Lost

[Justlikeme]

So I’ve been looking around this site since I found it last night and decided I needed to sign up. I don’t even know where to start. I’m incredibly depressed and alone. I have nobody I can really turn to anymore because most of my friends have abandoned me. My depression is causing me to retreat from those people who have stayed by me. I’m at the lowest point that I have been ever and the first time my depression has affected me for more than a day since 2009. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose my best friend because of this and she is the only thing I have going right in my life.

I don’t know what I expect, but it used to be that when I would tell people that I am depressed my thoughts on ending my life would dissipate. Now, no matter what I do they remain. I fear that I am going to lose this fight and do something that will hurt those few people that still care about me. I know this post is vague and that I haven’t really said anything. I know I’m just rambling, I’ve never posted anything like this before, certainly not to people that I don’t even remotely know.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Welcome to the forum. This site is very therapeutic. I've learned a lot about myself through reading other people's struggles and sharing my own. Stick around.

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

 

[MikeyC]

You sound like you need some help. Depression is something I go through often and it's never fun. It's the biggest hurdle in my life right now - bigger than social anxiety.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[gummybear22]

interaction on this site has helped me a good deal, especially since i don't have any real life friends besides "class friends", and i have just a few of those. and they fizzle out in the next semester usually. i haven't been as lonely since coming on here and i've helped some people, which makes me feel even better. the more active someone is on here, the better they feel, i think.
have you told your best friend about your stuff?

 

[OCDd]

welcome to the club hahaha, and also welcome to the forum. i too have depression and a buncha other mental illness. we are here for you man so if you ever need to talk, i am here and ready to listen and so are a lot of other people. feel free to say whatever the heck you want to get all your thoughts/ and emotions out, trust me you will feel better when you tell someone even if your thoughts are ridiculously odd. trust me ive said the weirdest stuff on this site lol and its helped me that i have said it. hope you get better, you will be in my prayers, look forward to seeing you around the site. God Bless

 

[Justlikeme]

Thanks for the welcome everyone. As it is I talked to her about it, or tried to at least, and it just ended in a fight. I tried telling her about how the few people I can call friends have been backing away from me since before I started getting down last week. They've been doing it for months. She doesn't understand how I'm feeling at all.
I start to feel better, then all of a sudden I'm completely broken down. I've dealt with depression my entire life, but usually it lasts a couple days at most. I do hope that talking here and reading what others are going through will help.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Few people understand Depression. They're response is typically: "Get over it!". There's a lot of threads on the topic-check them out. And, if you haven't already, you should talk to a doctor.

 

[Justlikeme]

That's the exactly what her response was. I'm trying to find a way to see a doctor. Any ideas on how I can without any kind of insurance and are relatively inexpensive?

 

[wp123]

I've been kind of wondering the same thing, I've tried thinking of every possible way to overcome this problem and always just end up giving in. I think if we all got ahold of a good therapist we would be a lot better off.

I'm not sure if you've ever seen an old tv show called my extreme animal phobia but it dealt with these people with extreme irrational phobias. These people were afraid of butterflies, spiders, cockroaches, snakes, bats, etc. to the point where they could not leave their home for fear of coming in contact with these things

The way they overcame their fear was through exposure therapy, at first they would start out small by simply looking at the things that they were afraid of and then gradually proceed to come in closer contact with these animals. It was pretty amazing to see the progress that they made and it made me think that the same could be done for social phobia.

I've tried using exposure therapy before (by myself) but maybe with the guidance of a therapist we could actually cure social phobia just like the people in the tv show cured their animal phobia.

Anyways this therapist (Robin Rasio) is located in Sacramento California, it might be too expensive or far away for you to go to but you could probably get some good info from her as to where you could find a decent therapist. Since she lives in california she could probably give you some leads. She has a website where you can contact her through email or phone, I forgot the exact name but you could probably find it if you do a search of her on google.

 

[Brit]

Welcome to the forum.

I was taken aback by this, as it sounds so much like my life.

Luckily, I have the best friends ever.

But I usally seclude myself.

 

[Justlikeme]

Well some of my friends that I had reached out to on Friday, finally got back to me. I spent all of yesterday with my best friend and we talked a bit. I will admit that I'm feeling somewhat better today, and yesterday was a really good day, but I'm still down. Still trying to figure out what all is the reason behind but I think knowing that there are others out there that go through this helps.

 

[Opaline]

Still trying to figure out what all is the reason behind but I think knowing that there are others out there that go through this helps.

I honestly believe that in modern Western society there needn't be one specific reason for depression. There may very well be something you have to dig deep to find, but I wouldn't be surprised if you - and many others - are depressed simply because we are lacking in some of the things that enrich us as human beings. I don't think it's a stretch.

 

[Justlikeme]

I honestly believe that in modern Western society there needn't be one specific reason for depression. There may very well be something you have to dig deep to find, but I wouldn't be surprised if you - and many others - are depressed simply because we are lacking in some of the things that enrich us as human beings. I don't think it's a stretch.

I think you may be correct. I know some of what it is, as I mentioned in another thread, but some I just don't know. What I do know is that after I spent Sunday with my best friend talking over somethings, I feel better. I rather hate to admit this, but she has a calming effect on me. It really helps to know that someone finds value in you and can see your potential.
After almost 2 weeks like this, things seem to be coming back to a better state. I know I need to keep my negative thoughts in check, but it's hard at times. I'm still looking for some ways to talk to someone, it can only help, but hit a few roadblocks with that today.

 

[Flanscho]

Well, what I'd do is try to find a hobby that can be done with others. Playing card or board games, sports, playing instruments, singing, cooking, doesn't matter. Once you found something you like, it's time to find other people in your city who enjoy the same. Then to meet them, and you are on the fastest track to new friens.

 

[Justlikeme]

Well I was doing better for a few days but now I feel myself slipping back into my depression. I'm still trying to find a way to talk to someone, but like I think I said before, its hard to find someone when you don't have insurance or the money. I know I felt better before just by coming here and posting, so I'm hoping that this will continue to help. I need to get out and find something to do since I'm going to be alone until after the first of the year.

 

[Hellhound]

Welcome to the forums. I hope you find the answers you look for and this place helps you at least a bit.

 

[Justlikeme]

Well my best friends roommate invited me to a small party last night and I went, but I was only there for a couple hours. Normally I'd have stayed but I just couldn't take it. In ended up disappearing a couple times and ultimately just left right after my best friend got there. I had been on the verge of breaking down the whole time I was there. Then when I left I sat in my car broken down for a few minutes. The whole drive home I keep thinking how easy it would be to just disappear. Started drinking a lot shortly after getting home. I know that isn't the answer. Now I'm wide awake and glad that year is over and want this to be better, me to be better. So tired of this and of hurting the people I care about.
There are so few people I even care about but all I do is hurt them. I can't shake this feeling that everyone would be better off without me around to drag them down.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Well my best friends roommate invited me to a small party last night and I went, but u was only there for a couple hours. Normally I'd have stated but I just couldn't take it. In ended up disappearing a couple times and ultimately just left right after my best friend got there. I had been on the verge of breaking down the whole time I was there, then we. I left I sat in my car broken down for a few minutes. The whole drive home I keep thinking how easy it would be to just disappear. Started drinking a lot shortly after getting home. I know that isn't the answer. Now I'm wide awake and glad that year is over and want this to be better, me to be better. So tired of this and of hurting the people I care about.

I won't drink when I am depressed and alone.....it could lead to alcoholism. Only sometimes when I'm out with friends.

 

[Justlikeme]

I won't drink when I am depressed and alone.....it could lead to alcoholism. Only sometimes when I'm out with friends.

I admit that drinking isn't the best solution. Its not a solution at all. I just got home last night after I left early and wasn't thinking straight. I was so anxious and emotional after I had to leave that I just drank. If i wouldn't have left Id have broken down there, in front of all these people I don't know and I just couldn't do that. So I left, I sat in my car and just let go. I made a lot of people worry because I vanished a couple times before I left. Then when I come back, I lied about it to cover up that I was nearing a breaking point. When I finally say my best friend last night, I couldn't take it anymore and told her I was leaving. She didn't understand why, and now isn't talking to me, so yay I've screwed the only good thing I have going for me up so bad that I think its completely destroyed.
The whole way home, over an hour away, I'm broken down and thinking about how it would just be so easy to just keep going or just get lost and never come back. I'm sick and tired of hurting every single person that cares about me. I'm just a completely ****ed up loser that apparently enjoys causing pain to the important people in my life. Why can't I just stop doing this to the people I love? If I'm so hell bent on hurting people, why don't I just do it to myself?