Journey Through Agoraphobia, Panic and Anxiety

[WearyChild]

I have decided that I am going to record my journey through this mess of life. At first I just wrote in a journal every evening what happened that day but I figure people out there must be going through something similar and my experiences may help other, or others may be able to help me. I will be posting on this thread almost daily, maybe not quiet depending on the amount that happens in a singular day. Well as it is I suppose the best place to begin is at the beginning so here goes nothing.

My name is Leah and I am 19 years old, I live in Ontario Canada and for the last two or so years I have had anxiety. It started summer/fall of 2008 the same year my mother had a heart failure and died for 24 mins. I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this but I'm going to keep each post short.​

 

[WearyChild]

First Panic Attack

I was hanging out with my friend Gab and we had been smoking something not quite as legal as cigarettes. Although at the time this was a regular occurrence this night was different. We were relaxing in her basement and I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore so I asked her if we could sit outside. After gasping for air outside for awhile we went in and told her family I was having an 'asthma' attack. Don't get me wrong I do have asthma but I knew it was different. I got a drive home and I spent the rest of the evening pacing/sitting/freaking out with my mom attempting to get me to relax. Of course I was in a state of mind that said if I stay still I'm going to die but if I leave my moms sight I'm going to die alone. The tv had its distractions and would calm me down but then I would think, 'Why was I trying to calm myself down?' and everything would come back times ten. Eventually I passed out and woke up the next morning not really understanding what happened and in a slight panic that it hadn't ended at all. If I look at it now it never really did. Not completely.

 

[WearyChild]

Friends

That friend I spoke of, Gab, well she was just visiting her mom at that time she had recently met her father and now I haven't seen here since. I've had really only a few other friends since.

In real life theres Wendy, my socially impaired partner in insanity. Until two months ago I have spent four days a week for the last two years at her house. Two months ago I had a panic attack at her house and started what one would call being agoraphobic since but I'll get into that later. We never really did anything but we were support for each other and even on the days we just layed there and laughed about death having her made it just a little bit easier to cope.

Then theres Ben, my boy next door best friend from since I was three. He still lives in my home town and is eccentric you could say. I don't think he quite understands my problems but he has stayed loyal to our friendship and is annoyingly persistent with attempting to get me to hang out.

The Aarons. I have had two main online friends in my life. Both named Aaron. The first one I started talking to five years ago. He was the best friend I could of ever had but alas he had a girlfriend who didn't want him talking to me so our five daily chats turned into never hearing from him again. I wonder what happened to him. Then theres the newer Aaron. I met him on Plentyoffish, he wants to meet me. I talk to him everyday and hes a good friend and all but I don't think I'm capable of ever meeting someone off the internet. Adds quite a lot of stress to me but I enjoy talking to him most the time.

At the moment I see Wendy on the rare occasion when she actually comes to my house for the weekend. She doesn't really like people which includes basically anyone but her mom, grandpa and me so when she does come over were locked in my room which I don't mind. Ben don't talk to much I think hes a wee bit pissed I stopped hanging out. Aaron #1 is gone and #2 I talk to less and less because I'm running out of ways to avoid the topic of meeting.

 

[WearyChild]

Family

Heres my family

Mary - Mom - 54
Robert - Dad - 52

Sarah - Sister - 29
Angela - Sister - 24
Deborah - Sister - 22
Daniel - Brother - 21
Me
Bethany - Sister - 16

First things first, yes we are all from the same parents, I know its a shock now a days but its true. (I'll edit this and add info about them in a bit have a killer headache right now)

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

First Panic Attack

I was hanging out with my friend Gab and we had been smoking something not quite as legal as cigarettes.

That stuff affects both your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems as well as increasing your heart rate. I'm not morally against it or something, but I'd say that if panic attacks are part of the problem you might want to stay away from it.

I feel like I'm interrupting. ::

 

[Noca]

Nice to learn about you. You sound like an interesting person. PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[WearyChild]

Flash Forward

Thought I would talk about tonight since I do indeed have anxiety now. Also to answer to person whos name I just forgot with the invader Zim picture I am well aware of that and the day of my first panic attack was the last day I ever did it.

On to tonights panic one word 2012. I know its sad and pathetic but I can't help but be afraid of death, I mean its the unknown, most likely painful and all that jazz. But tonight my family rented the movie 2012, I know all the things about 2012 already and have thought about it a lot. I decided it would be in my best interest not to watch the movie so I moved my laptop into the next room. Apparently listening to it was enough for my mind to start setting off alarms. So here I am slightly but not badly anxious. I'm actually proud because I've felt bad all day so it wouldn't of surprised me to have really bad panic. The thing that irritates me about 2012 is that no matter how much I tell myself nothings going to happen or it wont be the end of the world I know in the back of my mind when it actually is 2012 I am going to freak out.

Oh and also to the Invader Zim person... Nathaniel that was it. Don't worry about posting I'll either erase or just leave the posts because really how else am I expected to get a response from people. (might type more tonight, definitly be a lot of updates tomorrow, fill you all in on my family and my situation now) On another note I just realized, people if you would like to help me keep this forum tidier you could always PM me instead.

 

[Noca]

I don't fear death as no one makes it out of life alive anyway.

 

[WearyChild]

Day by Day

First off Noca thats an awesome line, I don't fear death as no one makes it out of life alive anyway. I'm going to write that down somewhere it makes alot of sense to me. Well anyway, the last few days I have been attempting to get out of the house. At first it was just to the mailbox but now I can make it alot further by myself. I find that I have to walk by myself to make it worth anything. When I walk with someone else or with one of the dogs it gives me a sense of comfort that doesn't push me. But when I walk by myself I accomplish more and am able to get farther by myself. The farther I go I can feel my throat tighten and thoughts starting to arise but I pause and stand there until I calm down and then keep going. If I always just turn around and come back I'll never make it farther.

 

[k123dave]

Fascinating reading, I wish you the best of luck writing it down Leah.
For me it's that dread you feel in your stomach, like a rock, it weighs down in there, and you feel it constantly. ::
When I get a panic attack it's the fear of failure (friends, family) drives me on.

 

[Noca]

My agoraphobia is really bothering me. All I want to do is hide in my room instead of going to school.

 

[Noca]

For me it's that dread you feel in your stomach, like a rock, it weighs down in there, and you feel it constantly.

Ugh I can feel it right now. I'm terrified to leave my room for school.

 

[WearyChild]

The Feelings

I think the hardest thing is not knowing what your afraid of. Many people are afraid of rejection or failure ect, ect. For me its just pure fear. I think not knowing what I'm afraid of makes me afraid of everything. Death, Pain, Life, Happiness, Acceptance. Everything and anything. When I'm feeling panicy it can be anything from light headedness to rapid heart rate to just feeling of unease. I think its the light headedness that I dislike the most because it makes me feel out of control.

Physically I have a few ailments, torn muscle in my leg (afraid of going to doctor to find out), migraines and tinnitus. I would post a pic here but then I would have to find a link if you want to see what I look like theres a picture in my album or in the post your pic thread. Oh another major dislike of mine is when my sight is off, makes me geel not quite all there as well.

 

[WearyChild]

Agoraphobia

Two months ago I had a panic attack while at my only friends house and it messed me up. I came home and haven't left since. For the first few weeks, I hid in my room in the basement. It was alright I used to do this a lot before but after a month I started getting really depressed. I had quit smoking and every time I saw someone walk outside for a cigarette I wouldn't crave the cigarette I would look at the door open and close and wonder if I'd ever go through it again.

Two weeks ago I started walking to the mailbox everyday, some days I would stop half way thinking I was going to have a heart attack but I pressed on. Going there and coming back. Of course the mailbox is only 12 houses down the street so thats not a large accomplishment but on Friday my sisters were in the swamp taking pictures and I told my mom I'd get them for dinner. I walked very slowly and could feel my throat tightening each step but I got there and I gave them the message. Granted where they were was probably the same distance as the mailbox but it was through this I realized that the only way to get out was by myself.

The next day I walked into the swamp and sat down until I was completely comfortable. The next day I went to the end, and kept going around a few streets and back home. Today I took a different root. Walking is challenging without a distraction but I think being stuck in my own head is a necessity. Otherwise I will always need that crutch in order to get out. I'm going to try going a bit further each day until I am able to go to public places again. Being at home can get highly depressing.

 

[WearyChild]

Over Thinking Everything

I think personally one of my main problems is I don't have enough distraction so I have to much time to over think everything. Today I was outside (shocker I know) in front of my house with my one friend Wendy and I was overly anxious just afraid I was going to pass out afraid for the future just plain panic.

We were sitting there just talking I was trying to calm down and two people I knew from years ago walk by and start talking to me. As soon as they started talking to me I completely forgot about panic and the thinking I was going to die. I think talking with them and letting the dogs play was the lightest I've felt in awhile. Does anyone else have this? Oh and you can private message me instead of posting here if you would like.

 

[WearyChild]

Hope---less

Does anyone ever feel randomly hopeless? Well less randomly and more completely and totally. Sometimes while in the pit of anxiety and despair I think why. Whats the point. Go forward only to die. Every time things get better they always get even worse. I don't think I could handle it if things got worse then they are now. Originally when I broke down my mom sent me to therapy and my therapist got me from sitting in my room to school in only a month. I wish I had that kind of miracle now. Even if I wanted to go back to therapy we couldn't afford it anymore. Both my parents lost there jobs last month. Anyone know a way to deal with hopelessness?

I find that people who have faith in something faith in a religion seem overall more happy and less afraid of death. How to people just ease there minds and live. How can people believe in something that no one can see. Right now I just feel overly frustrated and want to cry. I feel so hopeless and so alone. Ah well what am I going to do.

 

[WearyChild]

Crying

So what started as tiredness turned into acid reflex and panic which added to stress which caused crying..... again. Sometimes I just feel like there is no one who is experiencing this. My mom went through depression but thats it and although obviously I'm not the only one (hence this website) it just feels that way. I'm so scared and I feel like no ones willing to lend me a shoulder.... although must admit after panic and crying you get a good sleep.... hope thats true tonight.... really really hope.... maybe I'll pray.... doubt anyone will listen. Tonight I am so emotionally sad when my mom went to bed I felt like it was a death sentence for me and I refused to let her take the dog so I could cry and talk to it. I just don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to question whether walking to the mailbox is going to kill me. I just wish I had someone new to talk to in real life. Well I guess you guys will find out tomorrow if I survive the night. T-T ..... literally

 

[WearyChild]

Survival

Well I survived the night. Woke up anxious, something I rarely do. Just my arms hurt and my legs hurt and my chest hurt. One of those days that I would normally laugh and say I feel like I got hit by a truck and it backed up for good measure but now since my anxietys been worse I can't ignore any pain of weird feeling thats not normally there. Sometimes I feel like I'm not really living, just surviving. Yes my body is still here but has it gotten so bad that my mind has just given up?

 

[WearyChild]

Programs

In the middle of my breakdown last night I was thinking about all those programs they advertise around. I know personally I don't think I could ever take any drugs since doctors and drugs are one of my major anxieties but these programs like Easy Calm. Has anyone actually done any of them? Do any of them work?

 

[WearyChild]

A truck ran me over this morning and backed up for good measure

I hurt so much right now, I woke up sore from walking more then normal yesterday and that was okay but then I helped my mom clean the back yard (dog destroyed it during the winter) and now I feel like I did physical labor three days straight with no sleep. Of course I haven't been but it just hurts.