My fault?

[Wheeler]

Here is an idea I'm just starting to try to get my head around. Naturally, I was picked on all through school, Junior High being the worst. It wasn't so much physical abuse - I was too tall to fit into a locker - but mental and emotional. Name calling, rejection, ridicule, the usual stuff. I have always blamed myself for being picked on. If I was a better person, smarter, less scared, funnier, cooler, better looking, if I just wasn't me I wouldn't have been hurt so much. I still feel that way today. If someone hurts me it's my fault because I did something wrong. Could this be distorted thinking? I think I have this seed of a different way of seeing this and maybe if I could see how other people put it into words I could grab on to a different way of seeing things. Or am I doing everything wrong and I do deserve to be hurt all the time? Either way I'd love to hear what others have to say.

 

[Perfidion]

Some people are just arseholes, and there is no justice in the world. Anything deviating from the "norm" is regarded as strange and frightening and possibly dangerous. In many ways the human race hasn't progressed beyond the superstitious medieval peasant phase. It's not your fault. It's just the way things are. You learn to suck it up and move on.

 

[worrywort]

I was thinking about this the other day. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten all of my conclusions!...erm...but in your case I definitely don't think it's your fault....erm...I think maybe the key is in what you said here:

I still feel that way today. If someone hurts me it's my fault because I did something wrong

and I think maybe the solution would be in learning how to distinguish more clearly between right and wrong [which in itself is largely not your fault...the whole moral foundation in todays society is crumbling so I think MOST people find moral distinctions difficult]. But if you could develop a better grasp of what you consider right and what you consider wrong, then I think you'd find it easier to stand firm when receiving abuse for something you believe is not wrong.

for example, if someone mocks you because of your height or appearance, that is absolutely their fault and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Whereas if a teacher or parent tells you off because you stole something, for instance, then that probably would be your fault and the pain you feel may well be deserved.

But then the grey area inbetween those two extreme is a little muddy. Not being smart enough, cool enough or funny enough, doesn't sound like a valid reason for somebody to abuse you. In fact is there EVER an valid reason for someone to abuse you, unless you have somehow threatened or offended them first?...I'm not sure...

As for where you can find your moral framework, I guess thats up to you. Nobody really knows these days. Some get it from religion, some from their parents, some from the law, some from TV or films [in fact MOST people probably get it from TV and films these days], other people, or yourself.

 

[JA2007]

I don't think there is ever justification for bullying someone. I used to think just like you. I would feel all guilty and shameful when someone rejected me because I figured they had some kind of inborn authority over who was "cool" and worthy and who was not, and apparently I wasn't. Why is the other person always superior to us? Why can't it be the other way around? Every person is equally worthy of respect, no matter what kind of personality they have. I think one central key to overcoming SA is to realize that we are not lower or less worthy than anyone else.

 

[MadCat]

You know, emotional abuse is actually the worse type of abuse an individual can experience. Physical abuse can be dangerous, sure, but the physical state of the body during that abuse always leads to emotional damage. In the end, it's the emotional side of it that is the most damaging even in physically abusive situations.

You just have to remember that some people are cruel and selfish to the core, and will do whatever they can to feel a power buzz. Name calling can be horrible as well. There was an article about how name calling can strengthen children on the play ground, making them ready to tackle life ahead, because it makes them "popular". LOL!

If that were the case then me being called "loser" every single day at school really did make me strong. That coupled with abuse from home, yeah that really didn't help. Sure I was popular, but I was still a "loser", and I'll never forget that. I didn't want to be popular because even more people would jump in to call me a loser. I had one friend at school that turned on me as well, backstabbed me pretty good, all because he wanted to fit in with the masses. So in the end, I think that article was trash, especially in my case. Popular target for name abuse maybe!!!