Love As A Choice

[Silatuyok]

I read an article tonight which states that love is, simply, a choice that you make, rather than an emotion which comes and goes at whim. Your feelings for a spouse or partner may fade over time, but you can choose to continue loving them more, through respecting them, caring for them, and helping them to grow and flourish as a person. Love is seeing the good in another, rather than seeing what is good for you in another.
What do you think? Can you choose to love someone in a romantic relationship? Even if you have lost your spark, can you continue to love someone deeply, and maintain a successful relationship?
I really like the idea of love as a rational choice, even though my own emotional instability would make that a very hard choice to consistently maintain. I'm curious to know what others think.
Here's the article, for reference:
What Is Love? What's love?

 

[Silatuyok]

“Love isn't something natural. Rather it requires discipline, concentration, patience, faith, and the overcoming of narcissism. It isn't a feeling, it is a practice.”
~Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

 

[KiaKaha]

I think it's a little of both. I remember reading somewhere that there are different stages of love. In the beginning, I dont think love is something can be activated consciously - there has to be that mysterious indescribable attraction that makes one become enamoured in the first place. Phsyical attracation, being relatable to each, being at the same stage of life - all contribute to this.

After this stage though, yes - I do think love is a choice. There comes a point where you know each other so well that the initial bond is strong and solid enough. You no longer lust and crave their presence, but you care about them even if that initial spark has gone. You have experienced life with them and now they are part of your identity. At this point - you choose to stay... because you want to.... because you love them.

 

[Silatuyok]

That's a good point. There is a reason for that initial spark, and I think that is where the mystery of love comes in. Because even if we choose to love, what makes us choose to love one person and not the other? There's is something about that initial attraction that has to set the ball rolling...

 

[KiaKaha]

^^^ I have thought about this too. Why is it that we choose a person to stay with. I sometimes wonder if people "settle" for the person that they are with. I dont believe in the concept of soul mates or anything - I think it's possible to love lots of different kinds of people, I also think it's possible to love different people at the same depth. The only variable that comes into play - is the decision to get to that level.

Any person that is in a relationship has chosen to stay. Any one of us has a choice to be with who we are with. If I go on a date - I could choose to pursue it further (provided that feeling was mutual) and develop a relationship....or I could date someone else and develop a relationship with that person instead.

It's interesting to think about. I wonder....what is it that unknown variable that makes us think "this will do..."

 

[KiaKaha]

*Bump*

I think this is interesting

 

[1BlackSheep]

Apparently, it has a lot to do with how you smell!

Scents and Sensibility | Psychology Today

"Sexual attraction remains one of life's biggest mysteries. We might say we go for partners who are tall and thin, love to cook, or have a mania for exercise, but when push comes to shove, studies show, the people we actually end up with possess few of the traits we claim to want. Some researchers think scent could be the hidden cosmological constant in the sexual universe, the missing factor that explains who we end up with. It may even explain why we feel "chemistry"—or "sparks" or "electricity"—with one person and not with another."

 

[hidwell]

Apparently, it has a lot to do with how you smell!

Scents and Sensibility | Psychology Today

"Sexual attraction remains one of life's biggest mysteries. We might say we go for partners who are tall and thin, love to cook, or have a mania for exercise, but when push comes to shove, studies show, the people we actually end up with possess few of the traits we claim to want. Some researchers think scent could be the hidden cosmological constant in the sexual universe, the missing factor that explains who we end up with. It may even explain why we feel "chemistry"—or "sparks" or "electricity"—with one person and not with another."

Mmmm you smell so good.::

 

[KiaKaha]

Get a room you two.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Mmmm you smell so good.::

If only it were that easy!

 

[MikeyC]

I think it's a little of both. I remember reading somewhere that there are different stages of love. In the beginning, I dont think love is something can be activated consciously - there has to be that mysterious indescribable attraction that makes one become enamoured in the first place. Phsyical attracation, being relatable to each, being at the same stage of life - all contribute to this.

After this stage though, yes - I do think love is a choice. There comes a point where you know each other so well that the initial bond is strong and solid enough. You no longer lust and crave their presence, but you care about them even if that initial spark has gone. You have experienced life with them and now they are part of your identity. At this point - you choose to stay... because you want to.... because you love them.

Could not have said it better. I do hope that this sort of thing can happen to me and I won't go looking elsewhere for the initial rush. I would like to love someone forever and have the same back to me.

 

[Thelema]

I don't want to make myself love someone. If I don't love you, you probably don't deserve it for some reason.

If your relationship is lacking natural attraction-you should find a new one.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, I knew it was chemicals; so it makes sense if a big part of that is mental.
The human brain can be tricked into or fooled out of pretty much anything.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

I agree. Love is not a feeling. "True love" is selfless which makes it a very rare thing indeed. It requires you to forgive that persons flaws and to focus on the things you *love* about them because we all know that everyone is far from perfection and eventually you will find something that you dislike or even hate about someone.

 

[Silatuyok]

I agree. Love is not a feeling. "True love" is selfless which makes it a very rare thing indeed. It requires you to forgive that persons flaws and to focus on the things you *love* about them because we all know that everyone is far from perfection and eventually you will find something that you dislike or even hate about someone.

Yes, that's it exactly. And the more I think about this idea, that more it appeals to me.
In fact, it can apply to a variety of scenarios. Just today at work I was grumbling about various frustrations, until I got to thinking about it, and I decided that I could also choose to love my job. The trick is to focus on the many good things that I can love and appreciate about it, and learn to tolerate or fix the things I don't love.
Of course, this doesn't apply to relationships or situations which are abusive, or harmful, or just downright unpleasant. There has to be something "lovable" there on which to base your decision.

 

[coyote]

we draw a circle around ourselves and say, "this is who i am"

but when we choose to love someone we draw a new circle,

this time including that other person... as part of ourselves.

when things go wrong (as they will, inevitably),

we can either choose to keep them inside the circle,

or re-draw the circle again, with them on the outside

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

we draw a circle around ourselves and say, "this is who i am"

but when we choose to love someone we draw a new circle,

this time including that other person... as part of ourselves.

when things go wrong (as they will, inevitably),

we can either choose to keep them inside the circle,

or re-draw the circle again, with them on the outside

I stand inside a square. I like to be different. ::

 

[Canis lupus]

In some small degree maybe but I don't believe it's just a choice. If that were true you would also be able to choose not to love someone and I know out of experience that's not true. Love hits you by suprise and there's not much you can do about it.

 

[da_illest101]

I always thought that love was a choice, you might not choose what you are attrated to but you choose who you love. That's why relationships based only on lust and/or physical attraction never last.