First off I would like to introduce my self and give alittle history. My name is Rusty I am 28 years old from ohio, I have never been professionally diagnosed with a condition but after much researcha and reading I belive its agrophobia . It all started one day i woke up and something didnt seem right, I was scared and terrified for no particular reason. I didnt do anything out of the odrdianary that pervious day but this day was far differnt. As i laied there trying to get a grip on what was going on I started to panic and wanted everything to stop right there but the more i thought in to the situation the worse it became. And then the nightmare begun...
After a few days i wasnt able to shake the feelings nad the fear. I didnt want to go anywhere or see anyone until it all stopped. Those few days now turned in to months. I would go to schoola and head stright for the nurses office and demand i get sent home i would tell her anything that i could to get out of there. If i wasnt able to have someone come and get me I would leave school my self and walk home. All i could think about is getting home to my safe zone. As this got worse I started to slip in to another nightmare a very dark and deep depression. I lost all motivation i had to do anything, go anywhere, and see anyone All i wanted to do is hide and never leave my safe zone. As the depressiona and the other problem worsended other things came t the surface. I had a sever fear of touching things. I would not touch anything in the house in fear something or someone would cause the feelings or panic to come back. I would hardly or barely eat anything that was not opened infront of me even dinner, even though i could trust my parents. But something in my mind didnt see it that way and wouldnt allow me to eat the food. I lost tons of weight and my parents kinda noticed something was wrong but i palyied it off well. I liked computers so they thought i was alllyways messing with them, and that was my hobby.
At this point I was at the darkest point in my life. I never finsihed high school, I never fisnihed anyhting that i started as a matter fact. Which also contributed to the depression and the feelings of wrothlessness and hopeless. I slowly worked my self out of the pits of hell as i called it but never fully recovered. I offten have mood roller coasters. I could feel motivated and good about something and then all of a sudden i dont want to do it anymore and just want to stay in my room. Which if anyone has this happen to them its virtualy impossible to get anything done at all. For many years i have been going through this and now another problem has krept up.. The agrophobia, it started about 5-6 years ago my world started to get smaller and smaller. I use to be able to drive anywhere and go places in my car.. but now I cant hardly leave the house. I have "i think" are the worse syptoms. If i try to leave the house i get really bad spouts of diarehha and other abdomanal issues along with sweating and panic. If I know i am going to have to leave, I will have to plan a day or so in advance to leave the house. And even then i am worried and scared that i am going to have a bad experience while i am out and be reallly embaressed. Other things i feel are heart paplitations i get these alot and i swear i think i am going to die any second. Even at night when going to sleep. Which is the worst for me. Its not uncommon for me to stay up for almost 24 hours at a time.. when i try to go to sleep my mind goes crazy. I get so scared that i am going to die in my sleep i almost have a attack right there. I try so hard not to think about it and think about other good things.. but i havent had any realy good things happen to me in the last 10-15 years. it seems now anything i do reminds me of a attact of feeling of some sorts. I am exhusted and tired of feeling this way and want to get away from it all.
Getting away form this seems to be a suggle for some and a slight inconvience for others. I on the other hand think this is going to be a long road. With no job and no money or insurance to see someoen i feel i am left with dealing with it by my self or taking my own life. Which i have prepared my self for. I have set up a will and other things my wife knows nothing about or any of my friend or fmaily. I have made a attempt about6 months ago that the firing pin on the gun broke when i pulled the trigger. I thought that was convient to happen right then and there. I need soeon help and dont know wha to do. I am tired of living like this and want it gone so i can live a normal life...
I am very sorry about the long post but i have never talked to anyone about this stuff.. so why not to strangers huh .. If you might be interested in being a pen pal of sorts my email is [email protected]
Thanks for reading
Russ.
After a few days i wasnt able to shake the feelings nad the fear. I didnt want to go anywhere or see anyone until it all stopped. Those few days now turned in to months. I would go to schoola and head stright for the nurses office and demand i get sent home i would tell her anything that i could to get out of there. If i wasnt able to have someone come and get me I would leave school my self and walk home. All i could think about is getting home to my safe zone. As this got worse I started to slip in to another nightmare a very dark and deep depression. I lost all motivation i had to do anything, go anywhere, and see anyone All i wanted to do is hide and never leave my safe zone. As the depressiona and the other problem worsended other things came t the surface. I had a sever fear of touching things. I would not touch anything in the house in fear something or someone would cause the feelings or panic to come back. I would hardly or barely eat anything that was not opened infront of me even dinner, even though i could trust my parents. But something in my mind didnt see it that way and wouldnt allow me to eat the food. I lost tons of weight and my parents kinda noticed something was wrong but i palyied it off well. I liked computers so they thought i was alllyways messing with them, and that was my hobby.
At this point I was at the darkest point in my life. I never finsihed high school, I never fisnihed anyhting that i started as a matter fact. Which also contributed to the depression and the feelings of wrothlessness and hopeless. I slowly worked my self out of the pits of hell as i called it but never fully recovered. I offten have mood roller coasters. I could feel motivated and good about something and then all of a sudden i dont want to do it anymore and just want to stay in my room. Which if anyone has this happen to them its virtualy impossible to get anything done at all. For many years i have been going through this and now another problem has krept up.. The agrophobia, it started about 5-6 years ago my world started to get smaller and smaller. I use to be able to drive anywhere and go places in my car.. but now I cant hardly leave the house. I have "i think" are the worse syptoms. If i try to leave the house i get really bad spouts of diarehha and other abdomanal issues along with sweating and panic. If I know i am going to have to leave, I will have to plan a day or so in advance to leave the house. And even then i am worried and scared that i am going to have a bad experience while i am out and be reallly embaressed. Other things i feel are heart paplitations i get these alot and i swear i think i am going to die any second. Even at night when going to sleep. Which is the worst for me. Its not uncommon for me to stay up for almost 24 hours at a time.. when i try to go to sleep my mind goes crazy. I get so scared that i am going to die in my sleep i almost have a attack right there. I try so hard not to think about it and think about other good things.. but i havent had any realy good things happen to me in the last 10-15 years. it seems now anything i do reminds me of a attact of feeling of some sorts. I am exhusted and tired of feeling this way and want to get away from it all.
Getting away form this seems to be a suggle for some and a slight inconvience for others. I on the other hand think this is going to be a long road. With no job and no money or insurance to see someoen i feel i am left with dealing with it by my self or taking my own life. Which i have prepared my self for. I have set up a will and other things my wife knows nothing about or any of my friend or fmaily. I have made a attempt about6 months ago that the firing pin on the gun broke when i pulled the trigger. I thought that was convient to happen right then and there. I need soeon help and dont know wha to do. I am tired of living like this and want it gone so i can live a normal life...
I am very sorry about the long post but i have never talked to anyone about this stuff.. so why not to strangers huh .. If you might be interested in being a pen pal of sorts my email is [email protected]
Thanks for reading
Russ.
