Journey of Jazz

MikeyC

MikeyC

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PerseverareJasmine said:
I was pacing around the house earlier today, stopping from time to time to lean against a wall and sort of "sink into" my thoughts. I'm not sure why, but pacing usually helps me think more clearly about issues that I might be having, or just contemplate things that are on my mind. Somehow it makes it seem like there's less "blockage" in my mind.
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Light exercise is good for a lot of things, and being able to digest your thoughts is one of them. Maybe it's the slight increase of heart rate, or the pumping of blood, but walking is good for that. When you sit, you feel tired and lazy, which I am right now. *yawns* Hehe.

PerseverareJasmine said:
I've realized lately that I have a strong tendency to feel inadequate. Well I guess I've always noticed that about me, its just been more apparent to me recently. Looking back at the times when I've shied away from people, the main reason for me doing it in most of the cases was that I felt that they deserved better. A better person to talk to, spend time with, etc. Especially when it comes to potential friendships. Whenever I can feel that a friendship might develop, my self-doubt kicks in. I basically go down the list of my faults in my mind and ask myself why would someone want someone around who has the faults that I do. Its like I don't even require someone else trash talking me in order for me to feel discouraged and put down, because my own mind does that job itself.

I don't think my feelings of inadequacy are as bad as they used to be, but they are still here, waiting to flare up when something triggers them. I'm trying to work past it though, and to remind myself of what I could possibly bring to the table when it comes to a friendship or relationship, rather than focusing on the negative aspects of myself that I feel would deter people from wanting to keep me around.
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It's good to hear that you're working on this, because defaulting to inadequacy will ensure you keep potential friends away. You seem like you'd be a good friend, just from the little I've seen of you here, so start thinking about why you would be a good friend to local people, not why you wouldn't. :)
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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MikeyC said:
Light exercise is good for a lot of things, and being able to digest your thoughts is one of them. Maybe it's the slight increase of heart rate, or the pumping of blood, but walking is good for that. When you sit, you feel tired and lazy, which I am right now. *yawns* Hehe.
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Oh, I see. That's a good explanation for it. No worries, I'm feeling lazy at the moment too. I'm curled up on the couch and stuffing my face with two slices of leftover greasy pizza. I guess maybe everyone gets into a lazy mode at some point.

MikeyC said:
It's good to hear that you're working on this, because defaulting to inadequacy will ensure you keep potential friends away. You seem like you'd be a good friend, just from the little I've seen of you here, so start thinking about why you would be a good friend to local people, not why you wouldn't. :)
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Thanks :).
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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This pizza really is good, pepperoni pizza from Little Caesers, pizza pizza. Hawaiian pizza is my favorite, but I definitely don't have any complaints about pepperoni pizza. Though I think I like calzones a bit more than pizza. My dad makes homemade calzones with pepperoni, sausage, Canadian bacon, mushrooms, and lots of cheddar and mozzarella cheese in them, so yummy.

My dog Spanky's stretched out on the floor in front of the couch, looking at me occasionally, but I can tell he's sleepy. I just feel comfortable, I'm not stressed, there aren't many troubling thoughts clouding my mind like there usually are, and I feel satisfied overall at the moment. Why can't more moments be like this?
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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My older sister's 21st birthday is coming up soon, on the 29th of this month, so my mom and I are going to San Antonio around that time to see her. She says she plans on going to some type of big party before her birthday to celebrate. I've never liked the idea of birthday parties though. My 19th birthday is on September 18th, but I'm not going to do much of anything for it, as usual. I'm satisfied with staying at home on my birthdays and maybe eating some cheesecake if I can get any. My family used to have this sort of family tradition of singing happy birthday very loudly and off key to each other on our birthdays, but that tradition started to die down and eventually stopped after my parents split up.

It'll be nice seeing my sister again since we haven't seen each other in a while, other than through video chats on Skype once in a while.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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PerseverareJasmine

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Deja Vu said:
I think most tend to have the problem of hiding how they are truly feeling. I mean perhaps if we were more honest and displayed how we actually felt- things would go more smoothly.
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When it comes to hiding sadness I usually try to put on a "brave face" and bottle up my feelings, which I don't think is the best way to deal with it, but that's what I seem to fall back on. Mostly it leads to me feeling more hurt and sort of frustrated with myself though, so I think that's a good point that there would possibly be less complications if people were more upfront with their feelings.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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My dad came over to visit earlier today because he didn't have to work, and while he was cooking breakfast we kept hearing a very high-pitched, sort of whining sound. It seemed to be coming from the bushes in the front yard by the kitchen window, so we went outside to see if we could see anything near them. We could tell that a kitten must have gotten stuck in the bushes, but we couldn't see where he/she was. We tried to coax the kitten out by calling out and whistling to him/her, but it didn't work. The kitten started crying out louder, as if he/she could hear us, but was trapped behind something, so we called the city's animal care and control center to ask if they could send someone to try and get the kitten out.

A man showed up from the center about 30 minutes later and he tried the same method we tried, calling out to the kitten and whistling to it, but the kitten still couldn't seem to find a out. Then he told us that he was going to have to cut down some of the bush to try to get to him/her. After cutting some of it down, the man said there was a large rock in the bush that the kitten was trapped behind, but he'd be able to pull him/her out. After a little struggling, the man was able to scoop up the kitten in his hands and was able to determine that the kitten was a female. She was about the size of the kitten in this picture that I saw on a website:
tiny-kitten.jpg
, but she was grey with black streaks and bright blue eyes, and her coat looked unkempt. She looked really scared too. She was constantly meowing like she was still in distress and she was violently shaking. The man told us he thought it was possible that she had been abandoned by her mother, and that he was going to take her to an animal shelter nearby where there was a nursing cat and that they would treat and look after her. I hope she'll be alright, poor girl.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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My mom got back together with her ex-boyfriend tonight. I've described his behavior and how I dislike him in my diary before. He talks down to my mom when they are alone and also in public, he swears at her often and has called her a bitch many times. He's called her fat in the past and criticizes her about her appearance. He is rude to my father and has even started an argument with him before over the fact that my dad still comes to visit me and keeps in contact with my mom. Yes my parents are divorced, but my father still has the right to come and see me whenever he wants to. When my parents split up, the feeling that they should split up was mutual and they both agreed they would stay as good-natured as possible around each other for the sake of my sister and I. They also agreed that my dad was free to visit.

I don't know why my mom keeps going back to her boyfriend. She's complained more times than I can keep track of about how quick tempered, disrespectful, and unaffectionate he is, yet she decides to go back to him. I've had difficult times with my mom in the past, and we still don't get along as well as I'd like us to, but I do love her, and I know that she should be with a man who treats her right and like he actually cares about her.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

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PerseverareJasmine said:
My mom got back together with her ex-boyfriend tonight. I've described his behavior and how I dislike him in my diary before. He talks down to my mom when they are alone and also in public, he swears at her often and has called her a bitch many times. He's called her fat in the past and criticizes her about her appearance. He is rude to my father and has even started an argument with him before over the fact that my dad still comes to visit me and keeps in contact with my mom. Yes my parents are divorced, but my father still has the right to come and see me whenever he wants to. When my parents split up, the feeling that they should split up was mutual and they both agreed they would stay as good-natured as possible around each other for the sake of my sister and I. They also agreed that my dad was free to visit.

I don't know why my mom keeps going back to her boyfriend. She's complained more times than I can keep track of about how quick tempered, disrespectful, and unaffectionate he is, yet she decides to go back to him. I've had difficult times with my mom in the past, and we still don't get along as well as I'd like us to, but I do love her, and I know that she should be with a man who treats her right and like he actually cares about her.
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Women are sometimes drawn back to abusive boyfriends, and it could be a number of reasons (loneliness, self-esteem, denial), but your mum should cut him loose if he's going to keep doing that to her.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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MikeyC said:
Women are sometimes drawn back to abusive boyfriends, and it could be a number of reasons (loneliness, self-esteem, denial), but your mum should cut him loose if he's going to keep doing that to her.
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Yes, she does need to stop going back to him if he continues to act the way he does with her. I wish he would change, but it doesn't seem that likely. He's told my mom many times that he would try to get his stuff together, usually after a break up, but he hasn't kept his word once.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I finally was able to schedule an appointment with a dermatologist. This is embarrassing to admit, but this is my diary after all. I've had issues with the skin on my back since I was about fourteen. It used to be covered with bumps, but they have faded and I don't break out on my back nearly as much as I used to. Unfortunately, now I have a bad case of dark marks on my back, and on my shoulders as well. I've tried many products to attempt to fade them, including Ambi fade cream, Nadinola, tea tree oil, cocoa butter soap, and Proactiv's dark spot correcter, but none of the products I've tried have worked for me.

My appointment is tomorrow at eleven. Its been discouraging trying out products and having them fail to make a difference, but hopefully something that the dermatologist suggests can help. I'm tired of feeling self-conscious about my marks.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I feel like I'm only a burden and a failure. I don't know what's the point of me being alive if this is what "life" is going to feel like. There's no use in me being around when I have nothing to provide to anyone. I don't know why anyone would care about me. I'm tired of going through the same cycle over and over again. I don't want my birthday to come. I have no idea how I'm supposed to make it in the world.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
I feel like I'm only a burden and a failure. I don't know what's the point of me being alive if this is what "life" is going to feel like. There's no use in me being around when I have nothing to provide to anyone. I don't know why anyone would care about me. I'm tired of going through the same cycle over and over again. I don't want my birthday to come. I have no idea how I'm supposed to make it in the world.
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What bought this on?
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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MikeyC said:
What bought this on?
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I've been getting depressed about my birthdays for a few years now. I'm almost bitter about birthdays at this point. My life has felt incredibly stagnant for such a long time, and its getting to me. I'm becoming more and more fearful of the possibility that every year, every day will be exactly the same without any improvement.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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Well, I'm officially nineteen today. Maybe it will sink in more as the day goes on. I don't feel any different at the moment. This isn't my dog, but I like this video, despite the fact that its just going in a loop. This song is one of my favorites and helps me feel more relaxed too.

AMERiCA VENTURA HiGHWAY - YouTube

The thing that I do like about birthdays is that my family is usually more affectionate towards each other on our birthdays. I've described in here many times how my family doesn't do much hugging and that we don't display our affection for each other very well at all. We hardly tell each other that we love each other either. Its not that we don't love each other, we just have a difficult time expressing it, and maybe we take the fact that we have people who love us unconditionally for granted sometimes. Something changes for us on birthdays though, for some reason. There's a lot of hugging and "I love you''s all of a sudden whenever its someone's birthday, so I'm looking forward to experiencing that today.
 
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