I'm unwanted.

[TheSocialPhobe]

I don't think I'll ever learn to come peace with the fact that I'm a social outcast. I've been this way since teenage hood and still am at 30 years old. People just don't gravitate towards me. I'm just not good looking nor am I intelligent or a social butterfly. I don't have anything to offer besides having a good heart. But having a good heart is not enough. This has been giving me depression since I ever realised I was an outcast, that I am subject to rejection. This is making me cry right now but I remember being as young as 13 years old and knowing this. Just remembering this poor kid, so naive at that age, abandoned and lonely. I spent most of my teenage years alone. I have no social skills. I don't even know how to have a normal conversation with someone. I get jealous when I see people make friends with one another so naturally. I really wish I was never born, what I experienced in life I wish nobody else experiences it. The feeling of abandonment, undesired and unwanted. Nobody finding interest in being with me. I don't know how to accept it. I'm used to it, but I never accepted it.

 

[Hoth]

Even if 99.9% of people don't like you, there's the other 0.1% to work on finding. Being a social outcast won't matter if you can make a couple really good friends, and there's no time limit on finding them.

I've spent almost all of my life alone, but there were those brief moments when I connected with someone (in my 30s) that showed me it's possible and worthwhile, so now I'm just trying to find the next such moment. Might be another 20 years, but so be it.

 

[grapevine]

I think its abandonment that makes you feel like that, but it doesnt mean any of those things are true. I know it feels like it and can really hurt inside, but believing in a narrative of yourself - even being an outcast means you are special in a good way kind of thing. I have these dips how you describe and i indulge in them but then always try to get back up.
Try to lift myself up and not care about needing anyone but about me needing me to look after myself and care about myself, lift myself up, enjoy what i like and try to live for those things. Ive spent a decade alone and lots of times not alone and the difference has always been when ive worked on myself to care for myself - lived with self care- meaning when ive worked on my self-esteem and cared about those things i didn't like about myself- when i was able to face them and work around them and start at some sort of basis with myself for myself, ive found people have gravitated towards me and liked me for me in those times.
Theres a whole psychology around it.

 

[TheSocialPhobe]

I think its abandonment that makes you feel like that, but it doesnt mean any of those things are true. I know it feels like it and can really hurt inside, but believing in a narrative of yourself - even being an outcast means you are special in a good way kind of thing. I have these dips how you describe and i indulge in them but then always try to get back up.
Try to lift myself up and not care about needing anyone but about me needing me to look after myself and care about myself, lift myself up, enjoy what i like and try to live for those things. Ive spent a decade alone and lots of times not alone and the difference has always been when ive worked on myself to care for myself - lived with self care- meaning when ive worked on my self-esteem and cared about those things i didn't like about myself- when i was able to face them and work around them and start at some sort of basis with myself for myself, ive found people have gravitated towards me and liked me for me in those times.
Theres a whole psychology around it.

A bit late of me, but thank you for this response. A year has past and I've done so much work on myself. I can safely say I'm happier than I was. I'm working on self love and self respect that I feel emotionally stronger in terms of rejection. I'm not 100%, not yet at least, but so much better that's for sure.

 

[Sammie_Kay]

I don't think I'll ever learn to come peace with the fact that I'm a social outcast. I've been this way since teenage hood and still am at 30 years old. People just don't gravitate towards me. I'm just not good looking nor am I intelligent or a social butterfly. I don't have anything to offer besides having a good heart. But having a good heart is not enough. This has been giving me depression since I ever realised I was an outcast, that I am subject to rejection. This is making me cry right now but I remember being as young as 13 years old and knowing this. Just remembering this poor kid, so naive at that age, abandoned and lonely. I spent most of my teenage years alone. I have no social skills. I don't even know how to have a normal conversation with someone. I get jealous when I see people make friends with one another so naturally. I really wish I was never born, what I experienced in life I wish nobody else experiences it. The feeling of abandonment, undesired and unwanted. Nobody finding interest in being with me. I don't know how to accept it. I'm used to it, but I never accepted it.

You are not alone! I can relate to you so much. I was never good at socializing and making/keeping friends. I normally okay with my life of solitude but sometimes i get real depressed and sad. I feel like the older I get the harder it is to try to get friends. I feel like I had no social skills but I try a little bit to get better. I am not the best at it. I think by writing this you are trying to get better. I dont think you are unwanted. We are all here together!

 

[Sammie_Kay]

A bit late of me, but thank you for this response. A year has past and I've done so much work on myself. I can safely say I'm happier than I was. I'm working on self love and self respect that I feel emotionally stronger in terms of rejection. I'm not 100%, not yet at least, but so much better that's for sure.

Looks like I was late to this too. I am glad you are working on your self. Hope you are still going strong!