Impending feeling of doom/evil spirits

[Etbow23]

I know this may sound ridiculous, but I have been having these horrible feelings lately, not so much that something bad is going to happen, but that I especially and no one else is truly safe from this underworld of evil that exists underneath all the fakeness. Like although I may pretend to try and improve myself, I at any moment could fall and there is really no security in the world like we think there is. And that even if I try to improve, some devil-like being is laughing at me and trying to shove these perverted things back in my face like i'm some piece of ****.

I am seriously trying to figure out where I went all wrong, and part of these horrible feelings I think stem from experiences I had when I was 16 years old. Sometimes I lie awake at night, experiencing horrible memories and shame of things that happened to me. When this happens I just want to get up and do something else so i won't think anymore. I know I went through traumatic experiences, and for a while I swept it under the rug and pretended like they never did.

But tonight I went to have a couple beers at this place and started spilling all this stuff to my boyfriend (which always happens if I drink anything, I drink too much so I can feel that great sense of confidence). I don't say much specific, just the general.

I know I need to talk to someone about this. I'm wondering what is wrong with me, but when I get these feelings, essentially of an evil force in the world that attacked me when I was a teenager, I always start remembering things that happened to me.

I don't want to get into everything that happened, but I seriously am wondering what is making me think of these things. I'm 21 now, it's been 5 years. Does anyone else have these feelings of some great evil, or doom? Or lack of security?? I just wish I could be as carefree as any other person, but I have been feeling awful.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hm, well, I may not be able to exactly pinpoint the reason why you feel this way, but I can say that it most likely has something to do with you and how you "swept those events under the rug". You need to confront those demons and put them to sleep. Acknowledge that they happened, take your blame where you rightfully need to (if there is any), and move forward from it. Learn from your "mistakes" and improve upon yourself.

In the past, there were times when I had dreams where all that happened was people, even people that I knew and "loved me", were yelling at me, pointing out my failures and calling me a failure, trash, etc. Somehow, as I grew up though, they stopped happening. Now, the only time I hear my "demons" talk to me is when I'm depressed and, even then, I try to get them to shut up. It works (sometimes:.

 

[Etbow23]

Hm, well, I may not be able to exactly pinpoint the reason why you feel this way, but I can say that it most likely has something to do with you and how you "swept those events under the rug". You need to confront those demons and put them to sleep. Acknowledge that they happened, take your blame where you rightfully need to (if there is any), and move forward from it. Learn from your "mistakes" and improve upon yourself.

In the past, there were times when I had dreams where all that happened was people, even people that I knew and "loved me", were yelling at me, pointing out my failures and calling me a failure, trash, etc. Somehow, as I grew up though, they stopped happening. Now, the only time I hear my "demons" talk to me is when I'm depressed and, even then, I try to get them to shut up. It works (sometimes:.

You're right that i need to work on the "demons". But I don't know, it's a strange feeling I've been having, and then sometimes I have disturbing nightmares too where I wake up all sweaty. I guess the best thing to do would be to just talk to a counselor but i'm really just wondering what started all these feelings. Do you think it's related to trauma or anxiety?

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I'd probably guess that your feelings have something to do with both the trauma and anxiety. Probably more of the trauma though.

 

[cowboyup]

Have you ever thought about the possibility of having PTSD?

 

[Etbow23]

Have you ever thought about the possibility of having PTSD?

I was diagnosed with it about a year ago, but since my mother is essentially against psychiatry and doesn't really believe in mental illness, I basically told myself to shut up and forget about it. Since then I have had no therapy. Sometimes I get the feeling she wants me to just succeed in life magically without acknowledging that there may be obstacles in the way. :/

But now I'm reconsidering it (going to therapy because there may be a problem here), though i guess i'm afraid if i say anything to her (or anyone) that they'll say i'm exaggerating or i should take fish oil and exercise (that's what she says. lol).

 

[cowboyup]

I was diagnosed with it about a year ago, but since my mother is essentially against psychiatry and doesn't really believe in mental illness, I basically told myself to shut up and forget about it. Since then I have had no therapy. Sometimes I get the feeling she wants me to just succeed in life magically without acknowledging that there may be obstacles in the way. :/

But now I'm reconsidering it (going to therapy because there may be a problem here), though i guess i'm afraid if i say anything to her (or anyone) that they'll say i'm exaggerating or i should take fish oil and exercise (that's what she says. lol).

I don't know how old you are, but if you are able to go without your mom, perhaps that would be best. For what it's worth, my mom was that way with me as well, so I can relate.

You have to take care of YOURSELF and YOU are the only person who knows really how you feel - perhaps your mom is trying to protect you but either you can talk with her about going back to therapy about PTSD and getting back on track, getting help with or without your mom's approval.
--sorry if that sounds harsh

 

[SoScared]

I can relate to this. I frequently had an all-powerful sensation of fear that I first really understood at the age of 7. I had something I call fuh which was a feeling of, well, awfulness and doom around and inside my head. One day, when playing with it I started playing with the word saying it out loud. Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh and finally I arrived at the word fear. Fear, why did I have fear? I don’t really know but for sure my parents where cold people with very poor communication skills and I certainly did not care much for my brother. After this revelation I think that I was able to manage and understand things better. But here I am on this forum all these years later only just starting to deal with things.

Whether you have trauma or anxiety in some ways does not matter right now. I would definitely recommend that you go and see someone because these things can linger. With the aid of some qualified guidance you may well be able to reconcile all this and as they say ‘move on’.

 

[Etbow23]

I don't know how old you are, but if you are able to go without your mom, perhaps that would be best. For what it's worth, my mom was that way with me as well, so I can relate.

You have to take care of YOURSELF and YOU are the only person who knows really how you feel - perhaps your mom is trying to protect you but either you can talk with her about going back to therapy about PTSD and getting back on track, getting help with or without your mom's approval.
--sorry if that sounds harsh

It doesn't sound harsh; I'm 21 now and although I'm getting ready to basically be living alone (though on her property), I am too dependent on her, especially financially. Counting that I'm unemployed right now because I just moved, this doesn't help. I will be starting school in a month, which makes it difficult to find a job that will hire me. I don't think she minds me going to therapy, but she doesn't encourage it. Although she helps me in some ways, in others I feel as if she just brings me down. She is a very pushy, ultra-controlling type of woman. Right now she's calling me lol. Gotta go.

I can relate to this. I frequently had an all-powerful sensation of fear that I first really understood at the age of 7. I had something I call fuh which was a feeling of, well, awfulness and doom around and inside my head. One day, when playing with it I started playing with the word saying it out loud. Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh and finally I arrived at the word fear. Fear, why did I have fear? I don’t really know but for sure my parents where cold people with very poor communication skills and I certainly did not care much for my brother. After this revelation I think that I was able to manage and understand things better. But here I am on this forum all these years later only just starting to deal with things.

Whether you have trauma or anxiety in some ways does not matter right now. I would definitely recommend that you go and see someone because these things can linger. With the aid of some qualified guidance you may well be able to reconcile all this and as they say ‘move on’.

That's interesting that you bring up fear...I never thought that that is also what I may be feeling. I do agree that the right therapist will be able to help me. Currently I'm waiting for my insurance to transfer from one state to the other, which is a real pain in the butt. But once it does, I think I will start with this lady I saw online.