Inarticulate Ramblings of Jason

megalon

megalon

Well-known member
I have decided after some deliberation to start a journal on this site, because I have no way to vent my feelings in real life.
First a brief introduction. I'm Jason, I'm 26, I live near Buffalo, and I've suffered from social anxiety for as long as I can remember.

As I'm typing this post, I feel kinda selfish for wasting the time of anyone who might read it.:sad: A feeling like I'm somehow taking up space that could be used for a better thread. Just irrational worries from my lack of self esteem I guess.

This is turning out to be pretty boring thus far. Sorry for that.
 
megalon

megalon

Well-known member
A girl that I work with, who happens to be the closest person I have to a friend, has decided out of the blue that she's going to help me with my love life (or lack thereof). She says I'm "ready to have a girlfriend". That meant a lot to me because it shows how far I've come since a few years back, when girls like her would probably just consider me an unfriendable weirdo. I was assured that It's not as difficult as I think to find a girlfriend. I told her the truth about my prior relationship experience, which is pretty much none, and she didn't seem to think that presented a problem. Her optimism is admirable. She said "I won't allow my friend to be a hermit". She's going to invite me more often when she goes places with her friends or other coworkers. I don't think anything's really going to come of this, but it's nice to have someone show genuine concern about me for once.:)
 
I

ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
megalon said:
A girl that I work with, who happens to be the closest person I have to a friend, has decided out of the blue that she's going to help me with my love life (or lack thereof). She says I'm "ready to have a girlfriend". That meant a lot to me because it shows how far I've come since a few years back, when girls like her would probably just consider me an unfriendable weirdo. I was assured that It's not as difficult as I think to find a girlfriend. I told her the truth about my prior relationship experience, which is pretty much none, and she didn't seem to think that presented a problem. Her optimism is admirable. She said "I won't allow my friend to be a hermit". She's going to invite me more often when she goes places with her friends or other coworkers. I don't think anything's really going to come of this, but it's nice to have someone show genuine concern about me for once.
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That's a good friend! Best way to meet someone is through a friend. Take advantage of any opportunity she provides. There is someone out there for you.
 
Metal_isthe_Answer

Metal_isthe_Answer

Well-known member
megalon said:
A girl that I work with, who happens to be the closest person I have to a friend, has decided out of the blue that she's going to help me with my love life (or lack thereof). She says I'm "ready to have a girlfriend". That meant a lot to me because it shows how far I've come since a few years back, when girls like her would probably just consider me an unfriendable weirdo. I was assured that It's not as difficult as I think to find a girlfriend. I told her the truth about my prior relationship experience, which is pretty much none, and she didn't seem to think that presented a problem. Her optimism is admirable. She said "I won't allow my friend to be a hermit". She's going to invite me more often when she goes places with her friends or other coworkers. I don't think anything's really going to come of this, but it's nice to have someone show genuine concern about me for once.:)
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I could use a friend like that, usually people will tell me theyll find someone for me, I tell them what I want and what I dont, say "good luck", and its never brought up again.
 
L

laure15

Well-known member
Not at all. I think it's good to keep a journal to vent instead of storing all your emotions inside which will become a pressure cooker. I hope you succeed in your relationship endeavor.
 
megalon

megalon

Well-known member
I can't find any motivation to do anything lately. I keep a sort of list of things that I need to do or want to do.
The "need to do" things usually get done (albeit at the last minute).
The things I want to do are tasks that will probably improve my life or my confidence. Things like finishing work on my dad's old motorcycle I'm rebuilding, or getting serious about finding an apartment so I can get out of my parents' house. Motivation for such things seems to arrive in short bursts. I work on something for a week or two, then the procrastination starts. I know what I have to do, and how rewarding the end result could be, but I rationalize why I don't really need it. I end up with lots of half-finished little projects that I'm going to get to "someday". It's going to be tough, but I have to force myself to make that someday into someday soon.
 
megalon

megalon

Well-known member
Winter is really overstaying it's welcome. The first day of spring was like "surprise, here's another six inches of snow!" Mother nature is such a troll.

In other news, I saw a former coworker the other day, one that I used to be somewhat infatuated with, at a fast food place. It's been at least five years since I last saw her. It was her who first made me feel like I was actually worth something, the first one who took a chance to try to get to know me. I've changed a lot since then, and she was the catalyst that started that change. I always told myself I'd sincerely thank her for that if I ever saw her again. What did I do instead? I finished eating, and she was busy looking at the menu, so I just walked out the door.:kickingmyself: I'm not sure she even saw me.

I've been invited to a birthday party at a bar tomorrow. Only problem is I really only know two people who are going, neither of which are the actual birthday person. I don't want to be awkwardly sitting by myself while everyone else quietly whispers "who invited that weirdo?" for a few hours. I'm on the fence, but I'm leaning toward the side of not going. :idontknow:
 
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hthrcm2000

Member
You don't need to just sit by yourself if you know two of them. People have gone to parties before w/o knowing the b-day person, and you were invited, they're not gonna think it's weird. I strongly advise you go.
 
megalon

megalon

Well-known member
*This is going to be a long post, and quite a buzzkill, so I'd advise that no one reads it.*

I was feeling alright so I took a few months hiatus from this site. I've returned because I'm feeling really low as of late. That's how it works with me. I distract myself enough that I can pretend to be contented, and that lasts awhile.
Then little realizations about my life creep in and the facade starts to crumble. The realization that my life hasn't had any significant changes since I was in high school. The realization that, with the exception of my brother, I keep everyone I've ever known at arms length. The realization that I sabotage any chance I get of a friendship or relationship because I feel like I'm not worthy of having anyone who gives a s*** about me.
I feel like a child struggling to make sense of a grown-up world. A 26 yr old child.
Last week, a coworker told that I used to be fun to be around, but I've changed lately and it seems like I'm "receding back into my shell". That's when I realized something had to done.
I'm too serious about everything. I used to be very laid back, devil-may-care type attitude. I spent the rest of the week trying to bring the previous me out of the shell, but it didn't really work. That failure just drove me further into this funk I'm in. Either I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but the anxiety prevented me from saying it, or I wanted to say something, but my mind would just go blank.
I feel like my only option to obtain some normalcy is to distance myself from this way I'm living. I just paid off my car, so now that that I no longer have payments to make, I'm going to get serious about finding a place of my own. The fact that I still live with my parents is probably my greatest source of shame. Hopefully getting out of there will make me feel much more like an adult.
 
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