Jealousy in relationships....How do you cope?

[sullyS25]

I just recently entered into a relationship with a girl I love like no other and am starting to feel an emotion I think is so ugly and I'm trying to find ways to cope with it. I know communication is key and I continue to communicate my feelings without accusing or getting upset. I take full responsibility for the jealousy and place no blame on my girlfriend. She is the most trustworthy person I've met yet that mental chatter in my head is non-stop and I am trying to find ways to deal with it. I'm just so afraid that these feelings will get in between me and her and that is the last thing I want. We love each other and I cannot let my feelings of insecurity get between that.

Any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced serious jealousy and if so what did or what do you do to cope with it?

 

[kilojoule]

. We love each other and I cannot let my feelings of insecurity get between that.

Any suggestions? Has anyone else experienced serious jealousy and if so what did or what do you do to cope with it?

You put your finger on the button with that word. I think that jealousy is just a manifestation of our own insecurity. I think the only solution is for you to solve your self esteem problem.

 

[Aron]

What are you jealous of?

 

[Lamb]

You put your finger on the button with that word. I think that jealousy is just a manifestation of our own insecurity. I think the only solution is for you to solve your self esteem problem.

^ This. Sometimes it helps to sort your thoughts out by writing them down. Depending on what you turn green over, it is sometimes beneficial to speak with your spouse about it.

 

[sullyS25]

I accept that it has to do with my own insecurities but going to a therapist and discussing my distorted thoughts about myself and my self esteem has done nothing but amplify the feelings and thoughts. Writing the thoughts down helps me immensely though because it disconnects that circular stream of bull**** rolling around in my head and stops it in it's tracks.

I aso recognize that what I get jealous over is completely irrational and makes no sense but that doesn't mean it stops torturing me. I can know the ins and outs of how my mind works yet at the end of the day it doesnt fix anything.

I also think since we have to go through a period of doing the long distance thing that my jealousy gets amplified

 

[Lamb]

Sticking to an exercise routine helps. If there was a thought that was really corroding my brain and I could focus on nothing else, I would go for a jog.

Sometimes, getting perspectives from other people (just talking about your concerns) in general helps. Or googling them and reading experiences.

There were certain issues I dealt with (regarding envy) at different points in my life, and still do. Eventually some of the emotions (fear, anger) got to be so overwhelming that I got tired of obsessing over these worries, and the negative self talk which comes along with it receded. Realized it could sabotage current relations, and I wasn't doing myself any favors by being stressed all the time over possible scenarios I had no control over.

And then, there were some things I had to articulate to the other person regardless of the outcome. Whether that meant the possibility of pushing them away or embarrassing myself. Allowed me to feel better at least putting it out there in the open, and I usually received reassurance which helped stop the cycle.

 

[sullyS25]

Ahhh yes, the exercise thing helps immensely! I joined a gym on monday as a way to relieve the unbearable mental chatter and it has helped so much. I'll have to start mentioning it to other people as well because just getting it out there relieves it too.

I also have articulated the feelings I have to her but under the context that I know the jealousy is completely unwarranted but I still feel it regardless and it worked and she told me she would do whatever she could to help me ease my anxiety and loves all of me, even the jealous parts of me. I still think that I need to use other ways to vent it before mentioning that it is bothering me though because sooner or later it will get to be annoying and will come in between us.

My main issue right now is that she just started a new job and apparently the guy sitting next to her talks to her a lot and helps her out and uses his sense of humor to break the ice in an otherwise boring work environment which seems soo innocent and so ridiculous to feel jealousy over but my mind latches on to it. The long distance thing doesnt help. I do think my outlook on that particular situation has improved immensely and it doesnt affect me as much as it was at first though....it takes time I guess

 

[foyle]

I have never felt jealousy. But I do not think I could go out with someone I do not trust.

 

[Remus]

Do you keep your jealousy to yourself, or do you give her a hard time about it?

 

[sullyS25]

Do you keep your jealousy to yourself, or do you give her a hard time about it?

I dont give her a hard time about it at all because I know how irrational and unwarranted it is. So I explain to her that I know it is silly that Im feeling it but I still do regardless and that it makes me feel anxious. I certainly don't accuse her of anything nor do I say she shouldn't have guy friends.

 

[MikeyC]

You put your finger on the button with that word. I think that jealousy is just a manifestation of our own insecurity. I think the only solution is for you to solve your self esteem problem.

This hits the nail on the head.

Sully, I understand the feeling of jealousy and the irrational thoughts it conjures, but you have to trust her that she's not going to run off with the next man that enters her field of vision. That's unlikely to happen.

She might be thinking the same about you: she could be jealous about any females in your life.

The more you two trust each other, the less jealous you'll both feel.

 

[sullyS25]

This hits the nail on the head.

Sully, I understand the feeling of jealousy and the irrational thoughts it conjures, but you have to trust her that she's not going to run off with the next man that enters her field of vision. That's unlikely to happen.

She might be thinking the same about you: she could be jealous about any females in your life.

The more you two trust each other, the less jealous you'll both feel.

Yes I know she won't and I dont act on these feelings and accuse her of anything. I trust her like crazy. Enough to let her in and let her know how vulnerable and anxious I feel in regards to getting so close to someone. I've told her all of my biggest fears as a result of how trustworthy she is.

I guess what was wearing on me, and it seems ridiculous even typing it out, is that currently we are in different countries so I'm far away and at work she's around certain dudes for 40 hours a week so I convince myself she could develop an attraction to someone at work easily because she is around them so much. Which is logically flawed because that much time around someone can also cause you to see everything you DONT like about them as well and it can cause you to get sick of them..

I dont know, I just recognize that when I think these thoughts my stomach gets tight, my heart starts pounding and the physical feelings fuel worse thoughts and it is paralyzing.

 

[MikeyC]

Yes I know she won't and I dont act on these feelings and accuse her of anything. I trust her like crazy. Enough to let her in and let her know how vulnerable and anxious I feel in regards to getting so close to someone. I've told her all of my biggest fears as a result of how trustworthy she is.

I guess what was wearing on me, and it seems ridiculous even typing it out, is that currently we are in different countries so I'm far away and at work she's around certain dudes for 40 hours a week so I convince myself she could develop an attraction to someone at work easily because she is around them so much. Which is logically flawed because that much time around someone can also cause you to see everything you DONT like about them as well and it can cause you to get sick of them..

I dont know, I just recognize that when I think these thoughts my stomach gets tight, my heart starts pounding and the physical feelings fuel worse thoughts and it is paralyzing.

I think it's natural to develop a little bit of jealousy towards your significant other, but too much is detrimental, and thinking that she will just as easily fall into the arms of another man isn't going to help you out any.

At least you recognise that those particular thoughts are not rational. I do hope you're able to overcome it.

 

[sullyS25]

Thank you much Mikey! I think with some hard work and acceptance that I can overcome this one. It's just a difficult one I guess

 

[painfullheart]

well,

Talking to my boyfriend before he goes out to parties helps.
Then trying to keep myself busy. This part is important, i have to get involved in something i really find interesting, that makes me feel whole.
Talking to my boyfriend after the party.