Journey Through Agoraphobia, Panic and Anxiety

[WearyChild]

No title today. It was good and then bad. Had a better sleep, not by much though. Went for a walk and actually went into the gas station. Got anxious around dinner then have been overly depressed and had chest pain since. Continuing with program and it hit me emotionally today, talking about hypochondriacs and agoraphobics both of which I am. Wants me to surrender to my panic but that eludes all definitions of panic doesn't it?

 

[WearyChild]

Good turns to Bad

One thing I find consistent in my journey is that every time I had a decently good day I have an equally bad one the next. Today I woke up and my first coherent thought was about sticky blood and gingivitis which I saw a 5 min segment on about a month ago so I have no idea where that thought came from. I just don't know how to stop thinking about health. Yet at the same time its that exact thing that keeps me from going near a doctors. Well if I could leave the house anyway.

 

[WearyChild]

Its been awhile since I've posted and I would just like to say yes I'm still here and still alive. My condition has been up and down with the weather and I find my optimism is too. Last few days have been really depressing. Keep thinking about why I even bother thinking that theres hope.

 

[WearyChild]

There is hope. Yesterday I made a split second disission that may of just saved my life. I hoped in the car and went to my friends, just there and back no stopping but guess what. Today I went to her house for the first time in 3 months and I stayed for 8 hours. It felt so exhilarating. I'll post more tomorrow about it and the experience but I am completely whipped from today. Emotionally and physically draining, but in a good way.

 

[WearyChild]

Okay so I waited two days instead of one to post but alas the news is good. So I went to my friends for 8 hours like I said and today I went to the grocery store easy peasy. I'm going to my friends tomorrow and things are majorly looking up. I can't wait I'm actually excited. Going to be painting a statue and its going to be around town and it will have my name on it and I was going to not do it cause I was afraid I would screw up and **** but I accepted and now I'm nervous excited in a good way. I know I still have a long way to go but hear me now people, things get better, even if it is just temporary.

 

[WearyChild]

So its been ages since I've posted but for those who were reading along with my story, I went to my friends house a few times, went to the grocery store and about two days after that post I had a panic attack so bad to nights in a row and ended up laying in bed for a week and a half in constant panic. Everything went back to the beginning and I'm completely screwed up. So much for hope.

 

[Remus]

you have to pick yourself up and keep trying mate, often it's two steps forward and one step back and you feel you are back at square one but you can get there!

Panic disorder does kinda wear off, you have to figure it out, keeping pushing that panic boundary is probably the best way, this is by no means easy in any stretch of the imagination.

 

[WearyChild]

I felt compelled to continue my story. I will fill in from where I left off. I finished that beaver statue that was fun and I continued walking and going to the store almost daily. Sometime in October about a week after my sister had her baby I had a major panic attack stayed in bed for a weei screaming for help until finally went to the hospital and ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. Dont get me wrong I kind of liked it there. For me being forced around people and able to socialize in a controlled enviroment was like a vacation. They put me on clonasapam and pristiq and at the end of those two weeks they shipped me home cause my friend (known as Helmaninquiel on here) ended up in there and apparently friends in the same ward is not permitted. So was home stopped walking entirely but seemed alright. Wasn't overly depressed and I made it through the holidays. Janruary comes around and Im back in the paych ward. Only a week but two days after I flipped my lid ended up in a real psych ward for another week. You meet alot of cool people in psych wards. Cant say its all fun especially when you find someone hanging in the shower and have to get them down and get help. Which is what happened the last day I was there. Great parting memory. Got off the pristiq thought about suicide to much while on it. Bit later ran out of clonasapam then they tried giving me other **** I refused to take drugs and had the worst withdrawls ever and ended up in the ER alot those two weeks. That was beginning of february. Since then I have not left about a 50 feet radius around my house (if that) have not been able to have people over and have been slowly feeling like my bodies falling apart around me. Im financially screwed because I refuse to go on financial aid and I cant find a legitimite way to make money at home. Everything is stressers now. I no longer try to get better. Im pretty much a complete mess. Ill keep you updated.

 

[Remus]

That all sounds shocking! What did the shrinks (thoroughly?) diagnose you with?

 

[WearyChild]

That all sounds shocking! What did the shrinks (thoroughly?) diagnose you with?

Thats the funny part. Although they would refer to me as agoraphobic they never really diagnosed me with anything. Alot of the time they made comments sounding like I was faking it because I acted to happy in the psych wards. Well sorry that I havent seen human beings other then my family in over a year and that was kind of exciting for me. Forgot to mention I also got hooked up with the Canadian Mental Health Assostiation and a worker would come to my house but that worker had to go on maternity leave so I was supposed to call to set up with new one (which I cant do cause I cant call people which they knew) so eventually they sent me a letter in the mail saying since I never contacted them so they could no longer support me.

 

[kilojoule]

The first anxiety attack I ever had was after smoking something not so legal too

 

[WearyChild]

The first anxiety attack I ever had was after smoking something not so legal too

Seems to happen more often then not that way.