Just keep hitting me til i fall.

[Agent_Violet]

I really feel like life's punching bag right now.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything piles onto your back and you get so deeply depressed you don't want to wake up?

Among many other things...

my half sister downloaded pics of her wedding. Amazingly our father was there to walk her down the aisle,pose for pictures, and do the daddy/daughter dance with her. I've been trying to have a relationship with him since I was 17 years old and met him for the first time after he walked out when i was 2...I send him cards, yearly photos of my son, and invited him to my wedding.

He never rsvp'd and he never showed up for me. My little boy was the one who walked me down the aisle...and I didn't have a daddy/daughter dance.

So that bit of information was the icing on my depression cake today.

I keep wanting to cry over it but I realize that's stupid. It's done, it's over. my wedding was small and beautiful..why care if he couldn't make the effort to be there for me? It's not a shock...he has never been there for me so why would he start then?

Anyone else ever have someone in there life treat everyone around them so nicely and then treat you like an outcast not worthy of a second glance??

 

[SeniorRedrings]

Yes,I have but you have to acknowledge that there is something wrong and lacking with that person for not wanting your love in the first instance,and there's something right and fruitful with you for wanting your love to be accepted and returned.

The dynamics of the relationship you describe should work.However if one the people involved is broken,incapable,not fit for purpose then sadly it will put strain,great strain, on the one attempting to make things work.
The effort will only have you rowing around in circles.

How good is it to turn up for the public spectacle yet not be able to impart care and affection in private?
Not so good in my opinion.
I am sure that he does love you,sadly there is something either stopping him form showing it or knowing it.
Only he knows what.
You just have to turn and look to your own,love those around you,make sure they never felt as hurt and neglected by you as you do by your father.
Let others have what he doesn't want,gift them,for you are precious.

 

[Section_31]

Hey Violet,

Its NOT stupid. This is a very legit hurt. Parents can hurt us so bad, cant they?. Its easy to say its nothing new, but that in itself is the problem, isnt it?. This isnt the way a father is supposed to act towards his children, so of course your going to be feeling how you do. thats natural. Im going through somthing simliar with my own father currently. We used to be very very close, somthing happened, and now its just never going to b the same.

Not the same situation, and i still sort of half a relationship with mine, but i do understand where yo are coming from. On the opposite end of the coin, my mother is the same way towards me. Ive sent her cards, ect, and gotten nothing at all.

Its tough to deal with all of lifes nonsense like this when we already have enough crap going on with S/A, ect. Dont shove it away though, and dont try to pretend you arent feeling it. As sucky as it is, you need time to process this and heal, because otherwise your going to carry it, and thats never a good thing.

Im sending you a big hug right now .

 

[Agent_Violet]

Yes,I have but you have to acknowledge that there is something wrong and lacking with that person for not wanting your love in the first instance,and there's something right and fruitful with you for wanting your love to be accepted and returned.

i actually really like how you put it. what an interesting way to spin it! thank you so much for this

 

[Agent_Violet]

Hey Violet,

Its NOT stupid. This is a very legit hurt. Parents can hurt us so bad, cant they?. Its easy to say its nothing new, but that in itself is the problem, isnt it?. This isnt the way a father is supposed to act towards his children, so of course your going to be feeling how you do. thats natural. Im going through somthing simliar with my own father currently. We used to be very very close, somthing happened, and now its just never going to b the same.

Not the same situation, and i still sort of half a relationship with mine, but i do understand where yo are coming from. On the opposite end of the coin, my mother is the same way towards me. Ive sent her cards, ect, and gotten nothing at all.

Its tough to deal with all of lifes nonsense like this when we already have enough crap going on with S/A, ect. Dont shove it away though, and dont try to pretend you arent feeling it. As sucky as it is, you need time to process this and heal, because otherwise your going to carry it, and thats never a good thing.

Im sending you a big hug right now .

you are simply the best my friend...thank you so very much. im sorry about your mom, but i'm comforted that someone else understands what i'm feeling.

 

[Feathers]

((Hugz))

I can't pretend to understand, but I sometimes wish my dad (and mum) were MORE absent from my life...
I know, maybe sounds horrible... But they can be very interfering, overprotective, pushy, have very strong opinions on everything, and have made me stay single (among other things) by constant bickering and squabbling... sorry, they just drive me nuts.

I think you are perhaps LUCKY to have no such interfering influence in your life - maybe that's why you have a lovely husband and family and it all...

It *is* a very legit hurt... I agree... Maybe reading about narcissistic/borderline parents or such may help you (it helped me - and I'm not saying any of them are, just reading other people's difficult stories could in a way help...) it's still difficult sometimes though...
There are some good posts on crappy fathers on experienceproject.com too, maybe it can help you to read those... (I know it sounds weird, but it kinda helped me, when I was really angry with my dad...)

There can also be family mysteries/secrets we may know nothing about... Some things about my family only made sense when I learnt the background behind it all...
And even that does not excuse anyone...

((Hugz)) Hope things get better...

PS Love your signature, he he...

 

[Agent_Violet]

((Hugz))

I can't pretend to understand, but I sometimes wish my dad (and mum) were MORE absent from my life...
I know, maybe sounds horrible... But they can be very interfering, overprotective, pushy, have very strong opinions on everything, and have made me stay single (among other things) by constant bickering and squabbling... sorry, they just drive me nuts.

I think you are perhaps LUCKY to have no such interfering influence in your life - maybe that's why you have a lovely husband and family and it all...

It *is* a very legit hurt... I agree... Maybe reading about narcissistic/borderline parents or such may help you (it helped me - and I'm not saying any of them are, just reading other people's difficult stories could in a way help...) it's still difficult sometimes though...
There are some good posts on crappy fathers on experienceproject.com too, maybe it can help you to read those... (I know it sounds weird, but it kinda helped me, when I was really angry with my dad...)

There can also be family mysteries/secrets we may know nothing about... Some things about my family only made sense when I learnt the background behind it all...
And even that does not excuse anyone...

((Hugz)) Hope things get better...

PS Love your signature, he he...

Thanks Feathers...I never really looked at it that way before. I will definitely take a look at the site you recommended. I mean, I guess it's better to have no father at all than to have a crappy one who is always around.

(((hugs back at ya)))


*i laugh everytime i see my signature..it just tickles me *

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

I won't say I understand because everone's situation is different but I had a similar experience with my father.

I only speak to my father a couple of times a year and thats only because those are the times he phones me a few weeks before my birthday and christmas. I try to call all the time but he never answers the phone. He speaks to my sister all the time and even babysits her kids when she wants to go somewhere. He only see's my daughter at christmas and eve then barely speaks. I have always put it down to it being me in the past but lately I have come to a realization that he is the one with the problem. Everything was fine till my wife (then my girlfriend) fell pregnant. We argued a lot and she threw me out, which was down to hormones. We were only apart for a couple of weeks. We got married 6 months later, my father never came to my wedding, my best man was my stepfather whom I can't stand and all my family pretty much disowned me. My father though was the worst and we didn't speak for 7 years. It's now nine years we have been married and my family still don't speak to me properly, only when they want stuff doing for them, and my father, like I said, only at christmas and my birthday. Not even his grandaughters birthday.
I say, screw them all, it's my life and I'll live it how I see fit, if you don't like it, tough, not my problem.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I really feel like life's punching bag right now.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything piles onto your back and you get so deeply depressed you don't want to wake up?

Among many other things...

my half sister downloaded pics of her wedding. Amazingly our father was there to walk her down the aisle,pose for pictures, and do the daddy/daughter dance with her. I've been trying to have a relationship with him since I was 17 years old and met him for the first time after he walked out when i was 2...I send him cards, yearly photos of my son, and invited him to my wedding.

He never rsvp'd and he never showed up for me. My little boy was the one who walked me down the aisle...and I didn't have a daddy/daughter dance.

So that bit of information was the icing on my depression cake today.

I keep wanting to cry over it but I realize that's stupid. It's done, it's over. my wedding was small and beautiful..why care if he couldn't make the effort to be there for me? It's not a shock...he has never been there for me so why would he start then?

Anyone else ever have someone in there life treat everyone around them so nicely and then treat you like an outcast not worthy of a second glance??

I'm sorry about your father not showing up at your wedding; that was one of the most important parts of your life. My situation has pieces that are similar to yours: my father, for starters, never paid for child support. He then went on to tear my family apart, all but kidnap us from my mother's house while she was away, cheat on her (and now recently he cheated on my stepmother), mentally destroy me and my brothers, verbally attack me, let my stepfamily hit us knowing full well that it was against the law and left us to rot. I don't bear any malice towards him though, because that's one shackle that he has over my life and I refuse to be tied to him any longer. He rarely (and that's putting it mildly) calls the family anymore and refuses to help me get through college. Currently, however, it seems like everyone is ignoring me; my family talks to each other all of the time, yet they hardly call me. I try calling them and they do answer sometimes, but they never call my phone. I'm always the last one to learn about current events in my family which really hammers home how much of an outcast I am in my family. If it weren't for the fact that I'm considered the "smart one" in my family, I'm not sure if they would ever call.

But, don't worry about the father that wasn't there; if he doesn't want to be there to see his beautiful daughter get married, then that's his loss. Focus on the man in your life that is there and the son who stood by you; let them become your happiness. You deserve to be happy and I'm sorry if I spoke about myself too much. I just wanted to prove a point and myself is all I've ever had to think about; I don't have very many people in my life. I envy your life; I wish I had someone who loved me and someone who I could love.

 

[kilojoule]

Sorry Violet *hugs*

 

[upndwn]

Being rejected is one of the toughest emotional trials to face, especially from a parent. I was rejected by my mother when I was about 15 years old. She blamed me for having child protective services break up my family, even though it was my teacher who reported her (rightfully though). To this day, 17 years later I barely have any contact with her, nor do I want to. I have expected that we have gone our separate ways, and I barely acknowledge her as family any more. Letting go of someone you love, especially a parent, requires great commitment and will, but sometimes it is the best option. I met my mother for the first time in four years at my sisters wedding last year. I posed for pictures, smiled and was generally nice and polite, but really all I wanted was to tell her what a c**t she had been to me and my sister and that she could just f**k off. Yes harsh words indeed, but after spending most of my teenage years caring for my sister and cleaning up after my mothers drunken mess, only getting a beating in return, I felt it was legitimate of me to think this way.

Now I don't know how relevant this is to your stories, but I only wanted to highlight the pain our parents sometimes puts us through, be it deliberate or through ignorance or fear. Personally I have finally learned how to focus on my own life without my parents shadows influencing my life. It is a hard reality of life, but your parents won't be here forever and one day you will have to stand up for yourself wether you like or not. I hope you all can reconcile with your parents, I truly do, but for me that train has gone and passed a long time ago.

 

[Agent_Violet]

Thank you everyone for all of your input and telling me about your personal experiences. It has helped me greatly over the past few days.

This whole situation with my father and reading everyone's stories about their family has really lit a fire inside of me somehow. I realize how much I took being a mother for granted. I mean, I spend time with my little boy and nurture him but I guess it wasn't apparent to me on a deep enough level exactly HOW important I am to him.

I realize it now and while I was already doing the things that a loving,caring mother does...I feel like the motions of being a good mother are coming from a deeper place now.

So..thank you again.