My life is messed up and I think about suicide alot recently

[MarCPatt]

MadCat: You need to take action now, you know that something is wrong chemically with your brain at the moment. I think that you have to talk to your mother and ask your mother to read all these messages, many have given you. You have taken the place of your father. You say you hate abusers, but you are abusing yourself. It is not healthy at all to live like you live. Humans are social beings and need some kind of human contact. I am not saying that you have to be around people 24/7. You just need help to learn to not fear and hate them so much. PLEASE SEEK YOUR MOTHER'S HELP. She seems to love you and I think that she would do anything to help you out.

 

[Anonymous]

Just to update on the situation.

My mother has been in contact with social services and they have then had arranged a doctor to come out and visit me in Thursday at 9:30am. I'm scared about this (also about the time, cause I don't get up until the afternoon) but I think it's the first step. The doctor is coming out to do 2 things-

A) Help me get income support and disability support so I can get some money.
B) To try to help/find treatment for my social phobia.

I was told just today that the arrangement for the Dr. to come out on Thursday so it was a bit of a shock to me.

I feel really bad right now. Is it normal that I feel worse off then I did before? I'm starting to open my eyes more but it makes me feel horrible. I'm not going to give up because I really must get better.

But I think making a contact with Dr. after years is a first positive step. I'm trying not to think of negative things and I am worried what questions will be asked. I don't know what to say when the Doctor talks to me and I definantely can't make eye contact. It's ok though, I have to do something and I thank my mum for making the first step for me. After I have some kind of income I will not feel so useless because I can pay my mum.

I want to get better now but it's going to be a tough road ahead I think. I'll have to battle not only the world to claim my place, but my own mind.

I guess what was said was right. I am taking my fathers place and this is also something that gives me more strength, knowing that I don't want to be like him anymore. I am also letting him continue to abuse me by doing this to myself!

I'm not gonna be a loser like he is. He's a drunk alcoholic because he can't face reality. If I continue this way I will eventually move on to more drugs and probably end up like him.

Would it be ok if I post here often on my progress?

Thanks all.

 

[Anonymous]

WOW Madcat!!!
I am really happy to hear your wonderful news! Chances are, you will have a really good Dr. that will make you totally comfortable and you'll discover that all of your concerns and worries were a TOTAL waste of time. I'd be willing to bet that it's going to feel great to get all this stuff off of your chest and out in the open with someone that can help you! They have 'been there-done that', heard and seen pretty much of everything, so there is no reason for you to be shy or embarrassed. Just remember, this Dr. is there to help you, not condem you! It's not like you asked to be the way you are or want to be the way you are. This is a big step, but it's an important step and the RIGHT step! I am so happy for you and your Mum, Madhat!! Not only was I happy to read this update, but I think keeping in touch with any and all updates would be wonderful! If you need some reassurance, let us know here and we'll try to help you out.

Prayers and best of wishes!
Just remember...you CAN do this!!!

 

[Anonymous]

well done,this is a big step in the right direction,congratulate yourself.you are real lucky to have a mother who will give you the support you need right now.you will look back on this point,as the real turning point in your life.good luck and never give up.

 

[Anonymous]

By the way Madcat, it is perfectly normal to feel worse than you did before... some of the reasons for that is because you are facing and confronting your disorders head on now.. not putting them aside, or trying be comfortable with them or accepting them.

BUT... keep in mind that the Dr. visit is going to HELP you, and give your Mum some hope and freedom from her worring about you too, and all of that is going to make you feel better, so the confrontation is going to pay off in so many ways!

Madcat, you are going to be proud of yourself and your accomplishments, you'll see, and feeling good about yourself, even if it's only just a little bit in the beginning, is going to be worth all of the unneccessary second thoughts and concern you are experiencing right now.

It's going to be better than okay!! You are going to feel hopeful Madcat, imagine feeling some HOPE aftre all this time instead of hoplessness! :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

Another update:

I had a bad night sleeping. I kept waking up and it took me ages to get off to sleep.

30 minutes ago my mum got a called from *social services* and they said that they were going to send out one of their team with the doctor to try to get me help if I request it. This scared me shitless when my mum told me , because to me 1 person is a big crowd in itself.

2 people is definantly a huge crowd. I can't even talk to one person without locking up and looking stupid and 2 people?! Wow....This is going to be hard as hell to get through tomorrow.

I have promised myself that I am not going to perform or try to act my way through the situation. I will just be me but I am really scared.

I don't want to totally shut down and get to the point of not saying a single word. 4 years ago it was bad and I haven't even been intouch with strangers for 4 years basically, so I can imagine I will be even worse then before.

When the person from the social services asks me if I want help getting through my phobia, I am going to say yes. I'm to the point now that I really want help and any chance I get I want to take. I won't force myself to confront my fear because I first need to understand my fear and how it works. So I must learn about myself I think.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Words are beyond describing how fucking scared I am.

What if they both talk to me at the same time?

What do I say when they greet me. OMG I don't know.

Thanks for the support guys/girls, I really wouldn't me this close if it wasn't for this forum and my Mum. I would also like to note that my entire family suffers from social anxiety and my abuse as a child was probably just enhancing an already genetic problem.

The Doctor who is coming out is supposed to be volunteer (sp?) and has helped others with social disorders in the past. This is so scary but so amazingly GOOD at the same time. I'm gonna get through this fucking hell hole and take my place. I ain't gonna be afraid of people seeing me!

hehe

 

[Anonymous]

30 minutes ago my mum got a called from *social services* and they said that they were going to send out one of their team with the doctor to try to get me help if I request it. This scared me shitless when my mum told me , because to me 1 person is a big crowd in itself.

My gosh! No wonder you are scared! Your absolutely right and at THIS point, ONE is a crowd for you! Although they do have your best interests in mind and their intentions are all good, unfortunately, they only know what they read out of books and don't genuinely know first hand how we suffer and what takes place. Honestly Madcat, they have NO IDEA of the fear this is causing you, they are probably thinking you are thrilled & excited about help being on the way!

My advice, once again, is to tell your Mum what you expressed here, how you FEEL and tell her that you prefer to see the visitors in your room, or another room ONE at A TIME! Your Mum can talk with one while you are are with the other, and when you are through...then 'switch visitors'.

No matter what Madcat, keep this attitude:

. I'm gonna get through this fucking hell hole and take my place. I ain't gonna be afraid of people seeing me!

You were right about what you mentioned yesterday as well, (about your father) so keep telling yourself that you REFUSE to end up LIKE HIM!

Fight this war and WIN Madcat!! You ARE capeable of doing it and I am cheering you on! Don't let the disoorder(s) control you and make you weak! This may sound corny to you, but think of it as one of the games you play or have played on the net and be DETERMINED to win! When ever the voices of doubt start to convince you otherwise-- fight them with your strongest weapons, your will and determination not to be like your father and to make things better for you and you Mum!!!

This may sound corny to you too, but I'm working on my agoraphobia issues as well, and when I go out, I hold something in my hand or hands for security, and for my nervousness. What works for me are my keys on my keyring. I can keep my nervousness under control easier by tightly holding the keys, and the keys also serve as 'reminders' to me that one of them will unlock the door to my 'safe place', and that my safe place is there for me, waiting and that I don't need to be in that particular situation forever! (My psych approves of this, too!)

My fingers and my toes will all be crossed for you Madcat, and again, my prayers and BEST wishes and going to right there with the rest of your artillery! :wink:

Onward and upward Madcat!!

 

[Scottish_Player]

Hi ,madcap i have just been reading your post from start to finish and i could already see a positive change in your atitude

Everything will be fine for you tommorow.I often worry about new situations iam going to end up in and when they are over its never as bad as i expected,iam not saying its going to be easy for you but i bet you will feel a weight lifted from you when its over knowing that you have got the ball rolling.

(All this coming from a guy that cant get the courage to go to the doctors himself hopefully i will soon thought cause i need to start moving my life forward a little)

I look forward to reading your follow up post on how you get on

 

[Anonymous]

Wow thanks

It's 21:37 here (9:37pm) and I'm feeling very anxious about tomorrow. I will update on how things went tomorrow. I'm really glad too that I can get through this with people actualling knowing what I was like before.

None of what you said was corny either, guest.

This is the biggest progress I have made that I can remember. I always thought I was wrong and everyone else was right.

Later on I twisted that to help protect my fear by saying I was right and everyone was wrong, but in a very negative way.

I hope things go REALLY smooth tomorrow.

 

[Anonymous]

Hopefully they do. I can't wait for you to let us know how everything went.

 

[Anonymous]

Hi again Madcat.. I'm the 'corny' guest back again thinking about you and I want you to know, I didn't just type a bunch of words to try to cheer you up, I meant everything I said and I AM keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Please try not to worry about what you are going to say or how you are going to respond to any questions the Dr. & team member might ask you... like I mentioned before, usually, these professionals excell at making you feel comfortable, but just in case, keep in mind that you have these messages you posted here at SPW to back you up, and as a last resort, you can show them these messages to answer their questions. :wink:

Don't fret about trying to impress the Dr., team member-- or being someone you are not, just be natural and be who you are so they know exactly who you are and how they can correctly help you!

Everything will fall into place, if not immediately, SOON, you'll see!

I hope things go VERY smooth and VERY easy for you, too Madcat!

uuuuuuuu (horseshoes for good luck!!!) :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

Oh... and one more thing, too... don't allow the Dr./team member to intimidate you by their professionalism.... just because they have some schooling & training doesn't make them a better person than you are! If they had disorders, or an illness, someone else would be helping them! You aren't an inconvienience or bother, you are a person in need of some guidence/assistance. You are every bit the person they are but you just have yourself in an unfortunate rut at the moment. If you start to feel intimidated, tell yourself you could undoubtably beat them both at any cyber game! :wink:


You probably have qualities and abilities that will surpise you when you are able to discover them!

 

[Anonymous]

I hope so. Oh well, I'm feeling too weird at the moment. I will post tomorrow as soon as the thing is over with.

 

[Anonymous]

Ok, one final update before I sleep for a few hours.

I've been searching the web and I think I have got even closer to what is wrong with me.

I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. One thing I read was that it is common for someone with APD to push others way by hurting them or insulting. I have done that to all the females I have got close to online.

Here is what DSM-IV says

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy & hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood & present ín a variety of contexts, as indicated by 4 (or more) of the following:

1. avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval or rejection
2. ís unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
4. ís preoccupied with being criticized or rejected ín social situations
5. ís inhibited ín new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. views self as socially inept, personally unappealing or inferior to others
7. ís unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage ín any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

1
3
4
5
6
7

I am everything but 2. Do you think I should bring this up tomorrow? I'll check here before they arrive. I haven't had time to read many places but the one site I went to is so scary it sounds even more like me then 2social phobia".

 

[Anonymous]

It certainly couldn't hurt to tell them you found some symptoms that looked very similar (if not identical) to yours on the net. But likely the Dr. will still want to know all of your symtoms.

Hope you were able to get some sleep!

 

[Anonymous]

I am obligated to leave my 'safe place' today for a few hours... but I will be anxious to get home and find out how things went for you!

Best wishes!
"Corny" (my fingers are uncrossed at the moment to type... hope I can walk okay today with my toes crossed! )

(((Madcat))) hug

 

[Anonymous]

Wow!! It's done...

I don't know where to start. The Doctor was from the mental health support team and came 120 miles just because of my case.

At first, the anxiety was really bad.

I was shaking (visible to anyone observing me) and was sweating. I had trouble making eye contact and also I could hear my heart going crazy.

Sometimes (every 2 minutes) or so I'd have a muscle spasm in my left and right thigh and also my hands were shaking really bad.

Both of them were amazing because they didn't push me and let me take my time. The questions that were asked by the Dr was very hard for me to answer but he supported me through them by giving me examples and stuff.

When asked about my Dad I just started crying suddenly after I told the Dr I was abused. He said "It's ok, you're doing really well. We'll move on to the next question."

Also I cried when they both congratulated me on making a first step to recovery. There was too much to explain but they didn't try to force or intimidate me. When I wanted to speak, they would let me take my time and even during 5 minutes of silence (I froze once) they both just sat there quietly watching TV.

They both let me know that anything that was written down was confidential and I was welcome to look at any time what was being written.

The guy from social services is going to be dealing with my financial situation and the Dr is going to be dealing with my mental health and get me some kind of treatment.

He asked what type of treatment I would want and want I did not want. He also said he was really happy to know that I wasn't abusing any substance like alcohol.

Lots of stuff happened. Too much for me to explain!

He called back 40 minutes later (Dr Cameron) and told my Mum if she'd ask me if he could drop a letter off to my GP and tell him that Jonathan (me) wishes to be supported by the West Mental Health Team. This guy really seemed to understand how I felt and at the end he shaked my hand and said "Well done. I'll be in touch soon".

I am so happy. It was so scary but so positive.

 

[Anonymous]

YAY Madcat!!! I knew you could do it, and now I can uncross my fingers and toes, whew! :wink:

Isn't it wonderful? It's still going to be scarey sometimes, but at least now you know you aren't stuck in that awlful rut, you are on your way OUT!!
Yippie, yippie, yippe!!

Big THUMBS UP!! WELL DONE Johnathan!!!!

+++++++++++++++++

all 'plusses & NO negatives!'

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks

Also the doc said that he saw definate anxiety features in me. We also spoke about my fear of germs/viruses and he commented that it sounded like one of the barriers I put infront of myself to keep people away and myself away from other people.

Also said that I gave alot of very useful information to help them figure out a way to help me correctly. Another note he made was that he would not try to guess what is wrong with me even if I asked. He said that it's important that I get the right treatment that I need.

I missed out alot of things I could of told him, but I think I got a decent amount out. Like I said earlier, he really knew the right questions to ask. There was not a single question where I felt I was under pressure to answer because he made them so easy to understand.

He also gave me the choice in the beginning how I would like the whole thing to take place. He actually asked me if I'd prefer to just talk to him and the other guy after.

I'm trying not to be critical about everything but one thing that concerns me. Do you think it was stupid for me to cry openly like that? I just couldn't help it.

 

[Scottish_Player]

Hey Madcap iam pleased for ya,and iam glad it went as well as could be for you

It was the first thing i done just now when i looged on to my computer was to read how you got on