Jealousy and Low Self-Esteem

[anomicdeer]

I know that is something that could REALLY ruin a relationship.
If mine is ruined, it's pretty much because of that.

I haven't been here in a while and since I can't really get my mine off of someone, I thought I could just try making friends again. Of course online. This is the only place I feel okay in ever since I've been here. The only friends I have online are from here.

Well, I found out I have a horrible jealousy problem and I think it comes from mostly low self esteem. I don't think I'm good enough for anything or anyone. Mainly him. I don't know exactly where to start.

Sorry that this will involve something sexual but if you think about it, it's really what I think of myself as whole, and not sexually.

A few weeks ago I was knitting and watching Harry Potter. My boyfriend was going to get something to eat from downstairs. Before he said that, we were smiling at each other talking about something but all I can remember is him saying something like "we haven't had sex in 12 hours" and I said something like "um, no, more like 2 days."*chuckle*.

He went downstairs and I was waiting for him to come back up so I can tell him to get me a drink. Which was gonna be pretty lazy and stupid of me. He takes forever when he goes down there(which is why I hate when he does because I don't know what he could be doing) so I went to go get the drink myself. I caught him jacking off to a porn mag, that wasn't even his.

There he was... looking at those perfectly sexually porn stars, jacking off, while he was suppose to be getting food. After he was smiling in my face and saying we haven't ****ED in 12 hours(which was longer than that actually).

And he wonder why I feel so horrible and think the things I do! I didn't think it would effect me so much to see someone do that when you are in a relationship with them and you didn't turn them down from anything and they haven't even tried to make a move on you.

Now I feel that I'm not good enough. Everytime I see a pretty girl on tv or in person, I always think how he probably rather be with her and she is much prettier and probably have a better personality.

I hate thinking this because it's not like I have something that he needs and he has to date me to get it. He doesn't have to deal with me at all. But he does. That's what bothers me the most.

Not only that, but I feel bad when it come to other people. He talks to them more than he does with me. Sometimes we do talk but we don't have much to talk about (lack of my social skills?). Seriously I talk to him more than anyone and I don't talk too little to him. He rather play games and watch stuff on his computer and if I want to cuddle or something he would get upset sometimes.

Like if I'm sleepy and want him to lay down with me, he doesn't. Then I can't sleep because of the low self esteem thing. And he might leave the room and do something horrible. So now I stay up late and sleep all day because I can't sleep without him literary because of what's going on in my mind and he isn't proving himself for me to trust him..

He wants to be an ******* on purpose. He wants to be a better person. ****ing being patient and thinking it will take time. Yes! But he doesn't even ****ing try enough!

If you want to get better, ****ing try for yourself and not let anyone make you!

He wants me to help him be a better person but when it comes to something important he just gets upset and it pisses me off as if I'm doing something wrong!

This is what I ****ing deal with and I don't want to just let it go for those reasons. Things can get better but he has to let me help! He's suppose to be helping me but I know it won't ****ing work. Only I can help myself so forget the part about him helping me. I can be a bitch and I have to deal with it if it takes making him a better responsible person and someone I can trust.

When we actually interact and aren't mad, it's a great feeling and I love the attention from him. I just feel I don't get enough of it.

So that is why, I want to come back here and try to get my mind off him and give him his space without me feeling horrible. We don't have much to do anyways, so I'll be knitting or online if I'm not interacting with him.

 

[A friend]

I know that is something that could REALLY ruin a relationship.
If mine is ruined, it's pretty much because of that.

I haven't been here in a while and since I can't really get my mine off of someone, I thought I could just try making friends again. Of course online. This is the only place I feel okay in ever since I've been here. The only friends I have online are from here.

The circumstances of where you meet your friends doesn't determine whether you're a good person or not. There are good people here that can help you greatly with your problems, and you probably could have a lot in common with the people on this site.

I don't think you can meet someone who has a lot in common with you just by knocking on your neighbor's doors, or by going to a bar (or places of that social nature).

Well, I found out I have a horrible jealousy problem and I think it comes from mostly low self esteem. I don't think I'm good enough for anything or anyone. Mainly him. I don't know exactly where to start.

I don't think your jealousy problem is voluntary, so there's no reason to feel guilt. Just know this, if you think high of yourself, your relationship might improve.

Sorry that this will involve something sexual but if you think about it, it's really what I think of myself as whole, and not sexually.

A few weeks ago I was knitting and watching Harry Potter. My boyfriend was going to get something to eat from downstairs. Before he said that, we were smiling at each other talking about something but all I can remember is him saying something like "we haven't had sex in 12 hours" and I said something like "um, no, more like 2 days."*chuckle*.

WHAT? I might have been single for most of my life, but a relationship should not be based entirely around sexual intercourse. If somebody wants to have sex that badly, why not go to Las Vegas instead of creating a relationship just to have that sort of experience.

He went downstairs and I was waiting for him to come back up so I can tell him to get me a drink.

We guys aren't meant to be waiters.

Which was gonna be pretty lazy and stupid of me. He takes forever when he goes down there(which is why I hate when he does because I don't know what he could be doing) so I went to go get the drink myself. I caught him jacking off to a porn mag, that wasn't even his.

That's...freaky. If it wasn't his, then who did it belong to?

There he was... looking at those perfectly sexually porn stars, jacking off, while he was suppose to be getting food. After he was smiling in my face and saying we haven't ****ED in 12 hours(which was longer than that actually).

Well...if a man were to truly love his woman, he would think that there is no better girl out there than the one who he is dating (or married to). So...I'm guessing that you probably deserve better than him, if he's acting this unfaithful.

And he wonder why I feel so horrible and think the things I do! I didn't think it would effect me so much to see someone do that when you are in a relationship with them and you didn't turn them down from anything and they haven't even tried to make a move on you.

If I were to have a girlfriend and she performed an act similar to that...then I would probably have the same feeling that you do now. I'm sorry that you
feel that badly.

Now I feel that I'm not good enough.

Just because you feel that way sometimes doesn't mean it's true.

Everytime I see a pretty girl on tv or in person, I always think how he probably rather be with her and she is much prettier and probably have a better personality.

I hate thinking this because it's not like I have something that he needs and he has to date me to get it. He doesn't have to deal with me at all. But he does. That's what bothers me the most.

Um, I'm sorry...But that doesn't make too much sense.

Not only that, but I feel bad when it come to other people. He talks to them more than he does with me.

That's not too good, a good relationship involves the couple talking to each other more than other people, not the other way around.

Sometimes we do talk but we don't have much to talk about (lack of my social skills?).

That's probably why.

Seriously I talk to him more than anyone and I don't talk too little to him. He rather play games and watch stuff on his computer and if I want to cuddle or something he would get upset sometimes.

::

Like if I'm sleepy and want him to lay down with me, he doesn't. Then I can't sleep because of the low self esteem thing. And he might leave the room and do something horrible. So now I stay up late and sleep all day because I can't sleep without him literary because of what's going on in my mind and he isn't proving himself for me to trust him..

I'm not going to quote the rest of your post, but I will say this...

If this continues, then you probably weren't meant to be with each other. But whether you stay together or not, there is something good in life that you will eventually find that can make up for all of these negative experiences.

 

[anomicdeer]

Our relationship isn't all sex. When you think about it... he didn't want ME, he wanted that porn mag instead. I didn't want it to seem like is was a sex problem, but how the situation makes me feel.

We are working on things but I have to be patient. This all is just so ironic because I thought HE would have to be the one patient with me. He probably wouldn't even notice that he talks to others more than me, or if I mention it he would make up lame excuses. We do get along it's just that, when it's bad times, they are really bad because I still feel lonely and when I try to interact it's seems to always be at the wrong time. So if I feel that he might get annoyed with something and I want his attention, I have to be ready for an argument. I know that isn't good but like I said, I'm try to improve "us". I will give it time. I don't think 'd really want to deal with his mess all the time. Like now, I could give him advice about something to do with where we are living but he is watching something and trying to calm down I guess. But I don't want him to get made ad me for giving advice. Plus I don't want to be in a bad mood so I'll just shut up and know inside that, if I was in control I probably would be able to work something out, but he isn't very responsible. I won't bite my tongue all the time though. I just won't now because we are suppose to be moving soon and won't have to worry about it anymore.

Excuse me if something doesn't make sense.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Our relationship isn't all sex. When you think about it... he didn't want ME, he wanted that porn mag instead.

I don't think you understand...
Any guy would say they were using the porn as a tool- that is ALL.
It's not the fact that he would rather have porn than you or you wouldn't be in a relationship to begin with.
There is nothing wrong with looking at porn- granted... it was odd for him to wander off to get food and decide to jerk off instead; but it happens.

I am not blaming you at all - but it's your insecurity and low-self esteem that leads you to think that porn=competition. It's not your competition, I assure you of that.

 

[anomicdeer]

That is when I hate my mind. It's difficult for me to think they really want that as a tool. If they have a girlfriend, why would they be interest in other women. They look at them in sexual ways but they don't look at you the same way. I don't understand it.

They look at the "SEX..Y" girls then keep the image in their head for when they get the "real" thing since they can't have what's behind the camera :/ Well I try not to think that way, it's one of the things that make me feel horrible.
I was never disappointed with my body but I never thought I was pretty enough. I didn't use to be jealous but now I am


By the way... the porn stash that some how he knows about is from other people that is moving out of the house. He went through THEIR stuff. It's funny he knows where the porn is but can't find other stuff.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

You shouldn't hate yourself... I know it's hard when you think you may be getting a distorted view of things but you should always have confidence in yourself when you are in a relationship with someone.
If you don't, I don't know how you expect to be with someone forever- or for months. years, however long; always on edge, thinking that you're not good enough.

I think maybe hearing it from his mouth will make you feel a bit better.
I went through the same thing with my boyfriend when we were in our 3rd year together-- and we were together for 8 years, so his words obviously helped a bit.
You may need a talk with him. A proper one without anyone raising voices or getting upset if that can happen.

You should value yourself highly in any relationship.
You are worth alot and if anyone says otherwise, they are just idiots who don't deserve you.

 

[Mokkat]

See that other thread about "emotional obsession".

Us people with bad social skills only have one or a few people to trust ourselves with - so we easily obsess over keeping them and depress ourselves that way.

Sounds like a pretty normal relationship to me. Every couple have quirks and differences and you can bet that all guys use porn to some extend - its an easy outlet for urges. I guess its simply much easier for "normal" people, when they can hang out with their own friends and vent on the bad days.


perspective: I've run myself down and abandoned friends, because of jealousy and feelings of inferiority all my life. And Ive never been in a relationship - at least you have someone

 

[anomicdeer]

its an easy outlet for urges.

Yeah, they go to that first and don't try to make a move on their gf first.
I think they wanted that first.

What the hell... I'm ****ing done talking about this sex ****. You all think that's what the problem is :/

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I don't think anyone thinks the problem is sex. Basically people are saying you shouldn't be mad at him for looking at porn or I mean you shouldn't let it make you feel bad about yourself. Porn is just porn. Just because he looks at it and doesn't make a move on you, doesn't mean anything. Remind yourself of that when you are feeling insecure. It's not that you aren't good enough, he just... needed some alone time. Also, if you were smiling at him and then he felt the need to go jerk off, maybe that's some kind of compliment regardless of what he was looking at to help him along.

However, I am not so sure if your relationship is a healthy one. You say that you are scared to say something because he might get angry. You feel like you have to work on stuff to make him happy. You aren't happy with the way he is treating you (a lack of attention) and it hurts you when he doesn't give you attention but then seeks sexual relief else where. If he doesn't stop that knowing it hurts you, if you can't talk to him and tell him you want more attention and tell him things that you need, and you can't openly talk about your feelings without him getting angry... then maybe it's time you really think about the situation.

Is this relationship really worth fighting for? I know you have low self esteem and that makes it difficult to see that you deserve better. It also clouds your judgement in making excuses for him/things trying to pretend like they aren't as bad bad they really are. But you deserve someone who gives you all the attention you want/need and doesn't make you feel bad for expressing your opinion about things.

 

[anomicdeer]

I don't think anyone thinks the problem is sex. Basically people are saying you shouldn't be mad at him for looking at porn or I mean you shouldn't let it make you feel bad about yourself. Porn is just porn. Just because he looks at it and doesn't make a move on you, doesn't mean anything. Remind yourself of that when you are feeling insecure. It's not that you aren't good enough, he just... needed some alone time. Also, if you were smiling at him and then he felt the need to go jerk off, maybe that's some kind of compliment regardless of what he was looking at to help him along.

However, I am not so sure if your relationship is a healthy one. You say that you are scared to say something because he might get angry. You feel like you have to work on stuff to make him happy. You aren't happy with the way he is treating you (a lack of attention) and it hurts you when he doesn't give you attention but then seeks sexual relief else where. If he doesn't stop that knowing it hurts you, if you can't talk to him and tell him you want more attention and tell him things that you need, and you can't openly talk about your feelings without him getting angry... then maybe it's time you really think about the situation.

Is this relationship really worth fighting for? I know you have low self esteem and that makes it difficult to see that you deserve better. It also clouds your judgement in making excuses for him/things trying to pretend like they aren't as bad bad they really are. But you deserve someone who gives you all the attention you want/need and doesn't make you feel bad for expressing your opinion about things.

I have told him things that go on in my head. I have to wait a while to see if he will stop being an *******.

I'm going to be patient with him, if things won't get better, then yeah, I will really think if I want to deal with it anymore or not.