I wouldn't mind a relationship but...

[Anti Matter]

The title is kind of self explanatory, I don't usually like discussing this with most people but I kind of need help.

You see the problem is, I have only ever had one relationship my whole life and after that ended, trying to think in a positive outlook has been murder to do. Basically my previous relationship lasted about 2 months and I got the blame of the break up thanks to my SA (boring bastard apparently). After that I have had a massive constant thought of being a lesser person than others. I have tried to build self respect and courage as a person but I can't. I almost feel like I would bore the person I would go out with because I know instantly I am a boring person.

Maybe this is because of my previous relationship not being the most stable, she wasn't sane to say the least. I mean who would be sane enough to go out with a person that is obsessed with a non existent universe and has nothing else to talk about besides video games and films.

This is also another reason why I obsess over video games, books and films too much, escaping reality just for a little while helps me escape the person I am. Sometimes I think "Maybe I should change" but then, I would end up doing me no favors, changing my personality to fit someone else's is insane and ridiculous.

So you see, I am stuck in a loop, I don't know where to go or what to do to help my self confidence or well being.

 

[kihira]

It looks as though you have had the thought implanted in your mind that you are boring. It takes two to tango, so its not fair to be given the blame for a breakup.

It is most likely that you are not boring, and if you are then it is fixable. So start to break the loop you feel stuck in by doing the '70 facts' thread

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/70-facts-about-you-16343/

I think you're funny btw - I'm still laughing over exploding things


...and goats (weirdly, I patted a goat today)

 

[EscapeArtist]

I shouldn't be one to give advice, I think I am very boring because like you, my SA.

Boring...to whom? Certainly when somebody relates to you, you are not boring. ALL adjectives are a means of comparing yourself to others. This is an illusion. You don't need to be funny, or dynamic to be exciting, you just have to find somebody who has similar values as you. Somebody who is looking for happiness in a similar fashion as you. For her to call you boring, means that she is "boring" enough that she needs external stimulation to excite her. She is too boring to entertain herself. She is projecting that hatred of her own dislikes about herself, onto you, and thus is not able to accept you because she is so blinded by this hatred of her own trait. (She probably does not seem boring, because she tries so hard to be her own very opposite). This is not your flaw, but in fact hers.

If you find yourself boring, that is mistaken. One cannot be boring to themself. "Boring" might actually mean that you are unhappy with your life. You are unenthusiastic about life. Maybe try to take life less seroiusly, if this is the case? "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration"(-Kurt Vonnegut). Maybe try taking that approach to frustration instead, realize that life is only hard if you make it so. Life is for experimentation and there are no "shoulds" but only "wants". You have to go out and find what makes you happy... happy WITH yourself,... so that you can be happy and enthusiastic about the things around you. I think this does not include videogames and movies, but chasing things you are afraid of chasing but still feel the yearning to obtain. FEELING unhappiness is what motivates you to change, unfortunately escapes like videogames take away that necessary feeling of unhappiness, like a drug.

I think escapism... is an addiction. All addictions overall give you a "Mehh," life, eternally until you break them. A neutral life. Without the extreme of unhappiness that you block out with games/movies, you will never feel happiness. This is how the world is balanced. I escape through dreaming about nature and travel, dreaming too largely. Escape is the only good in my life, and it doesn't even let me acknowledge that I am unhappy in my life. I let myself see that just enough to know it, but I don't let myself hit rock bottom because I have my illusion of happiness in escape every now and then. Unfortunately, rock-bottom-acknowledging a problem is the first step to getting out of a problem, it is the wind you need to go out and find these things.

 

[Anti Matter]

It looks as though you have had the thought implanted in your mind that you are boring. It takes two to tango, so its not fair to be given the blame for a breakup.

It is most likely that you are not boring, and if you are then it is fixable. So start to break the loop you feel stuck in by doing the '70 facts' thread

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/70-facts-about-you-16343/

I think you're funny btw - I'm still laughing over exploding things


...and goats (weirdly, I patted a goat today)

Haha thank you, yeah I know both parties in a relationship count, I just thought after about 2 years with no change that boredom is heavily related to my personality. I suppose it's just a complex I have that I can't shake at the moment. I suppose I know I'm not that boring with other people, but scared to "keep up" a relationship.

 

[Anti Matter]

I shouldn't be one to give advice, I think I am very boring because like you, my SA.

Boring...to whom? Certainly when somebody relates to you, you are not boring. ALL adjectives are a means of comparing yourself to others. This is an illusion. You don't need to be funny, or dynamic to be exciting, you just have to find somebody who has similar values as you. Somebody who is looking for happiness in a similar fashion as you. For her to call you boring, means that she is "boring" enough that she needs external stimulation to excite her. She is too boring to entertain herself. She is projecting that hatred of her own dislikes about herself, onto you, and thus is not able to accept you because she is so blinded by this hatred of her own trait. (She probably does not seem boring, because she tries so hard to be her own very opposite). This is not your flaw, but in fact hers.

If you find yourself boring, that is mistaken. One cannot be boring to themself. "Boring" might actually mean that you are unhappy with your life. You are unenthusiastic about life. Maybe try to take life less seroiusly, if this is the case? "Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration"(-Kurt Vonnegut). Maybe try taking that approach to frustration instead, realize that life is only hard if you make it so. Life is for experimentation and there are no "shoulds" but only "wants". You have to go out and find what makes you happy... happy WITH yourself,... so that you can be happy and enthusiastic about the things around you. I think this does not include videogames and movies, but chasing things you are afraid of chasing but still feel the yearning to obtain. FEELING unhappiness is what motivates you to change, unfortunately escapes like videogames take away that necessary feeling of unhappiness, like a drug.

I think escapism... is an addiction. All addictions overall give you a "Mehh," life, eternally until you break them. A neutral life. Without the extreme of unhappiness that you block out with games/movies, you will never feel happiness. This is how the world is balanced. I escape through dreaming about nature and travel, dreaming too largely. Escape is the only good in my life, and it doesn't even let me acknowledge that I am unhappy in my life. I let myself see that just enough to know it, but I don't let myself hit rock bottom because I have my illusion of happiness in escape every now and then. Unfortunately, rock-bottom-acknowledging a problem is the first step to getting out of a problem, it is the wind you need to go out and find these things.

Well, where to start. I only have 10 minutes before I leave for work, but I can see what you are saying, I think it was the wrong person for the situation I was in and she was unstable, I do realize that it was a mistake but I still can't really shake the thought of someone else coming along and being more entertaining or less boring. I do have a complex I think for my own personality, a sense of guilt on my part, so I torment myself in everyday life. Escapism is great at times but like you said it cannot help me in the long run, I just need to find something that completes me as a human, purpose as you will. I will find it, I just need time and fresh air heha.

 

[Kinetik]

Well, I think you need to be a little more forgiving with yourself. Having a relationship is not about being perfect - it's okay to mess up, that's how we learn about life and ourselves. Just don't go thinking you're damaged goods or not worth someone's time. Nobody is complete or totally put together when they meet someone else - it just comes down to compatibility and some effort on both sides. I know it's tempting to want to work on yourself or get your ducks in a row before taking the chance again, but if you're too hung up on that, life will pass you by before you know it.

At the same time, this relationship of yours was not a mistake. If it taught you a few things, great, it served its purpose. Over time, you'll develop a sense of what you need to do in a relationship in order to keep things ticking over with your woman - you'll have a much better idea of compromise and of meeting your partner halfway in things. It's all about keeping your own interests and personality while giving her enough of what she needs to feel fulfilled. Once you get that balance right, you're golden, and you really will get there. Just keep on trying - that's the only way.