my mum and sister also understands now that it's not that I have no empathy when responding to their actions, it's getting out emotions to show I do care. They are stuck and needed a big push.

I still can't believe it!

A week ago I would of never thought I would of changed the slightest bit. I may not be over my disorders yet but I sure in hell have a starter motivation to get to my goal. It's not a question of IF but WHEN, and DAMN I AM going to get there in the end. A long road a head, but will be REALLY fucking worth it.

 

[Anonymous]

Oh I forgot something else that's important. The Dr said that they'll be also seting up a psychiatric nurse work from my home and help care for me with serving food (Cause I can't cook or nothing and have no way to get food on my own) and helping helping me socially. I said yes to this, I think this may be a good idea for me. I really like Dr. Cameron and he said that he'd be checking on me often.

Seems they really are taking me seriously and actually GIVE a shit. I thought they would just write me off as insane but I'm really amazed still.

So many other things were said that I can't even remember.

 

[Anonymous]

Whats shakin

Hey dude, I feel you and I dont at the same time. I was an infantryman in iraq and saw some horrible things, and when I came back I felt ALMOST the same way you do, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to be isolated from everything on this friggin rock. Its a mindset though, and you gotta snap out of it. Read James Allen's As a Man Thinketh. That book made me realize you determine you're own destiny, you alone control how you think. Think right, and all of a sudden you're immune to the day to day bullshit. Nobody likes working, going home, shitting, and sleeping only to awake to the same shitty cycle. Make it work, have fun, do what you wanna do, and dont waste your life. [email protected] if you wanna talk some more, but thats basically my 2 cents. Good luck fella,

PFC Dunn, 82nd Airborne US Army

 

[Anonymous]

I did not read all the thread, but is good to see u posted ur visit with the doc, it will surely help some peoples in here.
I would like to say im against overprotective mums, sorry.
Whenever you feel you can ride alone in this world don't doubt it and go. Congs.

 

[Anonymous]

Corny:

You've been a really great help for me through this, so I just want to say a big thanks so far.

Thanks for that Madcat!

I think the nurse sounds like a splendid idea, too! Wow, things are really looking UP! :wink:

Don't let the opinion givers get to you, they have the right to their opinions, but that doesn't mean everyone needs to agree with them. And try not to let the negatives get to you when Dr. Cameron or the nurse isn't around because they will try, I know it personally, and they will try to discourage you into going back to your safe, comfortable rut. Just keep fighting, for yourself, and your Mum. Maybe you can ask the Dr. if there is a number you can call or an email address you can write to if you start feeling weak or scared?

I personally can't find one ounce of fault with an over protective mother, to me, it just means you are loved very much, and I can't find one fault in being loved. Your right, your Mum has done a lot for you, you may not have taken this step with out her. Yay, Mum!

I just heard on the news that a pair in Flordia tossed a hour old new born baby boy out of their car in a garbage bag... a witness rescued the baby after she saw the bag 'move' and thought it might be a cat. The baby is alive but in serious condition. (he still had his umbelical cord attached). That is so heart breaking. I would rather be over protected any day than be tossed out of a car like a peice of useless litter.

Anyway, try to keep thinking positive and think of all the good things that are going to be happening in your life and your Mim's life & and try keeping focused on those things rather than the things that could lead to discouragement. Try to be patient though, too... you said you haven't been outside in 5 yrs. and progress isn't going to be made over night either, but it will all come in time. :wink:

I am very delighted for you and your Mum!

 

[Anonymous]

If my Mum wasn't overprotective of me when I was younger I would most certainly of been physically abused. I probably would not of had a shot at life as I do now.

My Dad's style was to mentally bring people down to a pile of goo. If she also wasn't overprotective with me in my current situation I would probably be forced to do stuff I wouldn't want to.

Each mind can handle each situation differently. What may seem life changing in a war to yourself, will seem almost non-effecting to someone else.

Some people take meds to help themselves, others don't.

Think of some other phobias. Arachniphobia for instance.

A person may decide to try to conquer their fear by going head on and screwing around with a very dangerous spider. They get bitten and it increases their fear even greater then they are rushed to hospital. It all depends on the mind and the way someone wants to progress. IF a persons mind can be controlled (which it can) then it sounds obvious to just take it back and get on with life, but when you can't seem to do that you need help from other people. My Mum knows she's overprotective and she told me that she feels really bad about it but she also let me know the above (About how worser my life would of been).

Being raised by sensitive parent alone (Most of the time) has resulted in me choosing (And yes, it's a choice. I don't believe in the "I was abused as a kid so I'm gonna abuse my kid" bullshit). There's a limit to how far people can control their minds depending on how much they have lost.

Realistically I haven't really lost anything, though. When you make yourself believe realityis something that it is not, it's very hard to tell yourself it is otherwise. I may of contradicted myself in this post but I often do that when I speak from the mind.

Back on to my progress:

Wow, the forms today to fill in to earn some money came in.

About 200 pages out of size A5 forms. I can't write (I don't think I mentioned that) so I get someone else to fill them out while they read me the questions. The other good news is that on the forms it has ticked/checked that I do not have to see anyone because of my situation.

Looks like my situation is really progressing far. A much slower process is what I like and not the "FACE YOUR FEAR HEAD ON" style.

Sorry if I sound kinda sarcastic. In just over a week so much has been done and my life changed alot.

 

[Anonymous]

Wow I am sick of this. Time to sign up for real now cause of the lack of edit as guest post.

"Earn some money" should be "claim some money". I'm not earning anything. Bad wording

 

[Anonymous]

The paper work must always be done...blah... I hate paperwork! The simpliest form stresses me out to the max sometimes!

I don't know how things are handled so much in the UK, but here in the US, you can bleed to death or give birth in the emergency room because the paper work MUST be done first, and the biggest reason for that is because they want to be assured that they will be getting paid for their services.

It's great you have someone to help you with the forms!

Do you have an email address Madcat? I was wishing I knew it because I would rather email you personally than share here at the forum, but I understand if you would rather stay anonymous. If you were to register, I could too and then you could send your email in a private message if you were corageous enough to do that!

I should regsiter because of editing, too! Outisde of all the mis-spellings and other blunders, I noticed that at one point I called you 'madhat' and I was devesated about it!

Your wording was not BAD, either,not at all! If you don't think you earn that money suffering with the thoughts, disorders, etc.... than I really need to educate you in a LARGE post! :wink:

 

[MadCat]

Hey again Corny

I don't mind pushing my email out.

It's [email protected]

 

[MarCPatt]

I am so happy for you MadCat. Reading stories like yours give me hope for myself and other's in situations like this. I was also thinking of ending it all at many points throughtout my life, and am thankful I didn't and that I had a husband that never gave up on me. My mother is dead, and when she was alive she was abusive, so I think your mother is your blessing, just like my husband has been mine. Do not listen to the people that are negative and try to bring you down. I get a lot of those nasty people myself too. But I am learning to ignore them and just enjoy the wonderful people like my husband, and the beauty of life in general.

 

[MadCat]

Thanks MarCPatt. I'm glad that me making progress is able to help other people. I Just hope that when I am alot better I can also try to help others who are in my situation. It feels like a week ago that I first saw the two people but it was on Thursday. Funny how time shoots by!

 

[Anonymous]

Exactly same position as you dude , i play games alot what do you play mostly?

im on everquest,world or warcraft and counter strike mainly these days

 

[MadCat]

Diablo II and alpha tester in Guild Wars.

I used to play Everquest for 3 years but couldn't afford it anymore so I had to quit.

 

[Anonymous]

i play diablo 2 lod ladder whats your acc name , i play on europe softcore. My account is Toddster

 

[MadCat]

USEast Hardcore Ladder

acc: mc2k1

 

[Anonymous]

Hi MadCat,

I've just seen your posts today and just wanted to say that your posts really touched me, I feel for you deeply. I am so happy that your getting help and I wish you luck for the future.

Stay strong

All The Best x

Louise (uk, Manchester)

 

[Anonymous]

Hi MadCat,

I've also just read through this thread today and it was truly amazing and uplifting to see the massive change in your plight, from one of despair and thoughts of ending it all, to one of real hope.

It's quite amazing to see such an important chapter in someone's life unfold on this forum. Hey, maybe in 5 years time, when your life is bringing you more than you could have hoped for, this thread will still exist somewhere in the depths of the database and you can look back and read the record of such an important time in your life.

It's great that you have a positive outlook on life now. I really hope that things go well for you, and your mother and sister.

 

[MadCat]

Ty both.

Things are kind of moving along slowly. The main thing to get sorted out is some money and then work on my disorders and stuff after that.

On Tuesday next week there are 2 people coming out to see me to help me fill in the forms properly and also to gather more information on myself to get the best treatment for me.

I've decided that I will never do this with meds, so we'll see what options are out there for me.

Obviously I am scared but not as scared as the first introduction to humans last thursday.

It's very hard for me but I am 100% going to get through this. I am going to be proud of myself at the end.

 

[Anonymous]

Not only will you be proud of yourself in the end, but you will also realize that-- "the end"-- will actually be approx. the middle of your brand new wonderful BEGINNING.

What a great example you have been to all of us!

Keep up the excellent work and best of luck to you!