I know this may sound ridiculous, but I have been having these horrible feelings lately, not so much that something bad is going to happen, but that I especially and no one else is truly safe from this underworld of evil that exists underneath all the fakeness. Like although I may pretend to try and improve myself, I at any moment could fall and there is really no security in the world like we think there is. And that even if I try to improve, some devil-like being is laughing at me and trying to shove these perverted things back in my face like i'm some piece of ****.
I am seriously trying to figure out where I went all wrong, and part of these horrible feelings I think stem from experiences I had when I was 16 years old. Sometimes I lie awake at night, experiencing horrible memories and shame of things that happened to me. When this happens I just want to get up and do something else so i won't think anymore. I know I went through traumatic experiences, and for a while I swept it under the rug and pretended like they never did.
But tonight I went to have a couple beers at this place and started spilling all this stuff to my boyfriend (which always happens if I drink anything, I drink too much so I can feel that great sense of confidence). I don't say much specific, just the general.
I know I need to talk to someone about this. I'm wondering what is wrong with me, but when I get these feelings, essentially of an evil force in the world that attacked me when I was a teenager, I always start remembering things that happened to me.
I don't want to get into everything that happened, but I seriously am wondering what is making me think of these things. I'm 21 now, it's been 5 years. Does anyone else have these feelings of some great evil, or doom? Or lack of security?? I just wish I could be as carefree as any other person, but I have been feeling awful.
I am seriously trying to figure out where I went all wrong, and part of these horrible feelings I think stem from experiences I had when I was 16 years old. Sometimes I lie awake at night, experiencing horrible memories and shame of things that happened to me. When this happens I just want to get up and do something else so i won't think anymore. I know I went through traumatic experiences, and for a while I swept it under the rug and pretended like they never did.
But tonight I went to have a couple beers at this place and started spilling all this stuff to my boyfriend (which always happens if I drink anything, I drink too much so I can feel that great sense of confidence). I don't say much specific, just the general.
I know I need to talk to someone about this. I'm wondering what is wrong with me, but when I get these feelings, essentially of an evil force in the world that attacked me when I was a teenager, I always start remembering things that happened to me.
I don't want to get into everything that happened, but I seriously am wondering what is making me think of these things. I'm 21 now, it's been 5 years. Does anyone else have these feelings of some great evil, or doom? Or lack of security?? I just wish I could be as carefree as any other person, but I have been feeling awful.