me..feeling bad..sorry


Well-known member
Just venting really.

Im having the hardest time Ive had for a while. People keep telling me Im lucky, I have a family and a job,(writing from home at moment) that means I can't have true social phobia, or its just a mild case. I do have a family and I do love them, but Im feeling so disconnected from them and not functioning so badly that Im just a burden to them and Im destroying them. I live in a house with 4 other people, yet I feel very very alone. I dont feel like I deserve them and they would be better off without me and Ive had thoughts of not being in this world anymore. I know I wont do anything like that, but I find my mind wandering in that direction. Thinking OK, sure they would be upset but Id soon be replaced with a new partner and kids would soon be saying their new mum was much better.

I have had problems for a long time, but full blown social phobia has come later in my life. Symptoms in my earlier life came out as eating disorders. Ive always been withdrawn from people. I had a very controlling abusing father and a mentally ill mother. My childhood was so controlled I didnt have a mind of my own. I was made to do stuff, I was forced to eat my dinner and do activities like music. Forced to practise hard, many hrs from 4 years old, sent to music school. Beaten if I didnt achieve absolute top marks in exams. Forced to audition for orchestras and take part in high competitions. I have a twin sister who was always one step above me, she was clever and always could achieve the very top mark, I was always one step below and got 99/100. The failure of the family. And also we were both being sexually abused by my dad, as long as I can remember up until I was 19. A few isolated abuse incidents also happened in my 20s by him. To the outside world we were the perfect family... I didnt actaully realise I was abused until i had councelling a couple of years ago for my SA. I knew I wasnt happy then but I didnt label myself as abused. It was normal, all Id known.

At 15 I was violently raped in the street by a man who lived up the road. I had severe injuries down below that required many surgeries to fix. This made my dad very very angry with me. I was left to deal with the whole thing without family support. I went to hospital alone and endured a court case, which went very badly, all alone. I was assigned a very nice care worker who stood by me, but times like that I needed my family.

Thats when anxiety problems really started. Going back to school after that was hell. I wasnt exactly bullied but people who had been my friends started avoiding me. I developed anorexia. After I left school I got in with the wrong crowd and ended up on drugs. I wasnt on drugs for long, I woke up and realised it was a bad path, but when I came off the drugs the anorexia got bad. I ended up in a mental hospital for 8 months. I was left there alone, whole time only visitor I got was my sister. It was an awful place to be. I was attacked by other patients and pushed around by staff. When I eventually got out I went back home to more abuse from dad, sexual, verbal and physical violence.

When I was 19 I basically married the first man I could to get out of home. I ended up in an abusive 6 year marriage, over the 6 years I had a broken foot, 3 broken ribs, broken cheek bone and strangled til i passed out and countless bruises and cruelty. Eventually he left me for a woman at work.

Soon after that I met my now husband in an internet chatroom and all the abuse stopped. Ive been here for 8 years now, but Im still locked in a life of anxiety, flashbacks, eating problems which affect everyone around me.

Trying to get help is soo hard. Having social phobia makes even going to the doctor a major task. Ive tried councelling privately a couple of years back, but even getting there is a major problem. It has helped to a certain extent, but Im far from cured.

I feel so bad right now, and it affecting everyone around and my friend. I only have one real friend that Ive met in person and hes a long long way away. Not sure how long they will put up with me. I so badly want friends and interaction but either it goes very very wrong, or the insecurity of having a friend makes me ruin it. Ive not left my house for days. Im going crazy here, desperately want to go somewhere, but nowhere to go, no one to go with and if I did have Id be too scared to go.

Sorry for my long blurb of crap. Needed to come out I think.


Well-known member
Hi miss_amy. I am really shocked at reading what you wrote, i never realised what such horrors you have gone through! You are very brave! If i had gone though half the stuff you describe i don't know how i would live.

I just want to say i admire your bravery. I hope you feel better soon. ((hugs))


Well-known member
I am very sorry, but I cannot think of a thing I could do to help you. I just hope you manage to solve it. Have you had a good talk with your husband about this?


Well-known member
8O That is unbelievable! I mean, it's hard believe that so many things that bad could happen to one person. Like recluse, I couldn't have survived all that, and I can't imagine how much courage you must have. I hope you can keep going and get through the remaining problems in your life.
I wish I could offer some kind of comfort or advice, but I can just say that you have admirable strength just to have survived that, and I'm glad you told us all this.
*more hugs*


Active member
Really sorry to hear about all the terrible things that have happened to you. It sounds as if you have a really supportive partner and a good friend. I hope you'll be able to talk to them about how you feel though I know how hard it can be when you're really depressed. With all you've been through I guess it'll be inevitable that you're going to feel really bad at times but I'm sure it will pass and you'll start to feel less terrible. Hope you start to feel better soon. Sorry this message seems a bit inadequate but I just wanted to try and say something.


Well-known member
Miss Amy, I read your post and words cannot express what I feel. If it means anything, I do admire the courage it must have taken to write that down. I actually feel angry that any one person should have to endure so much pain and so much suffering. It's totally understandable that you feel the way you do right now. We are all thinking of you.


Well-known member
Hey, i just wish you to know that i admire you so much. My mother have a story like yours and i can't possibly begin to understand how she felt.

in fact when i first read you post when you said things about a" new mom", i felt the same anger as when my mother said something like it to me, i felt the same urge to yell "shut up".

I know that wasn't nice depression isn't yours or hers fault , but i couldn't simplily hear those words.

i wish you to know that as much as i know she is unreplaceble, i know the people who love you and care for you knows that you're unreplaceble in their lifes.

I strongly believe that you should remember everyday: You are unreplaceble, ever more to those who love you.

i don't know if its of any good, i just felt like writing, i know that those who have a heart admire you deeply, and now i know i have one :)
wow, you're so strong! You're amazing, and I hope your life gets better cos you deserve it. that's great that you have a good husband now, I hope you find some way of dealing with all your issues. Maybe talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling, the stuff about feeling bad that it's affecting everyone and not feeling able to leave the house?
Glad you got it all out here though! Better out than in I say!
Feel better :(