Loyal's Thoughts

[LoyalXenite]

I've noticed a few people have journals (or similar) on here so i thought i'd give it a go too. I wont repeat what was i put in a previous post if i can help it.

Today has been a bad day. My best friend, who was killed a year and a half ago, should have turned 40 today. My partner is still away, she was supposed to be here for it but didn't come, so she promised to call, its 8.32 pm and she hasn't called.

So needless to say i haven't been doing so well today, I've alternated between sobbing and sitting here numb predominately throughout the day. But as its gotten later my mind seems to have gotten darker.

I've tried to keep my mind occupied as much as possible but I've always had problems getting control over my thoughts.

I'm not too sure why i felt the need to start a thread on here for this, partially to have somewhere to vent in daily without creating new threads for each one and partially because i need to pretend that someone will read this and care.

I'm still feeling terribly lonely, today I've had some considerable trouble not thinking about self harming. Its been about a year and a half to two years since i last self harmed and a bit longer since i last attempted suicide. The main reason i stopped was because my partner said she couldn't be with someone who self harmed, so to avoid losing her I've stopped. But that hasn't stopped the thoughts, and with her gone, mainly because i don't know when i will see her again or if she will even come back, I've had more trouble than usual not slipping into those dark thoughts.

Anyone that reads this (and cares) doesn't need to worry i'm not going to do anything of that sort if i can help it, that's part of the reason i'm writing this as well, to vent it out and get some control. If need be i also have lifeline's number ready, but i don't think i will need it, it's really just there as a comfort to know i have options.

dont really know what else i want to say. just that its been a bad day, and i miss my partner, and i miss my best friend. ::

"every day was a blessing in my life when you were here, every moment is cherished in my thoughts, you are loved, you are missed, you are remembered..."
Happy Birthday Gabe ♥
You should have turned 40 today..
i hope wherever you are finally free and happy.
You were my best friend and i miss you so much everyday.
30/03/1973 - 11/12/2011

 

[LoyalXenite]

So far today has been better, i had a family morning tea for easter which went well. I got to rant at my aunt a bit over how bad my last week has been and I got to play with my young cousins, they are 3 and 6, which was nice and distracting.

Later tonight i go out with my partner's sister to the movies and dinner, which will be good because the nights are the hardest time to be alone. I have a few hours before that happens but i think i can stay distracted long enough to hold myself together.

Im feeling conflicted really, im alternating between thinking im strong enough to survive this and then a moment later i think no, this is killing me. Overall though, today has been easier than yesterday.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Bad day today..
Have a huge amount of cleaning and studying to do and i seem to be running on empty.

My partner barely texts back, and when she does they are usually short. Her phone calls arent daily anymore either.
She is supposed to come home tomorrow for one night, but i know its not going to happen, her little sister is going to find some way to keep her there and i wont see her for who knows how long. We were supposed to go to a party this saturday but she wont be back for that either, i cant go to the party alone.

I've tried to stay busy today and not think about things, but despite all i have to do i cant shut my mind up.

Im miserable and lonely and feel as though a knife is cutting chunks out of my chest leaving me hollow and wounded. Im worried that my partner knows, but doesnt care. She says im just as important as her younger sister, but then why hasnt she come home for just one night, why was she not there on saturday when i REALLY needed her. Why does she rarely text and call.

This is killing me ever so slowly, but killing me all the same.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Did not manage to fit in study, cleaned, managed to grocery shop, then came home and fell apart.
Not emotionally stable enough to concentrate on any of my lectures. Im going to pay for it i know but i just cant get anything done.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Just wanted to leave a message here for you to say that I've been following your entries and I'm really sorry its so tough right now. :sad:

Thanks

Today may be a better day, my partner is on her way down to stay the night. If she actually does end up staying the night that will be great. But if she does what she did last time and stay for less than 2 hours then go back it's really gonna suck. So im excited but trying to tell myself not to be hopeful, coz she may not stay in the end.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Feeling very conflicted right now. My partner is due to arrive home any time now to stay for the night before going back to help her sister. Im very excited to see her again, you may not have noticed but i've been quite lonely , but on the other hand im worried that she will not stay the night and it will end up being like the last time. When she came down, was supposed to stay the night but ended up packing some clean clothes and stuff, and leaving within two hours.
I've tried to not be hopeful because i'll be devastated if it happens again but at the same time i cant help myself, i went and bought a bunch of nice food so i can make her a delicious dinner, i cleaned the house somewhat and got stuff ready for her return... No matter how hard i've tried to not get my hopes up i know i'm stupidly hopeful, and im also very afraid. Afraid that she wont stay the night, and afraid that maybe she is coming back to tell me she feels she has to move back to her parents place to be there for her sister.
The fear and worry and excitement has me very restless and shaky, i'm trying to study to keep my mind of it, but its not really helping, but i also have to study because i've been falling behind a bit with getting myself so depressed while she is away.
I hope so much that she will stay the night and that my fears will not be realised.

 

[Srijita52]

^I hope she does stay and two of you have a great time.

 

[LoyalXenite]

She did stay the night. I had a wonderful 20 hours with her. Got to have dinner with her, got to have snuggles in bed with her, had a great time with her.
Then she had to leave. I've just gotten home from taking her to the station, i dont know when i will see her next.
Its so hard to be here without her. I feel miserable, she promised to be home for my birthday next month, and our anniversary which is also next month. But prior to that she cant say when she will see me. She said she would try and visit at least once a week until this is all sorted. She had to defer from Uni because of this, she didnt need the added stress and needs to focus on her sister, then on her own health. So i dont know how long this will go on for now that she doesnt have to come back for uni.

It hasnt been long since she left and im already a mess, the loneliness is already agonising.
Im trying to stay focused on the fact that at least i got to see her and had a nice night, but its so hard.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Not doing well.
So lonely.
Dont know how im going to face getting up tomorrow for Uni, got to get up at 5.45 to travel 3 hours for two pointless tutorials then travel 3 hours only to come home to a lonely house. Then do it again on friday for only one, one hour class. Then come home again to a lonely house. The prospect is so very daunting.

Im so lonely, barely stop crying for more than 5 minutes. Feeling very nauseous and shaky.

 

[Srijita52]

Not doing well.
So lonely.
Dont know how im going to face getting up tomorrow for Uni, got to get up at 5.45 to travel 3 hours for two pointless tutorials then travel 3 hours only to come home to a lonely house. Then do it again on friday for only one, one hour class. Then come home again to a lonely house. The prospect is so very daunting.

Im so lonely, barely stop crying for more than 5 minutes. Feeling very nauseous and shaky.

I'm sorry, lonliness is awful I know. If you want to talk my inbox is always open.

 

[LoyalXenite]

Thanks


I did manage to go to uni today. Still not sure how i managed it but i did.
After a terrible night of very dark thoughts and very restless sleep i dont know how i got out of bed and moving for uni, i managed to sleep ok the train better than i did at home. I think the movements were soothing. Although i was mortified to realize i almost snuggled with a stranger

It was very cold and i was dozing at that stage and the stranger next to me was emanating body warmth, so i kept finding myself leaning toward her (i had forgotten a jacket in my misery).

Got to Uni early somehow, i must have managed to get a slighter earlier train than usual, a hot chocolate was also quite comforting and eased my worries a bit. Managed to get through both my tutorials ok, i tried to be social in the class (we get marked on participation unfortunately). I managed to comment once in both classes, and even had two conversations with classmates.
In gender studies we have to do group projects so i managed a couple comments there. Overall i think i did well today at uni.

The train trip home got rough at some points, knowing i was coming home to an empty house is always hard, if i didnt have the pets waiting for me i dont think i could handle it.

Hard point to today was my partner didnt answer any texts til quite late in the day, when i was already on the way home, so that made it harder. Pulled myself together a little bit after falling apart a little bit.

not sure how i am right now, a bit numb really.

 

[LoyalXenite]

starting to get anxious about this weekend. My partner MAY come down for two whole nights, which would be great (but i dont want to get my hopes up incase it doesnt happen). BUT her sister would be coming with her, which would mean i get no time with my partner anyway, and my home is invaded. Considering its a once bedroom unit and all the entertainment stuff is in the bedroom i daresay she will spend any time that she is in the house in my room. I will have nowhere to retreat to.
I will be trapped having to be polite to a person who hates me, in my own home. I wont be able to be affectionate with my partner because her younger sister hates the "gay thing", and with the younger sister there it'll essentially mean i get no time with my partner anyway.

It makes it seem pointless really. I want to see my partner more than anything, but i dont want her younger sister here. Any other of her family members i wouldnt mind, but not her younger sister who hates me and would make it REALLY uncomfortable.

Getting really tired of all this crap.

 

[MikeyC]

If she hates you, why would the younger sister come by? Why would she let herself into someone else's place and throw hate at you? It's your house - you make the rules, not her!

 

[LoyalXenite]

If she hates you, why would the younger sister come by? Why would she let herself into someone else's place and throw hate at you? It's your house - you make the rules, not her!

Because its my partner's house too. She wont be obviously rude or anything, she is always polite to my face, its behind my back that she says ****. I know while she is here she will be snooty but polite, but it'll still make it uncomfortable and awkward

 

[LoyalXenite]

Was writing out a list of everything i have to do tomorrow if they are going to come down. It is insane. Between cleaning, food shopping (because there isnt really any food in the house) and the lectures i have to do, plus the assignments and readings and other study things. It will take me 35 hours to complete the list.
and i have to fit that into tomorrow because i leave in about an hour for Uni and becuase of how long it takes me to travel there i dont get home today until about 10pm to 11pm depending if i get lucky and make the early train...
So i have to prioritize of course.. Just the cleaning and food shopping before they get home is the priority.. which takes 9 hours all up roughly...
THEN i can start to do my studies...

This is ridiculous that i have to do so much cleaning, for my partner to come with her sister, so i can be uncomfortable and ignored in my own home, cant even interact with my partner normally because it would make her homophobic sister uncomfortable! Then they will go out and do things and then after two days leave and it will be like i never had my partner here.

Im having enough trouble staying afloat with all my studies and cleaning, i havent been to the doctors or made an appointment to get back into therapy. I cant do everything bu myself.
I had to do it all by myself for long enough when she went away last time, i cant do it again, i have too much to do.

And it seems so unfair that i have to break my back for a weekend that is just going to depress me more. The sister will look down on our place anyway, snooty thing that she is our place will be too shabby for her anyway.

I hate that i have to be all nice and welcoming and break my back and fall behind in my studies. I'll do it for my partner but its so unfair.

Im so overwhelmed right now

 

[LoyalXenite]

trying to get ready for my tutorial but im just stressing over how much i have to do...

Its just too much for me.
Its been too much for me to do all this myself anyway, let alone the extra effort i have to put in now. Between the amount of study and cleaning i have to do usually, while trying to battle all my mental issues and get motivated enough to leave the bed let alone be productive.
Im strongly wondering if i could hire someone to help me clean tomorrow..

I cant keep doing everything by myself.

 

[MikeyC]

Can you tell your partner that you're being overwhelmed?

 

[LoyalXenite]

Can you tell your partner that you're being overwhelmed?

She knows. But her younger sister is her priority at the moment. She said to me she knows im strong enough to handle it.

She is wrong in this case, im not strong enough to handle it all alone. mg:

 

[MikeyC]

She's obviously seeing some strength in you that you can't see. I hope it all works out!

 

[LoyalXenite]

I am on the train home. It's 7.15pm and my partner has not replied to any texts all day. I am feeling very anxious and close to tears. Trying to hold myself together until I'm home is going to be hard. I strongly contemplated just getting off my train at a random spot and just walking on and on, but then I remembered with y partner away the pet's need dinner. So im trying to stay in control.

I can't keep going through this. I'm falling apart more and more and I don't know if I can ever put myself back together again. I don't know why she hasn't replied. She knows how much I need her texts and calls, I've had no calls for I think 3 days now, and minimal texts.

I can't do this.