Phoenixx
Well-known member
I’ve been meaning to make this thread for a while, but threads intimidate me, which is why I never make them. I also have no idea where to put this, so mods, if you think of a better place to move this to, then go ahead. This is going to be a little long, and I apologize, so please bear with me.
My mom is severely passive-aggressive, and much more aggressive than passive. (Both of my parents I currently live with actually are passive-aggressive individuals, but my dad is more passive than anything which doesn’t bother me quite so bad.) Since my pre-teens/early teens (and very few times when I was a child) she has gone through violent bouts of anger, where she will yell and complain – anywhere between a half hour to even hours on end before – and slam things. She’s broke things before and in the process never fails to blame and insult and swear at everyone around her (whether that be me, my dad [very rarely will she get her angriest when he’s around and she’s only ever insulted me when he wasn’t around and at work], or even my brother when he was still here; note, she’s never in the wrong) for whatever went wrong that made her angry in the first place. Sometimes the simplest things can set her off, but usually it’s a buildup of simple annoyances over time, and it’s just waiting for that breaking point to happen. For example, the other day she had a day-long episode because the vacuum cleaner wouldn’t work, among other small things like spilling some maple syrup on the floor when she was picking up the kitchen. Simple things that would normally make a person grumpy or annoyed, sends her into an outrage. While I don’t often show it, these episodes tend to scare me a lot. My hands shake and my body tenses simultaneously, I usually feel like crying, and sometimes will get nauseous. I always brace myself for an incoming insult and a possible object thrown at my door (since I almost always shut myself in my room during these things). If I happen to be in her presence though, I cover up my fear with anger. We’ve had a quite a few verbal disputes before, and even I have said some things I’m not happy about, but I almost always try to avoid her and keep to myself and wait until she calms down.
Anger isn’t her only issue though. I recently found a list of signs of passive-aggressive parents, which my mother fits all to a “T,” especially numbers 2, 3, and 10.
Growing up my mother has been very quick to judge and label me, and to try to control me to see things her way. For much of my teens she made remarks about my looks (I didn’t wear makeup for a good portion of my teens) and how I should dress a certain way (I’ve always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl, and I hated dresses and skirts). She still does this sometimes. This summer, now that I’m smaller than I was 5 – 6 years ago, she tried more than once to get me to try on bikinis and to buy one while out at stores, only to respond with “I don’t know why you’re trying to hide. You’d look cute in one,” whenever I’d say no. She was also never shy in making sure I knew what she thought of people I went to school with or who I hung out with, whether good or bad.
In ways she has made me feel guilty for what I’ve liked and haven’t liked, which brings me to number 2. This used to be quite the issue back in high school, but not so much now. I’ve actually gotten a lot better in this aspect, which I know what I like, what my interests truly are, and what I want to do regardless of what she thinks. Still though, that isn’t to say I don’t struggle from time to time. She still continues to make me feel ashamed of myself as a person whenever she throws insults my way. Just today she had a small episode which she blamed not being able to get anything done because she had kids; basically that we had to be “catered to” all the time. Yesterday, too, she mentioned that the cost of my current nutrition appointments and medicines is what's keeping us from seeing my brother in Michigan. This probably wouldn't have bothered me so bad if it wasn't for how she said it, it's always like a snide remark for her. For a long time I have felt guilty for how I have always been health wise, and it's currently a feeling that's found its way back to me this month. I've never been as healthy of a person as I should be, have always needed some sort of procedure done or specific appointment to go through, that has since earned me the description of being a "problem child." Being reminded of that really makes me feel guilty and at fault of where my parents are financially.
Anyway, as you can see I’ve been becoming much more aware of this as a problem. For a long time, I always thought it was just her, part of her personality and who she was, but more and more now I’m realizing that’s not the case at all. A lot of people, if there is anyone at all actually, don’t know about this at all. This is the first time for me that I’ve ever talked about it because I've always felt ashamed of it all. I know it could be worse, a lot worse, but that still doesn’t make it any easier opening up about it. I really just want to know, has anyone at all dealt with a parent like this or are even living with one? It’s been very difficult to live with over the years and it still progresses to be that way, and I’m almost at wit’s end. Two years ago when I was staying on dorm at uni, as much as I hated living with other people, the relationship between my mother and I was much better and I loved the independence. Unfortunately I cannot move out right away, as I don’t have enough funds to do so with, and won’t be going back to school until next fall. Does anyone know of any ways to deal with this easier? I know the link I posted has advice of what you can do, and I am already currently doing what is listed, but there's nothing about what to do with the violence of it all. Talking about the issue with her really isn't much of an option either, as I'm very sure that she'll completely disregard what I say. If anyone can give me any kind of insight or understanding, I'd really appreciate it.
P.S. - I hope no one takes from this thread that my mother is an evil person. She really isn't, and I don't hate her despite how she's treated me. She's really a very clever, creative, and goofy person and has had her moments of being a very decent mother to me. I just wish she was more of a motherly figure to me more often growing up and even now, but unfortunately her aggressiveness has always seemed to come first.
My mom is severely passive-aggressive, and much more aggressive than passive. (Both of my parents I currently live with actually are passive-aggressive individuals, but my dad is more passive than anything which doesn’t bother me quite so bad.) Since my pre-teens/early teens (and very few times when I was a child) she has gone through violent bouts of anger, where she will yell and complain – anywhere between a half hour to even hours on end before – and slam things. She’s broke things before and in the process never fails to blame and insult and swear at everyone around her (whether that be me, my dad [very rarely will she get her angriest when he’s around and she’s only ever insulted me when he wasn’t around and at work], or even my brother when he was still here; note, she’s never in the wrong) for whatever went wrong that made her angry in the first place. Sometimes the simplest things can set her off, but usually it’s a buildup of simple annoyances over time, and it’s just waiting for that breaking point to happen. For example, the other day she had a day-long episode because the vacuum cleaner wouldn’t work, among other small things like spilling some maple syrup on the floor when she was picking up the kitchen. Simple things that would normally make a person grumpy or annoyed, sends her into an outrage. While I don’t often show it, these episodes tend to scare me a lot. My hands shake and my body tenses simultaneously, I usually feel like crying, and sometimes will get nauseous. I always brace myself for an incoming insult and a possible object thrown at my door (since I almost always shut myself in my room during these things). If I happen to be in her presence though, I cover up my fear with anger. We’ve had a quite a few verbal disputes before, and even I have said some things I’m not happy about, but I almost always try to avoid her and keep to myself and wait until she calms down.
Anger isn’t her only issue though. I recently found a list of signs of passive-aggressive parents, which my mother fits all to a “T,” especially numbers 2, 3, and 10.
Growing up my mother has been very quick to judge and label me, and to try to control me to see things her way. For much of my teens she made remarks about my looks (I didn’t wear makeup for a good portion of my teens) and how I should dress a certain way (I’ve always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl, and I hated dresses and skirts). She still does this sometimes. This summer, now that I’m smaller than I was 5 – 6 years ago, she tried more than once to get me to try on bikinis and to buy one while out at stores, only to respond with “I don’t know why you’re trying to hide. You’d look cute in one,” whenever I’d say no. She was also never shy in making sure I knew what she thought of people I went to school with or who I hung out with, whether good or bad.
In ways she has made me feel guilty for what I’ve liked and haven’t liked, which brings me to number 2. This used to be quite the issue back in high school, but not so much now. I’ve actually gotten a lot better in this aspect, which I know what I like, what my interests truly are, and what I want to do regardless of what she thinks. Still though, that isn’t to say I don’t struggle from time to time. She still continues to make me feel ashamed of myself as a person whenever she throws insults my way. Just today she had a small episode which she blamed not being able to get anything done because she had kids; basically that we had to be “catered to” all the time. Yesterday, too, she mentioned that the cost of my current nutrition appointments and medicines is what's keeping us from seeing my brother in Michigan. This probably wouldn't have bothered me so bad if it wasn't for how she said it, it's always like a snide remark for her. For a long time I have felt guilty for how I have always been health wise, and it's currently a feeling that's found its way back to me this month. I've never been as healthy of a person as I should be, have always needed some sort of procedure done or specific appointment to go through, that has since earned me the description of being a "problem child." Being reminded of that really makes me feel guilty and at fault of where my parents are financially.
Anyway, as you can see I’ve been becoming much more aware of this as a problem. For a long time, I always thought it was just her, part of her personality and who she was, but more and more now I’m realizing that’s not the case at all. A lot of people, if there is anyone at all actually, don’t know about this at all. This is the first time for me that I’ve ever talked about it because I've always felt ashamed of it all. I know it could be worse, a lot worse, but that still doesn’t make it any easier opening up about it. I really just want to know, has anyone at all dealt with a parent like this or are even living with one? It’s been very difficult to live with over the years and it still progresses to be that way, and I’m almost at wit’s end. Two years ago when I was staying on dorm at uni, as much as I hated living with other people, the relationship between my mother and I was much better and I loved the independence. Unfortunately I cannot move out right away, as I don’t have enough funds to do so with, and won’t be going back to school until next fall. Does anyone know of any ways to deal with this easier? I know the link I posted has advice of what you can do, and I am already currently doing what is listed, but there's nothing about what to do with the violence of it all. Talking about the issue with her really isn't much of an option either, as I'm very sure that she'll completely disregard what I say. If anyone can give me any kind of insight or understanding, I'd really appreciate it.
P.S. - I hope no one takes from this thread that my mother is an evil person. She really isn't, and I don't hate her despite how she's treated me. She's really a very clever, creative, and goofy person and has had her moments of being a very decent mother to me. I just wish she was more of a motherly figure to me more often growing up and even now, but unfortunately her aggressiveness has always seemed to come first.
It needed it, not going to lie, but it was just very random.