Love of my life cheated on me..need advice.

Solo Dolo

Well-known member
As the title says...the girl whom I presumed to be the love of my life cheated on me 4 months ago. We had been each other's first and only. We lived together and had been having some hard times and would argue a lot and stuff but I never wanted to let her go and I never stopped loving her. She used to tell me that she could never imagine being with someone else and would hate the idea of me being with someone else. Long story short she made it clear she wasn't happy and was finally considering if being with me was best. I was slapped with the reality that she might actually leave me and then I changed. I was a new man and treated her great. A week later (after my "enlightenment") we went somewhere very special to her for her birthday and had a great time and had great sex that night and everything was perfect...so i thought. The following day we went home. That night (the day after her birthday) she went to a friend's house and ended up going over to this guy's place who lives next to her friend and had sex with him that night and she was completely sober. I had been texting her because it was late at night and she still wasn't home and typically she was never one to be out late. I was only texting to see if she was ok and when she would be home...she would text me back like nothing was going on even though she was hanging out with another guy whom she was about to have sex with. Anyways we will fast forward to the next morning and she was acting weird for a while until i finally pushed it out of her that she cheated on me. She was crying like crazy and I was in shock. Neither of us had ever been intimate with anyone else so this was a really big blow. Apparently she had hung out with this guy a few times before and NEVER told me about it. She says that she just thought he was a guy friend and didn't tell me because she didn't want me to worry. And also that that one night is the only time they had ever kissed and/or had sex. All that being said, I have been in unfathomable pain/anger/depression/everythingbad for the last 4 months. All the while she has been trying to win me back and blah blah blah. She seemingly took responsibility for cheating, she has been going to counseling, and has mostly seemed genuinely remorseful and has said that she would never again cheat on me or on anyone else (assuming I don't take her back) ever again because of how bad it has made her feel about herself, etc. Since the incident (cheating) happened, we have spent time together here and there. When I am able to suppress the thought of her cheating out of my head, I am still able to enjoy my time with her and love her....but sometimes that makes it that much harder when I remember what she did to me and I go back into a place of extreme depression/sadness/anger/etc. Perhaps the most painful part is that I NEVER thought she was that kind of girl which is one of the things that I loved most about her. It might also be noteworthy to say that this is the only time she has ever done this (allegedly at least).

If you have read this far, thank you. And I am just wanting some outside opinions on the following matters:

-Do you think someone like her can genuinely change (aka never cheat again)?
-Do you think trust can be rebuilt in this type of situation?
-Technically, if she didn't love me at all she could have just cheated and said **** you and left me...but she wants me back...doesn't that count for something?
-It's been 4 months since she cheated and and we've been broken up and she has still not gone looking for another guy besides me.

****Perhaps the most important question: Do you think I should give this relationship another chance?


If you actually read all of this and reply....thank you, you are awesome.
 

Odo

Banned
My personal rule is that if someone cheats on me (or I cheat on them, which I would never do), then it's over. I don't really give it much thought other than 'breaking the rule means you know what I'm going to do'.

So yes, if you are asking me what I would do, I would break up with her. I don't think you can ever trust each other again. I don't think it's worth putting the effort into it after she has deliberately disrespected you in one of the worst possible ways. And really, I think it's good lesson for her to learn that you can't just do this and expect everything to be fine. She doesn't need rescuing, she's not a victim, she doesn't need your pity, she wasn't out of control, she isn't 'unwell', she isn't a child, and she probably won't respect you if you go back to her. Telling you about it changes nothing-- in some ways keeping it secret would have been more respectful than admitting to it... it's like the abusive husband who is forgiven because he apologizes for hitting his wife and says he'll change. Maybe he will, but it's better for the wife to just get out of there.

If you go back, you will be teaching her that she can get away with doing this to you, and you'll always be worrying about whether or not she's loyal, or if she'll cheat on you when you hit a rough patch/have an argument. I cannot think of anything worse for a relationship.

She can find someone else when she learns how it feels to have ruined a relationship that could have been great. Or if she doesn't learn anything from this, she can find some poor sucker who is willing to put up with it.

Some people might think this is unreasonable, but yeah... once that happens the only real issue I have is how to best put the relationship behind me and move on to a better one, or not at all... because I would rather be alone than with someone who has no respect for me.
 
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ScaredToBreathe

Well-known member
First of all, I'm so sorry for what happened to you! That has got to be one of the worst situations ever...especially since you had complete trust in this girl.

Do you think someone like her can genuinely change (aka never cheat again)?
In some cases, yes. Sometimes it's an "in the moment" stupid decision and they completely regret it after and never want to make that mistake again. Other times it's "once a cheater, always a cheater" even if they want you back and deny that it will happen again.
I knew one couple that were together for 3 years, the guy cheated and the girl found out. She was so hurt she broke it off and never went back to him despite him still wanting her and swearing it wouldn't happen again. This guy seemed genuinely sorry and the next girl he dated I believe he's been faithful to.
Another couple I knew, the guy cheated several times with different people and the girl broke up with him. He was barely remorseful (although he pretended to be) and they had many arguments. I know he is a liar and would cheat again in a heartbeat if he had the chance and then act like nothing happened.

Do you think trust can be rebuilt in this type of situation?
No. The other person may convince you that you can trust her again, but even if she is sincere and you move on, you won't forget what happened and it will always be in the back of your mind, especially if she's late coming home one night or is hanging out with a guy friend. This can toy with your mind and make you feel very insecure in the relationship and cause further problems.

-Technically, if she didn't love me at all she could have just cheated and said **** you and left me...but she wants me back...doesn't that count for something?
-It's been 4 months since she cheated and we've been broken up and she has still not gone looking for another guy besides me.

Maybe she did, or does love you, but she consciously made the choice to sleep with someone else and her love did not stop her. She knows the potential consequences to cheating, and she made her choice to cheat, so she has to face the consequence of her mistakes.
I also believe cheating is similar to the abusive partner cycle: she will say she's so sorry and that she loves you and could never let you go, she will keep coming back to you and trying to treat you as nicely as possible, she may even seem/claim she's hostile, desperate, and suicidal without you, and then if you get back together she'll stop being so sweet and needy and may cheat again.

Do you think I should give this relationship another chance?
It's ultimately up to you. If my long-term boyfriend cheated on me I would dump him because I'd be too hurt to ever take him back or sleep with him again. He's the love of my life, the first and only person I've slept with, and I couldn't dream of ever cheating on him. So if he cheated, that's where I'd draw the line, no matter what he did or said to prove he wouldn't again. It's easy not to cheat if you really love someone; you have one big responsibility to be loyal and faithful in a monogamous relationship, and if you betray your partner you've broken that promise to them. Just my opinion.
 

Hellhound

Super Moderator
She did it once, she will most likely do it twice. Second chances will only get you trapped in a bad relationship, you should move on.
 
Get rid of her. Don't be shy about telling her how you feel about her either. I say take her feelings and stomp on them. After all, that's what she did to you. And then tell her the sex wasn't that good after all. Make her feel like the cheatin, lying, deceitful, thing she is and tell her its all her fault its over. And tell her to take her stupid counseling and shove it!
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
The problem when someone cheats on another is not 'do you think they will do it again'.
Its 'can you ever fully trust them again?'.

A solid relationship is built on trust. It's like the foundations of a home.

She may or may not ever cheat again, but the problem is that you'll forever have that little nagging voice in the back of your mind asking 'what's she doing? Is she by herself? Can I trust her to go out with her friends? Can I ever trust her again?'

Personally I dont think I could ever trust someone who did that to me ever again.
But the question here is..can you?
 

Solo Dolo

Well-known member
Thank you for those who have read and responded thus far.

I would be lying if I said its what I want to hear. basically 100% of you are against me getting back together with her. I probably would agree if I was on the outside of this situation....but 4 months later and I still can't bear the thought of living my life without her. This is easily the hardest thing I will ever go through in my life.

I have heard that things like this have the potential to make a relationship even stronger and make a couple become closer if they can grow past an issue like this in a positive way.


I would still love to hear other opinion regardless of the side you stand on. It's all good and much appreciated.
 
Go find another girlfriend. There's plenty of women out there. Why get all tore up over one that don't care enough about you to stay faithful? Because you're used to her. You can get used to another one. She totally betrayed you and showed her true colors and how much she valued your relationship. I wouldn't waste another minute with her.
 

SeasonalBlues

Well-known member
Sorry you've had to deal with this situation. I think...it's completely up to you. You know this girl better than anyone. I want to avoid saying some cliché shit like go with your heart. But really just go with how you feel man. Good luck.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I found myself in a similar situation once. I had been dating a girl for a while, and one night we had a "misunderstanding." Nothing unusual about that, but this time she got the idea in her head that we had broken up, so she went out and, encouraged by her roommate, let herself get picked up by one of the local lowlifes. When she told me she had slept with him—twice!—I was devastated. I actually knew the guy well, though she had not been aware of this, and I knew exactly what kind of scumbag predator he was. Had it been anyone else, it would have been bad, but the fact that it was this particular guy made it especially sickening.

After a while, we did get back together. I can't remember if she sweet-talked me into it, or if I decided to forgive her on my own, but I did. She promised it would never happen again, and I accepted that and allowed myself to trust her, but there was always that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. We stayed together for several more months, having the usual ups and downs, until she eventually moved out of town, again influenced by her treacherous friend. She insisted that we would still be together even though she'd be hundreds of miles away, and she even conned me into loaning her a goodly sum of cash to help with the move. I was a sap. The relationship didn't survive the distance—LDRs rarely do—and to this day she has never made any effort to pay me back.

On the flip side of the coin, the time I spent with her after we got back together presented me with a number of opportunities that I would not have come across had she not been in my life: two jobs, a couple of fun vacations, a few friends I would not have met otherwise, a bunch of parties, and so forth (not to mention some really good sex). Also, we had love, romance, mutual support, understanding, and all the other good stuff that makes being that close to another human being so wonderful, magical, and extremely worthwhile. Did I mention the sex? That, too.

I guess my point is that you can't tell what will happen in the future. You know what you've had, so you know what you're missing right now, but what about all the things you may miss in the months or years to come? You're standing at a fork in the proverbial road, but which fork leads where? Life doesn't often come with signposts. If you take her back, she may prove faithful despite her previous lapse. People can mend their ways if they are truly remorseful, and trust, given time, can be rebuilt. At any rate, you'll have a fair idea of what you're getting into. If you go your own way, you may find someone else—who could be better than this girl, but who could also be a lot worse—or you may not. It's more of a crap shoot.

My advice—just to be different—is to give her another chance. Open your heart, and forgive her as best you can, but keep your eyes open as well. It may work, or it may not. If it does, you'll have built something beautiful on top of the foundation you've already established. If not, those other fish will still be swimming around a year or two from now.



ETA: You may already have done this, but it might be helpful to look into some kind of counseling to help you sort out your feelings about this situation. Also, whatever you decide, please don't stoop to turning this infidelity into a weapon to use against her or trying to exact some kind of vengeance. It might feel good at the time, but you'll surely regret it in the end.
 
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Becca22

Member
jc972, its not that easy. Do you have HH yourself? Solo Dolo, you've never been with anyone else right? Neither have I. My husband of 12 years cheated on me 2 years into our relationship. He was very drunk, and so was she. She got pregnant, and told him it was his. He didn't believe it, because he didn't remember having sex with her, so he got a DNA test, and it proved the kid was his. I'll never forget the day he showed me the results. My whole world was shattered. He was the love of my life. But for some reason (being young and dumb in love, maybe), I took him back and forgave him. I helped him raise his son, who we now have custody of. I love him like my own. (We have a 4 year old together too). I struggled with forgiving him, but time made it easier. He learned his lesson and became a better person, until recently. Starting a few months ago, he started staying out late, sometimes not coming home at all, leaving me completely alone to handle the housework, raising the kids, mowing the lawn, paying the bills, etc. He admitted being depressed (about what, exactly, he still cant express) but at first led me to believe I was the cause. He said very cruel things that broke my heart, but I still loved him, so I thought, if I give him plenty of time and space, he'll snap out of it. Now he's certain he wants a divorce. I was devastated for a while. I could barely function. For a time, it looked like he wanted to make it work, then couldn't handle it, and stopped coming around again. At one point, it just hit me: I cant keep crying myself to sleep, losing sleep, waiting up for him. I have to accept that he doesn't love me anymore, and prepare myself for a life without him. I have to harden my heart against him, so that I don't let myself forgive him and take him back again. If I do, I know he'll just break my heart again. Even though when he proposed to me, he said he was so grateful for my forgiveness that he would spend the rest of our lives together making it up to me, I feel hes done a pretty shitty job of that. Hes taken advantage of me for 12 years, NOT ONCE helping with the laundry, housecleaning, or grocery shopping, and very seldom with everything else that goes on in a home. He said that's woman's work, because growing up all that stuff was done for him by women, so he believes that's how it should be. And I, the idiot in love with him, accepted him despite his sexism. Looking back, I can't believe someone as educated and sophisticated as I am could have let that happen. When youre in love, though, its easy to fall for someones charms, even after they break your heart. And with HH, when someone tells you they don't care about the sweating, they love you no matter what, it can feel like a sign from god, that that person is meant for you. Jc972, I feel your pain.
 
jc972, its not that easy. Do you have HH yourself? Jc972, I feel your pain.

Me having HH or not ain't got nothin to do with the OP's problem here. He made no mention of HH at all :idontknow: I said get rid of her. It most certainly is that simple. Hopefully he thinks enough of himself to know that he deserves better than some girl who can't stay faithful to him. You feel my pain? What are you referring to exactly?
 

darrens

Active member
I know myself this is difficult situation i couldn't deal myself with this either,for people low on confidence in any way this is a nightmare situation.

I get the feeling you want to and will end up taking her back,it's not easy to let go anytime,my advice is if its impossible for you or too hard to end it,then take her back,if it is too hard to break up now then break up with her slowly when you feel stronger,i know that sounds kinda cold but like if you take that mentality maybe something will grow in your relationship maybe it won't,but if you take that kind of mentality you will be in control of yourself and your relationship and she won't be able to hurt you as much,now i'm not saying thats an ideal way to go about it but since you might take her back you should try to take her back in a position of strength at least in your mind,so my advice is break up slowly take her back but don't be as reliant on her as before.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
you may have misinterpreted my post. I wasn't saying you shouldn't get back with her, I was saying can you find it within yourself to truly trust her again. Without trust a relationship will generally fail, or not be a happy one.
 

Becca22

Member
I meant that I felt Solo Dolo's pain. Sorry. I forgot who was who I guess. Jc972, your sarcasm (about my "humility") had me taken aback for a second. It does come across as arrogant. The reason I said it though was because I have always had extremely low self-confidence, mostly due to the HH, and now due to the fact that I lost the love of my life: my biggest source of confidence. Everyone, even his family, is on my side, and has been telling me that I'm better off without him. They say "you're a beautiful, smart, sophisticated, hard-working woman, and if he can't see that, then it's his loss." I'm not the type of person who thinks of myself like that, but now that I'm outside of the relationship, I am able to look in and see that that was the case all along. I really was too good for him. Anyone who has social anxiety issues needs that kind of praise and assurance once in a while, otherwise you can become like me. For 12 years, I was scared to speak up for myself because I didn't want to sound like a bitch, so I just kept taking on more and more until the whole world was on my shoulders, and I couldn't even see it. I thought I had to compensate for having HH by being really good at everything, and super extra nice to everybody-never cause drama, be very forgiving, never say no, basically. I thought, surely one day I'll get the recognition and appreciation I deserve. Instead, I get blindsided with "It's just not working out."
Solo Dolo, I guess my point is that people can change, but they never change for others, only for themselves. You can forgive her, but you'll never forget the pain. Are you willing to live with that pain? Is it worth it? And if you take her back, you have to be strong enough to leave her behind for good the second she messes up again.
 

LoVe13

Member
So truly sorry this has happened to you.
When I was 18, I was out with friends and i had THAT feeling someone was looking at me. In a place filled with over 200 people, I looked up and instantly saw him. It sounds like a James Paterson novel but it was what happened. He walked straight up to me and told me that I was going to marry him.(Oddly, for the rest of his life,we could be anywhere-a club, Disney World, NYC and we could always find each other just by looking straight up. It freaked all of our friends out. :) Anyway, I know the line about marrying him should have been a big warning of him being a **** or a player but even though I'm a smart girl, I felt like....I don't even think there is a word for how I felt. In a split second, everything changed. I spent from that day until he killed when we were 37 on a roller coaster. We were the best of friends but he could not keep it in his pants. Plain and simple. His friends and family told me he sincerely loved me and didn't understand it. Everytime I left & broke it off with my "boyfriend", I lost my best friend. I can think off the top of my head at least 6 girls I either caught him with or tracked down and met. Humiliating, embarrassing, and rediculus. And everytime he swore it would never happen again.
I accepted and knew that of course he would cheat again but it was my prerogative and I chose to stay.
One weekend he said he had a surprise for me. He said he finally realized how the universe blessed him with a girl like me and was the luckiest man in the world that I stuck it out, he was done with the games and he wanted to buy a house with me and he had a realtor lined up. We spent the weekend looking and found the perfect place. Before we discussed it with bank etc., we made plans for dinner after work to celebrate 2 days after we found the house.
I came home from work early for our date and everything was gone. He was gone, everything I owned was gone, and nobody had answers for me. I dont think i was able to breathe for months. I couldnt even talk to anyone about what had happened because either my friends already hated him or i was too ashamed i made the mistake of always giving him ANOTHER chance.
2 years after giving up on asking his friends/family and trying to locate him to find out what happened, he had called me while i was at work. The first thing he said when i answered phone was he never stopped loving me, but he got married, had a baby, and couldn't live his life knowing what he did to me-his best friend-and the person he loved the most.
I only saw him once after that but we talked everyday until the accident that killed him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, 1-don't listen to your friends and people who will talk garbage about a girl who you are well aware did a bad thing but you obviously love. 2-if you keep her in your life, accept your choice but also be prepared to be let down. You can't keep dwelling on it everytime you see her because YOU made choice to stay. 3- whatever you do decide, you can still change your mind later. This is life, not heaven,it won't ever be perfect. They'll be mistakes all over like landmines. Take time for you (a day,a week, a month, whatever) and make your decision. If she loves you, waiting for you wont be an issue. Decide what you want & need on your terms.
Thanks if you took the time to read all of this. I hope it gave you some help and again I am deeply sorry. If you are curious, I don't regret spending all my young pretty years with a stupid head who couldnt be faithful when I could have date and met so many people.
 

drganon

Well-known member
I would just dump her and move on. Once that kind of trust is broken, there isn't a whole lot of hope in repairing it in my opinion.
 
I have to agree with the others in here that suggest that you say goodbye to her and find another.
If she has done it once, she can do it again.

Once that initial bond of trust is broken, it can rarely be mended to withstand doubt ever again.
There are plenty of people in this world who value trust and won't break it with you because they don't want you to break it with them.
Find another you won't have to always being second guessing with.
 
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