Imhotep
Well-known member
Hi all. I was going to post this in the "sex" thread but I think it warrants its own thread as I'm going to be writing more about self esteem and stuff. I think some readers may find it useful, and it's not all about me so do try to read it all - I'm mainly talking to the singletons amongst us 
.
I read a lot of negative things on this board where people are having a go at themselves about not having sex or not in a relationship etc, and I used to be exactly the same. However, I think this is a large part of the problem. Whether you know it or not, you are sending signals out that are pretty unpleasant to people. I'm not talking about on here amongst people in the same position, but in everyday life. I know now that I did it myself, and when I catch myself doing it now I try my hardest to stop. I'm talking about the feeling of being an outsider, not socially accepted, unattractive etc, because now I'm pretty sure I'm not as bad as I think I am in any of those areas and I'm sure you lot aren't either. Some of you have pics on your profile and none of you are freakishly ugly, despite some of your comments .
I had a bit of a revelation a couple of months ago when I struck up an online friendship with a very attractive girl I knew through another forum. At first, I was absolutely overjoyed just to be speaking to her, but I royally f*cked it all up by just being negative about myself all the time and saying stuff like "if I met someone [meaning her] I'd not know what to do and screw it all up". I think that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back, actually (along with when I told her what kinky stuff I liked doing sexually - free piece of advice, guys - NEVER tell a woman you've never met before anything like that : and we've never spoken since.
But the thing is, she was really attracted to me (in a non-sexual way, mostly, I assume) because of my sense of humour. I've got a sharp sense of humour and I can be pretty offbeat, and she'd noticed me even though I wasn't really trying to "attract" someone. She found me really funny and so wanted to chat to me. I've noticed some of you guys that have lady trouble have a pretty good sense of humour too, so I know I'm not alone there.
After about the third week of sitting around waiting for her to show up on MSN (even though I pretty much knew she'd blocked me), I knew I had to do something. Yes, I thought about stalking her, but instead I started working on my self-esteem and confidence. I am learning that I am NOT as bad as I thought and that if I think positively, strange things can happen.
I think the best thing anyone can do in this situation is work on how you relate to PEOPLE (not just members of the opposite sex that you find attractive). I think this ties in with the old chestnut: "it'll happen when you least expect it". If you're concentrating on just being a more rounded, naturally confident person, and not simply trying to obtain the love of your life and/or sex, people will relate to you better. And find you more attractive.
I think at some point also it needs to be mentioned that it IS an option to "let go" of the things that caused us pain in the past. I, like some of you, hung on to past hurts, thinking that if it's happened before, it will happen again. And it's possible that they will. But it's also possible that they won't.
I'm sure you've heard all this before, but there's a particular point to this: I believe it's all true.
Recently, I started taking this advice after reading a couple of books and doing a HELL of a lot of soul searching (and after a particularly scary tarrot reading in Toronto). Within a few weeks, I had had my first date in over ten years, with a really pleasant and rather attractive young lady. It went really well and we went out again at the weekend and she wants to see me again. I can't stress how much of revelation this is. A little while ago, when things with my internet friend went bad, I was pretty much as low as can be.
I don't know how things are going to go with my new friend, but there's got to be something in all this. Hopefully, everything will be great and we'll have the kind of love Sarah McLaughlan sings about all the time. If not, I hope I'm still able to remain positive about the experience and use it to become a better person.
I hope this inspires someone out there. If not, thanks for reading anyway .
.I read a lot of negative things on this board where people are having a go at themselves about not having sex or not in a relationship etc, and I used to be exactly the same. However, I think this is a large part of the problem. Whether you know it or not, you are sending signals out that are pretty unpleasant to people. I'm not talking about on here amongst people in the same position, but in everyday life. I know now that I did it myself, and when I catch myself doing it now I try my hardest to stop. I'm talking about the feeling of being an outsider, not socially accepted, unattractive etc, because now I'm pretty sure I'm not as bad as I think I am in any of those areas and I'm sure you lot aren't either. Some of you have pics on your profile and none of you are freakishly ugly, despite some of your comments
.I had a bit of a revelation a couple of months ago when I struck up an online friendship with a very attractive girl I knew through another forum. At first, I was absolutely overjoyed just to be speaking to her, but I royally f*cked it all up by just being negative about myself all the time and saying stuff like "if I met someone [meaning her] I'd not know what to do and screw it all up". I think that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back, actually (along with when I told her what kinky stuff I liked doing sexually - free piece of advice, guys - NEVER tell a woman you've never met before anything like that :
and we've never spoken since. But the thing is, she was really attracted to me (in a non-sexual way, mostly, I assume) because of my sense of humour. I've got a sharp sense of humour and I can be pretty offbeat, and she'd noticed me even though I wasn't really trying to "attract" someone. She found me really funny and so wanted to chat to me. I've noticed some of you guys that have lady trouble have a pretty good sense of humour too, so I know I'm not alone there.
After about the third week of sitting around waiting for her to show up on MSN (even though I pretty much knew she'd blocked me), I knew I had to do something. Yes, I thought about stalking her, but instead I started working on my self-esteem and confidence. I am learning that I am NOT as bad as I thought and that if I think positively, strange things can happen.
I think the best thing anyone can do in this situation is work on how you relate to PEOPLE (not just members of the opposite sex that you find attractive). I think this ties in with the old chestnut: "it'll happen when you least expect it". If you're concentrating on just being a more rounded, naturally confident person, and not simply trying to obtain the love of your life and/or sex, people will relate to you better. And find you more attractive.
I think at some point also it needs to be mentioned that it IS an option to "let go" of the things that caused us pain in the past. I, like some of you, hung on to past hurts, thinking that if it's happened before, it will happen again. And it's possible that they will. But it's also possible that they won't.
I'm sure you've heard all this before, but there's a particular point to this: I believe it's all true.
Recently, I started taking this advice after reading a couple of books and doing a HELL of a lot of soul searching (and after a particularly scary tarrot reading in Toronto). Within a few weeks, I had had my first date in over ten years, with a really pleasant and rather attractive young lady. It went really well and we went out again at the weekend and she wants to see me again. I can't stress how much of revelation this is. A little while ago, when things with my internet friend went bad, I was pretty much as low as can be.
I don't know how things are going to go with my new friend, but there's got to be something in all this. Hopefully, everything will be great and we'll have the kind of love Sarah McLaughlan sings about all the time. If not, I hope I'm still able to remain positive about the experience and use it to become a better person.
I hope this inspires someone out there. If not, thanks for reading anyway
.
