My Abandonment issues

[Silentknight]

This is something I have not seen spoken about here, but I believe at least in my case to be a root problem to my avoidance of others. My feelings about this are justified in a way since so many people who have (through their own doing) become close to me have just up and disappeared so many times without ever giving a reason and have ignored my exsistence whenever we would cross paths. These feelings of abondonment have to be amongst the most most painful feelings I have ever felt and now I fear I may have set myself up for another fall after meeting someone through a mutual friend and becoming captivated by her and I am beginning to develop real feelings for her but I am so deeply afraid of her just disappearing like so many others. I don't know what I would do if I was put through those feelings again.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I have no idea if that can help, but I think some reasons why people might abandon you are that you stick too much, you are boring or you're always depressed. I don't know you, so I don't know if these things can apply on you. But if they do, some tips would be... Try to be in a positive mood when you hang out with her, show her that you are happy to see her, make her feel important (but without being too much), try to bring up interesting conversations that are not focused on yourself, and try to not contact her more than 2 times a week (unless if she tries to contact you) because being there too much is the best way to make anyone run away, girls or guys.

 

[Silentknight]

Yea well maybe holding on to hope that I wont be left alone again is just too much to ask so maybe I should just stop, lie down and never move again.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Yea well maybe holding on to hope that I wont be left alone again is just too much to ask so maybe I should just stop, lie down and never move again.

So I guess my answer didn't help heh. Why would you say people abandon you? Do you have an idea? Maybe you feel they are abandoning you but they just don't pay attention to you because they think you don't care about them?

 

[Zoya Dulzura]

I don't know how many instances you are talking about with people up and abandoning you, but it's possible that they are doing that because of their own issues and insecurities. I agree with Pacific Loner on that being positive and showing that you enjoy being around a person is a draw for anyone, as long as you don't come off as overwhelming or clingy. Complimenting someone or implying that something that they said is valuable or wise seems to make people open up to you, as long as you don't come off as insincere. If during conversation there is room to ask for the other person's advice on something, then you could try that, briefly. People like to feel like others find them important, and that what they saw is valuable or insightful. Essentially, people like to feel needed and respected. (Derrr, I know that's obvious, but sometimes I have to remind myself of things like this.)

 

[MollyBeGood]

my abandonment issues (i got em too) reminds me of this....better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

[Feathers]

Knight, I can relate to some of what you write...

Well, you know what they say: hope for the best and prepare for the worst?
I've been through some 'abandonment-related' issues and experiences too... Some people just die, or leave, or go different paths, or whatever... It's basically a fact of life... It's easier and better to just accept it... (It's not easy, it can be done though...)

For me, the solution is to always have people you can turn to - a few people as friends, a few forums to go to, a few possible mentors to go to...
In the past, a friend didn't like it, that I didn't put my whole attention to her as in 'best friends', but for me it was logical to be friendly with other people too...

Learning to get to know people and make friends is a skill.. And it's a transferrable skill, you can use it in all aspects of life.. There are books and articles and websites on this..

You are talking about someone romantically interesting to you... I do hope it works allright for the two of you.. (and you got some good tips from others above) It's important to get to know each other well first, your hopes and expectations, wishes and dreams for life... to see if you are compatible or not..

Know that it's good to have friends and other interests too, and 'backup plans' (even if it's as simple as 'watch film X or read book YZ' (several times).... ) so your whole life and future doesn't depend on 'one person only'... It's good that you are learning to love!!
Even if this doesn't happen in an exact same way as you'd wish, it can still be 'practice' for when you meet someone you are truly compatible with... You may know better what you are really looking for in a partner/relationship etc.

Some fear is normal, even people who later had very good relationships or got married were sometimes insecure or doubtful at first.. It's also good to listen to your intuition and your values a bit, and observe the other person well, to see if this person would really be someone you could have a good life with...