jokes??
- Thread starter LilMissTragic
- Start date
Funkymunky
Well-known member
8===============D
Guy walks up to the bar to get a drink and another man standing there says "Here mate,wanna see something cool?"
"Aye go for it" replies the guy "if its cool ill buy you a pint".
The man opens his jacket and places a tiny piano onto the bar.
"Whats cool about that?" replies the guy.The man then leans over the bar and & opens his other pocket.A tiny little fella jumps out of his pocket,runs across the bar & starts playing the wee piano.
"Wow,thats amazing...where the hell did u get that wee person from?"
The man explains that theres an old lady sitting on the pavement outside granting wishes,but youll have to speak clearly...shes American and doesnt really understand the Scottish accent.The guy runs outside and finds the old lady.
"Your the old yankie lass grantin wishes aye?,ok then i want a million bucks please".The old lady snaps her finger and says "wish granted,have a nice day".Just then a million ducks fly past and shit all over the guy.Covered in bird poo the guy retreats to the the bar,goes back to man and says "i just asked that old american women for a million bucks and a million ducks flew over and shat on me!!!" to which the man replies "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist!?"
Guy walks up to the bar to get a drink and another man standing there says "Here mate,wanna see something cool?"
"Aye go for it" replies the guy "if its cool ill buy you a pint".
The man opens his jacket and places a tiny piano onto the bar.
"Whats cool about that?" replies the guy.The man then leans over the bar and & opens his other pocket.A tiny little fella jumps out of his pocket,runs across the bar & starts playing the wee piano.
"Wow,thats amazing...where the hell did u get that wee person from?"
The man explains that theres an old lady sitting on the pavement outside granting wishes,but youll have to speak clearly...shes American and doesnt really understand the Scottish accent.The guy runs outside and finds the old lady.
"Your the old yankie lass grantin wishes aye?,ok then i want a million bucks please".The old lady snaps her finger and says "wish granted,have a nice day".Just then a million ducks fly past and shit all over the guy.Covered in bird poo the guy retreats to the the bar,goes back to man and says "i just asked that old american women for a million bucks and a million ducks flew over and shat on me!!!" to which the man replies "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist!?"
lily
Well-known member
This really made me laugh, lol (of course it won't be funny if it was in real life though) It could give you guys a laugh if you don't take it seriously and aren't sensitive. Here it is-
Ways to Turn Down Men
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?
Man: Shall we go see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Ways to Turn Down Men
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?
Man: Shall we go see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
triceratops
Well-known member
was a good thread..keeps us entertained.
Whats the difference between batman and a scouser?
Batman can go out at night without robin!!
hahahahahaha
p.s sorry if your a scouser
Whats the difference between batman and a scouser?
Batman can go out at night without robin!!
hahahahahaha
p.s sorry if your a scouser
Mary
Well-known member
Now: Exercise Tips - Calories burned per hour
Beating around the bush............................................................75 cal.
Jumping to conclusions..............................................................100 cal.
Climbing the walls.....................................................................150cal.
Swallowing ur pride.....................................................................50 cal.
Passing the buck.........................................................................25 cal.
Throwing your wieght around..................................................50-300 cal
(depends on ur current wieght)
Dragging your heels....................................................................100cal.
Pushing your luck.......................................................................250cal.
Making mountains out of molehills...............................................500cal.
Bending over backwards..............................................................75 cal.
Putting your foot in your mouth...................................................300 cal.
Starting the ball rolling.................................................................90 cal.
Let's get out there and burn some calories! :lol: :roll:
Beating around the bush............................................................75 cal.
Jumping to conclusions..............................................................100 cal.
Climbing the walls.....................................................................150cal.
Swallowing ur pride.....................................................................50 cal.
Passing the buck.........................................................................25 cal.
Throwing your wieght around..................................................50-300 cal
(depends on ur current wieght)
Dragging your heels....................................................................100cal.
Pushing your luck.......................................................................250cal.
Making mountains out of molehills...............................................500cal.
Bending over backwards..............................................................75 cal.
Putting your foot in your mouth...................................................300 cal.
Starting the ball rolling.................................................................90 cal.
Let's get out there and burn some calories! :lol: :roll:
Mary
Well-known member
A man and his very nagging wife took a trip to Jerusalem. While there his wife had an accidedent and died.
While making funeral arrangements the undertaker told the man, "You can have her body shipped back to the states for $1,500 and bury her there or you can bury her here for only $150 dollars."
Without any hesitation the man replied, "I will take her back to the states and pay the $1,500."
Puzzled the undertaker asked, "why don't you just pay the $150 and have her buried here?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead."
" I just can't take that chance."
:lol:
While making funeral arrangements the undertaker told the man, "You can have her body shipped back to the states for $1,500 and bury her there or you can bury her here for only $150 dollars."
Without any hesitation the man replied, "I will take her back to the states and pay the $1,500."
Puzzled the undertaker asked, "why don't you just pay the $150 and have her buried here?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead."
" I just can't take that chance."
:lol:
cLavain
Well-known member
A cowboy of smallish stature walks into a bar and shouts:
"Who the hell painted my horse white!"
The bar is completely silent for a long time. Then, a large, though-looking thug slowly rises and says in a menacing voice:
"I did. What of it?"
The cowboy quickly replies in a trembling voice:
"Just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry, sir!"
:roll:
"Who the hell painted my horse white!"
The bar is completely silent for a long time. Then, a large, though-looking thug slowly rises and says in a menacing voice:
"I did. What of it?"
The cowboy quickly replies in a trembling voice:
"Just wanted to let you know the first coat is dry, sir!"
:roll:
LittleMissMuffet
Well-known member
Here's a religious joke...
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims . I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."
Here's a Bush joke...
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!", he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims . I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."
Here's a Bush joke...
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!", he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
An Englishman goes to Australia on holiday. While driving around the outback, his car breaks down, so he walks over to the nearest farm to get help. Once he gets there, he notices a farmer having sex with a sheep in the barn. Wincing, the Englishman creeps up behind him, taps the farmer on the shoulder and says "you know mate, back home, we shear those." The farmer turns around disgustedly and says "I'm not sharing with anyone, find your own bloody sheep."