Love-Shyness

[Artanis]

iam 20 years old and never had a real girlfriend ive never kissed or hugged a girl. i really want a girlfriend but find it hard to do so. everyoneelse in my family has someone but me. its just not right i deserve someone but girls just hate me. whenever i find a girl i like she say like you as a friend or nothing more or leave me alone or i will call the cops. i have been in troulbe for stalking and have been accoused of stalking 7 or 8 girls i dont remember. IT JUST NOT RIGHT IAM A NICE PERSON. i have just completely given up trying to find love in this world. i think dating is overrated anyway. go out with some shrill harpie who will talke your money and soul. women are evil all of them i think it should be legal to hurt women. they do nothing but treat men like there own personal wallet and when they run out of money they go find another sucker. all guys that date are suckers. I also thing public dsiplays of affection should be illegal.

So you're at that stage where you're becoming infatuated with the pretty girls who (usually) have the long hair and pretty face? - but you don't have the social skills or self esteem or confidence in yourself to act like a normal assertive guy? - you can't overcome your anxieties about interacting with young women who are potential romantic partners and are terrified of being rejected by them? - Am I right so far?
you're saying that you are a nice person but quite clearly your frustrated and angry in spite of being outgoing and generous and considerate and polite to other people... right?

I find it enormously frustrating to watch couples being affectionate in public because of how that contrasts to my own situation. HOWEVER, i wouldn't want it to be illegal for healthy people to do healthy things because I understand that it is me (and you) who are unhealthy and need to recover from a debilitating and crippling condition.
I would strongly disagree with your attitude towards women though. honestly i find your attitude of wanting to hurt women for how you feel hurt by them to be despicable and repugnant. don't lash out at others, seek help instead. you need it...

 

[Artanis]

The one big similarity I see (besides the overall anxiety and love-shyness, of course) is that we both feel like we missed out on something in our formative years. The accelerated social development that comes about in adolescence may be vitally important, especially in romantic relations -- it's a depressing thought, but it could be that we simply missed out on a crucial development period and can never fully recover it, much the way that language acquisition becomes ten times more difficult past childhood. A learning area of the brain blossoms for new information and norms at a given age, and then withers when the allotted time has passed. We may have missed the window.

I've identified what that was for my own case: not having a positive male role model to learn how to be masculine from. My father was absent throughout most of my growing up and so my masculinity has been defined instead by women - my mother, teachers, etc...
Also not having a sister while growing up has mad it much more difficult to relate to and understand girls and women my own age

I've got some other thoughts and such, but I'll save them for later I suppose. I need to sleep now!

Keep those thoughts coming please!

 

[Artanis]

I've not had much problem with women either dating or as freinds, I have SA with everyone. I have been officially diagnosed with S.A.D. I do wonder if SA and love shyness are two seperate issues. I see this site frequented by a lot of single guys with the "never had a GF" problem. Maybe it really isnt SA and this LS condition?

I browsed the forums over at love-shy.com - Home and saw alot of guys on there who seem fine with other guys, it's girls they totally struggle with, this is very different to SA

I used to have social anxiety disorder, but I think i've pretty effectively recovered from that. I still have Chronic Love-Shyness though of course and avoidant personality disorder which is very closely related to love shyness...

 

[Artanis]

Interesting article on this in the Sunday Times today:

Love shyness: the 'condition' crippling men - Times Online

Love shyness: the 'condition' crippling men

They dream of intimacy with a woman, but can’t even bring themselves to say hello. Are these men just very shy, or are they suffering from a rare psychological condition?

the article could be better, but at least our problems are getting some attention. reading the comments is just as interresting to see the reactions of opeople unfamiliar with LS. Thanks for posting this...

 

[Cynic]

its just not right i deserve someone but girls just hate me.

Nobody has a divine right to have a girl.

whenever i find a girl i like she say like you as a friend or nothing more or leave me alone or i will call the cops. i have been in troulbe for stalking and have been accoused of stalking 7 or 8 girls i dont remember.

Maybe you creep them out.

IT JUST NOT RIGHT IAM A NICE PERSON.

A lot of guys who claim that they are nice often aren't as nice as they make out. Besides, women don't want nice.

First you say...

i really want a girlfriend

Then you say...

i have just completely given up trying to find love in this world. i think dating is overrated anyway. go out with some shrill harpie who will talke your money and soul. women are evil all of them i think it should be legal to hurt women. they do nothing but treat men like there own personal wallet and when they run out of money they go find another sucker. all guys that date are suckers. I also thing public dsiplays of affection should be illegal.

In that case, so should poor displays of sarcasm.

The one big similarity I see (besides the overall anxiety and love-shyness, of course) is that we both feel like we missed out on something in our formative years. The accelerated social development that comes about in adolescence may be vitally important, especially in romantic relations -- it's a depressing thought, but it could be that we simply missed out on a crucial development period and can never fully recover it, much the way that language acquisition becomes ten times more difficult past childhood. A learning area of the brain blossoms for new information and norms at a given age, and then withers when the allotted time has passed. We may have missed the window.

That makes a lot of sense I'm afraid.

 

[kamen rider destrucity]

okay iam sorry about that last post i was just venting. iam depressed that i have trouble with women and the only thing i can be with a girl is just friends. and yes i have completley given up on every EVER finding a girl i dont need a girlfriend and yes i do think dating and sex are overrated. i dont want to hurt women and if people want to kiss in public thats there call. i just felt angry over the fact that women either see me as some rapist stalker or just a friend.::

 

[ratslicer]

okay iam sorry about that last post i was just venting. iam depressed that i have trouble with women and the only thing i can be with a girl is just friends. and yes i have completley given up on every EVER finding a girl i dont need a girlfriend and yes i do think dating and sex are overrated. i dont want to hurt women and if people want to kiss in public thats there call. i just felt angry over the fact that women either see me as some rapist stalker or just a friend.

i understand what you mean. it is very frustrating to be treated like a stalker/rapist/freak just because you express interest in a woman and yes it has happened to me as well [3 years ago almost] and it was the last straw for me i stopped trying after that. lately ive come to the point of accepting that it will probably stay this way and that i have to try to keep going in life regardless of it following in the footsteps of my uncle who never married but was successful otherwise. when i found the part of the love-shyness book about this i became quite upset especially since it says there being victimized by us, as if a crime had been commited just for simply wanting to be with them.

 

[crestfallen.]

i understand what you mean. it is very frustrating to be treated like a stalker/rapist/freak just because you express interest in a woman and yes it has happened to me as well [3 years ago almost] and it was the last straw for me i stopped trying after that. lately ive come to the point of accepting that it will probably stay this way and that i have to try to keep going in life regardless of it following in the footsteps of my uncle who never married but was successful otherwise. when i found the part of the love-shyness book about this i became quite upset especially since it says there being victimized by us, as if a crime had been commited just for simply wanting to be with them.

The same kinda thing happened to me eight years ago, where I was wrongly (imo) accused of stalking. And the interest I showed in them (at the time, these three girls adopted me into their social group) was only the kind of concern friends show for one another. No more, no less.

It happened on a day where I got out of class late. As I'm walking to the train station, I notice them leaving school too. They spotted me and ran away. I panicked and ran towards them. In the midst of my panic, it didn't occur to me I may have been the problem. The only thought I had was that something was wrong, and that as their friend, I wanted to know what it was. But I wasn't able to catch up with them, and soon a rumor surfaced that I followed one of them home (completely impossible since I didn't even know what train she lived near, let alone how to get to her place). The whole thing was just a freak accident. Of all the days I ended up having to stay after school, that happened.

Eventually, I was able to rebuild friendships with two of them...but never again with the girl whom the stalking rumors were about. This episode is part of the reason why I'm afraid of having close relationships with people, especially with girls. I feel like the closer I get to them, the more likely I am to end up hurt because they'll show they don't feel the same way. So I figure I'm best off hiding my care for them for as long as I possibly can.

 

[ratslicer]

The same kinda thing happened to me eight years ago, where I was wrongly (imo) accused of stalking. And the interest I showed in them (at the time, these three girls adopted me into their social group) was only the kind of concern friends show for one another. No more, no less.

It happened on a day where I got out of class late. As I'm walking to the train station, I notice them leaving school too. They spotted me and ran away. I panicked and ran towards them. In the midst of my panic, it didn't occur to me I may have been the problem. The only thought I had was that something was wrong, and that as their friend, I wanted to know what it was. But I wasn't able to catch up with them, and soon a rumor surfaced that I followed one of them home (completely impossible since I didn't even know what train she lived near, let alone how to get to her place). The whole thing was just a freak accident. Of all the days I ended up having to stay after school, that happened.

Eventually, I was able to rebuild friendships with two of them...but never again with the girl whom the stalking rumors were about. This episode is part of the reason why I'm afraid of having close relationships with people, especially with girls. I feel like the closer I get to them, the more likely I am to end up hurt because they'll show they don't feel the same way. So I figure I'm best off hiding my care for them for as long as I possibly can.

In my case It went like so. I didnt get in trouble but something in my eyes many times worse. I had expressed interest in a girl who had visited my church on several occasions whos name was Marisa. she was very attractive personalitywise and i couldnt help but want to be with her but I used msn to hide behind as always because talking to her directly would of been very difficult and because she lived quite far from my town.

Then came an opportunity to see her again [this was after i made her aware of my interest in her] at a church event. Of course as soon as she appeared I was frozen solid and couldnt speak so all I could do is watch from afar longingly and be terribly nervous and frozen when she was nearby. Apparently they did not take this too well. I did not see them online for 2 days after this and when she did show up she was acting very weird and freaked out like I had done something horrible to her or something [ex: repeated use of the word "Okay"]. They told me that they had to go and promptly disapeared and i told them good night with the expectation of talking to them again within the next few days. I knew something was horribly horribly wrong deep down. An inspection of the msn list [the thing that shows who has you added] about 45 mins later confirmed my worst fear she was gone[deleted me not to be heard from again.] That was the last time i ever tried to get a girl. I have been silent for almost 3 years now. Its been a struggle but ive managed to keep going. Currently I have no intentions of trying to get any girls to me its just not worth the risks and terrible consequences when things go wrong. I just choke any interests in girls that arise. [which have occasionally happened since ]

They[Marisa] have never returned to my church since. I did find her a couple of years later [on msn] and tried to resolve things but every time i talked to her i sensed a critical and suspicious attitude on the other end [even when trying to be friendly]which they have also passed onto anyone affliated with me.:: I avoid her and any places were she might be. I still cant help but care about her regardless of all this [even though i am very hurt by it all :: and cannot allow her to know about those feelings for her]

 

[Artanis]

that sort of thing hapenned to me several times years ago.

between years 8 and 11 I was deeply infatuated with 4 girls, and almost one more had circumstances been different. so I saw the same thing happen to me time and again: I would become attracted to a pretty girl in my class, I wasn't able to interact with her in a way that could have developed into a relationship but rather involved staring, pining, and just trying to interact with her without much success because I wanted her but couldn't do anything practical about it. After rejections and intentionally hurting myself emotionally to stop my feelings of attraction for whichever girl it was at the time, I knew that I couldn't keep doing this and so I brutally inhibited myself, didn't allow myself to have feelings of attraction for those pretty girls with (most of the time) the long hair and pretty face and kind personality (basically not stuck-up girls)
I basically gave myself Avoidant Personality Disorder by doing that. For a long time I was depressed and basically had no personality or sense of humour except from when I was completely distracted from my own existence with escapism (books, TV, DVDs, Games, etc.)
Therapy helped a little with the anxiety, but didn't deal with the love-shyness or lack of confidence or self-esteem and so I only managed to get into another infatuation with (then) my best friend at university. I lost an entire circle of friends because of that and went back to a state of personality shut-down and use of escapism as a coping mechanism.

Have been going to therapy again lately. Almost became infatuated with a pretty girl who works in another store in the same building, but she and her workmates must have moved on because there are only new people at that store now and I haven't seen her in weeks.

I don't know what I'm capable of anymore...

 

[ratslicer]

::now im wound up on some other girl who helps me with my data comm work. the anxiety has gotten really bad lately i am terrified of running into her somewere around the premises [one time earlier in the year i was outside waiting for the bus and saw someone approaching i looked to see who it was and it was her and she looked behind her as if to try to figure out what i was looking at and i was just like to myself aw sh*t... and didnt look her way again.] so i just hide out in the upstairs parts of the building were no one really goes. unfortunately seeing her is inevitable because i need her help and i know something akward is going to happen :: ive been dreading this for months everytime i go to the help place i get very nervous because she might be in there somewere and i imagine whats going to happen. i swore i saw her go into the network administration class when i was waiting outside for data comm yesterday and i was just like :| i dont know if she recognized me cause i wasnt facing her just saw her out of the corner of my eye. currently im trying to stifle the feelings i have for her even though i dont want to by trying to like other girls. i know its a lousy solution to my problem and its not working but i dont know what else to do

 

[Rxqueen]

Even though I'm a girl I think I have love-shyness because I have yet to be in a relationship at the age of 22. Though mine manifests in a different way. Every time a guy seems remotely attracted to me I always find a way to push him away even if I like him. It's like some type of defense mechanism or something I'll try to reject him or seem disinterested or I'll just go into a state of silence which I really can't help. I just don't know how to act around guys and anytime a guy seems interested in me I freak out get scared and find the fastest way out of the situation. I really wish I could be different but it seems I'm trapped in an internal hell. I feel for guys because its gotta a be a lot worse having to go up to girls and subsequently getting rejected. I feel even worse because I could be one of the girls giving out the rejections even though I really don't want to. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else....

 

[ratslicer]

Even though I'm a girl I think I have love-shyness because I have yet to be in a relationship at the age of 22. Though mine manifests in a different way. Every time a guy seems remotely attracted to me I always find a way to push him away even if I like him. It's like some type of defense mechanism or something I'll try to reject him or seem disinterested or I'll just go into a state of silence which I really can't help. I just don't know how to act around guys and anytime a guy seems interested in me I freak out get scared and find the fastest way out of the situation. I really wish I could be different but it seems I'm trapped in an internal hell. I feel for guys because its gotta a be a lot worse having to go up to girls and subsequently getting rejected. I feel even worse because I could be one of the girls giving out the rejections even though I really don't want to. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else....

i have unfortuantely done the same [pushing people away, and being mean to make them go away, etc] to the very odd girl that liked me and i deeply regret it now but there is nothing i can do to fix it.

 

[zlench]

Anytime somebody tries to get close to me and just push them away because I just have really diffcult to have any relationships because I just don't know how to deal with people. I just run out of things to say to them and they must think I'm the most boring person alive. I also hate getting rejected by some guy because I'm unable to express myself to them even though I try.

 

[ratslicer]

ahh:: i was just out of class and supposed to meet a friend at the bus stop but he had left a couple of minutes before i had gotten there which i did not know at the time. i was waiting out there for about 15 minutes and i opened my laptop to check the time as i was about to leave out of the fringe of my vision i noticed someone approaching me it took me no more than a second to do the math, girl + medium stature + blue jacket + long black hair [didnt have to even look at her directly to know, as i said before the last time i merely looked her way was akward :/] and i immediately knew who it was and i was like oh sh*ttt... and inside i must of jumped about 10 feet [it was the girl who helped me with my dcom] and i i just looked at my laptop screen in terror and pretended not to notice her walking by. its been tormenting me ever since:: i had managed to choke the feelings for her but now there back :/ still dont know why she had to walk right by me around the same time that i was standing at the bus stop just because my friend didnt show up its like someones trying to mess with my head or something.::

 

[ratslicer]

last night i was beating myself up over it and concluded that it wouldnt happen again. WRONG:: was sitting outside on the floor waiting for network administration class today and had my laptop and was messing with something. the teacher was taking a long time to get to class and i looked up to see if the teacher had arrived yet and she [girl i mentioned before] was right there in front of me going into the data comm lab :: and i was just like to myself and got sickish feeling after. why is this happening to me::

 

[Halleluja]

I'm a 20 something love-shy male student. I've never had a girlfriend, I've never been kissed and I'm not sure whether I ever will. Here's the thing though: I've come to terms with it.

I remember the first and only time a girl was interested in me. I was a 13 year old boy, with emphasis on 'boy'. A friend of hers told me about her and she wanted me to make a move. As young and immature as I was, peer pressure got the worst out of me. I looked at my friends and told her: 'Tell her I'm not interested in snobby bitches like her.' What I told her was based on absolutely nothing as I never spoke to her. Almost immediately after, I started to have this extreme guilt and feelings of regret. I felt so ashamed of myself that I couldn't even apologize for my inexcusable behaviour. I swore to myself that I'd never disrespect a girl or woman like that again. At that moment I started to put girls and women on pedestals ( figuratively speaking ) and became love-shy.

In the same year that I became love-shy, I also became socially anxious. We moved from the big city to a town where I had to start all over. I lost almost all of my friendships during that period and had difficulties finding the will to live and love...

Ten years later, I can proudly say that I've defeated social anxiety. I smacked that little bitch across the face and I hope I'll never see it again. Sure, I still feel nervous and tense sometimes but that's completely normal depending on circumstances. The love-shyness however never went away.

I used to think I deserved being love-shy. I thought it was karma's way to punish me for being a complete asshole at some point in my life. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong and forgot about the things I did right, which are plenty. Now that I can look back at the person I was with more wisdom, knowledge and maturity, I'm proud of what I've become: a gentle soul, imaginative, easy-going, caring, funny and ( unfortunately) love-shy.

Ah, I remember the first time a girl really hugged me. It happened about 4 years ago. Not the kind of hug you casually give your friends but the kind of hug you give to show someone how much you really care and to reassure them. It was a goodbye hug, but it was so sincere: cheek to cheek, chest to chest, my arms around her. It sounds so completely ridiculous I know, but at that point I started to realize what I had been missing for the last couple of years. I started to crave human touch, signs of affection, to know that I do care as a human being.

My attitude has changed tremendously, in a positive way, during the last couple of years, but even despite that I find myself grieving over the love life I never had. I try to convince myself that love and lust are just two aspect of my life, albeit considerably huge ones. I'm done with blaming myself and others though. It's a waste of time. I've considered going to prostitutes, but I don't think it's going to change things in the long run. My psychotherapist says I could be intimidating to girls. That there are probably a lot of girls who are interested in me, but they think they're out of my league. No, trust me on this one, it's the other way around. It doesn't matter though. I'll do what I always do. Try to make the people around me happy, whether I know them or not. In return, seeing people happy makes me happy. My life is pretty good and it can only get better from now on.

 

[klytus]

My psychotherapist says I could be intimidating to girls. That there are probably a lot of girls who are interested in me, but they think they're out of my league.

How did your therapist arrive at that conclusion? That can't come out of nowhere.

 

[Halleluja]

How did your therapist arrive at that conclusion? That can't come out of nowhere.

This guy thinks I'm a handsome and attractive guy in a no homo way. My guy friends have told me the same thing. I honestly can't see their point. When I look in the mirror... just, no way. Although I don't think I'm attractive physically, I have the personality to carry me. I rate my looks a 5, my personality a 9+.

 

[klytus]

Although I don't think I'm attractive physically, I have the personality to carry me. I rate my looks a 5, my personality a 9+

But then it doesn't make much sense to assume that women find you intimidating. Since you make the people around you happy, you must be quite fun to be with. At least, you presence is not unpleasant to the others, which includes the women. That, together with your seeming physically attractive, should make plenty of women interested in you.