Lonely

[Drezden]

It's been 40 minutes since I finished typing this post, and I am too embarrassed to submit it..

I used to have a lot of friends, went to parties, active with school and sports, and I was really confident.. but in the last 4 years since I graduated high school I've stumbled a lot, and my confidence kept getting chipped away a little bit at a time, now it's completely eroded. I can hardly bare to be around people, but I am so lonely at the same time. I have no social skills anymore. Talking to people makes me feel like I can't breathe and I sweat and my heart beats so fast. When I meet someone new I assume they are judging me before I've even spoken to them, and I build up these ridiculous resentments in a matter of seconds, and all of a sudden I've got a wall around me 1,000 feet high, and I become extremely passive aggressive. That is the better of the two scenarios, or the more social one anyway.. the other response I have is just not talking, or walking away suddenly.. to drive home, and be alone. That sounds so weird.. god I'm such a nutcase.

So my confidence takes another hit from a bad social encounter.. and I draw back even more into my head. I can see all of this in retrospect, but in the moment of a social interaction I cannot think, it's pure panic, and my response isn't open or friendly, in fact it's the opposite.

I can't go outside unless I'm driving my truck. I sit in my apartment in a town I just moved to where I don't know anyone, and I am severely depressed. I'm failing my classes, school is the only thing that gets me outside of my apartment for a few hours a day, but it also reminds me of how bad I am doing in my classes, which causes more anxiety and self-hate.

I cried last night, cried like a baby. ..are you kidding me.. that's how I know I've gone off the deep end.

My best friends from my hometown call me and try to keep in touch, but they don't understand what I'm going through, hell I don't understand it myself.. and they'd just tell me to buck up, or that I've gone all weird on them.

I can't keep going like this, but I don't know how to fix it and I am so overwhelmed.. mostly real sad though..

 

[awkwardamanda]

Yeah, life is tough.:: Welcome to SPW. Fortunately you've found a group of people who can relate. I hope that's some relief. We're all here for each other.

 

[kihira]

Hi Drezden - welcome to SPW . You'll find heaps of understanding here. You're not a nutcase, from what you say I would guess you have developed some social anxiety and may be getting depressed from it.

 

[Drezden]

Thank you for the welcome, I've been reading a lot of posts, I think my isolation had really skewed my perspective, it is a relief to see that there are other people dealing with the same things, almost exactly in some cases. I think I'm home. Though speaking openly about this stuff, even through the anonymity of the internet, is something I'm not used to, but I think I'm safe here.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Hey man, you're not a nutcase at all. And crying can be a good thing, if we don't let out those emotions they turn us into a zombie, who can't feel happiness or release sadness. I'd say that's all the worse than crying.

It's sad how so many people don't understand social anxiety. Some don't understand depression, either. Or sadness in general. And as much as a shame as that is, there are some people out there who understand you. Me, for one. But many other people who hide behind masks or walls.

School might be painful, but trust me, the pain is a good thing. That may sound shocking, but every time you are anxious in class, or hating yourself, you are facing a fear. If you were to avoid those fears, you would get a hell of a lot worse. So, in this case, your anxiety is beneficial to your mental health. It is better than hiding and sensitizing yourself... At least from my point of view (Dropped out of highschool, housebound, home all the time now, and it's hell.)

It may sound lame, or cliche to add on an advice forum, but have you thought about, or are you, seeing somebody for this? Therapist, or something? They can be highly beneficial, it's all a matter of finding one you can grow to feel comfortable around and trust to understand what you're going through, better than you are able.

It sounds like you feel shameful to be posting this. And that must mean that this is not something you have told many people about.. your sadness and your anxiety. Telling other people was the best thing I ever did. People don't look at you strangely, they don't turn you away, most of them want to help you. I for one am afraid of all attention, including the attention that comes with people wanting to help. But, if they understand your situation, and if you try and take their help, you feel less alone, more supported, and more able to overcome this. Telling people about the problem can beat down on your anxiety, it's one of the most difficult things for me to do, but our secrets keep us sick. If we hold it away from the ones we love, we feel more isolated from them, and thus begins the pushing away or reclusiveness.

Welcome to the forum. I'm a stranger to you, but PMs are always welcome when you're feeling down, if you need to rant. I don't judge, promise

 

[Confuseddd]

dude, you are human.

Humans are enately imperfect bud , so congratulations on learning this lesson
The first of many you will probably learn. It is a long journey to build yourself back up and also a very personal one. Yes we can relate to your suffering because we have all been there , but the causes for you could be different then what caused it for me. (granted we could have similar storys) but my point buddy is you have to figure out....

What happened? What caused you to become so depressed.
And some advice i can give man is too accept it. If you dont accept yourself and where your at NOW... you will never be able to move on. from reading your post it seems like your struggling with some self worth issues. Well from personal experience man , your being too hard on yourself. So your not doing as well as you would like to in your class , its alright man your stressed out and your mind is not exactly on school work right now. Dont beat yourself up so much You are worth a damn , and something else that might help is maybe make a list of goals you want to accomplish. Usually you can reach those goals easier when they are written down for you. Also it will feel amazing being able to cross items off the list.

I was dealing with self worth issues too (still do at times) but it is not the end. You will realize that thinking you are worthless is just plain stupid. You got alot to offer im sure of it man. Keep your chin up and maybe try to reconnect with some of your old friends for a night out. That wall you build? Is it because you dont trust others to accept you , for you? Thats an irrational fear man. I mean sure it might happen, in fact after you talk to enough people it most likely will happen once or twice, But thats not your problem man. All you are is all you are And you dont need to change for any one. Keep your morals and believes strong and who knows you will end up making some new friends.
All the luck to you man and welcome to the forum!

 

[PunkRotten]

Sounds like you have lost touch with your identity. Take some time to figure this out. This is a very important thing in your life. This kind of thing is very common for alot of people. IMO if you have no direction you have nothing. Think about flying a plane, but with no pilot. Or steering a boat with no captain. You life is very similar to this if you have no identity.

In life, where you want to go or what you want to be can be hard and scary. But think about who you are deep down inside and think about the person you wanna be, and want to project to others. Think about your values, and align with them. Then go be that person.

 

[Drezden]

EscapeArtist, I was not raised in a family that spoke about their feelings. There was, and is a lot of love in my family, but we just don't talk openly about our problems, especially something like feeling depressed or having social anxiety. I can't help but feel that showing or talking about negative feelings with other people is a weakness or selfish of me. I know that is flawed logic, but it's how I feel, honestly... which is progress.. hah. It's amazing how writing stuff out where I can see it makes things so much clearer in my head.. I'd keep a journal and spare you guys the pleasure, but having a physical copy of my thoughts isn't something I want laying around.

Reading your guys' replies has got me in a pretty decent mood..it snuck up on me quick too..

Confuseddd, my depression and anxiety started when my family moved to Boston from my hometown in the midwest during my last year of high school. I wasn't prepared for how hostile people were. I was a "dumb hick, who talked slow", and people made fun of me constantly. I wasn't used to people not liking me, and people stole stuff out of my locker, all my textbooks at least twice. I was trapped in that hell-hole on the 12th floor of an apartment, no where to go hiking, fishing, or camping. No trees.. I swear even the air and the sunlight was different, and not in a good way either. I have no reason to ever go to that city again. After high school I went to college right away, but I couldn't make any friends, and I went a little overboard with drinking and quit going to class... Since then things have just gotten harder for me to deal with, and now I feel like a failure, and I'm afraid that's all people are going to see when I talk to them. Someone who can't even get a 2 year degree in 4 years..

Thinking about this just ruined my good mood.

I don't understand how or why my slowly getting depressed led to this social anxiety with such a strong physical feelings, and starting only recently.

A plane without a pilot.. that is a perfect analogy I don't know what I want to study other than the general classes I'm taking, where I want to live or do.. I just focus on the bad stuff while not doing anything decisively. Thank you punkrotten, you've given me a lot to think on.

 

[PurpleOne]

I am very lonely, everyday.

 

[mismeek]

Youre school should have a counseling service. Its really cheap and I'm telling you it really helps! I think you should give them a ring and make an appt. You say you weren't raised to talk about your feelings, so it might be a bit uncomfortable... but once you get out you'll feel so much better. They are trained not to pass judgement so you dont have to worry about what they think about you.

Maybe you should take a break from school, but i dont recommend it if you think you won't go back. When you have anxiety its really hard to quit something and start it back up again.

we are all here to support ya! so don't think youre alone!

 

[punklove]

Aww I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time :'(
Just know that it WILL get better eventually and try your best to hold your head up high even when there doesn't seem to be a point in anything.
You said you moved to a new town, instead of focusing on how that could be negative think of it this way.. you have the chance at a brand new start you can be whoever you want to be you can start over.
I know it's hard to make friends and go outside but I also know that it's possible to get to a point where you become more confident and sure of yourself (Not that I've got to that point myself) I hope you get to that point soon.
Were all here for you

 

[tiscircle]

A little hope that eventually everything will return to normal should be the trick.